Honey, why can't we just take the picture at home? Seriously?
Because every pic we have of the three of us
is with me holding my hand out like this
and my head looks huge because I'm closest to the lens.
Yeah, 'cause your head is huge.
It's called forced perspective.
I don't have time to teach you about photography.
Let's just get a real photo done
and you can see how normal my head is.
How's that neck hole treating you, honey?
It's called a tight crew.
Hi there.
- Hi. We're the Brinkleys. - Hi.
Uh, we have an appointment
to take our holiday photo at 3:30.
And yes, we do realize that it is...
- 5:52. - It's 5:52.
See this little angel right here?
She likes to hide car keys.
This time in the Zip-loc drawer.
It's just life, you know, getting in the way.
Yeah... We close at 6:00.
Great. Eight minutes.
I mean, we're--look at us.
Practically shoots itself.
I'm not trying to take your job away.
No. I wish you would though.
It sucks.
I feel like I'm blinking a lot.
I've forgotten how to smile.
- Does my smile look creepy? - A little bit.
Happy. Smile happy this time.
Completely forgot how to smile.
I'm really pitting out right now, babe.
- Okay, babe-- - Big smile, guys.
- Oh, oh. - Look at the slacker Jesus.
Look at the slacker Jesus.
Look at the funny man, look at the funny man!
Yeah, so we're, like, officially closed now.
This is it, guys. This is our money shot right here.
Money shot? Really? Why is--like, honestly.
Here we go.
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
Regan's right. That's a big head.
I look like a Pez dispenser.
I mean, a handsome Pez dispenser.
Look at me, it's like "Merry Christmas, I'm burping."
Wow, Scott, you're fixated on my head aren't you?
- Well, now it's all I can see. - It's hard not to.
Come on.
Oh, God, Gene and Terry.
Head down! Head down! Turn on the sprinklers.
- ♪ Don we now my gay apparel - Scott--wow.
♪ fa la la fa la la la la la ♪
Merry Christmas from your neighhh-bors.
We present to you the Marden Holiday Newsletter.
As you know, stamp prices have been skyrocketing.
We're saving some dinero by delivering pony express.
This one slows down she gets the old crop.
Don't worry, they're just little fanny taps.
- Okay, then. - Merry Christmas, you guys.
Oh... Keep riding.
Hey, Scott, you don't have door privileges, man.
Before we go over my financials,
Marla, can I get you a drink?
I'd love a glass of water
to throw in your face.
Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.
You can't talk to me that way!
Or can you?
I've never understood our relationship.
Ava, you're in complete denial.
Ever since they canceled The Ava Show
you have no money coming in
and the same amount of money going out.
Money coming in. Got it.
No, you have no money coming in.
I thought you said I have money coming in.
I did say you had money coming in,
but with a "no" in front of it.
Continue.
Ava, you're gonna have to put yourself on a budget.
- What? - The first order of business
is no more extravagant Christmas presents.
But if I cheap out on my Christmas gifts
then people can't price check how much I love them.
You bought your friend a jet ski.
If anyone deserves a recreational water craft,
it is Regan Brinkley.
If you continue to buy jet skis,
you're gonna end up on a cot
in a church basement
next to a Fanta machine
using a styrofoam plate to swat the mice away.
Wow.
The specificity of that was terrifying.
What if I just keep the jet ski I bought for myself?
Are you mad?
Does that face mean you're mad?
All right, let's see what these nerd balls
have been up to, huh?
I'm just furious already.
This year, Ter-Bear got
her black belt in jeet kune do--what?
- What? - How?
Wait, Gene and Terry were on the kiss cam
at the U.S. open? When did that happen?
Gene's podcast has over 10,000 downloads?
Gene has a podcast? I've always wanted to do a pod--
How do they have the time for this?
- Who has time for this? - You know what?
Don't let them get into your head.
Babe, you always rock out our Christmas newsletter.
- How's it going this year? - It's great.
- Yeah? - It's gonna--
- it's gonna be great. - Don't say gonna.
Because I haven't started it yet.
- Kinda running out of time. - Okay.
In case you hadn't noticed,
it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.
- Everywhere you go. - I'm on it.
Tonight that newsletter is going down in two hits.
Me hitting the keyboards and me hitting print.
Their son made it to the Vegas round of America's got talent?
- No! That kid has zero talent. - Zero.
Do you have this one in a smaller size.
Like, for a two year old?
You know, a toddler cocktail ring?
- Ava! - Hmm?
Give me your purse.
- What? - Just give me your purse.
Here. You have exactly $25 to spend on the Brinkley gift.
You're gonna have to reach deep in your heart
instead of your purse for the gift.
I'm keeping all your credit cards until after the holidays.
Fine.
Two of those cards are maxed out anyway.
And your bra card.
Uh-huh.
Both cups.
- Jeez. - Jeez.
Thank you.
Sorry, that one's a little sweaty.
- Check it out. - All right.
This year Chris started Brinkley-Chafin Construction
and the company's already on the brink-ley--
cute--of something great.
Yeah, that one was easy.
Great Scott!
These two have been Chris-crossing the city.
Most recently in the Tony Hancock Park area
where they renovated a historical mansion.
Wait, babe,
what we did was renovate the guesthouse kitchenette.
I know, but that just sounds so much better.
Since seeing her first snow up at Big Bear this year,
our little Amy has become a real snow-it-all.
Well, we said we were gonna do it
so, I mean, eventually it's gonna be true, right?
This whole thing is fake.
Kinda like the fake photo
that you made us take, right?
Goes with that. Perfectly.
Yep. You're right.
Fake snow. Fake smiles. Everything's fake.
So let's get going here. Help me with the envelopes.
Babe, no. We have only got two days
until these things have to go out.
So I--I think that we take something
from our fake newsletter and we do it for real.
Okay. Let's see.
Snow.
Yeah.
Let's get up first thing tomorrow morning,
get in the car and take Amy up to Big Bear
to see her first snow for real.
And then we can get this photo for real.
And then you can take another crack
at this newsletter on the way up.
On to the snow.
The snow must go on.
Please no more puns.
Or is it snow more puns--
- It's now more puns. - Okay.
All right.
Amy, honey, just tell me where you put our keys
and then we can go to the snow.
What I'm gonna do, I'm gonna pick her up
and I'm gonna hold her around the room
just like Gene's metal detector
and I'm gonna see if--oh.
Baby slot machine. Now let's go.
Oh, honey, wait, no, no, no.
I gotta pay the credit card bill.
No, no, no, no, do not go online.
- No. Do not go online. - I have to.
No because you're gonna
see an article about a new disease
or Richard Marx or something.
Why? What happened to Richard Marx?
Nothing, we're just not gonna let life get in the way today.
Okay, no, you're right. You're right. You're right.
- Come on, honey, let's just-- - Screw you, credit card.
Hi.
Brinkleys.
If I asked you to strip away
all your material wants and desires
and just boil yourselves down to your essence,
as a family, what would your essence be?
Please do not say jet ski.
Ava, honey, we're trying to get out of the house
- and go up to the snow. - No, no, I know.
And if your essence could just be under $25 that'd be great.
- I've got-- - Okay, here we go.
- Think she's on xanies? - I don't know.
Let's deal with it when we get home.
Snow! Snow! Snow!
Look at *** ***, honey.
A cloud.
You eating Combos or chewing a British driveway?
Fine.
Putting away my joy.
All right, so how's that newsletter coming?
Good. Right now I am working on
the Brinkley-Chafin Construction section.
Well, why don't you just say that I left my job at the firm
to go into business with my brother-in-law?
Like Michael Jordan, Chris walked away
from his thriving legal practice at the top of his game.
Hmm, Jordan, I don't know. Maybe Pippen.
To take the construction world by storm.
Storm.
Look out Donald and Melania Trump.
Babe, we renovated a fondue place.
Just write about something else that's more interesting than--
Okay, something else...
We finally finished The Wire.
- The Wire. - Right?
- Yeah. - That's, like, five seasons.
- That's a major commitment. - It's time, with a child?
We finished The Wire.
All right, that's good for now.
Oh, Scott, I'm so glad you're here.
I cannot wait to show you
my Christmas gift for the Brinkleys.
Oh, the jet ski? They're gonna love that.
No, no, based on information I've gleaned
from knowing the Brinkleys for almost 20 years
and fully on my own without the help of anyone...
Or Marla, I have come up with the most thoughtful gift.
♪ Oh put it in your [Bleep]
♪ Put it in your [Bleep]
It's a mix tape of all my favorite slow jams.
Each one charting a milestone in my sexual odyssey.
Rick James, d'Angelo, the nasty projekt?
Oh, it's okay if you're too moved to speak
due to thoughtfulness.
Or funkfulness.
Oh, babe.
- It's chilly. - Seriously?
Yeah, come on. It's not L.A. anymore.
You know, I hate it when guys pee outside, right?
Hate it or jealous?
Jealous.
Oh, man, now I gotta pee too.
Oh, my God it's cold.
Man, I'm really going.
This is the first moisture this ground has had in forever.
Um, honey, can you please...
You need me to sing a song
to help you get over your acute pee shyness?
Yes, please.
♪ Don't go chasing waterfalls ♪
♪ just stick to the rivers and the lakes--
Okay, we're good.
I always forget that that's the, um--
Shush, shush, you're gonna screw me up.
I'm gonna start. No talking. No talking.
Babe.
I can't stop, sir.
We have to--can you please avert your eyes.
Please avert your eyes 'cause I can't stop.
You're desecrating ancient burial grounds
with your disrespectful waste.
- Look, sir, sir, sir. - We're so sorry.
I didn't wanna fake like we were gonna buy something
just to use the bathroom.
That's a bathroom--that's a moral gray area.
I mean, that's the real crime.
Just kidding.
This is the side of the road.
Nobody's buried here.
Oh, thank God.
Some classic roadside comedy, guy.
But you're still getting a ticket for public urination.
All righty.
Now we got something for the newsletter. Right?
Can't wait to see how you spin this one.
Along with his multi-national construction empire,
Chris was also recognized for his work
irrigating a stretch of California wild lands.
I get it, I'm not doing good enough for you.
- What? - Brinkley-Chafin Construction.
You're so busy trying to make it sound
like I'm doing better than I am.
Why don't you just tell people
that I built 48 strip malls,
and I won The Apprentice,
and drive a stretch Lamborghini Countach?
Okay, you're talking like a crazy person right now.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
What happened? Did, like, a scorpion
swim up your urine stream or something?
- What? - Seriously.
I didn't even wanna write a Christmas newsletter.
All right?
You're the one who kept pushing it.
I would have been happy just going on the Facebook
and typing in "Merry Christmas, suckaz"
with a "z" so that it looks like
I'm lighthearted and fun
and then call it a year.
Folks heading up to see the snow?
- Yes. - Yeah.
No, you're not. Not without snow chains.
Your best bet is the Stop and Shop
about 10 miles back.
And if you buy snow chains
maybe they'll let you pee there.
Thanks for that.
For this and the-- the great joke.
So what did you get 'em?
Eh, nothing special.
Aw, come on. Don't beat yourself up.
Tell me.
What is this? Whoa!
Is that from that party where Regan and Chris first met?
How did you get this?
No big deal.
I just looked through some Facebook photos
of people at that party and spotted Chris and Regs
in the background and had it blown up.
Wow. And the frame?
I may have carved it out of the wood
from that old porch swing where they first kissed.
Oh, my God, Scott.
My mix tape sucks.
And not in the way that R. Kelly describes
on track three... Through nine.
Ava, don't be hard on yourself.
It's just a Christmas gift.
It's not just a gift!
I can't even be on a budget for one day, Scott.
How am I gonna do it for the rest of my life?
And I've got what? A trillion more days to live?
- Ava-- - Ba ba ba!
♪ Stroke stroke stroke stroke stroke it, girl ♪
♪ Put it in your [Bleep]
♪ Put it in you [Bleep]
- Hey there. These. - Hi.
Ooh.
Aren't you the cutest thing.
Oh, wow. Okay.
Lucky-duck.
That's my last set of snow chains.
- Okay... - So what are you?
Six one? Six two?
Six three.
- Uh oh. - Card's declined.
- What? - No.
Oh, my God, I knew I should have paid that bill, honey.
And your rushed me out of the house like that.
Wait, do you take any of these?
I'd take anything from you, sugar.
But my machine won't.
Do you have an ATM?
Pushy little thing isn't she?
ATM's back there in the paw paw patch
next to the jerky barrel.
Cannot believe I did not get the bill paid.
Lady keeps staring at me making me tense up.
Which only makes me appear more ripped.
- It's like this vicious cycle. - Oh, honey.
All right.
And there go our snow chains.
That's perfect.
Just another thing not accomplished.
Didn't take Amy to see her first snow. Check.
This is why I didn't wanna do that stupid newsletter, honey.
Because I didn't do anything worth writing about.
- I'm done. - No, babe-
- No, I'm done. - Ba--
Seems like a handful.
I'd let her go if I were you.
I'm spending all the money I got out of the ATM on these Combos.
Ooh, look at that.
Limited Buffalo Blue Cheese?
Hey!
I got cash, Mee-Maw!
Look, honey, I'm sorry that I blew up at you earlier.
It's just when you embellished all that stuff about my business
it reminded me that it's...
Well, it's not where I want it to be.
Are you kidding me?
I think you're doing great.
The only reason that I embellished your stuff
is because I have nothing to embellish.
What are you talking about, babe?
You're doing a great job taking care of Amy.
And I'm really happy doing that,
but when you look at it on paper
it's like a total snoozefest, you know?
No, our life's not the problem.
The problem is that newsletter.
- Stupid newsletter! - I hate that newsletter.
But I love these Buffalo Blue Cheese Combos.
I'm getting all of 'em for the ride home.
No, 'cause you know what, we're going up that mountain.
And not because of that newsletter, but because of us.
You know what my favorite Combo is?
Toasty Salsa Tortilla.
No.
Us.
Honey.
That is so lame.
Now how are we gonna get up the mountain
if we don't have snow chains?
Hey there, look who's back?
- I knew you would be. - Yeah...
So listen, I was thinking, there's--there's gotta be
an extra set of snow chains around here somewhere, huh?
Maybe hidden behind those crystal... brown... eyes of yours.
I do have a set of extra chains on my truck.
Well, that's what I'm talking about.
- I'll give 'em to ya. - Yeah.
For $75 and a kiss.
And... what?
Are you serious?
Okay. Let's do it.
Let's--let's do it.
Oh, honey.
I ain't your mama.
Honey, I don't know if this is a good time
to bring it up or not, but you just used up
one of your freebies, so...
Snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow,
snow, snow!
I'd love to own a little cabin or something, right?
I know, there's, like, no radar out here so we c--
- What-- - What--what's going on now?
This is silliness.
Hi.
Gonna have to take the detur.
- The what? - Oh, uh, detour.
- I speak "chaw". - Oh.
How fur?
I say about ten, derp fitty odd merles.
Is "derp" a unit of measurement or?
I didn't get that one. I have no idea.
Hey, that's a baby.
Hey, unlock this here back door.
Hey, baby!
I'm gonna get yer nose, baby!
All right, let's take the detour, take the detour!
Let me see that baby's nose!
Hey, come 'ere! Oh, man.
Man, that's a cute baby.
Babe, this map is like an anthology
to every single piece of gum you've ever chewed.
Look at that.
Oh, got a signal.
Okay, I lost my signal.
Okay, where was that? Where was that?
♪ going to the snow, going to the snow ♪
♪ it's gonna be cold, but that is totally cool ♪
♪ 'cause we are the Brinkleys and we really frickin' rule ♪
- Babe, that's really good. - Thanks.
Wait, there's a sign up there.
What does it say?
Welcome to... Palm Desert.
Think I should put the snow chains on, or?
Yes.
Wow.
We are such losers.
Ava, I was gonna give this to you on Christmas,
but I thought maybe you could use it now.
If it isn't a set of hand-carved nesting dolls
that ends in a cyanide tablet then I don't want it.
It's a bunch of stuff about you
that I've saved up over the years.
The ticket stub when I first opened for Keith Sweat.
The first time I was in Stars Are Just Like Us.
I was ripping up a parking ticket.
A review of the very first Ava Show episode.
They said they'd seen far worse.
Thanks, Modesto Bee.
When you and my sister became friends
you were, like, the first famous person I ever met...
Other than the time I said "Hey" to Eddie Rabbit
- at Souplantation. - Hmm.
I guess I've just always been rooting for you.
I still am.
You thoughtful son of a bitch.
Oh.
Hi, Regan. How's my little snow bunny?
Uh, we're on our way home.
Didn't quite make it to the snow.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Sometimes the destination
isn't as important as the drive.
I gotta go. Thoughts.
Thoughtful thoughts coming in. Gotta go.
O... kay.
Definitely xanies.
Yeah.
Welcome home, Brinkleys!
- Ava, what are you doing? - Thank you.
- Please. - What?
Step right this way into your home.
- Honey? - Please, follow me.
Ava, we're really tired.
Your Christmas gift awaits.
I give you snow.
Oh, my gosh. Look at that.
Ava, this is amazing.
Oh, my goodness.
Come here, look at the snow, honey.
How did you...
- Scott. - Wow, honey.
This is so extravagant.
What happened to $25.
Well, Scott reminded me of my successes in the past
so I'm betting the future's gonna be bright.
I haven't had a great year,
but I have a trillion more days ahead of me.
I think they're gonna be good.
They are.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Thank you so much.
What do you think of the snow?
Oh, y--oh, no!
No!
I knew it.
Isn't that cute? Isn't that cute?
Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com
Look at you guys and Amy in the snow.
It'd be perfect for your newsletter.
No! No newsletter this year. No.
- That's really good. - Whoa.
I almost actually majored in photog--
That's great news.
Looks like the cover of an upscale winter catalogue.
I mean, tis the season to be hotties.
Look at my hair; It's, like, perfectly mussed.
It's like I took a romantic snow nap or something.
And my head is the perfect size.
I could be like a head model... they have those?
They're called models?
- People need too see this - I need to see it.
We have to overnight this to our East Coast people.
That would be money well spent.
Agreed.