1
00:00:01,594 --> 00:00:03,609
This is Alice from way back.

2
00:00:03,703 --> 00:00:05,103
Just a kid doing her best

3
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:08,339
to ignore the implosion
of her parents' marriage.

4
00:00:10,961 --> 00:00:12,544
Which is why she dreamed me up

5
00:00:12,629 --> 00:00:15,347
in her twisted, lonely little mind.

6
00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,936
- What's up?
- Who are you?

7
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,271
I'm Mary, dummy.

8
00:00:23,356 --> 00:00:25,139
And I'm here because I love you.

9
00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:27,692
With my help, you're gonna kick
life in the A-double-S!

10
00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:29,143
That's a swear word.

11
00:00:29,229 --> 00:00:30,695
I'll teach you a bunch.

12
00:00:30,730 --> 00:00:33,397
See Mommy? All sad and broken.

13
00:00:33,499 --> 00:00:36,401
That will never be you, understand?

14
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,403
Go on, say it out loud. Say it.

15
00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,381
That will never be me.

16
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:42,407
You're gonna be fierce and independent,

17
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:44,242
and you will never rely on any boy.

18
00:00:44,327 --> 00:00:45,660
Or girl.

19
00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:47,164
Your haircut makes things confusing.

20
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:48,461
- Got it.
- Now,

21
00:00:48,485 --> 00:00:50,180
let's go smash something your daddy loves.

22
00:00:50,417 --> 00:00:53,418
Even though Alice's parents
were never there for her,

23
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:55,253
I always was.

24
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,921
I'm glad your mom bailed again

25
00:00:57,007 --> 00:00:58,640
'cause that means we can
take the bus downtown

26
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,008
to get our noses pierced.

27
00:01:00,093 --> 00:01:01,926
Well, your nose. I don't have one.

28
00:01:01,978 --> 00:01:03,311
Didn't skimp on the butt, though.

29
00:01:03,396 --> 00:01:04,679
Thanks for that.

30
00:01:04,764 --> 00:01:06,564
Yep, I was turning that shy little girl

31
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:08,099
into a kick-ass woman,

32
00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:10,568
which meant, over time,
she needed me less and less.

33
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,186
It's happening. Our first time.

34
00:01:12,272 --> 00:01:13,438
Hey, don't be so boring!

35
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,023
Flip the script and get on top!

36
00:01:15,108 --> 00:01:16,107
What the?

37
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:17,992
No! No, no, no! 10 more minutes!

38
00:01:18,078 --> 00:01:19,744
No! No, no! You still need me!

39
00:01:19,779 --> 00:01:22,363
At least let me get a peek
at his diiii...

40
00:01:25,785 --> 00:01:27,952
Turns out, I had no reason to worry.

41
00:01:28,004 --> 00:01:30,697
Thanks to me, Alice now
owns her own business,

42
00:01:30,774 --> 00:01:32,857
travels the world,
and is single like a fox.

43
00:01:32,943 --> 00:01:35,527
That is, until this guy
came in for a meeting.

44
00:01:35,579 --> 00:01:37,946
And in 2015, I won
a National Magazine Award

45
00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,532
- for my...
- Online dating profile.

46
00:01:40,584 --> 00:01:42,116
- Kudos.
- Wha...

47
00:01:42,202 --> 00:01:43,868
Clicking out. Um...

48
00:01:43,954 --> 00:01:45,837
"DivorcedRadDad"? Really?

49
00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:47,088
That'sour user ID?

50
00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:49,374
And we're frozen.

51
00:01:49,426 --> 00:01:51,009
And pulling out the cord.

52
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:54,379
- And... plenty of battery left.
- And we're done.

53
00:01:55,465 --> 00:01:56,908
- We'll be in touch.
- Will you, though?

54
00:01:56,999 --> 00:01:57,998
No.

55
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,350
Know what?

56
00:01:59,386 --> 00:02:02,103
Since this is the worst
interview in history,

57
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,022
can we just go for broke?

58
00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:06,357
My dating profile's a mess.

59
00:02:06,393 --> 00:02:08,359
You're a PR guru. Can you fix this?

60
00:02:08,395 --> 00:02:11,980
Since it's everything
a woman isn't looking for,

61
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:13,731
let's dig in.

62
00:02:13,817 --> 00:02:16,401
First, please, lose the Crocs
and the braided belt.

63
00:02:16,486 --> 00:02:17,819
That's casual Ben. I'm casual.

64
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,070
You're cute. Push the cute.

65
00:02:19,155 --> 00:02:21,406
No Crocs, thinks I'm cute. Got it.

66
00:02:21,491 --> 00:02:24,659
Hey, what do you say we continue
this work sesh over dinner?

67
00:02:24,744 --> 00:02:27,078
You do know I was out the moment
I saw you had a kid, right?

68
00:02:27,163 --> 00:02:28,796
Then you're really out
'cause I have frickin' three,

69
00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:31,216
so let's just keep it professional.

70
00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:34,302
If all goes well, you're
gonna help me fall in love.

71
00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:36,137
Sure, there was something very charming

72
00:02:36,223 --> 00:02:39,424
about DivorcedRadDad's
complete lack of game.

73
00:02:39,476 --> 00:02:42,143
But my girl knew how
to hit it and quit it.

74
00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:45,096
I gave it three days.

75
00:02:45,148 --> 00:02:46,347
I was wrong.

76
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:50,435
Dad? Pick up. It's an emergency.

77
00:02:51,655 --> 00:02:53,104
Andy? What's up?

78
00:02:53,156 --> 00:02:55,323
There is a poll on our
class Facebook page,

79
00:02:55,408 --> 00:02:58,576
"Most likely to grow up and be
an accountant." I am leading.

80
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:01,112
- And it's a friggin' landslide!
- I voted three times.

81
00:03:01,197 --> 00:03:03,164
Daddy, I lost a tooth at Grandma's!

82
00:03:03,250 --> 00:03:05,416
Okay, guys, none of this
is an emergency.

83
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:07,869
But I didn't get any money
under my pillow,

84
00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:10,288
which means the tooth fairy is dead.

85
00:03:10,340 --> 00:03:12,006
Or she's just a very busy fairy.

86
00:03:12,092 --> 00:03:13,207
Okay, when are you gonna be here?

87
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:14,292
Five seconds.

88
00:03:21,468 --> 00:03:23,268
- Put your pants on!
- What's happening?

89
00:03:23,303 --> 00:03:24,302
- My kids are home.
- Who?

90
00:03:24,387 --> 00:03:25,687
- My children.
- Oh!

91
00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:27,388
Pants. Pants. Whoa!

92
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,274
- Pants.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

93
00:03:31,861 --> 00:03:32,894
Okay.

94
00:03:35,031 --> 00:03:36,147
Okay.

95
00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:40,535
- Yeah, we're on the second floor.
- Babe, you can do this.

96
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:42,120
You hang down, stick the landing.

97
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,656
We're really geed a new system
to avoid your kids.

98
00:03:44,708 --> 00:03:46,240
Yeah. Or you meet 'em.

99
00:03:50,297 --> 00:03:52,163
At worst, I'd break an ankle.

100
00:03:52,215 --> 00:03:54,248
Okay, listen, the truth is
I want you to meet them.

101
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:55,667
I want us to take the next step

102
00:03:55,719 --> 00:03:58,670
'cause you are absolutely
amazing, and I love you.

103
00:03:58,722 --> 00:04:01,005
You got a halfy.

104
00:04:01,057 --> 00:04:02,724
The emotional stuff
gets me excited sometimes.

105
00:04:02,809 --> 00:04:04,809
Oh, God, you're cute.

106
00:04:04,844 --> 00:04:06,511
- Let's go for it!
- Shut up.

107
00:04:06,563 --> 00:04:08,012
- Huh? What?
- Really?

108
00:04:08,098 --> 00:04:09,397
I mean, obviously,
I have to talk to the kids,

109
00:04:09,482 --> 00:04:12,600
- make sure that they're down with it.
- Exactly, because they may not be,

110
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,519
even though I totally and completely am.

111
00:04:14,571 --> 00:04:15,687
- Dad?
- We're home!

112
00:04:15,739 --> 00:04:18,072
Why do we bury people?

113
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,574
I'm out. Let me know how it goes.

114
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:21,740
Just like that,

115
00:04:21,826 --> 00:04:24,028
everything I taught her
literally flew out the window.

116
00:04:24,114 --> 00:04:26,114
Meeting his kids
can only lead to heartbreak.

117
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,977
- Yeah!
- And I cannot let that happen.

118
00:04:28,078 --> 00:04:29,584
- Nailed it.
- Stuck it!

119
00:04:29,669 --> 00:04:32,036
Lucky for Alice, help is on the way.

120
00:04:32,122 --> 00:04:35,089
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com

121
00:04:35,175 --> 00:04:37,458
Gather up. Family pow wow time.

122
00:04:37,544 --> 00:04:39,430
- I've got a big...
- I had the worst day.

123
00:04:39,508 --> 00:04:41,346
I need attention now!

124
00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:42,797
Okay, where is this
on the urgency scale, pal?

125
00:04:42,882 --> 00:04:44,599
Anything below a seven,
you handle on your own.

126
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,384
This accountant thing? It's sticking.

127
00:04:46,436 --> 00:04:47,885
Okay, that's a hard four, tops.

128
00:04:47,937 --> 00:04:49,520
Kids, the scale only works

129
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:51,356
- when we're honest with the numbers.
- All day,

130
00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:52,557
it was, "There goes the accountant!"

131
00:04:52,609 --> 00:04:53,725
and "Do my taxes, Holmes!"

132
00:04:53,777 --> 00:04:55,143
See, this is your whole problem.

133
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:57,028
Y-You need to be more like
my boyfriend...

134
00:04:57,063 --> 00:04:59,814
complicated, powerful, a rogue Jedi.

135
00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:02,066
- Kylo Ren is not your boyfriend.
- Yet.

136
00:05:02,118 --> 00:05:04,152
Guys? Guys? Guys!

137
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,903
I'm dating a lady!

138
00:05:08,074 --> 00:05:10,124
Her name is Alice,

139
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:12,076
and I'd love for you to meet her.

140
00:05:13,413 --> 00:05:16,748
Okay, I can tell this is a lot, right?

141
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,717
But... you're really gonna like her.

142
00:05:19,753 --> 00:05:21,586
She's a PR rep for sports stars,

143
00:05:21,671 --> 00:05:25,890
and she's cool and funny and sexy.

144
00:05:25,925 --> 00:05:27,725
Which is not something
you tell your children.

145
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,894
The point is, your dad is
kind of nervous, okay?

146
00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:31,145
Does she have kids?

147
00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,730
No. That's just it, Peanut.

148
00:05:32,766 --> 00:05:34,265
She hasn't had all her
coolness drained out of her

149
00:05:34,317 --> 00:05:35,817
the way you guys have done to me.

150
00:05:35,902 --> 00:05:37,101
Boop!

151
00:05:37,187 --> 00:05:38,853
Uh, sorry, let me get this straight.

152
00:05:38,938 --> 00:05:41,272
You're dating a woman whose whole job

153
00:05:41,324 --> 00:05:43,107
is to make someone look better
than they actually are?

154
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:45,576
Oh, this is perfect for me.

155
00:05:45,612 --> 00:05:48,780
You can tell Alice...
no, tell A-dogg... I'm in.

156
00:05:48,865 --> 00:05:51,115
Kind of weird to already give her
a nickname, but that's a yes.

157
00:05:51,201 --> 00:05:52,617
- Who else?
- Fine.

158
00:05:52,702 --> 00:05:54,786
Not said with a lot of
enthusiasm, but still a yes.

159
00:05:54,838 --> 00:05:56,454
This is happening!

160
00:05:56,506 --> 00:05:59,123
- So this is happening.
- Totally happening.

161
00:05:59,209 --> 00:06:00,958
Okay, let's do a rundown on the kids.

162
00:06:01,044 --> 00:06:04,629
First, Andy... he's the oldest.
He is very excited to meet you

163
00:06:04,681 --> 00:06:07,048
and will come on too strong,
so we need some kind of a signal

164
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:08,716
- in case he, like, corners you.
- Corners me?

165
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,968
As for Dora, she's
the classic middle child,

166
00:06:11,054 --> 00:06:12,470
Also, a big-time fangirl,

167
00:06:12,522 --> 00:06:14,605
so don't fake your way
through a Harry Potter convo.

168
00:06:14,641 --> 00:06:16,023
You will lose.

169
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,725
Then there's Bunny... the little one.

170
00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,894
Likes to ask a lot of philosophical
questions about death.

171
00:06:19,979 --> 00:06:21,646
Do not engage.

172
00:06:21,731 --> 00:06:23,364
Table-side guac coming your way, seņor.

173
00:06:23,450 --> 00:06:25,283
iHola! Don't go loco on me, girl.

174
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:26,818
Mary's back to help.

175
00:06:26,870 --> 00:06:29,403
What the... Holy...

176
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,656
I know, how cool is this, right?
They make it right at the table.

177
00:06:31,708 --> 00:06:34,325
Kids? Huge step.
You're spinning out bad.

178
00:06:34,410 --> 00:06:35,660
That's why you dug me out of your brain.

179
00:06:35,745 --> 00:06:37,462
But don't worry.
We'll handle it together!

180
00:06:37,497 --> 00:06:38,963
This isn't happening.

181
00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:41,332
- It's just an appetizer. Are you okay?
- He's onto you.

182
00:06:41,384 --> 00:06:43,301
Pick up your phone like
you have a work emergency!

183
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,169
Work emergency.

184
00:06:45,221 --> 00:06:48,589
Some... public-relations
guys need my help

185
00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:49,924
with some PR stuff.

186
00:06:50,009 --> 00:06:51,142
I got to go.

187
00:06:51,177 --> 00:06:52,677
Love you. Bye.

188
00:06:52,762 --> 00:06:54,145
Hasta luego, beardy.

189
00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:55,346
Wait. You're running from me?

190
00:06:55,398 --> 00:06:57,148
Okay, now you're just being rude.

191
00:06:57,183 --> 00:06:59,684
No hug. No kiss.
This is not how I raised you.

192
00:06:59,769 --> 00:07:01,185
You're just in my head.

193
00:07:01,271 --> 00:07:02,353
Go away.

194
00:07:02,438 --> 00:07:03,938
Slow down! I can't keep up!

195
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:05,523
Do not make me gorilla this.

196
00:07:05,575 --> 00:07:07,608
Why'd you have to give me
these damn stumpy legs?

197
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:09,744
I cannot hear things that don't exist.

198
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:10,995
? La la la la la la la ?

199
00:07:15,869 --> 00:07:18,669
You are real.

200
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:20,505
Technically, imaginary,

201
00:07:20,540 --> 00:07:23,174
but to you, I'm real as hell
and here to stay.

202
00:07:23,209 --> 00:07:24,592
Look at us.

203
00:07:24,677 --> 00:07:26,027
The besties are back.

204
00:07:29,516 --> 00:07:31,432
My bestie is back.

205
00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:35,386
Oh, my God. You're back.

206
00:07:35,471 --> 00:07:37,188
Which brings me to why I am here.

207
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:38,389
Ben.

208
00:07:38,441 --> 00:07:40,191
He is so cute and kind,

209
00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,810
- and you have to run.
- What? Why?

210
00:07:42,896 --> 00:07:44,729
Look, Ben is a dad.

211
00:07:44,814 --> 00:07:48,616
That means, if you're with him
you're a mom.

212
00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:50,735
And before you know it,
you're gonna be at a wedding,

213
00:07:50,820 --> 00:07:52,236
and the "Macarena" is gonna blast,

214
00:07:52,322 --> 00:07:55,573
and you're gonna mom-dance,
just like this.

215
00:07:55,625 --> 00:07:57,325
? I am a mom, and I do the Macarena ?

216
00:07:57,410 --> 00:07:58,576
? Where is my minivan? ?

217
00:07:58,628 --> 00:07:59,744
? Oh, I'll find it later ?

218
00:07:59,796 --> 00:08:01,579
Okay, I will never dance like that,

219
00:08:01,664 --> 00:08:02,914
but I am freaking out.

220
00:08:02,999 --> 00:08:05,049
Let's get down and dirty. Go.

221
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:08,085
It's, like, I don't know how to mom.

222
00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:09,587
Don't know if I want to mom.

223
00:08:09,672 --> 00:08:11,589
Don't know if a real mom
would use "mom" as a verb.

224
00:08:11,674 --> 00:08:13,975
We're in agreement. You know nothing.

225
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:16,561
But I really love this guy.
I don't want to lose him.

226
00:08:16,596 --> 00:08:18,763
Okay, my Mary advice...

227
00:08:18,815 --> 00:08:21,399
you meet the kids, just not right now.

228
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,483
Listening.

229
00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:24,352
Take two, three months to study up

230
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:25,770
on these "children people."

231
00:08:25,822 --> 00:08:27,021
Learn all about them.

232
00:08:27,106 --> 00:08:28,990
Could take a year, maybe more.

233
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:31,275
And the longer I put off
meeting Ben's kids,

234
00:08:31,361 --> 00:08:34,278
the more I'm protecting
our relationship.

235
00:08:34,330 --> 00:08:35,663
Exactly.

236
00:08:35,748 --> 00:08:38,282
You're blowing him off
'cause you care so damn much!

237
00:08:38,368 --> 00:08:40,534
See? This is why you're here.

238
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:43,004
Lucky for you, I got a plan.

239
00:08:43,089 --> 00:08:44,171
Ta-da.

240
00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,423
Adele tickets?

241
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,707
That must've cost a fortune.

242
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,209
Hottest ticket in town.

243
00:08:48,294 --> 00:08:50,344
Great way to meet your kids, right?

244
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:53,014
Um, the concert's six months from now.

245
00:08:53,099 --> 00:08:54,548
But worth the wait.

246
00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:55,766
Look at the row number.

247
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:56,767
One.

248
00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:58,552
Look, I get it.

249
00:08:58,638 --> 00:08:59,971
You're meeting my kids.

250
00:09:00,056 --> 00:09:02,306
It's scary, especially for you.

251
00:09:02,392 --> 00:09:03,391
He's onto us!

252
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,809
Kick him in the nuts and run!

253
00:09:06,062 --> 00:09:08,029
Me? Scared of kids?

254
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:11,032
I don't even hide when people
bring them in here anymore.

255
00:09:11,117 --> 00:09:12,984
I mean, I close my door,
but that's just because

256
00:09:13,069 --> 00:09:14,652
I have a bowl of candy,
and it's kind of like...

257
00:09:14,737 --> 00:09:16,037
it's my candy.

258
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:17,738
All that matters is I love you,

259
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,040
and we're in this together.

260
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,377
I'm scared, and the tickets
were a stall.

261
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:24,912
Traitor!

262
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,331
And look, if you want to wait,
we can wait.

263
00:09:27,417 --> 00:09:28,833
Promise.

264
00:09:28,885 --> 00:09:30,968
I will love you no matter what.

265
00:09:31,004 --> 00:09:33,004
Unh-unh. Unh-unh.

266
00:09:33,089 --> 00:09:35,172
Unh-unh. Mnh-mnh.

267
00:09:35,224 --> 00:09:37,308
And... we're done. Thank you.

268
00:09:37,343 --> 00:09:38,809
That was disgusting.

269
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:40,144
You know what?
You already talked to the kids.

270
00:09:40,179 --> 00:09:42,013
- Let's do this.
- Thank God.

271
00:09:42,065 --> 00:09:43,481
Canceling would've been hard to explain.

272
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,816
They are super suspicious
and awful with change.

273
00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:47,351
- They sound great.
- So...

274
00:09:47,403 --> 00:09:48,853
what should we do?

275
00:09:48,938 --> 00:09:51,989
- Disney World.
- We could fly to Disney World.

276
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,157
It's a big swing...

277
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:54,909
more of a huge vacation
than a first meet.

278
00:09:54,994 --> 00:09:55,993
- Gun range.
- Gun range!

279
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:57,278
- Gotcha.
- What?

280
00:09:57,363 --> 00:10:01,032
...is something a crazy
person would suggest.

281
00:10:01,084 --> 00:10:03,367
I meant to say... burgers?

282
00:10:03,419 --> 00:10:05,036
Perfect. And maybe some mini-golf?

283
00:10:05,088 --> 00:10:06,663
- Sounds fun.
- Sounds awful.

284
00:10:06,749 --> 00:10:08,622
- All right, I got to run.
- Okay.

285
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,174
We will swing by your place around 6:00,

286
00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:11,625
grab some chow, then hit the links.

287
00:10:11,711 --> 00:10:13,544
Wait. My place?

288
00:10:14,847 --> 00:10:15,880
What just happened?

289
00:10:15,965 --> 00:10:17,515
This... mom dance.

290
00:10:23,189 --> 00:10:24,983
? Hey, Macarena ?

291
00:10:26,273 --> 00:10:28,686
It's okay. No need to panic.

292
00:10:28,781 --> 00:10:30,064
I deal with pro athletes.

293
00:10:30,149 --> 00:10:31,565
They're huge babies.

294
00:10:31,651 --> 00:10:33,212
A few kids? I've got this.

295
00:10:33,306 --> 00:10:36,306
- You so got this!
- Okay, I do not. I am panicking.

296
00:10:36,409 --> 00:10:37,992
Come on. Do what you do. Coddle me.

297
00:10:38,078 --> 00:10:39,744
Make me feel good. Give me advice. Go.

298
00:10:40,897 --> 00:10:42,030
Kids like ice cream.

299
00:10:42,115 --> 00:10:44,492
Sorry. That's all I got.

300
00:10:44,651 --> 00:10:46,273
- Hi.
- Hi.

301
00:10:47,370 --> 00:10:48,820
Oh.

302
00:10:48,872 --> 00:10:50,455
Okay.

303
00:10:52,325 --> 00:10:54,425
So, uh, guys, this is Alice.

304
00:10:54,494 --> 00:10:55,710
This is Dora and Bunny.

305
00:10:55,795 --> 00:10:57,245
Nice to meet you.

306
00:10:57,330 --> 00:10:59,998
Damn! Sweet pad you got here.

307
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:01,549
How much you lay down?
Like, two, three hundo?

308
00:11:01,634 --> 00:11:03,384
Let's hang. I'm Andy.

309
00:11:03,470 --> 00:11:05,420
- That's my son.
- Mm-hmm.

310
00:11:09,259 --> 00:11:10,508
Go.

311
00:11:12,929 --> 00:11:14,395
Hey, need some advice.

312
00:11:14,481 --> 00:11:16,814
So, there is this guy in my
class that sells pot brownies.

313
00:11:16,850 --> 00:11:18,099
Do you think being a spaced-out burner

314
00:11:18,184 --> 00:11:19,484
would change public perception of me?

315
00:11:19,519 --> 00:11:21,686
And keep in mind,
I am struggling socially.

316
00:11:23,063 --> 00:11:27,185
- I'm gonna say don't do drugs.
- Copy that. Okay.

317
00:11:27,310 --> 00:11:29,227
- Personal question.
- What was the last one?

318
00:11:29,312 --> 00:11:32,447
On my computer, I have this
folder marked "math homework,"

319
00:11:32,482 --> 00:11:34,482
but it's just boobs.

320
00:11:34,534 --> 00:11:37,151
- Where is your dad?
- Now, give me the honest,

321
00:11:37,203 --> 00:11:39,821
objective, female perspective.
Am I normal?

322
00:11:39,906 --> 00:11:41,322
Yes.

323
00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:45,043
Knew it!

324
00:11:45,128 --> 00:11:47,495
Man, it feels so good
to rap with someone who gets me.

325
00:11:47,547 --> 00:11:50,164
Now, about my folder marked "Spanish"...

326
00:11:50,250 --> 00:11:51,833
- All right.
- Oh, thank God.

327
00:11:51,885 --> 00:11:53,251
It's getting late.
We should probably order dinner,

328
00:11:53,336 --> 00:11:55,336
and also not serve ice cream.

329
00:11:55,422 --> 00:11:57,338
We'll sidebar on this later, A-dogg.

330
00:11:57,424 --> 00:11:59,307
"A-dogg."

331
00:11:59,342 --> 00:12:02,643
- Nicknames. That's kind of fast.
- Just roll with it. He's the easy sale.

332
00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:04,262
No, he's great. He's fine.

333
00:12:04,347 --> 00:12:05,763
He's very open, he bangs things.

334
00:12:05,849 --> 00:12:08,766
Girls are my specialty
because I was a girl.

335
00:12:08,852 --> 00:12:10,818
I am a girl. Like, I should
probably just, like, focus on them.

336
00:12:10,854 --> 00:12:12,353
I'd tread carefully.

337
00:12:12,405 --> 00:12:14,906
Bunny's going through
a death phase, and Dora...

338
00:12:14,991 --> 00:12:17,742
I know I shouldn't say this,
couldn't love her more,

339
00:12:17,827 --> 00:12:19,861
but if I had to rank them,
she would be like...

340
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:22,030
- Hey, Dad.
- ...right here!

341
00:12:22,082 --> 00:12:24,248
Hey, Dora. I had an idea.

342
00:12:24,334 --> 00:12:26,117
I was thinking maybe
next weekend, you and I...

343
00:12:26,202 --> 00:12:27,702
Oh, I'm gonna stop you right there.

344
00:12:27,754 --> 00:12:30,538
I don't do manis, pedis,
shopping, or Gosling movies.

345
00:12:30,623 --> 00:12:33,374
Oh, um, also,
Andy just ruined your fancy rug.

346
00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:34,876
He makes me smile.

347
00:12:38,431 --> 00:12:40,882
Oh, my... what the hell, Andy?

348
00:12:40,967 --> 00:12:42,016
Little spill.

349
00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,217
Where's your shirt, dude?

350
00:12:43,269 --> 00:12:45,103
I panicked and used it as a rag,

351
00:12:45,188 --> 00:12:47,193
and no one look at my middle.
I am working on it.

352
00:12:47,295 --> 00:12:48,523
Daddy, look!

353
00:12:48,558 --> 00:12:50,608
I'm Elvis right before he died
on the toilet.

354
00:12:50,693 --> 00:12:52,393
Oh, careful. That's a vintage Les Paul.

355
00:12:52,445 --> 00:12:53,694
What does this thing do?

356
00:12:55,482 --> 00:12:56,781
Oh, good.

357
00:12:56,866 --> 00:12:58,566
That is way worse than what I did.

358
00:12:58,618 --> 00:12:59,817
Please don't hate me.

359
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,236
- No.
- She paused.

360
00:13:02,288 --> 00:13:03,621
- She hates me.
- Oh!

361
00:13:03,706 --> 00:13:05,239
Oh, God.

362
00:13:05,291 --> 00:13:07,208
Someone just tweeted the Facebook poll.

363
00:13:07,210 --> 00:13:09,293
They're calling me "Blandy."

364
00:13:09,379 --> 00:13:12,914
It's a combination of my name
and the word bland.

365
00:13:12,966 --> 00:13:14,082
Blandy.

366
00:13:14,134 --> 00:13:17,418
Why do my peers always
come up with insults

367
00:13:17,504 --> 00:13:20,638
that are so clever and smart?

368
00:13:20,723 --> 00:13:21,756
Why?

369
00:13:21,808 --> 00:13:23,758
Bud, I know this whole thing
sucks right...

370
00:13:23,810 --> 00:13:25,393
Okay, that's a lady's jacket.

371
00:13:25,428 --> 00:13:28,062
Ugh! Alice, I need you.

372
00:13:28,098 --> 00:13:30,181
Did he just ask for me?

373
00:13:30,266 --> 00:13:32,683
Mm-hmm. He's really taken to you.

374
00:13:34,070 --> 00:13:35,436
You okay?

375
00:13:36,906 --> 00:13:39,574
I'm just so tired of everyone
looking at me like a nobody.

376
00:13:39,609 --> 00:13:41,275
If you don't like how people see you,

377
00:13:41,361 --> 00:13:43,411
just make them see something else.

378
00:13:43,446 --> 00:13:44,495
What do you mean?

379
00:13:44,581 --> 00:13:46,080
She means change everything.

380
00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:47,415
Reinvent yourself a little.

381
00:13:47,450 --> 00:13:48,783
Extensive plastic surgery.

382
00:13:48,835 --> 00:13:49,917
Get a new hairstyle.

383
00:13:49,953 --> 00:13:52,086
Be anyone but you.

384
00:13:52,122 --> 00:13:53,671
Maybe run for class office.

385
00:13:53,756 --> 00:13:55,790
So, start over as a person?
That's your advice?

386
00:13:55,875 --> 00:13:57,625
See? He gets it.

387
00:13:57,677 --> 00:13:58,960
- We're good.
- No.

388
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:01,546
You are having a PR crisis.

389
00:14:01,631 --> 00:14:03,764
- Give me your phone.
- Uh, no, I don't...

390
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,716
Trust me. This is my business.

391
00:14:05,802 --> 00:14:08,436
All you got to do is...

392
00:14:08,471 --> 00:14:11,305
Boom. And problem solved.

393
00:14:12,358 --> 00:14:14,308
Someone just retweeted me.

394
00:14:15,528 --> 00:14:17,445
And again. What did you say?

395
00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,363
"Blandy in the house, y'all."

396
00:14:19,449 --> 00:14:21,065
Wait. What?

397
00:14:21,151 --> 00:14:22,700
"Making life bland as balls.

398
00:14:22,785 --> 00:14:26,287
#BlandyAsBalls! #Blessed!"

399
00:14:26,322 --> 00:14:28,656
Oh, no, no, no, no.
W-Why would I say this about me?

400
00:14:28,708 --> 00:14:30,741
'Cause you're taking
the power away from them.

401
00:14:30,827 --> 00:14:32,660
Oh, they are tweeting me back so fast.

402
00:14:32,745 --> 00:14:33,794
And mean!

403
00:14:33,830 --> 00:14:35,663
Oh, my God! Okay, we can handle this.

404
00:14:35,748 --> 00:14:37,498
Oh, my God. They're awful.

405
00:14:37,584 --> 00:14:39,834
Okay. We'll just say that
your phone was hacked,

406
00:14:39,886 --> 00:14:42,670
and then we'll check you into
the hospital for exhaustion.

407
00:14:42,755 --> 00:14:44,889
Wha... I'm not Lamar Odom!

408
00:14:44,974 --> 00:14:46,174
I am a boy!

409
00:14:46,226 --> 00:14:47,592
Not in that jacket you ain't.

410
00:14:47,677 --> 00:14:50,811
You just ruined my life in one minute.
Thanks a lot!

411
00:14:52,619 --> 00:14:54,169
Okay.

412
00:14:54,317 --> 00:14:56,984
The way I see it,
these are garbage children.

413
00:14:57,020 --> 00:14:59,362
- It's not them, it's me.
- What happened?

414
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,572
Want to know what just happened?
I just broke Andy.

415
00:15:01,658 --> 00:15:04,025
I broke your child. I broke him good.

416
00:15:04,077 --> 00:15:06,360
And he was the only one
who even gave me a chance!

417
00:15:06,412 --> 00:15:07,528
Bunny turned on me for no reason.

418
00:15:07,580 --> 00:15:10,281
It's perfectly natural to pause

419
00:15:10,366 --> 00:15:12,200
when somebody destroys
your favorite thing.

420
00:15:12,252 --> 00:15:14,374
And Dora? She's a nerd, dude.

421
00:15:14,460 --> 00:15:16,921
And I like nerds, but she's a mean nerd.

422
00:15:17,006 --> 00:15:19,687
Whoa. Time out. Okay.
You can't rip on my kids.

423
00:15:19,781 --> 00:15:22,460
- Only I can do that.
- I can't do this.

424
00:15:22,545 --> 00:15:24,595
I thought that I could, and I can't.

425
00:15:24,681 --> 00:15:26,130
The way Andy just looked at me?

426
00:15:26,216 --> 00:15:29,383
I won't do to your kids
what my parents did to me.

427
00:15:29,435 --> 00:15:31,602
Alice, what are you...
You're not your parents.

428
00:15:31,688 --> 00:15:33,854
I am.

429
00:15:33,890 --> 00:15:35,439
I'm sorry.

430
00:15:35,525 --> 00:15:36,724
W-What? Y-You want us to go?

431
00:15:36,776 --> 00:15:38,192
Is that what you want?

432
00:15:40,647 --> 00:15:42,647
Okay.

433
00:15:46,986 --> 00:15:48,202
I need a drink.

434
00:15:48,238 --> 00:15:49,737
Alice, I know you're upset,

435
00:15:49,789 --> 00:15:52,073
but a drink won't fix anything.

436
00:15:52,158 --> 00:15:53,708
Now, 10 drinks...

437
00:15:53,743 --> 00:15:55,409
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

438
00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:58,246
? Hands up in the air ?

439
00:15:58,331 --> 00:15:59,914
And another!

440
00:15:59,999 --> 00:16:01,082
How's my twerk?

441
00:16:01,167 --> 00:16:03,167
Look at me. Alice, look at me!

442
00:16:03,253 --> 00:16:05,219
Yeah, it's good! How's mine?

443
00:16:05,255 --> 00:16:07,338
And another! Do it!

444
00:16:07,423 --> 00:16:10,424
? Don't go breaking my heart ?

445
00:16:10,510 --> 00:16:13,010
? I couldn't if I tried ?

446
00:16:14,897 --> 00:16:17,982
? Oh, honey, if I get restless ?

447
00:16:23,823 --> 00:16:25,273
? Don't go breaking my heart ?

448
00:16:25,358 --> 00:16:27,491
Off the stage, lady!

449
00:16:27,577 --> 00:16:29,110
- ? Say you got to give it to 'em ?
- Whoo!

450
00:16:29,195 --> 00:16:30,611
- ? Get a little rude, bring it in hot ?
- Whoo! Whoo-hoo!

451
00:16:37,620 --> 00:16:38,869
Whoo!

452
00:16:38,955 --> 00:16:40,421
Uh-oh. Uh-oh!

453
00:16:40,456 --> 00:16:42,840
Keep it in your mouth like a lady!

454
00:16:42,925 --> 00:16:45,165
That's my girl! Whoo!

455
00:16:45,274 --> 00:16:46,243
Uh-oh.

456
00:16:46,805 --> 00:16:49,805
I'm gonna need a taco,
and a queso chango,

457
00:16:49,892 --> 00:16:51,655
and an enchiloco!

458
00:16:51,741 --> 00:16:54,936
Oh, my God, I love street enchilocos!

459
00:16:55,045 --> 00:16:56,494
Hey!

460
00:16:56,579 --> 00:16:58,222
I'm walkin' here!

461
00:16:58,308 --> 00:17:00,620
Yeah, she's walking here!

462
00:17:02,502 --> 00:17:06,578
We are living so hard right now!

463
00:17:09,442 --> 00:17:12,805
Never drinking again.

464
00:17:12,946 --> 00:17:15,329
Not even a nice glass of Chardonnay?

465
00:17:15,415 --> 00:17:17,698
'Cause sometimes a lady
has to let off steam.

466
00:17:17,784 --> 00:17:20,451
What the... why are you spooning me?

467
00:17:20,503 --> 00:17:22,003
I like snuggles, chica.

468
00:17:22,088 --> 00:17:24,005
Why you got to make this weird now?

469
00:17:24,090 --> 00:17:26,924
Ohh. What happened last night?

470
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:29,043
Well, let's see, there was
drinking and dancing

471
00:17:29,128 --> 00:17:31,963
and singing, and driving
Ben away and the bull!

472
00:17:32,015 --> 00:17:33,130
You rode a bull!

473
00:17:33,216 --> 00:17:36,050
Oh, no. Ben.

474
00:17:36,135 --> 00:17:38,302
I ruined everything. Ohh.

475
00:17:38,388 --> 00:17:40,104
But isn't that why I'm here?

476
00:17:40,139 --> 00:17:41,939
'Cause deep down,
you knew this couldn't work?

477
00:17:41,975 --> 00:17:43,357
He had to go, right?

478
00:17:43,443 --> 00:17:45,610
No, I think deep down, I'm just scared.

479
00:17:45,645 --> 00:17:47,645
No, no, no, no, p-please don't cry.

480
00:17:47,730 --> 00:17:49,230
Please? We can fix this!

481
00:17:49,315 --> 00:17:50,982
How? How do we fix this?

482
00:17:51,034 --> 00:17:52,900
I got it! Go to him.

483
00:17:52,986 --> 00:17:54,402
Go to him.

484
00:17:54,487 --> 00:17:57,321
Yes, that's what people do
in situations like this!

485
00:17:57,373 --> 00:17:58,456
And you apologize.

486
00:17:58,491 --> 00:17:59,991
And beg for forgiveness.

487
00:18:00,043 --> 00:18:02,243
And kiss him long and hard,
and let me watch.

488
00:18:02,328 --> 00:18:03,377
Let's move.

489
00:18:03,463 --> 00:18:04,912
Shoe. I only have one shoe.

490
00:18:04,998 --> 00:18:06,213
Shoe. Shoe.

491
00:18:06,299 --> 00:18:07,476
Here, shooey, shooey, shooey.

492
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:09,601
- Hello?
- What...

493
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,787
- You're here?
- He's here?

494
00:18:12,839 --> 00:18:14,372
I wanted to make sure you got home okay.

495
00:18:14,457 --> 00:18:17,258
You pocket dialed me and left
a three-hour voice mail.

496
00:18:17,293 --> 00:18:19,293
Really tore up the town
after you ditched us, huh?

497
00:18:19,345 --> 00:18:20,511
We can explain.

498
00:18:20,597 --> 00:18:22,797
When Alice was 6 years ol...

499
00:18:22,882 --> 00:18:24,765
Alice, you cut and run last night.

500
00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:27,101
That's something I
can't have, not for me,

501
00:18:27,136 --> 00:18:29,103
and especially not for my kids,
you understand?

502
00:18:29,138 --> 00:18:32,139
I get it.

503
00:18:32,225 --> 00:18:35,855
I blew it. It's over.

504
00:18:35,979 --> 00:18:39,113
What? Over? No.

505
00:18:39,282 --> 00:18:40,648
This is a fight.

506
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:41,949
We're having a fight.

507
00:18:41,985 --> 00:18:43,534
So it's not over?

508
00:18:43,620 --> 00:18:45,036
Oh, my God, you have no idea

509
00:18:45,121 --> 00:18:46,153
what you're doing at all, do you?

510
00:18:46,239 --> 00:18:47,822
I really don't.

511
00:18:50,543 --> 00:18:52,159
Look, I know I messed up last night,

512
00:18:52,245 --> 00:18:53,794
but there's this voice in my head,

513
00:18:53,830 --> 00:18:56,163
and it really got to me.

514
00:18:56,215 --> 00:18:58,249
- I know the voice, Al.
- Eh.

515
00:18:58,334 --> 00:19:00,501
The fear, the doubt.

516
00:19:00,587 --> 00:19:01,752
I have it, too. Everyone does.

517
00:19:01,838 --> 00:19:05,306
This one's really, really loud.

518
00:19:05,341 --> 00:19:07,258
Well, there's another voice now...

519
00:19:07,343 --> 00:19:08,726
mine...

520
00:19:08,811 --> 00:19:12,313
and it is telling you
that we can make this work.

521
00:19:14,517 --> 00:19:16,851
You're way too good for me.

522
00:19:19,856 --> 00:19:21,656
Okay, looks like we're back on track,

523
00:19:21,691 --> 00:19:24,609
so I'll just give you two your privacy.

524
00:19:24,694 --> 00:19:27,361
Pretending to walk away...

525
00:19:27,413 --> 00:19:29,280
and show time.

526
00:19:31,584 --> 00:19:35,036
Well, it's coarse to the touch

527
00:19:35,121 --> 00:19:37,171
and doesn't match anything,
but it won't stain

528
00:19:37,206 --> 00:19:39,256
'cause it's made with chemicals.

529
00:19:39,342 --> 00:19:42,209
Um, I wrote a note for you.

530
00:19:44,597 --> 00:19:47,431
"Sorry I hurt your guitar.

531
00:19:47,517 --> 00:19:49,100
Love, Bunny."

532
00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:53,854
Bunny, there's no reason
for you to be sorry.

533
00:19:53,890 --> 00:19:56,140
I know it was an accident.

534
00:20:10,573 --> 00:20:11,983
You misspelled some of the words

535
00:20:12,008 --> 00:20:13,124
to look extra cute, didn't you?

536
00:20:15,211 --> 00:20:17,795
Lot of bonding over here if either
of you guys want to get in on this.

537
00:20:17,880 --> 00:20:18,891
- I'll pass.
- I'm good.

538
00:20:18,915 --> 00:20:20,305
Okay.

539
00:20:21,501 --> 00:20:22,750
Look, if you're open to it,

540
00:20:22,835 --> 00:20:24,856
I would love a redo of our night out.

541
00:20:25,254 --> 00:20:27,088
? Don't go breaking my heart... ?

542
00:20:27,173 --> 00:20:29,256
How is this winning us over?

543
00:20:29,308 --> 00:20:31,392
So this is Alice today...

544
00:20:31,427 --> 00:20:33,294
ruining our duet,

545
00:20:33,329 --> 00:20:36,430
but finally taking a chance on love.

546
00:20:36,482 --> 00:20:38,733
What you want is never gonna happen.

547
00:20:38,768 --> 00:20:41,268
? Oh, yes, it's gonna happen ?

548
00:20:41,354 --> 00:20:43,320
Good thing I have her back

549
00:20:43,406 --> 00:20:46,880
'cause she clearly has no idea
what she's doing.

550
00:20:47,660 --> 00:20:49,888
This doesn't mean I totally forgive you.

551
00:20:50,413 --> 00:20:52,446
? Gave you my heart ?

552
00:20:52,498 --> 00:20:55,166
Okay, maybe she's figuring
it out a little bit...

553
00:20:55,251 --> 00:20:59,954
- ? Gave you my heart ?
- ...but looking way uncool doing it.

554
00:21:00,039 --> 00:21:03,941
Honey, you are mom-dancing.
Full-on mom-dancing!

555
00:21:04,127 --> 00:21:05,760
? I won't go breaking your heart ?

556
00:21:05,795 --> 00:21:07,178
Oh, come on!

557
00:21:07,263 --> 00:21:09,180
You could still keep it sexy!

558
00:21:09,265 --> 00:21:10,965
- ? Don't go breaking my heart ?
- You know, get a little of this.

559
00:21:11,050 --> 00:21:12,299
And then, you know, one of these,

560
00:21:12,351 --> 00:21:13,536
then some shimmy shake,

561
00:21:13,622 --> 00:21:15,028
and then the old... Whoo!

562
00:21:15,208 --> 00:21:17,934
Alice, this girl retweeted me.

563
00:21:18,021 --> 00:21:21,123
"Love the way @AndyLovesTacos..."
that's me...

564
00:21:21,216 --> 00:21:25,218
is owning the nickname Blandy.
#TakingThePowerAway."

565
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:26,652
Wow.

566
00:21:26,754 --> 00:21:28,754
Who's StonewashedJeans92?

567
00:21:28,857 --> 00:21:29,789
I don't know.

568
00:21:29,891 --> 00:21:32,466
- Thanks, A-dogg.
- Mm.

569
00:21:32,724 --> 00:21:35,194
Hmm. StonewashedJeans92.

570
00:21:35,296 --> 00:21:37,430
Sounds like someone's
old AOL screen name.

571
00:21:37,532 --> 00:21:39,065
I threw a kid a bone.

572
00:21:41,269 --> 00:21:42,768
Oh.

573
00:21:42,871 --> 00:21:46,105
Andy just sent StonewashedJeans92
a direct message.

574
00:21:46,212 --> 00:21:48,189
"Hey, girl. Thanks for the retweet.

575
00:21:48,259 --> 00:21:51,282
Want to meet up IRL?" Oh, boy.

576
00:21:51,478 --> 00:21:53,513
And... account deleted.

577
00:21:53,537 --> 00:21:55,137
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx
www.addic7ed.com