Oh my God, not contractions!
Contractions!
Should we go to the hospital?!
Contractions at work.
I have to fire two people.
Rose, you gotta watch this.
No no no.
Do not watch this birthing video.
It's like a slasher movie, starring a bald dwarf.
I'm not scared.
It's childbirth.
There's nothing more natural in the world.
Then again, there's nothing more natural than an epidural.
Oh no, I'm not buying into
Western medicine's fear-mongering and painkillers.
I want to feel every moment.
Ouch.
She really felt that moment.
How do they deal with birth pain in eastern medicine?
They have one kid.
Okay Western medicine wins.
I want the drugs.
They're not going to show it.
Don't show it!
Is that the head?
Oh God!
You're going to do this.
I used to give, give, give.
I gave to these two ladies.
That's my boy.
Oh, and I'm also their donor.
That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh.
And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too.
I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad.
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The storage unit is filled with all this old junk of Ana's.
I wish I knew a hobo to come and take it all away.
Ooh, rose!
That could be her baby gift.
Ana's figure skating recital when she was ten!
Oh that's right, you missed it.
Well the seats were awful.
Ana would have needed binoculars to see me.
Typical.
You only support Anastasia when you know she'll notice it.
Our daughter loves me.
Hi dad.
Hi you.
Hey guys.
You look well.
What's this?
- Free stuff? - It's the birthing ledger I made
in preparation for Ana's arrival.
Nutrition tips, contraction charts, test times for our practice runs
to the hospital.
It's because I've always been an involved parent.
But not involved enough to be there for her actual birth.
Oh.
You skipped my birth?
Not skipped!
I fainted at seeing blood.
He had a paper cut.
It was an eleven by fourteen page!
I however, was in labor for fifty six hours.
But you always tell me the story
about how there was no room at the hospital,
and I had to be born in a manger.
You are a terrible liar.
I knew you made that up!
I knew there was no such thing as a manger.
Now your father meant...
You're worse than mom.
At least she's not pretending not to be horrible.
Oh, Anastasia.
A bill from the sperm bank?
It's our annual sperm donor storage fee.
Four hundred dollars to store sperm?
For that money
- we could buy you a pearl necklace. - Look, we've been talking
about this for months.
Years.
It's never a good time to have another baby.
You're right. Hey, let's do this.
Let's have a baby.
Baby?
All of a sudden?
But we've been talking about this since you were four, remember?
You want a baby.
Yeah, I wanted world peace for Christmas when I was four.
But I'm not a dumb kid anymore.
No.
No baby.
Not on my watch, ladies.
Ok, breathe!
Remember to breathe!
I am just so overwhelmed.
We're not ready!
Thank God we're not having this baby right now. We are not prepared.
What are we going to do?
I am.
I stayed up all night baby-proofing my apartment.
Don't worry, I threw away all my forks.
Why would you?- Oh and check this out!
It's a birthing ledger.
I've detailed out everything we need to be ready.
Wow.
You are more prepared than I am.
You did this?
Yeah, took me over two hours.
Alright, let's beat our hospital test time record.
Ooh our record of three hours and eight minutes?
Yeah, we can probably beat that-
I'm still not asking for directions.
Oh no.
Can't find the keys.
Dammit.
Fax doctor the patient forms, put fresh batteries in the pager,
set vcr to record Murphy brown?
What is this?
Okay, I may have
I borrowed that from Jonathan. Pretty responsible of me to steal
his prep book though, right?
Yeah.
It's more than I've done.
Oh no, oh my water broke!
Oh no!
The keys!
Okay, I gotta go get a black-Smith?
Lock-Smith?
Black-Smith?
Don't have a baby until I'm back.
Wait.
No!
My plastic water bottle cracked!
It's not the-
Okay darling, buh-bye.
Just making plans to hang with Ana.
Ha.
And I'm going to hang with the President of the tax association.
In what dream world, Janet?
Ana wants to hang with me.
She said at least she knows that I was there for her birth.
I can't believe you ratted me out to Ana.
You have secrets too. You cut college classes to
stand in line for John tesh tickets.
That is not true!
There was no line.
Anyway, I could tell her that you look up urban slang to seem cool.
You're being cray-cray.
If you'll excuse me, I'm off to have a mani-pedi with Anastasia.
But that's our daughter-daddy thing.
You are not having another baby.
Not on my watch, ladies.
Harry, this is grown up talk.
But our family is just the right size.
I mean when we buy a dozen donuts it works out perfectly.
One for each of us, and the rest for Harry.
I'm not sharing my donut.
Exactly.
Has anyone thought about how their life choices affect me?
What, I'm just a pair of testicles to you guys?
Don't worry cause we're not even using your sperm.
Woah woah woah woah woah.
What are you talking about?
I'm great!
My testicles are awesome!
Wait.
We're not using Harry?
Do you really want to take another chance with him?
We won the lottery with you.
Believe me, you guys, you want my stuff.
You might have a good point.
I make good kids!
He sure does.
- I'm having this baby right now! - What?
I'm having this baby right now!
Thank you so much for this hamburger.
Yum.
Well, it was actually mine, but, that's fine-
you know what? I made you a list of things to do, Mr. prepared.
And a schedule.
Oh there's stuff on both sides.
Sweet.
Great.
And tomorrow I'll need you to pick up the
baby seat and install it in my car.
Um, you know what my friend's actually having a party -
but that's fine, I'll skip it.
Great.
And grab some diapers.
And then give me a call and let me know it's done?
Of, course.
Amazing.
Listen to yourself.
Preparing.
Following lists.
Missing a party.
You two practically finish each other's-
hamburgers?
You're whipped.
That hamburger was yours. You gave away meat.
Meat.
Harry, can you make sure that you-set up the baby monitor at your place?
Consider it done.
I just finished her sentence.
Oh, God.
I've become a whipped boyfriend!
Boyfriends have sex.
Responsibility without sex... Am I her husband?
Worse.
You're a responsible adult.
Oh God.
Nooooo.
Noooooooo.
No.
Who's whipped now?
The pinata, that's who!
Strippers are here!
- Hey! - Yeah! Pregnant stripper.
No no no.
False alarm.
Mingle people, mingle.
Is that woman wearing a bib?
Dirty doula fund.
It's my baby stag. Like a baby shower,
except instead of babies, there's babes, and instead of a shower,
there's - well we may have that too.
Oh, I get it.
Like a last hurrah?
Exactly.
I mean no!
I mean this is a celebration of hurrahs,
and of me not being a guy who's going
to become all mature and responsible.
Yeah!
Oh, um.
We were supposed to have another trial run to the hospital.
Forgot.
What would you have done if I were really in labour?
I'd be there. You just have to call me.
I called.
Eleven times.
- I'm sorry. - Is that my breast pump?
- What kind of birth partner are you? - Well, I'm not going to be
the kind of guy who remembers to record Murphy brown on his vcr
before the birth.
Burn.
Then I'm going to find a birth partner who will.
Not that I want to record Murphy brown,
although I appreciate its witty repartee.
Goodbye, Harry.
Rose come on, hold on.
You're over-reacting.
The strippers are here!
She won't find another birth partner.
You're rose's birth partner?
Yes. Rose asked me, and Janet said that I could.
You're stealing this from me!
You drink my scotch, hang with my daughter,
use my toothbrush, which I've been meaning to-rose is mine.
Harry!
Mom!
How are you two?
Hey pumpkin.
We're great.
Give me back my birth partner!
Oh don't worry, Jonathan'll drop the ball,
just like he did at Ana's birth.
Rose's baby is all I have left, Harry!
I'm going to birth-partner it like it was my own.
But you weren't there for my birth.
No no.
It's okay, don't worry.
Go to your other family.
Other family?
Dad? Dad?
Don't worry, honey.
One parent is still here for you.
The bad one.
Why is everyone trying to replace me?!
I'm better than these sperm donors.
I mean look at this guy.
A new baby from me would at least be cute.
Don't you want your new kid to be like Billy?
We love Billy, it's just genetics aren't important.
So it's settled.
Bjs-2885.
You're really replacing me?
Get in line, buddy.
No, you two aren't being replaced.
We're all going to be there when mommy Michelle experiences
the euphoria of carrying a baby.
- What? - Euphoria, it means thrill or excitement.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're carrying the baby.
- Giving birth is your thing. - That's my thing?
Carrying the baby, morning sickness, gaining thirty pounds?
Thirty pounds, I wish.
No, you've got good genes.
And Billy's awesome.
I mean, don't you want another Billy?
Another Billy?
You said I wasn't being replaced?
You said genetics don't matter.
Okay, we can use Harry's stuff if you carry the kid.
No, I am not going through the hell of pregnancy again.
No.
It was a wonderful experience.
But mommy just wants to be fair.
Well, I'm not carrying the baby.
Yes!
Oh my God.
Rose?
Is it time?
Now?
No, McConaughey was robbed!
How is he not the sexiest man this year?
I know, right?
I'm sorry I let you down.
I just felt like I was becoming a hen-pecked loser.
You were.
I am not a loser.
I tried to make you like me;
A responsible, caring, adult.
That was stupid.
Harry you are so awesome at so many things, like chugging beer and...
You have so many gifts.
But Jonathan is great at the lame stuff I need.
I'm really happy we're sharing our feelings like this.
It's healthy-that is henpecked Harry talking!
Next you'll be pricing out minivans.
Oh, God.
What's happened to me?
I happened to you!
I went to a sperm bank, and suddenly there's an 'us'.
There's no 'us'.
Wait.
You don't want me in the birth room at all?
What did you think I meant by choosing Jonathan as my birth partner?
I just thought Jonathan would be the one filming
your vagi... baby birth area, instead of me.
I should film you.
Jonathan has no sense of composition.
Yeah, it'd be better for me if you weren't in the room.
Well, then I won't be there!
Good, don't be!
Fine, I won't!
Great!
Awesome!
Have a great birth, rose.
I will!
Seriously, I meant that.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Okay, just need my keys.
What a bitch.
I'm off to see rose.
Where's Ana?
Oh she's having a nap.
So you might want to slip out quietly.
Daddy!
I've got a treat for you.
Thanks, but I have to head out for another pregnancy rehearsal-oh!
I can spend some time with you.
Not now, woman.
I made you a chocolate cake I bought.
Thanks, but I have to rearrange rose's hospital bag.
I didn't pack anything casual smart.
Don't leave me for some other family.
I would never leave you.
You're my Ana banana.
Really?
Thanks, dad.
Remember to pay my credit card bill.
Hello.
Jonathan, take your time.
I'm just looking at the baby seats you suggested.
We can rehearse another time.
You need to see me immediately, rose?
You're asking me to abandon my family.
Well okay!
No, I said take your time.
I'm here for you and the baby.
Hey let's meet for vanilla cupcakes.
Yes, I do prefer them to chocolate.
Cake is our thing.
He's trying to manipulate you, sweetheart.
And not very well.
Don't go, daddy!
We can play tax auditors and robbers like when I was a little girl.
Can't meet today.
Maybe ever, rose.
Bye.
Wait, I can be your birth partner.
Ooh. I'd rather have this baby alone in a cave.
I have two degrees, rose!
Two degrees!
Oh, you do want me to be your birth partner?
Well that would just mean less time with Anastasia.
Whatever.
I need Jonathan now!
I'm in labor...
And car parts at the hardware store.
Parts and labor?
Also, I'm having this baby!
- Right now! - Can we get a cleanup in aisle four?
Finally get to use my stopwatch.
Get me an epidural.
I got to call my mom!
No, we're doing this the natural way.
What?
Mom!
I'm pregnant.
Rose!
I gotta call you back.
What are you doing here?
I called him.
Did I miss anything?
She's only been in labour for about twenty seven minutes.
Jonathan made great time getting here.
Just saying.
Also he has his own set of scrubs!
Come on, I want to be here.
Please.
I specifically... ahhh.
Ouch.
Are you okay?
Wow, you really care about rose.
Yes.
No, no, I do not.
We do not like each other like that.
At all.
- Ahhhhh! - I can't take this.
I need oxygen.
That's not oxygen.
That's anaesthesia.
Anesthesia?
That's our daughter's name!
That's laughing gas.
Her name's not "laughing gas".
That's a crazy name!
These contractions seem really close together, Jonathan don't you think
we should call the doctor?
I'm not sure how this thing works.
Why do you like more than Jonathan than me as your birth man?
He's reliable, he's caring, he's responsible.
Also I'm going to be revealing a lot of myself and it helps that
I don't find him attractive at all.
He's not a manly man.
No, it's like having a girlfriend here.
And not a bitchy girlfriend.
Well that's sweet.
So thank you.
I'm scared I'm going to be a bad dad.
I'm scared I'm going to screw this child up.
- What am I doing with my life? - Sometimes I think
racial profiling makes sense.
I enjoy watching figure skating.
Even the men's.
I did not drown that man, but I didn't save him either.
- Hi. - Hi.
Why did you pick Jonathan over me?
Because I don't like Jonathan!
Wow that is cold.
That means you like me?
Owwww!
Paper cut.
Must...
Stay...
Conscious.
Your father is not trying to replace you.
He adores us.
It's a boy!
I did it!
I stayed conscious.
What?
So soon?
I mean rose has barely had time to experience
the excruciating pain of child birth.
Which I completely loved.
It was so quick and easy.
It was amazing!
This is the happiest day of my life!
The happiest?
Burn.
Why are you here?
Harry's my friend.
And he gave me fifty bucks to drive him here.
Rose had the baby.
Forty eight minutes of labour.
And absolutely no pain.
That little- that is so unfair!
How dare rose deliver pain free.
Shhh.
The mothers who actually went through child birth are talking right now.
Sorry, mish.
But don't you want to be part of the pregnancy club?
See?
Some pregnancies can be easy.
Well if it was that easy, then you'll have no problems doing it again.
My baby.
We look alike too.
That's a bed-pan wrapped in a blanket, idiot.
Billy.
Where's Harry's new side kick?
The baby? Ah, he's with the doctors, they're just checking him out.
He's amazing.
You win.
You and the baby get Harry.
Oh no, Billy, you're not losing Harry, you're gaining a little brother.
He's your side kick.
I get a side kick?
You're not being replaced.
And when he comes back, we'll introduce you to little William.
William?
But that's my name.
No, your name is Billy.
Oh, right.
Um, we'll choose a new name. You can help.
But right now, I got to get some rest.
Look, I feel horrible about this whole "happiest day of my life" thing.
But it was like I was witnessing your birth.
Except Anastasia took sixty four hours, instead of ten minutes.
Let it go, mom.
I've always regretted not being there for your birth.
Having you now makes all of my days the happiest.
Your father wanted a boy.
Okay I'm sorry.
That's not true.
Hey, I've been there.
Shhh.
Mommy's asleep.
Oh, there you are.
Isn't he beautiful?
Harry, that baby's black.
Oh, no.
They gave you the wrong sperm, rose!
Wrong baby.
Give me the baby.
Isn't he beautiful?
Oh no!
I've been bitten.
It's a baby, it doesn't have teeth.
Or does it?
Can I see?
No, bitten by the baby bug.
I just realized that I really do want a baby.
Dammit.
I really want to take him home.
And one two three four...
Ten fingers, and ten toes.
And no teeth.
Nice work on this one, m'am.
There's your baby.
- Aww! - Isn't he gorgeous?
- He's adorable. - She's adorable.
Is this actually my baby?
Yep.
Wow.
Harry, this is your son.
Pinocchio.
No.
Frodo.
No.
Adolfo.
No.
I want to have a baby!
And I'll carry it myself.
Oh my God, really?
Oh I love you!
Wow.
Finally.
My little guy.
I am so sorry I missed your birth, but I promise you,
I'm gonna be there every day you need me.
Oh God, what do I do?
He probably needs a boob.
I mean he's my son.
So it would make sense.
Oh, yeah.
Shhhhhhhh.
So.
How's this going to work?
We'll figure it out.
You're the mother of my baby.
There will never be another bond like this.
Harry?
Brenda!
Linda.
It's still Linda.
Linda. Linda.
Right.
You look well.
It's been a while.
How long?
Around nine months.
- Oh, great. She's a redhead too. - Yeah, that's my big concern right now.
Hi.
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