Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
at this lil' chapel on the prairie
to lasso together this cowpoke, Christopher Thomas,
and his little filly, Reagan Marie...
That's me! Pew! Pew! Pew pew!
Can't believe we're doing this, pew, pew, pew, pew.
In holy matrimony.
So as we stand here together at this hitching post...
Are you sure that we wanna do this in front of a...
Cactus wearing a poncho?
That's our witness.
I know, but seriously, babe, are we...
Big weddings suck, all right?
Every one I've been to, the bride and the groom
are always so caught up in so much drama and everything.
It's all about everybody else, and, you know what,
I'm just more of, like,
a "me and my cowpoke" kind of filly.
Yeah, I reckon you're right, pardner.
- Boy, that's terrible. - It was bad.
All right, it's just us. Just us, let's just...
Let's... Yeah, let's do it.
Much like a cattle drive, marriage is something...
Wait, I'm sorry, padre, just hold on one second.
You sure you don't want to do a proper wedding?
Just to have this moment
in front of the people who love us
instead of just, I don't know, that guy, who...
Sir, are you bleeding?
Yes, so hurry it up.
Oh, my God, I thought that was cocktail sauce.
You know what, baby,
just close your eyes for one sec.
Okay.
Picture us in a romantic place.
All eyes are on you as you float down the aisle
in a flowing white gown.
All our friends and family are whispering to each other
that this is the most beautiful you've ever looked.
I look like James Bond in a really sharp suit,
and people are also making comments about me.
We exchange vows,
then we head off to our reception.
And then we just dance the night away,
listening to our favorite songs,
surrounded by the people we love
and who love us.
Now open your eyes.
No, no, we have to get out of here. Right?
No, I want a real wedding, honey.
I want a real wedding. Yeah.
There's a deposit on those hats.
We're keeping the hats.
Chris!
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.addic7ed.com/
mom, dad, having a good time?
Your mother and I are just bursting.
Thanks, dad.
Uncle Dennis.
You know what this rehearsal dinner means?
What?
In about 24 hours, your bachelor pad's
gonna be all potpourri and panty hose.
So long, sex palace.
Hey, volume, uncle D. Come on, what are you...
Hey, there she is.
- How 'bout a hug? - Okay.
Come here, let me get in there.
Fourth time's a charm. Okay.
- Oh. - Okay.
Okay, she gets it, man.
Come on, uncle D, you're killing me with the hugs.
- So... - So?
- Pretty sweet, right? - Yeah, no, it's good.
Babe, you just... you did a great job with everything.
Hey, listen, I was just gonna go touch up my makeup,
and I can't find my makeup bag
or, like, any of my bathroom stuff.
Oh, yeah, you know what, I ended up putting it
in the laundry basket in the garage under a sleeping bag.
We oughta go camping again.
Oh, my God, you still haven't told your parents
- that we're living together. - Bah-bah-bah-bah.
Chris! It's...
Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.
Look, I'm sorry,
it's just, you know how crazy traditional they are,
and I just, I don't want my mom to think you're a floozy.
It's a word she uses.
Look, all you gotta do is act like you don't live here.
And, P.S., also all your shoes are in the trunk of my car.
It's just, now I have to lie my entire wedding weekend.
See, it's starting, honey.
It has just become about everybody else.
Look...
Oh, God, I can't wait to get rid of your water bed.
Let's just take a deep breath and remember the plan.
- Okay. - Okay?
- Yeah. - We get married,
go on our amazing honeymoon
that I organized down to the very last detail.
- Yes. - Maui.
A hut that juts out over the water
so the fish can watch us do it.
You're so obsessed with that, aren't you?
And then we come back,
tan, rested, and ready to start the baby making.
Ah, okay.
Mm.
- Oh, you are such a floozy. - Mm-hmm.
No, no, no, I can't, I can't, I can't.
First, I'd like to welcome Reagan's folks,
Dean and Angie.
Angie, if in 20 years,
Reagan looks half as good as you do, I'm gonna...
Stop myself and just... And just say welcome.
Just checking in one more time, hon.
Are you sure you want to marry this guy?
Mom.
I'd also like to welcome
my parents, Gerald and Sarah,
who came this morning from Maryland.
Welcome to our home... My home.
Soon to be our home. Not yet.
We don't live together.
What about that Justin Tardino?
- Mother. - He's so nice.
Also like to welcome Reagan's brother, Scott,
and one of Reagan's bridesmaids, Connie.
- Love you, future bro. - Congrats, you guys.
Don't worry, they didn't just meet tonight.
They've been going strong for close to a month,
so it's still pretty classy.
Most importantly,
my beautiful bride-to-be.
This weekend is all about her.
I'm just her date.
Reagan, I love you.
Okay, I'm gonna be short. Um, I just wanted to...
Ooh, Reagan! Reagan oh, oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
- This is huge news. - We have the most...
I'm dying, I'm freaking out.
- I'm dying. - Nah, I just said it.
Honey, what is it? What...
- Let me tell her then, okay? - Walter.
- What? - No.
- Let me say it.
We talked about this in the car.
We did talk about it in the car.
If it's possible, we could...
I forbid you. I forbid you.
Okay, Ava, just tell me.
Guess who just got offered her own...
Talk show!
Ava got her own talk show.
The Ava Alexander show!
And I'm her musical sidekick. Isn't that great?
Y'all ready for this?
Oh, you got cameras. Hey, what's up?
Thank you all for coming.
I guess... I was just gonna...
Thank you so much.
Thank you. Strong hug.
We're not doing my speech. It's okay.
- I don't like talking. - Okay.
Just...
But it's a Brinkley tradition.
I'm sorry. I'm just... I'm not getting married in the kilt.
Look, if our guests see my well-toned getaway sticks,
they're gonna say, "Reagan who?" It's like...
Chris, this is no time to be Jay leno.
Your father is wearing his kilt
and so is your uncle Dennis.
And he has a horrific eczema problem.
Really, it was written up in a medical journal.
And yet, kilt.
- Yeah. - Kilt.
Honey.
Congratulations on your news. That's awesome.
Oh, thanks.
I'm really trying to soak this moment in.
You know, this is the last time
I'm going to be just medium-famous.
It's all gonna change for us now.
We'll probably both
- need Blackberrys. - Oh, yeah.
So how are you, almost-married-person?
I can't believe tomorrow I'm gonna...
You know what?
It's the studio. I gotta take this.
Oh, okay. Sure.
Tell them to send my agent the paperwork.
And by "agent," I mean me.
And by "paperwork," I'm cool with a verbal agreement!
Ava!
Oh, congratulations, cuties.
Are you guys having fun?
- I'm having fun. - Eww. Perv.
- Oh, my gosh, get a room. - I know.
I already kicked them out of our room.
My... my room.
My brother, he always hits it
- and quits it with my friends. - Hmm.
He kisses it and disses it. He plows it and ciaos it.
Oh, my God.
He's probably gonna break up with Connie on my wedding day.
Oh, you mean "ciao" like good-bye in Italian.
Yeah, that's...
Listen, babe. Everything's gonna be fine.
By this time tomorrow, we're gonna be married,
- then we'll be in Hawaii... - Oh.
Touching those sea turtles the resort told us not to.
- I want to touch them so bad. - Yeah.
- You got any gatorade? - Oh, God, make it stop.
So, uh, Scotty, things with you and Connie
seem to be going pretty well, huh?
I wanted to talk to you about that.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no.
This is Reagan's day. Do not break up with her.
Plow it all you want, but please,
wait till monday to ciao it.
Italian for good-bye.
- I know. - Oh, you did?
I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't know...
I'm not breaking up with her.
- Oh, good. - She's pregnant.
- Oh, God. - No. We're psyched.
We're trying to decide when to tell people.
And we thought since everybody's here...
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Definitely wait until after the wedding.
- No, no, no. - Hey, Mr. bear.
You get that gatorade?
You know why I call him Mr. bear?
- I don't. - Tell him.
Thanks.
Here she comes. My future mother-in-law.
Not yet.
- Oh, look out. - Mother.
I gotta be honest with you, babe,
I've never felt so connected with someone.
Wait, you really thought... That's good.
So, I just got some exciting news.
Listen, sweetie, it's kind of my wedding,
and you're my maid of honor,
so maybe we can just put that show...
- Reagan mahalia Chafin. - That's not my middle name.
Would you make me the happiest talk show host
on the planet by becoming my executive producer?
Y'all ready for this?
Walter.
- Oh, my God! - Right?
Congratulations.
- Oh, yeah, thank you. - Thank you.
- Congratulations, babe. - Oh, my God.
See? This friends and family wedding is awesome.
- It's great news. - No, I know.
I don't mind getting that news on my almost-wedding day.
- Oh, my... - Wow, you told them.
Yep, I'm pregnant!
Are you serious? Oh, my God.
I'm gonna be a grandmother.
Oh, this is the happiest day of my life.
She's happy for Connie,
who's known my brother for five minutes
and, you, she rolls her eyes at.
She rolls her eyes at me?
Do I hear a second set of wedding bells?
No, we're just gonna shack up for a while
- like Reagan and Chris. - Mm-hmm.
"Shack up"?
- You floozy. - Ah, there it is.
You know who didn't call me a floozy?
That cactus with the poncho on it.
- Didn't call me... - Babe, remember,
monday, we're gonna have toes in the sand,
with the hut over the thing,
and the fish are gonna be, like, "uh-oh, not them again. Ugh."
Oh, no. Reagan... We start work monday.
- This monday? - Honeymoon monday?
Congratulations, Reagan. Huh? New job.
Oh! Oh!
You weren't ready for that.
Lots of people live together.
Lots of people murder people.
Well, our family tradition had a good, long run.
Bye, tradition.
I'm just, uh, zipping you up in the old body bag.
'Cause you're dead.
Look, dad.
You and uncle Dennis are welcome to wear the kilts.
It's just that Reagan and I agreed
that she should be the only one wearing a dress.
I bet her name's on the electric bill.
Okay, Mr. California,
why don't you just put on your flared, blue Jean pants
and smoke a couple hundred doobies?
God.
Fine, I'll wear the kilt.
Oh, happy day.
Hoot mon.
Oh, my God.
Am I showing?
'Cause I feel like I'm showing.
- Am I showing? - Cleavage, yes. Baby no.
Oh, I got that, ray.
This is your special day. I'm gonna handle everything.
Okay, great. Thank you so much.
Hey, you know what, Chezeray,
I think this is starting to get, like, a little big.
So I was just thinking maybe a little bit more simple
and tasteful and elegant, you know?
My middle name is "simple, tasteful, and elegant."
- Oh, great. - Reagan, real quick.
Your aunt Barb's in the Arby's parking lot,
and she wants to know if it's cool if she parks there.
I don't know anything about that Arby's
or any other Arby's.
Reagan, is this hat too much?
That's a hat?
I thought it was an umbrella for a hot dog stand.
Chezeray, watch out.
- The bride's got claws. - Meow.
I'm gonna make us some calming mimosas.
Oh, that sounds great. Thank you.
Update.
There is a sign, but it says
"parking for Arby's customers only"
so do you think she should buy something?
- I don't know. - No, you know what?
- I'm all over it, hon. - You're kind of not.
So is Chris still upset that your best friend/new boss
is postponing your honeymoon?
No, I think it's okay. I think he just...
Great news.
Arby's takes credit cards.
Aunt Barb's gonna park there,
but she wants to know does anybody want anything?
Yeah, I don't think anybody wants any fast food.
Big beef'n cheddar, side of curly fries,
and extra horsey sauce.
Ooh, can I have a side of roast beef in an itty-bitty cup?
Oh, God. What is in this mimosa?
- Mimostly Tequila. - Mm-kay.
I'm having a baby with Connie,
which might be short for constance
or Conrad or consuela.
I'm pretty sure it's constance.
I don't know anything about her.
- Like her name? - Her favorite food?
I don't know, I mean, I'm assuming she's a human being,
so it's pizza, but I mean,
maybe it's hot dogs or raviolis or...
Look, life doesn't always go the way you want it to.
But it doesn't mean that things aren't gonna work out.
Apparently, I'm gonna be honeymooning
after we have our first baby.
But you roll with it.
Kind of like the Steve Winwood song.
- Higher love? - No, roll with it.
Literally, the words I just said.
- Oh, my God. - Mmm.
This is so...
Have you been to the arby's drive-through
in San Luis Obispo?
- Best one I've ever had. - Really?
Oh, honey, I am so sorry I'm late.
I've been brainstorming baby names.
- And what's your name, sir? - Chezeray.
And the search continues.
Hey, mom, why don't we spend the whole rest of the day
planning Connie's baby shower?
Yay! Reagan, so much fun.
Oh, my God. Who should we invite?
Oh, you're being sarcastic.
Everybody decent?
Ava, I've been looking for you. Love the hat.
- Thank you. - Walter.
Hey, uh, listen, I've been thinking about some ideas
- for the Ava show theme song. - Mm! Perfect!
Hey, guys, you know what? This is kind of a bad time...
- Let's hear it. - ♪ It's the Ava show
♪ she's gonna make you laugh and think and learn ♪
♪ And cry in equal terms and hey ♪
♪ Who's that behind the keys? It's Walter ♪
♪ McGurkey
the third.
Maybe just... just a few too many words.
Actually thinking of something more rhythmic.
Something along the lines of...
Ava...
Alexander show.
Are those curly fries? I'm gonna...
Connie? Connie?
Dude, shush.
What?
Connie, I'm just rolling with it here,
but will you marry me?
Scott, what are you... Dude, do not do this.
What are you saying?
Will you marry me?
Scott, I'm begging you...
What are they talking about?
Scott just asked Connie to marry him.
Get out.
- Will you marry me? - Shut up, Scott.
- I swear to God, don't you... - Yes! Honey, yes!
- You gotta say yes. - You need to say yes, dummy.
- Yes. - Yes!
Yes, I'll marry you!
- Yeah! - Oh, my God, baby!
- No, no... oh, no. - Oh, I love weddings.
Wow.
Oh, That.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Reagan, wait.
- Reagan, Reagan. - How about a hug, huh?
- Come here. - Oh, okay.
- Thanks, uncle Dennis. - All right.
♪
I will not be lost today, okay? I never thought I'd be
one of those girls who say, "it's my day,"
but you know what, it's my day, it's my day!
- It's your day. - Make it as high as you can.
Chezeray, can you stop for a second?
Good. Oh, wow.
Okay. What?
Look, Reagan, I know that we got off
to a rough start here today.
I'll have the valet bring the car around.
Mom, seriously?
Go away. See, this is what...
Now we are just lost in all this craziness.
You know, this is why I didn't want to do it this way, honey.
Okay, from now on, it's all about us.
We're getting married, and you're gonna start your new job,
and we will maui it up at a date to be determined.
And then we start our family.
You know, I wanted to talk to you about that.
I think that we might want to hold off
- on the baby making. - Hold off on the baby making?
Yeah, you know, 'cause now I have this new job.
I just think that maybe we should just see how that goes.
"See how it goes"?
Stop repeating everything that I'm saying!
Then stop saying such crazy stuff.
I'm not saying crazy stuff, honey!
Look, I'm about to start a job.
Do you think that I want to,
like, be bogged down with a baby...
Walter, we need to give them some privacy.
Jump on that harp.
Preacher man.
Hand me that good book, will you?
"Ezekiel 23:19.
"And she lusted after their genitals,
"as large as those of donkeys.
"And their seminal emissions were as strong
as those of stallions."
I'm sorry, gang.
I knew that was gonna be weird two words in,
but I had to finish it.
I mean, look.
The honeymoon was one thing, but postponing kids?
I mean, what are we getting into here?
What are we... What are we getting into here?
You're asking that question now?
Well, when else am I gonna ask it?
You just sprung it on me.
Well, what are we doing here? Are we gonna do this?
Well, we're not gonna not do it.
The couple have composed their own vows,
which they would now like to share.
Reagan, every time, um, I see your beautiful face,
I can see my whole life laid out before me,
and I Ju... I-I'm sorry.
Father, if I could just talk to her for a second
- before we say our vows. - You really want to do this now
in front of all of our family and friends?
Well, we might as well.
I mean, everything's kind of up in the air right now...
Jobs and... and babies.
Perhaps you two should take a moment to...
Okay, no, no. Hold on.
Look, things change.
What am I supposed to do?
Got it.
- Eww! - Oh.
Oh, wow.
I'd like to vow to never see that again.
Maybe this guy could give last rites to my eyeballs.
Sorry.
Look, I know that these changes are scary,
but we're gonna go through them together, honey.
Now it kind of makes it like a good scary.
Kind of like the concave walls
in that haunted house we went to downtown.
Oh, my God, coming in on me, I swear.
I would not have been able to make it through that
if you weren't on the other end saying, "keep on going."
Let's keep on going.
- I love you. - I love you too.
So, if you'd like to share your vows now.
I think we kind of just did.
A toast.
When Reagan first met Christopher,
I knew he was the one.
He was warm, maybe a little bit cheesy.
But with a surprising amount of spice.
It's like she married a pepperoni pizza hot pocket.
What are you doing? It took me three hours
to come up with that line.
Classic host/sidekick patter.
Watch this.
♪ Ava and Walter, Ava and Walter ♪
♪ Ava and Walter
♪ watch our show, yes ♪
♪ A-va and Walter, a-va and Walter ♪
♪ A-va and Walter
your first task as executive producer...
- Uh-huh. - Make Walter disappear.
♪ Ava and Walter, watch our show ♪
Yes!
- Where are we going, honey? - Reagan, okay...
What is this, honey?
It's what you always wanted.
Aww.
Just you, me...
♪ I am an old woman
- and several dozen coats. - ♪ Named after my mother
- thank you. - Oh.
- Thank you, um...
- Amy. - Thanks, Amy.
I always really loved that name.
Me too.
♪ That flies from Montgomery
♪ make me a poster of an old rodeo ♪
Welcome to our home, Mrs. Brinkley.
Now I can answer the phone without feeling like a slut.
- Yay. - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh.
- Mwah. - Hmm.
Hello, brinkleys. I'm waiting.
It's my turn.
- We gotta do this really. - You mean me?
- Yeah. - Yeah? Okay.
♪
- one, two, three. - Oh!
♪
sync & corrections by Rafael UPD www.Addic7ed.Com/