And what's the one thing she shouldn't do?
Open the coffin.
That's what grown-ups call, "so bad it's good".
You didn't tell me there'd be monsters.
Buddy it's called "Monster Squad."
And hey, the good guys lived in the end!
And the hero used the Magic Spellbook to
destroy the monsters and save all the hot people.
But I don't have a Magic Spellbook.
Hmm. Good point.
So, how was guy's night?
Did you watch both Wiggles DVDs?
I saw a head get cut off!
What?!
The special effects were terrible.
It was basically claymation.
Now I'm scared of clay too!
Okay.
How was I supposed to know he was going to be scared?
The kid makes his own lucky rabbit's feet.
His last Google search was the word "autopsy".
Can Harry sleep over?
I'll have nightmares without Harry here.
I know it.
Well we're getting no sleep.
Okay, yeah, Harry can sleep on the couch.
'Night, Harry!
See you at breakfast o'clock!
You're not actually sleeping on the couch.
So, in the king-sized bed with you guys?
You gays are so conservative.
Billy's right, there are monsters in this house.
Scary ones.
I used to give, give, give.
I gave to these two ladies.
That's my boy.
Oh, and I'm also their donor.
That's kind of my daughter, huh, huh, huh.
And she's a little bit pregnant with my baby too.
I'm Harry, but the kids, they call me dad.
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Did that come from our ensuite bathroom?
Harry!
What are you doing here?
I was in the neighborhood, and I don't like using
public bathrooms.
You never know who's been in there.
So you just decided to come...
By the way, you're out of the vitamins I like.
You ate my Flintstones?
Just the Barneys.
I only buy them for the Barneys!
Janet, show this man out.
Harry, this is totally unacceptable,
and a major violation of our privacy.
I know why you're irritable.
I saw the antifungal creme behind Jonathan's nose hair trimmer.
Yes, that was Jonathan's nose hair trimmer.
Boundaries, Harry.
From now on, if you want to come over here,
you need to schedule an appointment.
You want me to plan my visits?
In advance?
What, with a crystal ball?
Jonathan and I schedule everything.
Here, look.
Breakfast with the Wilsons.
Plan holidays.
F.M. SILK."
That's... private.
F.M. Silk?
Huh.
Silk was an R&B group in the early 90s,
right around the time you would have met Jonathan.
Silk's biggest hit was a sexy ballad called Freak Me - F.M.
Tomorrow at one o'clock you're having sex with your husband.
How did you...?
Common sense.
Wait.
You schedule your sex?
Why?
You don't have to worry about the different people
you're having sex with running into each other.
Okay.
We have nothing to be ashamed of!
We are very busy people and with Jonathan's bad shoulder,
he needs plenty of notice to do his stretches
before we have sex-
We never spoke of this.
I wish we hadn't.
Ugh.
What were we talking about before?
Boundaries.
Morning, day, and night sickness.
But, as of today, I am officially pregnant.
I'm glad that baby finally got its papers in order.
I'm coming out of the pregnancy closet.
I'm telling my boss tomorrow!
Neat! Gimme a sec.
Help! Rose is living in a dream world.
One where redheads are sexy?
She's going to tell her boss that she's pregnant.
Bad idea.
I know!
If she loses her job, I can't support her and the baby.
I've gotten used to a certain kind of lifestyle.
This is a lifestyle?
Hey I make enough money to enjoy some of the finer things.
I pay someone to cut my hair, I buy name brand-name soup,
take the bus all I want.
Telling your boss you're pregnant is like
FIRE ME.
REDUCE MY HOURS.
REPLACE ME WITH A GAY DUDE.
Don't tell him.
Hide your pregnancy.
Just make sure when your water breaks you don't do it
over the books.
What do you think I do for a living?
You're a librarian.
You tell people to "Shhhh".
I'm the assistant curator of the college's
printed materials archive.
And I make the coffee.
So you're a wanna-be librarian?
Shhhh!
When a waitress tells me that she's pregnant, all I hear is,
"This job is now my lowest priority."
I will never be on time again.
"Oops, my boob just leaked on table eight."
That actually happened.
Yeah.
Oh.
Well, Billy's asleep already!
He feels safe knowing Harry's over again.
Ah, pretending to stay over.
You have to be here at 6:30 AM when he wakes up.
That's the middle of the night!
Well there's nothing more valuable than feeling safe.
Especially in this neighbourhood.
Oh, please.
There's like been two break-ins on this street.
Big deal.
Yeah, big deal.
Break-ins?
But it's such a great area.
Yeah you'd think those flowers and lawns would offer
some protection.
I blame those roads.
Some of them connect to the rest of the city.
Okay I will see you in the morning.
You know we don't have an alarm system.
And we really shouldn't be lying to Billy.
You don't actually want me to stay over, do you?
Well Michelle won't like it, but...
Shhh.
When you put it that way...
Walter, there's something I want to tell you.
Great.
There's something I want to tell you.
But you go first.
No, you go.
"You're the boss."
Hooo, sharp as a tack!
That is why I want you to replace Franca and interview
for Head Curator of the Rare Books Collection.
You want me to watch over the books no one can touch or read?
That is my dream job.
Whenever I played Rare Book Collection as a little girl,
I was always Head Curator!
Great.
Well it's a big pay raise, a health plan, corner office.
Well, it's a corner of my office.
Now the Board members are coming in Saturday to interview people.
That's not a problem for you, right?
Oh no, Saturday's no problem.
Great, someone with no social life is perfect for this job.
The candidate's going to be chained to their desk
for the next year, turning this place around.
People with friends and family need not apply!
Oh you wanted to tell me something?
I'm getting fat.
Hey!
Ahh.
What are you-!
The door was unlocked.
I guess you don't have to worry about intruders
in this neighbourhood.
Clearly we do.
We talked about this.
That's why I'm here.
To make an appointment for our next visit.
To show you I respect your boundaries.
Good.
You can go now.
Why, do you have something scheduled?
Let me check.
"Calling Fire Department."
How did I do that?
May I?
Oh hey Jonathan.
Tomorrow Anastasia and Billy and I have an appointment
booked for bowling.
Wanna join us?
She wants to hang out with me?
In public?
Yes!
When?
Around... one o'clock?
Oooh.
We're booked.
Really?
Doing what?
None of your business-
Meeting with a friend.
F.M. Silk.
Hmm. What does the F.M. stand for?
Frank-lin-cense Mc-Jenn-ifer.
Well, enjoy your appointment with.
Franklincense McJennifer Silk.
Oh, we will.
Shall I bring the usual equipment and supplies?
You told him?
Oh God.
I gotta go.
Zoey and Michelle need to see me.
Supplies?
Oh..
Have you no sense of boundaries?
But he...
No buts.
And no FM SILK for you either!
We've been robbed.
Oh my God.
Did they take my Monster Squad DVD?
Do you see what happens when you rely on Harry?
We leave and he forgets to lock up!
If a burglar wants in, they're just going to break a window.
Look around; See any broken glass?
Just saved you eight hundred bucks.
Ah ah, you're welcome.
This is who you want protecting you?
He's not protection.
He's just a decoy.
Sorry.
Look if you want to feel secure, babe, you've got me.
You've got me.
I know.
You're my protector.
Ahhh!
You feel scared and you jump into Harry's arms!
Harry's your protector.
No, I wasn't... I didn't-
Oh don't look at me like that.
And those are some of the exciting changes I would make
to the library if you chose me for the position.
Changes that are long "overdue".
I didn't barf once! My boss will never know I'm pregnant.
Couple of dry heaves though.
Where did you go wrong?
I don't know.
I had the cold packs in my shoes, I opened the windows,
and I didn't think about food.
Never use a chair that spins, rolls or reclines.
How do you know all this stuff, Harry?
I'm a bartender.
I know puke.
Your notes are good, you'll do fine.
They're mother- frenching amazing.
And thank God, 'cause I'll need them.
Thanks for coaching me.
If I get this promotion it'll be a huge load off my mind.
Ugh, mine, too!
Why would you have a mind load?
- What does my income have to do with you? - Everything.
'Kay look, if you don't have enough,
then I don't have enough. You can't let them know you're pregnant.
I have dreams of owning a jet ski.
I won't apologize for that.
So wait, you're only helping me
get this job so I don't become a moocher?
You are so selfish.
That's ridiculous.
How do you think that makes me feel?
Jonathan?
Come home, I miss you.
I was hoping we could reschedule our appointment.
Nothing.
If you come home now, maybe we can play one of
those games that you like so much.
You know, cops and robbers.
Garfunkle and Cher.
I cut you off for one day, and you're having phone sex?
Hey!
Harry?!
Why didn't you say something?
I was chewing.
Excuse me for being a gentleman.
I was calling you, and Harry answered.
Put him on speaker.
Harry, what's going on here?
Janet propositioned me.
Lucky for you, I don't like Cher.
But I do for some reason have your phone.
Must have grabbed the wrong one.
Oh my god!
France!
The nude beach!
Those very tasteful photos I took of you?
You still have those photos on your phone?!
You can take them off?
Don't you keep your phone locked?
You can do that?
Harry we need to switch these phones back immediately
or yours is going into the trash.
Hey, my phone's right here.
I must have grabbed them both.
Huh.
Come by for it tomorrow.
If I go out, I'll leave your phone in the kitchen.
Okay wait wait wait wait- how do we get inside?
I'll leave my door unlocked for you.
I live in a good neighbourhood.
I heard it again.
Hey, remember what I told you?
I got you.
I protect our home, okay.
And besides, it's probably just raccoons in the trash anyway.
Those darn raccoons, playing with their scrap metal.
Well will you shoo them away?
Because I want to wake up alive-early - early.
Okay.
Alright.
Go to bed, babe.
I got this.
It's just raccoons it's just raccoons it's just raccoons.
It's just raccoons.
Billy, what are you doing?
House patrol.
I don't have a Magic Spellbook.
I need to protect us.
I'm the goalie of our lives.
Oh, honey that is so sweet, but you don't need to do that, OK.
We're here to keep you safe.
You're using Billy as a human shield?
Yep.
He said my phone would be here.
Where is Harry, anyway?
Bowling with Anastasia and Billy.
Got it!
Thank God.
Back to normal.
Better than normal.
We're trespassing on Harry for a change.
Look, he subscribes to "O Magazine".
He's so embarrassed he said his name is "Occupant".
I wonder how he'd feel if we learned all his
dirty little secrets?
Yeah, went into his medicine cabinet?
This is hilarious!
What?
Looks like Mr. Macho has sensitive teeth.
And he acts like he's king of the jungle.
Mr. High & Mighty has to take care with his ice cream.
God, this is so exciting.
So... am I still cut off?
Only for another fifteen minutes.
Come on.
I hope you guys don't mind, but I brought my own chair.
Someone is wearing a very strong cologne.
Oh. Thanks!
Ok, so why am I here?
"Books. Matter."
Oh, sorry we have to work right through lunch so we
ordered in some sushi.
But we're on a tight schedule; You go right ahead.
Okay.
Dig in!
I can see you checking out the sea urchin.
No!
Thank you.
I'm going to focus on the comprehensive plan, which I have-
Where's my red binder?
Has anyone seen a red binder?
I got some red snapper!
I'll look for that binder in the ladies room.
What, are you sick, Rose?
Sickness?
In the morning?
Not me.
I'm just a little hung over.
From alcohol.
Which I love.
No reason not to drink it.
So if I seem a little pale or sweaty or forgetful, hey,
maybe I had one too many rum and vodkas.
Hey, maybe I'm drunk right now.
No no...
Alright look, I'm just going to level with you guys.
I'm... having an epic period.
'Cause periods totally happen to me all the time.
You ladies know what I'm talking about, right?
Oh God.
Rose, I'm pretty sure I know where the binder is-
Hello.
Oh my god.
My... My... Oh God.
Ana.
Honey.
We were not having sex.
Oh, God what were you doing then?
Okay.
We were having sex.
Nothing worse.
I'm going to need the red binder.
It's best to never even think about it again.
I know, you already said that.
I'm actually talking to myself.
Okay, this is a library.
Try not to die of boredom alright.
You guys wait here.
The Magic Spellbook!
What took you so long?
And why does my binder smell like hand sanitizer?
You don't want either answer.
Well you're too late.
I had to wing it.
You mean like improv?
Rose, no one likes improv.
I know that now!
I started in on my big plan, but it quickly morphed into
how books are obsolete.
And then I talked about my period again.
Again?
They turned me down on the spot.
And Walter's sending me for a weekend of Sensitivity Training.
No no no no.
Harry, I'm done.
I won't let you give up so easily.
We need this job.
We?
Oh that's right, you're protecting your jet-ski fund.
Okay, let me explain.
Jet skis are really awesome-
Good timing!
I just got the Magic book out of the case,
and now there's a fire drill.
Guys.
Huge misunderstanding.
You are smart.
Billy, don't say a word to them.
Libraries suck.
Shhh.
Anastasia, are you alright?
No, of course not.
I'm in a LIBRARY.
Mom, you're missing a button.
Where were you guys?
Honey, you saw.
We were having se-
Stop! Stop talking.
I'm trying to blank that out.
Ugh. It's back in my head now.
Try to meet me half way here.
What happened?
Nothing. I saw nothing.
My parents weren't doing it.
Where's Billy?
Why would he steal an old book?
He said something about a movie with a magic book
that traps monsters?
Harry's fault.
And about having to grow up too fast...
I dunno, I stopped listening.
I wonder why Billy thinks that we're the ones
who need protection.
That is not fair.
You are reading too much into a knee-jerk reaction.
Well knee-jerks say a lot about a person.
You used Billy as a human shield.
No wonder he felt threatened.
Or, maybe he feels threatened because
he knows you don't feel safe unless you're in Harry's arms?
That was just a knee-jerk reac-
This area's for cops and robbers only.
How'd you get in?
The campus cops are all twenty- year-olds with crushes on me.
But hey, thanks for doing your part
in making this the worst day ever.
It's nice to see you too.
We've been rotting in this cage for an hour.
I don't mind waiting, but my partner here is a
ticking time bomb.
But you're right.
Worst day ever.
Your day?
I tried to help someone, and what happened?
Didn't get to go bowling, saw male genitalia-
and got accused of Grand Theft book.
Awwwrrgh.
They're going to fire me, Harry.
They can't do this to me.
Now I'm going to have to pay for everything.
I'm sorry, let me do that again.
That's so awful for you.
Really.
All because you blew a presentation?
No, because they assume I'm the brains behind this heist.
Obviously.
Feel free to apologize anytime.
Apologize for what?
Going rogue.
Roping me into an unscheduled tryst.
Now look what happened.
That's it!
That's what was different.
It was spontaneous.
It was raw.
You liked that?
Well I didn't like being walked in on.
But before that...
wow.
I haven't got a wow from you in years.
So is it true, Rose?
You have a relationship with this thief?
Yes. Well no.
I mean we've never actually kissed before but
there have been some awkward moments.
This was a mistake.
No one meant to steal a book.
I would like to believe you, Rose.
But you have not been yourself lately.
Rose is innocent.
I stole the book, and I did it alone.
I'll even pay for it.
That book is worth sixty thousand dollars.
I hate to flip-flop here.
I just said that to help a pregnant single mom.
It was the kid.
Rose, you're pregnant?
A little bit?
Oh dear, after Franca and the others,
everyone will just assume this one's mine, too.
Why would they-
You knocked up Franca?!
Why did you think there was a job available?
I mean what are you talking about?
Walter I am as disappointed as I am inspired.
So, we might just forget about this whole stolen book thing?
And Rose gets a promotion.
We'd hate to burden you with an unlawful termination suit.
Denying someone a job just because they're pregnant?
Dicey.
Oh, we don't want to go down that ugly road, no sirree!
Congratulations, Rose.
I'll see you Monday.
Thank you.
Nice job protecting your jet ski fund.
Rose.
If I have to give up my fancy name-brand soup
and unlimited bus rides for this baby, then I will.
That's nice, for me, I mean you threw Billy under the bus.
Smart, huh?
Until he's eighteen, he's above the law!
Would you calm down?
Our baby's in danger.
We need to stand up and ding something!
Hi, do you know what time it is?
It's ten after...
It's Carrot Stick Snacktime.
Billy never misses Carrot Stick Snacktime.
This ends now.
Nobody stands between my son and his healthy snacks.
You got it?
Mommies!
Hi.
Hi pumpkin!
I got fingerprinted!
Look I get scared every once in a while.
But that does not mean that we need a man in the house, okay?
Cause we have you, and your fiery streak.
Hey, have you guys seen my Mom and Dad?
We'll be out of here in no time honey.
Don't worry about us.
More book thieves?
Indecent exposure in the stacks.
I don't want to talk about it.
Innocent until proven guilty, honey!
Oh my god!
I want therapy for my birthday!
Have you no boundaries!
I could never replace you with Harry.
Harry, however, is easy to replace.
You're getting us a dog?!
We're getting a dog!
No.
We were thinking, with the baby on the way,
maybe Harry was due for a raise?
How 'bout a better title?
Senior Vice President of Beverage Distribution.
We were thinking more of a financial-
Senior VP?
Really?
Now go clean up the vomit outside the women's washroom.
Mr. Vice President.
Yes!
I want to see you on the 7th.
What time?
Somewhere between 6 and 9 pm.
The exact time will be spontaneous.
Mmmm... I'll be there.
How are you for the 14th?
Good.
Real good.
Oh, I've got a meeting with my broker.
- Can you move it? - I'm moving it right now.
Yes you are. Yes you are.
Sync & corrections by No1 www.addic7ed.com.