Why are you here?
I'm going shirt shopping with Anastasia.
Want a scotch?
This is our home.
Oh, right.
You're out of scotch.
I'm glad Anastasia finally broke up
with that loser, Bucky Denton.
That happens to be old news.
You knew Ana was dating someone?
No.
She went from "In a Relationship"
to "Single" yesterday.
You guys aren't friends with her?
Not since she hit puberty.
Facebook friends.
Eight hundred people know Anastasia better than you do.
I would love to be her Facebook friend.
Get an account.
I'll show you how computers work.
Oh please Harry.
We have an account on the world wide web.
How did you get Anastasia to accept your friend request?
I didn't.
She actually asked me to be her friend.
She asked you?
Oh here she comes.
That's hilarious.
Hey, Harry!
That was so funny.
I can't believe you wrote that.
Yeah but your mom is totally not a-
I used to give, give, give.
I gave to these two ladies.
That's my boy.
Oh, and I'm also their donor.
That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh.
And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too.
I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad.
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Hey, beautiful, how 'bout another?
Martini, two olives, hold the douche.
You'll never land her, Harry.
She's your white whale.
Your Moby Dick.
Tonight's the night, I can feel it.
I'd give you a paid shift off if you Moby-Dicked her.
How long have you been waiting to use that?
Three months.
It ain't happening.
And that's the third time in a row you stood me up.
Baby's room?
We're supposed to get a crib?
Remember?
I remember!
Now.
That you told me.
Sorry, I forgot.
Did you forgot I was pregnant?
How could I forget that?
You're huge!
In a good way.
Like a sumo wrestler.
What?
You...
I...
have to pee.
Again?
I'm peeing for two.
Hmm.
How's that?
Well, interesting.
We haven't properly met, have we?
My fault.
I can be a real ice queen.
Congratulations on the baby.
You and your wife must be so happy.
Oh, that's not my wife.
I am free as a bird.
Do you-Ya, I'm kind of talked out.
She's a home wrecker.
Yeah.
Home demolition contractor.
How did you know?
I didn't.
I mean she's a "home wrecker".
She likes married men.
It's an easy way for us-them-
to have a non-committed relationship.
And when you threaten to tell their wives, they give you bling.
Sweet.
I've found the key to Moby-Dick's shackled heart.
And by heart, you mean pants.
No, Irene.
That's not what I meant.
I meant vagina.
I can't wait to harpoon that white whale.
And by harpoon I mean...
So, ah, what do you think?
It's ridiculous.
I know, it's a bit flashy but-
He just waltzes in like he owns the place.
Oh. You mean Harry.
Party!
Back deck, five minutes!
Very exclusive.
Ha ha!
You're really focused on that volunteering.
It's so great.
These gay, bullied teens
need someone to tell them that there is
life beyond high school.
Oh yeah, like when you fall in love.
And get married.
And get busy, and lose sight of
all the important things that are just right in front of you.
These kids are just getting completely ignored.
Yeah, that must feel terrible.
Don't ask how I know this, but you're out of toilet paper.
It's on the shopping list.
Along with that beer you really like.
You are the best wife ever.
Do you see the way he looks at you?
No, I don't.
The kiddie pool is full.
You're both on the guest-list.
Hot tub party!
Let's go!
Why don't you grab your bikini, Zoey, and join us?
Alright.
I just don't see how this fits together.
You really don't think we need that part?
Nope.
It's super.
I'm not sure we bought the right type of crib.
Mmm-hmm.
Okay, you're not even listening.
I stopped listening seven crib discussions ago.
It's a crib!
The baby's not going to try to escape, Rose.
You're not giving birth to a magician.
Although, that would be cool.
I think I need a wrench.
Can you at least drop me off a wrench?
You know, I'll do you one better.
You got the keys to my place grab my tools and put the crib
together yourself!
That's one better?
Fine.
I'll talk to you later.
Wait, Rose!
The tools are heavy.
So don't drop 'em.
You bust that little liquid thing on the level and it's toast.
And yes.
I will pick up some milk.
And yes, some extra-large condoms.
What?
I guess we don't need them because you're pregnant...
and I'm drug and disease free.
I love you too.
Buh bye.
What?
Oh, hey I didn't see you there.
That was just the ole ball and chain.
So you are married?
Yeah, I just don't admit it or wear the ring at the bar.
I get fewer tips being married.
Some people.
Oh and don't even get me started on mother-in-laws.
You have more than one mother-in-law?
Yeah, Rose's Dad is a drag queen.
And such a nag.
I believe you're married.
Look at your shirt.
Yikes.
Somebody's wife dresses him.
Yeah, she sure dresses me.
But I'd like to see you undressed.
Oh me too.
I mean, I know what I look like undressed,
but trust me, you're gonna love it.
Looks like I'm going to be getting that paid shift off
after all.
Extra-marital affair?
Non-marital affair.
Intra-marital?
Pseudo-marital-
We're going to have sex.
Just doing some work.
Oh you work for Facebook now?
Ana won't add me as a Facebook friend
if she knows that it's me.
So I've created a fictional teenage profile-
That's completely unethical.
I'm going out with friends.
It's nowhere dangerous.
Please get off my case.
Ouch.
Where did you get those bruises?
Um, I... jammed my arm in a vice.
In industrial arts class.
You don't take industrial arts.
I meant math class.
Is someone hurting you?
Are you hurting yourself?
Over-parent much?
Seriously, how much Glee do you guys watch?
Our little girl.
So open, so forthcoming.
How exactly do you set up this fake account so we can become
her friend?
I'll show you.
But I think I should probably "unlike" Glee.
Yeah.
Having a mistress is awesome.
No dinners, no movies, no walks in the park.
And I can't be seen in public with her.
All the benefits of dating an ugly girl, except she's hot.
You should've gotten fake married years ago.
Yeah I know.
I wasn't ready until now.
If you do that again I will knock you into next February.
Black History Month?
Okay, I know why you're mad.
But it just fell out of your bedside drawer, I swear.
It's just I had never seen a double-sided one before-What? No!
You were ogling Zoey's boobs.
Yeah.
Probably.
I'm a boob guy.
Or also as it's known - a guy.
I thought you out of all people would know that.
Wait.
You're an ass man?
Ass person?
Harry.
Never look at Zoey's boobs again.
That's like saying don't look directly into the sun.
It's impossible.
Good luck not staring at a set of boobs.
What?
I can totally keep my eyes off Zoey's boobs.
No problem.
Up here, sport.
Okay.
We need to make this fake Facebook profile look real.
I hate that you used the name Megan McGullicutty.
You wouldn't let me name our child Megan,
so I'm going to get this.
Megan was the biggest bully in my high school!
She put itching powder on my Rubik's Cube.
And you can't have Megan working at the mall.
Ana goes there all the time.
Plus I kinda see her as more of an entrepreneur.
Maybe she has an internet start-up?
I think we're ready to launch.
Okay.
Now go to Anastasia's profile and click
"add friend" and ta da.
Okay.
We just need to wait to be accepted.
It might take a few days.
She's accepted us.
Our daughter has finally accepted us.
We can see Ana's last status update.
"My Mom and Dad both gave me twenty bucks for lunch.
What idiots."
We're in!
Uh, just doing some husbandly chores.
One second.
Hey!
I don't normally have affairs, but um...
I'm ready.
No.
I prefer that she watches.
Do you love her?
We've been fighting so much lately-Huh. Really.
Oh, no.
I love her so much.
You know, Rose is beautiful.
And smart.
And her eyes.
Oh my God, wow, do they sparkle.
I just adore my wife.
I love the way you talk to me.
Shall we take this to the marital bed?
Thought you'd never ask.
Oh, my God!
I'm sorry.
Rose?
What are you doing here?
So early.
Wrench.
Wench?
Wench. Me?
Wrench.
For the crib.
Okay this is not what it looks like.
It is exactly what it looks like.
We need to talk about what this looks like.
I didn't touch your husband.
Husband?
Oh my God... my pregnant wife...
you must think that you are catching me CHEATING...
on you, my pregnant wife.
Please don't storm out of the apartment!
Really?
Cheating on me?
Really.
Oh. Yes.
No.
Yes.
Hmm.
Seriously, you want me to play this game?
With everything we have to do.
I mean, paint the baby's room.
Shelves.
Crib.
Honestly, Harry I need your help right now.
And maybe you'd have more time for me if
you weren't trying to bed every whore in the bar.
Whore.
That's my favorite stein-I mean that's our favorite...
I mean, honey!
You're not being reasonable.
Okay.
You're not going after her?
Of course.
I must go after her!
This is definitely not happening?
No.
Ok, you might want to go out the back
to avoid the messy scene that will no doubt occur
when I confront my angry wife.
Hello, Downton Abbey.
Oh!
And? And?
Oh!
Alright!
Hey Mish, have you seen my bags of top soil?
I used them to turn our hot tub- Kiddie pool... into a mud bath!
It's very soothing.
Oh man, I forgot my loofah sponge outside.
Nice farmer's lesbian daughter vibe going on, Zoey.
You look great.
This old thing?
Oh, right.
You look dirty.
In a bad way.
I mean not bad-sexy.
Just bad.
Ugly.
You look bad in that.
Enjoy the gardening, Zoey.
Well, not likely.
Huh.
The flower snobs took down my heirloom tomatoes.
Mmm-hmm.
You're right, I really shouldn't let it bother me.
Well, okay.
Thanks, Harry.
I am going to move to the South Side Community garden.
They're so much more welcoming.
You know what, you're such a great listener.
I really get what women see in you.
He's got it all figured out.
Don't be so sarcastic.
He actually looks at me when he talks to me.
Maybe you should take a page from his book.
Never mind.
Bye, honey.
Bye.
This is great.
Anastasia updates every moment of her life!
Wait a second, this is her latest status:
"Skipping Algebra for a long lunch"
and then she checked in at the mall!
There's a reception desk at the mall?
"While skipping school seems like fun,"
you don't want to risk getting poor grades
"or blowing future career opportunities LOL."
Wait don't write on there!
We're just using this to spy on her.
Are you kidding me?
This is perfect.
She'll actually respect our opinion now.
We're her peer.
We're just like Harry... without being idiots.
Wait.
Look at that picture, what she's wearing!
We have to do something.
"In the future, you may not want to wear such a short skirt.
It makes you look like a harlot."
A harlot?
Quick, you've got to say something more teenager-ish!
Skank!
"Skank!"
Good.
And nice job with the fake typos.
It's going to make Megan look like a believable teenager.
Right, fake typos.
Ana plays dodgeball.
That's where she got her bruises from!
Dodgeball?
We should be playing in the father and daughter league.
Secrets are destroying this family.
I know.
Don't forget to log off.
And clear the browser history.
Always clear the browser.
I do not watch pornography.
What can I get for you?
How about a willing participant in the raising of his child.
Do you want fries with that?
Come on, I'm sorry.
Oh great.
Michelle?
You're making me look bad.
I think that's the pant suit.
Just stop being Zoey's sounding board
and go back to objectifying my wife!
Alright?
You are screwing up my marriage.
Duck and cover.
I can't let my mistress learn that my baby mama
isn't also my wife.
Rose, fill her in.
I told my wife we're just friends.
She bought it.
So when are we hooking up?
Did you put the crib together for your wife?
Paint the baby's room?
Put up the shelves?
No.
If you aren't telling her she's beautiful
every now and then, she's gonna leave you for someone who is.
Hey.
Lay off him.
Marriage is not easy.
You have no idea how hard a woman has to work
just to keep her wife happy.
He should be treating you better.
I like that wench.
Gotta hand it to her.
She won't wreck a home unless it's built
on a solid foundation.
Harry.
We need to talk.
Hello?
Yeah.
Anastasia's been bullied?
Are you sure that you don't mean that she bullied someone?
Okay.
Can we please put your minor, petty issues on hold?
Anastasia's in trouble.
Okay, before we get started, Who are all
you people?
I'm Anastasia's father... ish.
Sperm donor father.
As the friend of a former bully, I know the mindset.
I'm here for Anastasia too.
I do work with at-risk teens, and I have been through
the bullying and the trauma of coming out.
It was more of a "Confirming Assumptions"
than a "Coming out," though, right?
My kid will be Anastasia's half-sibling.
We are not a couple.
I get nothing from him.
Let's get back to Anastasia.
I don't want this to be a big deal.
Which is why I didn't call them.
How did you know I was here?
Your status said that you were bullied.
Status?
Like online?
Ummm, what?
No.
Harry sent your "status" by message on
the old reliable telephone.
Status, on line?
What's that?
Some sort of tweeter thing?
Why did you tell them, Harry?
They're going to blow this out of proportion.
No we won't.
We want the police involved!
Our daughter doesn't deserve to be bullied.
Especially by those two little monsters sitting outside.
No. No.
Those girls reported the cyber-bullying.
Oh.
What lovely young women.
Cyber-bullying is a very serious matter.
And as a child psychologist...
Don't worry.
Megan McGullicutty will be held responsible.
Great.
Are we sure they aren't just harmless words on a screen?
How could you say that?
Look what it's doing to your daughter.
Let's take a look at Megan's comments.
And I'm bleeping here-"Bleep your blouse.
And I don't like that skirt you whore."
That doesn't sound like Megan.
Or like a Megan.
Let me see that.
Ohh.
Clearly, Megan's husband meant to write, "Tuck your blouse".
And "I don't like that skirt you wore."
Obvious typos... that any believable fifteen year old girl
would make.
We'd like to talk to our daughter in private.
Excuse us.
Darling, cyber-bullying is damaging, no question.
But bullies are people too.
And I'm sure that if Megan could go back in time
and undo what she did, she would.
Unfortunately, there's no white out on the internet.
So you're taking the bully's side?
Alleged bully.
I'm sure that Megan would go back and say-
Wait, where did you get those bruises?
I just wish when I was your age I had someone
tell me that it was okay to be myself.
That once you get out of here, people won't judge you,
just cause of the way you look.
Or your sexual orientation.
We're not gay, you know.
You don't have to lie to me.
Or yourself.
Not anymore.
Just know that... It gets better.
Hey.
It gets better.
"Are you ready for intimacy?"
Huh, now I have a question.
Do you think that it's wrong
for someone to be in a sexual relationship
if it negatively affects other relationships in their lives?
Look, I'm a high school guidance counselor...
Oh I have a question.
Can she tell me how to spend my spare time?
Cause last time I checked, it's my life.
"You've got choices!"
Huh, so does this mean that I can choose to disapprove
of his terrible choices?
Is there one here on nagging?
Because nagging... huge problem for me.
Listen, you're free to have whatever demented
relationships you want.
But do not make me a pawn in your juvenile games.
Demented?
Juvenile?
Haha.
Okay, I am just pretending to be married
so that I can have a fake affair.
Do you see what I'm dealing with here?
Ahh, I really think we should...
Oh dear God if you pick up that pamphlet
on unplanned pregnancy, you are dead.
Uh oh.
Uh oh!
Oh could you this is...
I'm just reading it!
I'm reading it.
This is what I deal with every day.
I mean, sure, civil unions were a big win for us.
But when your wife keeps nagging you about not noticing her...
I mean enough already, right?
We're not gay.
And don't get me started on the whole sperm donor thing.
Oh, to be back in high school.
It gets worse.
It gets much worse.
Look! Look!
Bruises!
There's some real bulllying to be dealt with!
Those are hickeys!
I can spot them a mile away.
I thought your profile said you broke up with.
"Sucky Bucky" Denton a week ago.
Sucky Bucky?
Wait... you two are Facebook friends?
Yep.
All of you!?
Those girls told the teacher I was being cyber-bullied.
I thought I was going to get to go home early.
I didn't feel bullied in any way.
Until you all showed up.
Not you three.
So if there's no bullying going on,
then clearly we're out of here.
We all learned a lesson.
What lesson is that?
Well, if you tell someone the lesson you learned,
it won't come true.
Anastasia wants to drop the whole matter,
and we wholeheartedly support her.
We better get out of here.
Jenny and Sara over there are thinking of filing a grievance.
And do not tell them my name.
You owe me.
For what?
Zoey is pissed at me, Harry.
Why did you have to go and listen to all of her problems?
Now I look like the jackass.
Okay, if you really want me to go back to
staring at your wife's boobs and treating her
like an object, then I'll do that for you.
I haven't been listening to anything that she's said, have I?
Nope.
Not to anyone, really.
Thanks, Harry.
Wait!
Did I just fall for your eye-gazing?
Yeah, I've been looking at your eyes.
I can go back to look at all boobs?
Including yours?
You really want to look at my boobs?
Oh yeah.
I mean, black, white.
Gay, straight.
Nun, atheist.
I mean, I don't discriminate.
My stares are fair.
Boobs, well they're all equal in my eyes.
Yeah.
This feels right.
No.
Okay, so we'll just file a report
with the police and this will be behind us.
The police?
The school has a zero-tolerance policy for bullying.
The perpetrator must be dealt with.
Fantastic.
Thank you.
I know we're not a couple, but I kind of thought
we'd be a team.
Yeah.
My fake mistress made it clear I haven't been very supportive.
I'm going to be a better fake husband
and sort of a real father.
Because being a real friend - it's important.
I appreciate that, Harry.
I do.
And I'm staying away from my Moby-Dick.
It's probably for the best.
That white whale would've swallowed you whole.
Yeah.
This wasn't Harry's fault.
Okay, this was my fault.
I want you to know that you do not go unnoticed.
Thank you.
That's really sweet.
So, how was your day?
Um, sorry, what?
So you promised a woman who you aren't dating
that you wouldn't sleep with me?
Yes.
No illicit affairs for me.
Or even licit ones.
Whatever we had must never happen again.
And you're hoping that by saying this,
you'll become forbidden fruit and I'll want to sleep with you?
No.
Maybe.
Yes.
Yes, I created an account and
pretended to be a 15-year-old girl.
And yes, I befriended many teenagers, but only so that
another 15-year-old girl would be my friend online!
Wait, that sounds bad.
Um, the girl I wanted to befriend is my daughter!
Well, not my biological daughter.
Okay, as a lawyer, I'm going to stop myself...
I'd like to add that this was all my wife's idea.
OW!
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