Got Lamaze class again today.
It's going to be la-mazing.
La-mazing?
I'm guessing you still haven't managed to make any friends?
No.
I can never connect with people in a classroom setting.
Alright, I'll be your birth partner, I'll help you be cool.
The other parents won't even notice that you're a nerd.
Really?
You'll help me be cool!?
Wait, I'm not a nerd.
Total nerd.
I would've had you for breakfast in high school.
Irene was one of those tough, smoking-cigarettes-by-the-door
kind of girls.
I preferred to hang out in the teacher's lounge.
They called me "Brown Roser".
Because of my brown shoes.
You sat at the loser table at lunch, right?
No.
They wouldn't let me.
Who cares if you were a high school loser
who showed up to the prom without a date.
Shows you.
I didn't even go to prom!
Oh. Okay well look it's really easy to be popular.
All you have to do is drink.
It's a prenatal class, Harry.
Okay, smoke-
Prenatal class.
Or be really funny.
I'm funny!
Okay, okay.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wait, you have to know chemistry to get this one.
I used to give, give, give.
I gave to these two ladies.
That's my boy.
Oh, and I'm also their donor.
That's kind of my daughter, huh huh huh.
And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too.
I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad.
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I can't believe you work at a flower shop.
You don't just sell like cactus or, Venus Flytraps, right?
What's your flower budget for the dance?
Two hundred bucks.
Oh. Two hundred will get you my compost pile.
What's your theme?
Living in a Dream World?
Oh, here's Ms. McDougal.
She's the teacher in charge of this year's dance.
We should talk to her.
Ms. McDougal.
I was just going over the flowers with Mich-
Mish-Scellaneous questions about what to get.
Flower-wise.
So we can discuss with the florist.
I'd love to hear the florist's thoughts.
I'm very curious too.
So how about carnations?
OK, look, Nancy, Ms. McDougal, and I
"knew each other" a while ago and it did not end well.
Oh. Ms. McDougal's a-
Crazy bitch?
Yes she is.
So maybe it's best if you don't tell her that you know me,
or that I still live in this city.
Cool?
Alright, let's do a little social overview here.
You've got your preps, skanks, stoners, dorks, and jocks.
Watch out for them.
They shoulder-check the losers when they walk by.
Not jocks...
Gay guys with their surrogate mother.
They could still be jocks.
Don't be homophobic.
Alright.
This is going to be my social Renaissance.
Okay.
No big science words like Renaissance.
Dumb is cool.
Now, let's find a place to sit.
Ooh, I'll sit by the teacher and get her to like me!
Baaamp!
Wrong.
Sit next to the head cheerleader.
Who's right...
There.
See, she just tossed glares to the frumpy dork with glasses.
Classic head cheerleader.
Welcome to the Pre-Natal class.
Could everybody please take their seats?
Sit next to her.
Laugh when she laughs, mock who she mocks.
If you can't be cool for real, be cool by association.
It's working!
Be funny.
Okay today we're going to talk about pain relief.
Anyone know a good relaxation technique?
Masturbation!
You with me, everybody?
It's a tough crowd.
They'll loosen up.
Hmmmm...
Ugh, It's going to be so lame...
Yeah, of course I'm going.
Are you eavesdropping on our daughter?
Without me?
Okay, last week she bought a push-up bra.
Without me.
Push-up bra?
For working out?
I'm losing out on all of our mother-daughter moments.
It pushes them up?
Jonathan, we are losing our little girl.
In three years, she's going to be at college.
She's not a very good student, maybe they'll hold her back?
Shhh!
I'm spying to try and figure out
how to get her to trust me more.
Oh hi honey, we were just in our own little world.
What's going on?
Stop snooping on me.
You're not good at it.
Okay, so the big formal dance is coming up!
It's so exciting.
We can rent a limo, I get your hair done-
And mommy can buy you a new dress?
It'll be sick.
I'll just wear something I already have.
It's not a big deal.
She has no idea how important this dance is to her.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm losing out on a lot of
parenting things too.
To Harry.
He took her to one picnic.
A father and daughter picnic.
Granted, I hate picnics.
Ants.
But it's the principle.
Look, if you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it's yours.
We can't set her free.
She hates us.
Okay fine.
I won't get involved.
Yes.
I'm not breast-feeding.
I couldn't do that to my body.
What type of formula should I use?
Okay seriously, you've got to breast-feed.
Everyone knows that.
I thought that morning sickness was a first trimester thing,
but I still get sick every morning.
I think somebody should be laying off the booze.
You with me, stoners?
Shhhh.
I'm just warming up.
I got this.
New friends, here we come.
No, no, no. No questions.
For my morning sickness, I tried fennel tea.
That's a great idea. Thanks, Rose.
Well, it looks like our session has come to full term.
Really? For that?
Can it with the helpful tips.
Keep it up, they're going to put a "kick me" sign on your back.
Oh, uh, play it cool.
Oh my god like, totes.
That band sucks.
Thank you for the fennel tea idea.
Fennel tea is a real thing?
You know I actually carry a few extra bags in my purse,
you know, just in case of emergencies.
Did... you...?
Thank you!
Oh, you're welcome.
Um, hey guys.
I got one.
Knock, knock.
Oh, I am so so sorry!
You just shoulder-checked me.
No one in the class likes me.
You're just so special, that people don't get you.
But that'll change as you get older.
Thanks.
Wait.
That's what I said to you last week.
It's true, right?
Yeah.
It's true.
I just don't understand why you're so reluctant
to talk to me about your ex-girlfriends.
What happened with Nancy?
Please tell me it was a cat-fight.
What's a cat fight?
Imagine your two favourite ice creams
rolling around in a bowl together.
Just for you.
Okay, this is a private adult conversation.
Alright.
I'll give you the details later.
What about this woman was so crazy?
She smashed up my Subaru with a tire iron.
Oh I once had an ex who smashed up my car
when we got into our first fight!
Good old Crazy Nancy.
Crazy Nancy McDougal?
Yeah.
You dated Crazy Nancy, too?
Well there must be a million.
Crazy Nancy McDougal's out there.
I hope so.
Yeah.
Double-jointed?
Yeah it's totally her.
Where's my little girl?
You went and bought Ana a gown for her formal!
It's just like you to think the worst of me.
I had legitimate shopping at... 'Gowns, Gowns, Gowns'?
Really?
What happened to.
"We need to give her more space"?
I never said 'we'.
You're right.
Time is precious.
We're losing our little girl.
What is that?
Is that a dress?
You said you weren't getting involved.
I am just doing my duty as a mother.
Leave some parenting for me.
Men can't pick out dresses.
Wrong!
The saleslady said that every single
dress I looked at was a wonderful choice!
I have a gift.
Hi honey!
Look what Mommy got you for your formal.
I'd look like a sparkly ho-bag.
You think I'm a slut, Mom?
The dress we bought is killer.
You let Harry buy you a dress?
Of course not.
I used your credit card.
I bought a shirt!
Thank you for the shirt you bought me.
It's gonna make me really popular in class.
Hey we got the same dress.
Chiffon?
Good taste, my man.
Yeah.
It's wrinkle-free.
Absolutely, I mean is there any other way to go?
You actually thought this would fit me?
At least I got the right size.
A mother knows these things.
You two think I'm a big-boned sparkle slut?
Thanks.
You are not a better mother than I am.
Well...
I can't believe you get to pin the corsage.
That is a total dad thing.
Okay fine.
Then I get the nail salon before the formal.
But I'll miss all the glamour.
The gossip.
Oh, Jonathan...
Fine.
But I get to pick up her date.
Fine.
I don't even have a date!
Oh, no!
Really?
No one gets prom dates anymore.
Except ironically.
Which is so played out.
I could be your date!
Oh, God.
Oh, lord.
Oh, chaperones!
We could supervise.
What's a dance without chaperones?
A good dance.
I would rather be torn apart by wolves
than have you two come to the formal.
I think that was a Twilight reference.
Ugh!
She's so dramatic!
I could be a chaperone.
I have a hundred and sixty degree rotation in my neck.
Not good enough.
You have two eyes, but every teenage boy
at that dance is gonna have like eight arms.
Nine, if you count...
Harry, please.
Just saying.
You're going to need an army of chaperones
to handle what goes on at a dance.
From spiking the punch-bowl, to the mattress room
in the basement.
Mattresses in the basement?
Oh no.
Bed bugs are a serious issue.
Oh!
Oh, no!
Sooo, Michelle, when exactly did you date Nancy?
You know I was thinking the same thing about you.
Yeah.
I mean one of us made Nancy straight.
Or made her gay.
I definitely straightened her out.
No way.
She must have been straight, and then I gave her a gay over.
Hey.
We need to know who turned her.
Turned her?
People don't get turned.
That is such an ignorant straight male thing to say.
Ya but maybe she was on the fence.
And one of us helped her off with his penis.
No, Harry you can't turn someone gay or straight.
It's just the way they were born.
Right, Mish?
You don't think someone can be turned!
Ohhh you think that you turned me?
I was your first, right?
So maybe you were just on the fence a little.
Like a small fence.
Right, you just flipped a switch and turned me gay!
Strong move, Michelle!
Come on, yes.
That Lamaze class is full of stupid nerds.
No, not nerds, just normal, well-adjusted, professional adults.
Old nerds.
No, adults who have actually done something with their lives.
Unlike the two of you.
I run my own bar.
And I can get any guy I want.
Sure, just not one that's disease free.
I like feisty Rose.
Maybe you peaked in high school.
Me?
No way.
Look out, Feisty Rose.
I'm going to win over that class.
I'm going to show those lameoids
I'm a likeable accomplished adult!
How?
By speaking in a British accent.
I'm going to work on it.
Soo I'm Zoey Krasnoff.
You have a child enrolled here?
No, but what are your feelings on whether or not
people can be "turned"?
You know, straight to gay and vice-versa?
Oh are you looking for the guidance counselor's office?
It's a ridiculous idea, right?
People can't get "turned".
Do I know you?
We have a friend in common.
My wife.
Michelle Jones?
Bitter Michelle Jones?
Yeah.
I need to prove to her that you were born gay or straight.
And not turned by her.
Do you know you're married to a cheater?
Well, she makes up words in scrabble all the time.
It's ridonkerous.
She cheated on you?
It was May, 2001.
A day that will live in infamy.
Pearl Harbor the movie came out.
And I found out Michelle went to the premiere
with someone else!
And then me and her Subaru had a little chat.
Oh, the opening of Pearl Harbour,
that was Michelle's and my first date.
IT WAS YOU!
You're the one she cheated on me with?
Did you just come here to gloat about ruining my life?
Ohhhh!
Aaaaahhh!
Crazy Nancy.
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Hee! Hee! Hee!
Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
Hee! Hee! Hee!
The breathing techniques are for the women.
Then how come I'm the best at it?
Does anyone have any baby-related activity ideas?
Easy on the over-zealous dad stuff.
Someone's scared I'm going to steal her popularity.
Why don't you just give someone else a chance to speak?
Well, that's all the time we have for today.
We're going to go to a tea shop.
Care to join us?
Sure.
You're not invited.
- You okay. - Yeah.
To take the bus home?
He doesn't have a car.
Burn.
Rose says that you're a bad mom
for not breast-feeding your kid.
Isn't she the worst?
I didn't-it wasn't-... I didn't say 'bad', I said 'backward'.
Bye Rose...
Guess we know who the back-stabber is now.
Well I wouldn't call her a back-stabber-Blimey, it's me.
Yeah.
Janet? Where's Ana?
She left hours ago.
She went to the sex formal alone?
No she-
Oh, God.
Why are you wearing that?
No reason.
Maybe I'm a secret agent or something.
You don't know.
I was going to be her date.
Dear God.
She needs me.
Anastasia doesn't need me or you.
I asked Harry to be her chaperone.
Harry?
Bad idea.
Bad. Bad.
Ana will not tolerate having us watch over her,
and Harry understands the teenage mind.
Cause he still has one.
We're talking about Harry, right?
The guy that jay walks?
At night?
It'll be fine.
It's Harry.
It's nothing.
Oh, Ana is in trouble.
Big big trouble.
Just-just-go.
Our daughter.
Spiking the punch.
This never would have happened if I was her date.
I'm an idiot.
I allowed a booze hound with a reckless personality
into her life-
I had two appletinis and blacked out.
Once.
Ten years ago.
- You think you could forgive me. - You meant Harry.
Could we just find her?
I got this.
Harry!
There you are.
Shhh!
Don't use my name.
What, is there going to be a magic show?
Would you help us find.
Anastasia's teacher please.
Sorry, you guys are on your own.
I don't want to risk running into her.
I didn't know she'd be here.
Who?
Crazy Nancy McDougal.
Ana's gym teacher?
You know you shouldn't use
such a disrespectful nickname for her.
Why, is she close by?!
We should not be here.
Anastasia called you because
she thought you could help with Nancy McDougal.
Why would she think that I can help?
Crazy Nancy hates me.
And anything I drive.
Well because Anastasia thinks that gay women have a bond.
Even with their exes.
Anastasia thinks Nancy is still gay!
Yes!
I win.
Harry didn't make her straight!
Where is he?
I can't wait to rub the good news in his face.
People don't turn gay, or straight!
I know.
I just happened to be the first woman you were ever with-
Do you want a trophy?
I feel guilty that you cheated on Nancy with me.
You should feel really guilty.
We have to make things right.
I wasn't with Nancy when I met you,
I was trying to escape Nancy.
Her nickname is Crazy.
When a judge gives someone a nickname, it means something.
Alright, where are those pregnancy pact girls?
I'm ready to talk 'em down.
If it comes to it I'll even show them my ankles.
Okay um.
Full disclosure.
There are no girls who made a pact to be pregnant.
It was a lie to get you here.
What?
But if it makes you feel better, I'm sure scaring some girls
with your ankles tonight
will help them make better choices in the future.
Alright is this you trying to be funny again?
Look, some of us have moved on from high school.
I've moved on.
I know I can't be the immensely popular class clown anymore.
No, because now you're the back-stabber.
No.
Because I've learned that the rules of
high school don't apply in real life.
But tonight, we're not in real life.
I need to give you something.
You drove here, right?
Yes?
I'll be right back.
There have been some Crazy Nancy sightings,
and I need to make sure that your car is safe.
I swear I didn't spike the punch bowl, or smuggle a mickey,
or drink any alcohol.
If I did, I'd actually be having fun.
I know you did it.
How?
This is craz-
What's crazy?
Who's crazy?
Nothing.
Ana!
We're here for you.
Your daughter is in big trouble.
I need your help.
You do?
You need us?
We're so disappointed in you, honey.
Michelle, wait!
Oh God.
Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Harry?
Oh God.
This is great.
Everyone's here.
Let's talk this out.
NO.
Hey, Nancy.
"Nance".
Haven't seen you since... the whole car tire iron thing.
I could have done a lot worse.
Okay but we had some good times, though.
Remember the Pearl Harbour
early preview screening we snuck into?
I thought Bennifer would be there.
I know but it was just a theater in the suburbs.
I don't know why you'd think that.
You saw Pearl Harbour with Harry?
Oh.
Yeah.
So you were dating me and Harry at the same time!
Which means I was the Other Woman?!
Which means I turned her!
Uh-uh. I turned her.
Excuse me?
Look.
We've all done stupid things.
Terrible, unspeakable, legally iffy things.
But it's all worth it if we learn from our mistakes,
and find our very own Jennifer Garner.
Maybe I was a bit, not sane sometimes back then.
And Anastasia may have also made a mistake.
Can you let her off with a warning?
I suppose.
She does kind of remind me of myself when I was that age.
There, there sweatheart.
It's your first time getting drunk,
and we are here for you for this important milestone.
Can you get a picture?
I didn't even drink anything!
There's not even alcohol in that punch!
Ms. McDougal is crazy.
Well when you do get drunk for the first time,
we'll be there to drive you home.
And hold your hair.
Why would you need to hold my hair?
Oh, you'll see.
I've decided to look the other way this time.
But I'll be watching you.
Good, cause I didn't do anything.
Thank you, Daddy.
You're welcome.
Drinking is bad.
- That's why so many people smoke. - Smoke.
Salmon.
It's delicious.
Okay I'm going to leave you guys alone.
My big dress!
I wish I looked as beautiful as you, Rose.
Maybe I should get pregnant!
No!
This is so sweet.
- Yeah I confiscated it off a girl who. - I bought it for you.
Rose, listen.
Your-
I get it.
You wanted to give me the prom I never had.
And with all the drama, and the hormones, and this dress...
I mean, you did it.
It's almost like being in high school again.
I was going to say, "Your boobs look goooood."
Well.
Now it's exactly like being in high school.
Punch?
Don't drink that.
You're pregnant.
Someone may have spiked it.
Care to dance?
You know, Anastasia might not always need us,
but I will always need you.
Two.
You're counting, aren't you?
One, and two, and three, and four.
I was the first woman that you were ever with.
But you were the first woman that I ever loved.
Ahem, hands above the waist.
Sorry.
Just doing my job.
You look great.
You could be prom queen.
I'm pregnant.
So you're a couple months ahead of the actual prom queen.
Things are way different now than when you were in high school.
There's bullying.
STDs.
Even drugs.
Yyyeah.
So different from when I was in high school.
My friend Jimmy got expelled when
his frenemy posted a video of him doing bath salts on Vimeo.
Yeah.
Is it too late to take back my sarcasm?
Do you date men or women now?
I only have one relationship in my life.
It's with God.
But is your God a man or a woman?
You know you look ridiculous in that tuxedo.
Is that right, Miss Moneypenny?
Oh, Jon.
Join me in this storage room
and I'll demonstrate my latest gadget.
Sorry.
So sorry.
Wooo!
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