1
00:00:00,586 --> 00:00:02,053
The lead story should be the President's

2
00:00:02,055 --> 00:00:03,617
proposed trade agreement with Mexico.

3
00:00:03,657 --> 00:00:06,258
- I think we should lead with healthcare.
- Okay, tell you what:

4
00:00:06,283 --> 00:00:09,039
If I sink this pistachio
shell into that trash can,

5
00:00:09,257 --> 00:00:10,775
you put Mexico at the top of the show.

6
00:00:10,806 --> 00:00:12,172
Katie, that is idiotic.

7
00:00:12,241 --> 00:00:13,976
We're a national news organization.

8
00:00:14,016 --> 00:00:15,348
You have to get it in my mug,

9
00:00:15,417 --> 00:00:16,883
and I'm going to be going like this.

10
00:00:16,952 --> 00:00:18,551
Okay, okay, but you have to keep it...

11
00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:20,120
On a fixed horizontal plane, yeah.

12
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,304
No duh, Katie.

13
00:00:23,358 --> 00:00:24,758
- Yeah!
- So good at that.

14
00:00:24,826 --> 00:00:26,226
Hey, sorry to interrupt.

15
00:00:26,295 --> 00:00:27,494
I just need to know what kind of cake

16
00:00:27,562 --> 00:00:28,828
you want for your birthday, Greg.

17
00:00:28,897 --> 00:00:30,697
No cake, Carol, and no party.

18
00:00:30,766 --> 00:00:32,198
My birthday should be like any other day:

19
00:00:32,267 --> 00:00:33,633
very bad, but...

20
00:00:34,586 --> 00:00:35,702
also very long.

21
00:00:35,804 --> 00:00:37,871
Yeah, birthdays stink. You know?

22
00:00:37,939 --> 00:00:39,673
You only get the one wish, and it's like,

23
00:00:39,698 --> 00:00:40,969
"Am I going to be a goody-two-shoes"

24
00:00:40,994 --> 00:00:42,360
"and ask for world peace,"

25
00:00:42,385 --> 00:00:44,017
"or am I going to ask
for what I really want..."

26
00:00:44,086 --> 00:00:45,652
Something stronger than coffee,

27
00:00:45,689 --> 00:00:47,644
but not all the way to cocaine.

28
00:00:49,412 --> 00:00:50,913
You two.

29
00:00:52,074 --> 00:00:53,106
Hey, Chuck.

30
00:00:54,443 --> 00:00:56,130
Have you ever seen two people

31
00:00:56,198 --> 00:00:58,639
so cute together it hurts?

32
00:00:58,670 --> 00:01:00,837
Are you talking about
me and the very strong

33
00:01:00,906 --> 00:01:02,139
water delivery woman?

34
00:01:02,207 --> 00:01:04,429
There's a certain chemistry there, sure,

35
00:01:04,610 --> 00:01:06,015
but is it sexual?

36
00:01:06,061 --> 00:01:08,342
- Obviously.
- No, Greg and Katie.

37
00:01:08,549 --> 00:01:10,849
Katie likes him, but she won't admit it,

38
00:01:11,122 --> 00:01:12,518
and I know Greg likes her,

39
00:01:12,586 --> 00:01:14,820
but he made me promise not to tell a soul.

40
00:01:14,889 --> 00:01:16,054
Carol, you gotta get to it.

41
00:01:16,123 --> 00:01:17,489
We're gonna run out of hallway.

42
00:01:17,558 --> 00:01:19,892
The problem is that Katie's
never gonna make a move,

43
00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,127
and Greg won't, because
he has a girlfriend.

44
00:01:22,376 --> 00:01:23,807
Ah, I see.

45
00:01:24,245 --> 00:01:26,245
Carol, you ever seen
the movie "Seabiscuit?"

46
00:01:26,468 --> 00:01:29,436
No, but on the Jersey
Shore, "sea biscuit's"

47
00:01:29,504 --> 00:01:31,171
a bunch of stuck-together condoms

48
00:01:31,239 --> 00:01:32,405
floating in the ocean.

49
00:01:32,474 --> 00:01:34,074
Wait, the movie's not about that, is it?

50
00:01:34,142 --> 00:01:36,415
No, Seabiscuit was a great racehorse,

51
00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:37,969
but he didn't become a champion

52
00:01:38,013 --> 00:01:39,579
until his owners got the idea

53
00:01:39,648 --> 00:01:40,680
to take his blinders off

54
00:01:40,749 --> 00:01:41,948
so he could see the competition.

55
00:01:42,017 --> 00:01:43,683
I get it.

56
00:01:43,752 --> 00:01:46,052
Show Katie who she's up against

57
00:01:46,121 --> 00:01:47,687
in the fight for Greg's heart!

58
00:01:47,756 --> 00:01:48,955
Exactly!

59
00:01:49,024 --> 00:01:51,067
- Oh, my God, we ran out of hallway.
- Oof!

60
00:01:54,686 --> 00:01:57,149
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

61
00:01:57,266 --> 00:01:59,543
Hey, Chuck, you got some fan mail.

62
00:01:59,568 --> 00:02:00,606
Oh.

63
00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,168
"Dear Chuck,

64
00:02:02,237 --> 00:02:04,337
thanks for sticking it to that bitch."

65
00:02:04,827 --> 00:02:06,606
I don't know what they're talking about.

66
00:02:06,901 --> 00:02:08,067
Sure sounds like me, though.

67
00:02:08,135 --> 00:02:09,401
Pretty handwriting.

68
00:02:09,470 --> 00:02:11,270
"Right-wing anchor

69
00:02:11,339 --> 00:02:13,806
slams liberal bitch over
climate change hoax."

70
00:02:14,079 --> 00:02:15,775
That's the headline on "BlightBarf."

71
00:02:15,843 --> 00:02:17,109
I'm not right-wing!

72
00:02:17,266 --> 00:02:19,011
I'm not left-wing. I'm like Switzerland...

73
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,479
Completely impartial,

74
00:02:20,548 --> 00:02:22,448
and I love chocolate and knives.

75
00:02:22,580 --> 00:02:24,022
When did I ever slam you?

76
00:02:24,047 --> 00:02:25,066
Hm...

77
00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:27,984
Looks like we've got a
little mystery on our...

78
00:02:28,053 --> 00:02:29,552
Actually, you know what?
I'm kind of over this.

79
00:02:29,621 --> 00:02:30,553
Can we do something else?

80
00:02:30,622 --> 00:02:31,668
No!

81
00:02:31,708 --> 00:02:33,649
Fine, we'll do the mystery.

82
00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:36,237
Surprise!

83
00:02:36,262 --> 00:02:37,713
Ah! Tiny Dunkirk!

84
00:02:37,761 --> 00:02:41,763
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

85
00:02:41,832 --> 00:02:44,499
♪ Happy birthday... ♪

86
00:02:44,568 --> 00:02:46,801
♪ Dear Greg ♪

87
00:02:46,870 --> 00:02:52,974
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

88
00:02:53,043 --> 00:02:54,609
Whose voice is that?

89
00:02:54,678 --> 00:02:55,877
I think it's mine!

90
00:02:55,946 --> 00:02:57,011
Cat?

91
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,636
Surprise!

92
00:03:00,550 --> 00:03:02,102
That's Cat?

93
00:03:02,385 --> 00:03:04,018
She is so pretty.

94
00:03:04,087 --> 00:03:05,954
I know! I'd always pictured

95
00:03:06,022 --> 00:03:08,823
a prim, big-boned woman
with a British accent.

96
00:03:08,892 --> 00:03:10,658
Oh, okay, I was picturing "Supernanny."

97
00:03:10,727 --> 00:03:12,360
Why would you come all the way here

98
00:03:12,429 --> 00:03:14,039
for what I'm desperately hoping

99
00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:15,718
will be a ten-second birthday party?

100
00:03:15,792 --> 00:03:17,532
Oh, I got a call from
someone in your office

101
00:03:17,601 --> 00:03:19,460
who said you'd love me to be here!

102
00:03:19,497 --> 00:03:21,564
And bring Carol some candy.

103
00:03:21,970 --> 00:03:23,703
Oh, look at that!

104
00:03:23,772 --> 00:03:25,579
She is all over him.

105
00:03:25,702 --> 00:03:26,967
Oh, I don't know about you,

106
00:03:27,036 --> 00:03:29,270
but that makes me feel so competitive,

107
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:31,739
much like a legendary horse might.

108
00:03:33,948 --> 00:03:36,082
We've looked through
all of last night's show.

109
00:03:36,150 --> 00:03:37,717
This is the closest thing to a slam.

110
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,658
NASA released a study
on climate change today.

111
00:03:41,173 --> 00:03:42,406
You rolled your eyes.

112
00:03:42,475 --> 00:03:43,474
That's it?

113
00:03:43,542 --> 00:03:45,297
That wasn't even a real eye roll.

114
00:03:45,611 --> 00:03:47,811
I had a problem with my
colored contact lenses,

115
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,277
which I have to wear because
my eyes are going gray.

116
00:03:50,649 --> 00:03:52,282
Hang on. No wonder they thought

117
00:03:52,351 --> 00:03:53,717
you meant something political, Chuck.

118
00:03:53,786 --> 00:03:56,053
You're wearing a "Make
America Great Again" tie.

119
00:03:56,122 --> 00:03:57,287
What?

120
00:03:57,356 --> 00:03:59,256
I've never seen that tie in my life!

121
00:03:59,325 --> 00:04:01,558
I've been wearing the
same green tie all week.

122
00:04:01,627 --> 00:04:03,694
Diana St. Tropez herself suggested it.

123
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:09,413
Justin, do you know something?

124
00:04:09,481 --> 00:04:11,481
Like all popular girls, I can smell fear.

125
00:04:11,550 --> 00:04:12,953
Diana made me do it!

126
00:04:13,252 --> 00:04:15,318
She told me to green-screen
right-wing graphics on your tie

127
00:04:15,387 --> 00:04:16,886
to drum up controversy.

128
00:04:17,072 --> 00:04:19,139
- What?
- Here, look.

129
00:04:19,547 --> 00:04:20,825
The Texas flag,

130
00:04:20,892 --> 00:04:22,359
Obama with devil horns,

131
00:04:22,621 --> 00:04:24,121
an eagle dropping a bomb on Hillary.

132
00:04:25,324 --> 00:04:26,723
Controversy brings ratings.

133
00:04:27,019 --> 00:04:28,752
And I mean, you're
already an old, white man

134
00:04:28,821 --> 00:04:31,055
who screams at a beautiful
mixed-race woman all day.

135
00:04:32,591 --> 00:04:34,925
Why did you invite Greg's girlfriend here?

136
00:04:34,994 --> 00:04:36,293
What's your little scheme?

137
00:04:36,362 --> 00:04:38,480
I brought Cat here to
take your blinders off.

138
00:04:38,527 --> 00:04:40,074
You've seen the competition.

139
00:04:40,141 --> 00:04:42,875
Now you can get fired up and destroy her!

140
00:04:42,943 --> 00:04:44,843
Why would I want to destroy her?

141
00:04:44,912 --> 00:04:47,513
Greg is my friend, and
Cat seems really cool.

142
00:04:47,581 --> 00:04:49,281
Well, I'm Team Katie.

143
00:04:49,350 --> 00:04:50,949
I didn't make T-shirts or anything.

144
00:04:51,018 --> 00:04:52,779
I made hats and mouse pads.

145
00:04:54,187 --> 00:04:56,254
Mom, please don't do anything to Cat,

146
00:04:56,324 --> 00:04:58,858
and please stop saying Greg
and I are cute together.

147
00:04:58,926 --> 00:05:00,026
We are not.

148
00:05:07,570 --> 00:05:09,404
Hey, so I just wanted to let you guys know.

149
00:05:09,406 --> 00:05:11,006
I'm throwing Greg a little
surprise party tonight

150
00:05:11,008 --> 00:05:12,407
for his birthday,

151
00:05:12,471 --> 00:05:15,768
♪ And guess what kind of party it is ♪

152
00:05:15,878 --> 00:05:16,977
Ah!

153
00:05:17,045 --> 00:05:18,867
- Halloween?
- No, karaoke.

154
00:05:19,538 --> 00:05:21,338
Really? I thought Greg didn't like

155
00:05:21,407 --> 00:05:22,773
celebrating his birthday.

156
00:05:22,842 --> 00:05:24,575
Oh, no, that's just something that he says.

157
00:05:24,644 --> 00:05:26,671
I'm Cat, by the way.
I don't think we've met.

158
00:05:26,696 --> 00:05:27,929
Yeah, I'm Katie. I work with...

159
00:05:28,107 --> 00:05:29,811
Oh, my God!

160
00:05:32,352 --> 00:05:34,178
Oh! Wait, Greg, Greg, Greg!

161
00:05:34,726 --> 00:05:36,026
I met Katie!

162
00:05:36,655 --> 00:05:38,310
You're always talking about.

163
00:05:38,310 --> 00:05:40,310
Not always. Seldom. Never.

164
00:05:40,412 --> 00:05:41,847
Oh, he says

165
00:05:41,872 --> 00:05:45,072
such nice things about you.

166
00:05:45,117 --> 00:05:46,916
I mean, he's basically in love with you.

167
00:05:46,985 --> 00:05:48,084
Okay.

168
00:05:48,153 --> 00:05:49,152
We should go and get some lunch?

169
00:05:49,221 --> 00:05:50,353
It was so nice to meet you.

170
00:05:50,422 --> 00:05:52,288
I wish we had more time to talk.

171
00:05:52,357 --> 00:05:54,522
Oh, but you can!

172
00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:57,527
Hey, I'm Carol.

173
00:05:57,596 --> 00:05:58,795
I'm Katie's mom. I have an idea.

174
00:05:58,864 --> 00:06:00,930
Why don't the four of us go to lunch?

175
00:06:00,999 --> 00:06:02,065
What? No.

176
00:06:02,134 --> 00:06:04,200
Why not? Sounds fun!

177
00:06:04,269 --> 00:06:06,002
Wonderful, unless Katie can think of

178
00:06:06,071 --> 00:06:07,704
a reason that we shouldn't in three...

179
00:06:07,773 --> 00:06:08,772
- Uh, rat!
- Two...

180
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,240
- Dog!
- One! Yay!

181
00:06:10,308 --> 00:06:11,241
We're going!

182
00:06:17,371 --> 00:06:19,453
All right, that's it. No more autographs!

183
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:20,917
Go on!

184
00:06:20,942 --> 00:06:23,522
- Love you, Chuck.
- Drain the swamp!

185
00:06:23,547 --> 00:06:24,898
I dropped my keys in it.

186
00:06:24,898 --> 00:06:27,265
What's wrong, Chuck?
Don't you like having fans?

187
00:06:27,335 --> 00:06:28,868
Of course, but I want fans

188
00:06:28,936 --> 00:06:29,943
who like me for the right reasons:

189
00:06:29,974 --> 00:06:32,452
because I'm impartial and I'm trustworthy

190
00:06:32,646 --> 00:06:34,073
and I do a great impression of

191
00:06:34,142 --> 00:06:37,643
Christopher Walken, baby! Yeah!

192
00:06:37,712 --> 00:06:39,345
But you're old and from Nebraska,

193
00:06:39,414 --> 00:06:41,580
so you've got to be some
sort of conservative, right?

194
00:06:41,649 --> 00:06:42,982
Portia, I make an effort

195
00:06:43,051 --> 00:06:45,851
to never have a public opinion on anything.

196
00:06:45,920 --> 00:06:47,486
<i>That ball is in deep to center.</i>

197
00:06:47,555 --> 00:06:49,112
<i>That thing is outta here!</i>

198
00:06:49,143 --> 00:06:51,857
Each team has a valid perspective on this!

199
00:06:51,926 --> 00:06:54,315
I'm just gonna have to
clear this up on the air.

200
00:06:54,386 --> 00:06:55,951
That is a big mistake, Chuck.

201
00:06:56,187 --> 00:06:57,881
Once you've been claimed by either side,

202
00:06:58,022 --> 00:07:00,022
you're stuck with it.
Look at poor Michael Moore.

203
00:07:00,090 --> 00:07:02,377
You think he still wants
to be a liberal crusader?

204
00:07:02,671 --> 00:07:04,237
You can tell by the way he dresses

205
00:07:04,307 --> 00:07:05,773
he clearly just wants to be a pornographer.

206
00:07:11,714 --> 00:07:13,347
Excuse me. Would you be interested

207
00:07:13,416 --> 00:07:15,115
in trading places, and I could do your job,

208
00:07:15,184 --> 00:07:16,817
and you could go have
lunch with my crazy mom?

209
00:07:16,862 --> 00:07:18,009
Too late, bitch.

210
00:07:18,034 --> 00:07:21,012
Real coat check girl is
already on my bad date.

211
00:07:21,270 --> 00:07:24,004
Oh, relax, okay? We're
gonna have a nice lunch.

212
00:07:24,073 --> 00:07:25,589
We'll get to know Cat

213
00:07:25,621 --> 00:07:27,590
and we'll ask her a couple of questions...

214
00:07:27,646 --> 00:07:30,280
No, no, do not start in
with the innocent questions

215
00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:31,882
that are clearly designed to make people

216
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:33,500
regret their decisions.

217
00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,021
Hey! New bangs, huh?

218
00:07:38,090 --> 00:07:39,896
Did you mean for them to look like that?

219
00:07:43,696 --> 00:07:45,329
Okay.

220
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:51,570
Gosh, Cat, it is so
nice to finally meet you.

221
00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:52,838
"Finally?" Now why would I

222
00:07:52,907 --> 00:07:54,506
put it that way? Well, I guess it's because

223
00:07:54,575 --> 00:07:56,809
Greg never talks about
wanting to marry you.

224
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,110
Why is that?

225
00:07:58,179 --> 00:07:59,744
Well, it's kind of a funny story.

226
00:07:59,956 --> 00:08:02,657
Greg and I met the week
after my grandmother died.

227
00:08:02,726 --> 00:08:04,525
I was at the airport, and I left the ring

228
00:08:04,594 --> 00:08:07,195
that my grandmother Dorothy
gave me in the security bin,

229
00:08:07,263 --> 00:08:08,529
but as I walked away,

230
00:08:08,598 --> 00:08:11,699
I heard a gentle British voice say...

231
00:08:11,768 --> 00:08:14,035
"Pardon me, miss. Have
you forgotten something?"

232
00:08:14,104 --> 00:08:15,683
But now there's a crowd that's gathered

233
00:08:15,738 --> 00:08:18,306
that actually thinks we're getting engaged!

234
00:08:18,374 --> 00:08:21,509
So they're chanting,
"Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss,"

235
00:08:21,578 --> 00:08:24,378
so we kissed,

236
00:08:24,447 --> 00:08:26,280
and now our little joke is

237
00:08:26,349 --> 00:08:27,884
it doesn't matter if we get married,

238
00:08:27,909 --> 00:08:29,817
because Greg gave me a ring

239
00:08:29,886 --> 00:08:32,016
the first day that we met.

240
00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,296
Mom, please wait until we get outside

241
00:08:35,357 --> 00:08:36,690
before you make fun of this.

242
00:08:36,758 --> 00:08:37,991
Oh, my God, are you crying?

243
00:08:38,060 --> 00:08:39,893
No. It's just such a good story.

244
00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:41,328
Oh, no biggie!

245
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:42,963
Let's talk about something else.

246
00:08:43,031 --> 00:08:45,232
No, Carol, I don't think that having a baby

247
00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,200
would end my career on Broadway.

248
00:08:47,269 --> 00:08:49,002
Honestly, I think of it as a chance

249
00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:52,630
to lend my voice to the
greatest song of all:

250
00:08:53,755 --> 00:08:54,811
motherhood.

251
00:08:56,144 --> 00:08:57,744
You're right, Carol. I guess Greg and I

252
00:08:57,813 --> 00:08:59,079
don't have a lot in common.

253
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:00,847
We're just one of those unlikely duos,

254
00:09:00,916 --> 00:09:04,395
like how my dog is best friends
with his handicapped duck.

255
00:09:04,505 --> 00:09:08,103
- See?
- Ooh.... duck!

256
00:09:09,107 --> 00:09:10,206
You have a duck?

257
00:09:10,274 --> 00:09:11,374
I have three ducks.

258
00:09:11,442 --> 00:09:14,176
And every time I hear that bell,

259
00:09:14,908 --> 00:09:17,219
it reminds me that Christmas is real.

260
00:09:17,244 --> 00:09:18,811
Oh, okay, can we get the check, please?

261
00:09:18,913 --> 00:09:20,420
Greg and I already took care of it.

262
00:09:20,490 --> 00:09:22,723
Ooh.

263
00:09:22,792 --> 00:09:24,225
Which brings the list of men

264
00:09:24,293 --> 00:09:25,960
who haven't exposed
their penis in Hollywood

265
00:09:26,028 --> 00:09:27,561
down to Tom Hanks...

266
00:09:27,630 --> 00:09:28,668
End of list.

267
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:29,715
Chuck?

268
00:09:29,755 --> 00:09:30,863
Thanks, Portia.

269
00:09:31,046 --> 00:09:32,933
Before we say good night,
I just want to take a moment

270
00:09:33,002 --> 00:09:34,769
to address any perceptions out there

271
00:09:34,837 --> 00:09:37,194
regarding bias in my reporting.

272
00:09:37,421 --> 00:09:38,854
In divided times such as these,

273
00:09:38,923 --> 00:09:41,023
I am reminded of one of my great heroes:

274
00:09:41,092 --> 00:09:42,391
Walter Cronkite.

275
00:09:42,460 --> 00:09:44,326
Because of him, I have the integrity

276
00:09:44,395 --> 00:09:46,428
to stay firmly impartial.

277
00:09:46,564 --> 00:09:48,768
He gave me a gift I can never repay:

278
00:09:48,906 --> 00:09:51,766
a $25 gift card to Coconuts.

279
00:09:51,905 --> 00:09:53,235
If only I had used it

280
00:09:53,304 --> 00:09:55,871
before all their locations closed.

281
00:09:56,583 --> 00:09:58,274
Thank you and good night.

282
00:10:00,211 --> 00:10:01,856
You're getting murdered on Twitter.

283
00:10:01,927 --> 00:10:03,260
The right is calling you a traitor,

284
00:10:03,285 --> 00:10:04,459
but spelling it with a "D,"

285
00:10:04,503 --> 00:10:05,869
and listen to what the left is saying:

286
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,238
"Remaining neutral is a privilege

287
00:10:07,306 --> 00:10:08,606
reserved for a rich white man."

288
00:10:08,674 --> 00:10:10,040
Congratulations, Chuck.

289
00:10:10,363 --> 00:10:11,853
Now both sides hate you.

290
00:10:14,313 --> 00:10:15,746
Sorry, Carol. You had to be there.

291
00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:17,815
I disagree. It's just as funny this way.

292
00:10:19,902 --> 00:10:21,870
Hey, can I borrow my mom for a second?

293
00:10:22,104 --> 00:10:23,912
<i>What's going on, Mom?</i>

294
00:10:24,139 --> 00:10:26,164
Are you Team Cat now?

295
00:10:26,508 --> 00:10:27,879
- Um...
- Oh, my God!

296
00:10:27,965 --> 00:10:29,690
Oh, just for this one thing.

297
00:10:29,715 --> 00:10:32,230
I'm Team Katie for everything else.

298
00:10:32,254 --> 00:10:34,087
I'd pick you over LeBron James

299
00:10:34,156 --> 00:10:35,422
for my basketball team.

300
00:10:35,491 --> 00:10:37,582
Well, as long as we had Curry at the point

301
00:10:37,597 --> 00:10:39,542
and maybe Anthony Davis down low,

302
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:41,143
and then we could hide you on defense.

303
00:10:41,168 --> 00:10:42,806
But, Katie, what's the problem?

304
00:10:42,916 --> 00:10:45,203
I thought you didn't even like Greg.

305
00:10:45,272 --> 00:10:47,272
I... don't, but I'll be damned

306
00:10:47,340 --> 00:10:49,025
if my own mother is gonna side

307
00:10:49,085 --> 00:10:50,484
with another girl over me

308
00:10:50,538 --> 00:10:51,837
in a fake competition she set up.

309
00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:54,019
You know what? This is the drums

310
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:55,254
all over again.

311
00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,055
"Katie, you should do the drums!"

312
00:10:57,124 --> 00:10:58,223
"You'll like the drums."

313
00:10:58,292 --> 00:11:00,459
Then I do, I kill one bird...

314
00:11:00,528 --> 00:11:03,095
I'm sorry, but you can't
compete with two people

315
00:11:03,133 --> 00:11:04,766
who are perfect for each other.

316
00:11:04,802 --> 00:11:05,964
Perfect for each other?

317
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,266
You think he likes a woman

318
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:09,234
who takes every conversation

319
00:11:09,303 --> 00:11:10,951
and turns it into a one-woman show?

320
00:11:11,028 --> 00:11:13,172
Oh, my grandmother's ring.

321
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:15,007
We kissed for no reason.

322
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,309
I'm sorry.

323
00:11:17,378 --> 00:11:18,977
It's just your tone of voice didn't change

324
00:11:19,046 --> 00:11:20,446
the emotional content.

325
00:11:20,884 --> 00:11:24,252
Oh, the story of how
they met is so romantic.

326
00:11:24,321 --> 00:11:26,721
What is the story of how you and Greg met?

327
00:11:26,790 --> 00:11:29,032
Well, it was my first day here...

328
00:11:29,525 --> 00:11:31,226
Hey, do you know how
to use the copy machine?

329
00:11:31,295 --> 00:11:33,128
- No.
- Okay.

330
00:11:33,197 --> 00:11:34,663
You see? Bad story.

331
00:11:34,731 --> 00:11:35,769
Not romantic.

332
00:11:35,801 --> 00:11:37,732
Greg and Cat are soul mates.

333
00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:38,934
Soul mates? Please.

334
00:11:39,002 --> 00:11:40,268
She's making him do karaoke.

335
00:11:40,337 --> 00:11:42,204
If Cat and Greg were really soul mates,

336
00:11:42,272 --> 00:11:43,805
she'd get him something he actually wants,

337
00:11:43,874 --> 00:11:45,013
like I did.

338
00:11:46,379 --> 00:11:47,465
Ooh!

339
00:11:47,544 --> 00:11:48,609
What's in there?

340
00:11:48,678 --> 00:11:51,604
No, this is the actual... gift,

341
00:11:51,629 --> 00:11:54,347
but it's a top of the line Office Pro TX

342
00:11:54,417 --> 00:11:55,983
and it's got a lifetime guarantee

343
00:11:56,052 --> 00:11:57,151
that the ringulators...

344
00:11:57,220 --> 00:11:58,452
They're never gonna encrossulate.

345
00:11:58,521 --> 00:12:00,021
Okay, I don't know how to say this.

346
00:12:00,089 --> 00:12:01,739
P.U. That gift stinks.

347
00:12:02,724 --> 00:12:04,058
Step away from this, Katie.

348
00:12:04,127 --> 00:12:06,928
Let Greg and Cat ride off into the sunset

349
00:12:06,972 --> 00:12:08,638
and make cute babies together.

350
00:12:08,731 --> 00:12:11,474
Their cute babies? What
about our cute babies?

351
00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:13,207
These eyes? His jawline?

352
00:12:13,275 --> 00:12:14,842
Get your head out of your ass, Mom!

353
00:12:14,910 --> 00:12:16,410
I'm way more perfect for Greg than she is,

354
00:12:16,479 --> 00:12:17,831
and I'm gonna prove it!

355
00:12:18,451 --> 00:12:19,683
Hey, Greg. Sorry to jump in

356
00:12:19,752 --> 00:12:21,018
with a work thing. I want to lead

357
00:12:21,087 --> 00:12:22,616
- with my story tomorrow.
- Okay.

358
00:12:23,068 --> 00:12:24,816
No, but...

359
00:12:25,351 --> 00:12:26,908
Betcha think I can't make it from here.

360
00:12:26,933 --> 00:12:28,655
Oh, and the crowd goes...

361
00:12:29,422 --> 00:12:30,721
horrified? Why?

362
00:12:31,102 --> 00:12:33,202
Oh no, your pet duck.

363
00:12:33,227 --> 00:12:35,594
Katherine, they've been
through so much already.

364
00:12:35,663 --> 00:12:36,931
Shh, shh, shh, shh.

365
00:12:36,974 --> 00:12:38,038
Aww...

366
00:12:38,507 --> 00:12:40,374
Hey, are you gonna come to karaoke tonight?

367
00:12:40,443 --> 00:12:42,543
Yeah, yeah, I'll be there, and hey,

368
00:12:42,612 --> 00:12:44,245
if you think it's the
perfect party for Greg,

369
00:12:44,313 --> 00:12:47,041
- I am sure you're right.
- Trust your gut, ok...

370
00:12:47,450 --> 00:12:49,984
Oh, my God, I hurt my finger
so bad on your stomach.

371
00:12:50,086 --> 00:12:51,318
Sorry. Dancer.

372
00:12:51,387 --> 00:12:52,953
See you tonight. Ah!

373
00:12:55,636 --> 00:12:58,386
That was bad and uncomfortable.

374
00:13:00,273 --> 00:13:03,140
Chuck? Oh, no, are you the new Hedwig?

375
00:13:03,180 --> 00:13:04,911
I told you you don't have the chops.

376
00:13:04,936 --> 00:13:07,749
All my private information
was leaked to the public,

377
00:13:07,773 --> 00:13:10,007
and now people keep
sending me glitter bombs.

378
00:13:10,009 --> 00:13:11,393
They have my address,

379
00:13:11,393 --> 00:13:12,476
my cell number,

380
00:13:12,544 --> 00:13:14,244
my CVS ExtraCare card.

381
00:13:14,313 --> 00:13:15,812
Some low-life is out there

382
00:13:15,881 --> 00:13:18,148
getting all of my super-long receipts.

383
00:13:18,149 --> 00:13:19,816
Standard troll move.

384
00:13:20,026 --> 00:13:21,217
You got doxed.

385
00:13:21,260 --> 00:13:22,562
- Hmm?
- They wrote your number

386
00:13:22,587 --> 00:13:23,953
on the bathroom stall of the Internet.

387
00:13:24,456 --> 00:13:26,127
Those bastards!

388
00:13:26,207 --> 00:13:27,640
I know this image stuff better than you.

389
00:13:27,684 --> 00:13:29,354
- Let me help.
- Ah, Portia,

390
00:13:29,378 --> 00:13:30,371
I'll be fine.

391
00:13:30,417 --> 00:13:32,779
I think I can handle a
couple of Internet trolls

392
00:13:32,822 --> 00:13:34,380
who are acting like goofballs.

393
00:13:34,431 --> 00:13:36,575
Look, someone sent me a
piece of certified mail.

394
00:13:36,644 --> 00:13:38,061
Surely that will be okay to...

395
00:13:40,244 --> 00:13:42,011
You sons of bitches!

396
00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:43,811
I'll kill you!

397
00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:46,648
Come out of there and face me!

398
00:13:48,549 --> 00:13:50,068
<i>Shh. Here he comes!</i>

399
00:13:51,021 --> 00:13:52,755
Surprise!

400
00:13:57,772 --> 00:14:00,458
I was too British to admit it, but...

401
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:02,341
being surrounded by friends

402
00:14:02,366 --> 00:14:04,232
is what I wanted for my birthday.

403
00:14:04,447 --> 00:14:05,534
So thank you, Cat,

404
00:14:05,828 --> 00:14:07,528
and thank you, all of you, really.

405
00:14:10,128 --> 00:14:11,706
Big deal. He's just being polite.

406
00:14:11,775 --> 00:14:13,273
Oh, she figured out he likes friends.

407
00:14:13,310 --> 00:14:14,870
They must share a soul.

408
00:14:14,977 --> 00:14:17,219
We are here tonight to honor Greg Walsh.

409
00:14:17,300 --> 00:14:19,300
- Yeah, Greg.
- And this song's for you.

410
00:14:19,369 --> 00:14:22,537
[CHICAGO'S "YOU'RE THE
INSPIRATION" PLAYING]

411
00:14:25,242 --> 00:14:29,044
♪ You know our love was meant to be ♪

412
00:14:30,547 --> 00:14:31,813
Go, Cat!

413
00:14:31,882 --> 00:14:36,017
♪ The kind of love to last forever ♪

414
00:14:38,155 --> 00:14:43,215
♪ And I want you here with me ♪

415
00:14:44,114 --> 00:14:48,663
♪ From tonight until the end of time ♪

416
00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:52,721
♪ You're the meaning in my life ♪

417
00:14:53,103 --> 00:14:56,237
♪ You're the inspiration ♪

418
00:14:56,306 --> 00:14:59,245
♪ You bring feeling to my life ♪

419
00:14:59,443 --> 00:15:02,703
♪ You're the inspiration ♪

420
00:15:03,106 --> 00:15:05,332
Okay, I can see how this could look bad,

421
00:15:05,379 --> 00:15:06,822
but she is playing right into our...

422
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:08,646
♪ Wanna have you near me ♪

423
00:15:09,024 --> 00:15:12,499
♪ Wanna have you hear me saying ♪

424
00:15:12,994 --> 00:15:15,261
♪ No one needs you more ♪

425
00:15:15,330 --> 00:15:20,099
♪ Than I need you ♪

426
00:15:23,897 --> 00:15:25,045
Chuck?

427
00:15:27,464 --> 00:15:29,105
Are you hiding under your desk?

428
00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:31,262
Of course not! I'm living under here.

429
00:15:31,287 --> 00:15:32,568
Get off my yard.

430
00:15:33,146 --> 00:15:34,732
- _
- You're getting death threats now?

431
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:37,769
They broke into my house.
They cut those letters out of

432
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:40,338
my own personal issue of "Fonts" magazine.

433
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:42,840
Look, I know you claim
not to have any opinions,

434
00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:44,375
but you obviously have one...

435
00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:45,877
That I'm always wrong.

436
00:15:46,135 --> 00:15:48,268
If you listened to me, you
wouldn't be in this mess.

437
00:15:48,337 --> 00:15:49,436
Please help me, Portia.

438
00:15:49,505 --> 00:15:50,633
I'll give you anything.

439
00:15:51,340 --> 00:15:54,040
How about a $25 gift card to Coconuts?

440
00:15:54,109 --> 00:15:55,208
Look, I'm sorry that

441
00:15:55,233 --> 00:15:56,799
impartiality in journalism is dead,

442
00:15:56,843 --> 00:15:58,311
but this is where we are now.

443
00:15:58,380 --> 00:16:00,580
It's prison rules. You either pick a side,

444
00:16:00,649 --> 00:16:02,616
or everyone kicks the crap out of you.

445
00:16:02,684 --> 00:16:04,522
I was on season two of "Celebrity Lockup."

446
00:16:04,549 --> 00:16:06,286
But I don't want to pick a side!

447
00:16:06,731 --> 00:16:08,002
Now what do I do?

448
00:16:08,003 --> 00:16:09,402
Well, as Flavor Flav said

449
00:16:09,471 --> 00:16:10,971
before he used a sharpened spoon

450
00:16:11,039 --> 00:16:12,390
to tunnel his way to freedom,

451
00:16:13,175 --> 00:16:15,308
"I have a plan, Heidi Montag."

452
00:16:18,964 --> 00:16:20,863
I'm sorry they're soul mates, pumpkin.

453
00:16:20,894 --> 00:16:22,494
Wanna get some ice cream on the way home?

454
00:16:22,519 --> 00:16:24,498
My treat. Oh, wait, I
don't have a bank account.

455
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:25,545
No, hang on.

456
00:16:25,972 --> 00:16:28,142
You like inside jokes? You like fun girls

457
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:29,599
who know how to get the party started

458
00:16:29,601 --> 00:16:30,967
and know Greg really well?

459
00:16:30,969 --> 00:16:33,306
Well, feast your ears on this, Mom.

460
00:16:34,096 --> 00:16:37,740
So, we are celebrating one cool dude.

461
00:16:38,043 --> 00:16:39,940
Old Gregasaurus Grex.

462
00:16:40,045 --> 00:16:42,212
It's not an established nickname.

463
00:16:42,214 --> 00:16:43,480
It's... whatever.

464
00:16:43,482 --> 00:16:44,714
I think he's going to know

465
00:16:44,716 --> 00:16:46,416
where I'm coming from with this one.

466
00:16:46,418 --> 00:16:48,885
[LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S "THAT SMELL" PLAYING]

467
00:16:48,887 --> 00:16:50,955
♪ Whiskey bottles ♪

468
00:16:51,323 --> 00:16:53,125
♪ Brand new cars ♪

469
00:16:53,599 --> 00:16:55,479
♪ Oak tree, you're in my way ♪

470
00:16:57,265 --> 00:16:59,069
♪ There's too much coke ♪

471
00:16:59,071 --> 00:17:00,871
♪ And too much smoke ♪

472
00:17:01,482 --> 00:17:04,074
♪ Look what's going on inside you ♪

473
00:17:04,076 --> 00:17:05,542
It's gonna make sense in a second.

474
00:17:05,544 --> 00:17:08,045
♪ Ooh, that smell ♪

475
00:17:09,481 --> 00:17:11,948
♪ Can't you smell that smell ♪

476
00:17:13,619 --> 00:17:15,986
♪ Ooh, that smell ♪

477
00:17:18,257 --> 00:17:21,433
♪ The smell of death surrounds you ♪

478
00:17:22,924 --> 00:17:24,221
Greg, you remember? You remember

479
00:17:24,246 --> 00:17:25,682
that funny inside joke?

480
00:17:25,864 --> 00:17:27,760
- No.
- What are you talking about?

481
00:17:27,799 --> 00:17:29,697
You remember that time we all went out

482
00:17:29,940 --> 00:17:31,907
for Thirsty Thursday?
It was like a year ago.

483
00:17:31,909 --> 00:17:33,375
We all went out. We heard that woman

484
00:17:33,377 --> 00:17:34,843
coming out of the bathroom

485
00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:36,345
singing "Ooh, That Smell"
in that terrible voice?

486
00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:37,412
You remember?

487
00:17:37,414 --> 00:17:39,047
♪ Ooh, that smell ♪

488
00:17:39,049 --> 00:17:41,126
I remember. Greg wasn't there.

489
00:17:41,871 --> 00:17:43,704
- Oh, no.
- I also remember.

490
00:17:43,821 --> 00:17:45,200
I was the woman singing.

491
00:17:45,389 --> 00:17:46,588
You said it was good,

492
00:17:46,590 --> 00:17:48,223
and I should try out for "The Voice."

493
00:17:48,225 --> 00:17:50,003
Okay, I'm sorry.

494
00:17:50,028 --> 00:17:51,426
Yeah, I'm... I'm out.

495
00:17:51,428 --> 00:17:53,231
_

496
00:17:53,363 --> 00:17:54,916
Damn it, why?

497
00:17:58,202 --> 00:17:59,671
Welcome back to our panel.

498
00:17:59,671 --> 00:18:01,104
Still with us, Bo Jefferson,

499
00:18:01,105 --> 00:18:03,172
fiscally conservative van resident.

500
00:18:03,174 --> 00:18:05,941
And on the liberal side,
daniel with a lowercase D.

501
00:18:06,218 --> 00:18:07,850
Now we've heard a lot of opinions tonight,

502
00:18:07,905 --> 00:18:09,519
but we haven't heard from you, Chuck,

503
00:18:09,521 --> 00:18:11,316
so what side are you on?

504
00:18:11,384 --> 00:18:13,291
Well, Portia, if everyone wants

505
00:18:13,330 --> 00:18:15,039
to know what I think so badly,

506
00:18:15,267 --> 00:18:16,338
here it is.

507
00:18:16,501 --> 00:18:18,601
We need to protect the environment.

508
00:18:18,603 --> 00:18:20,103
Exactly, because Mother Earth...

509
00:18:20,105 --> 00:18:22,172
The environment of fun
that shooting a machine gun

510
00:18:22,174 --> 00:18:23,840
into an abandoned house creates.

511
00:18:23,842 --> 00:18:25,008
- Wait, what?
- And I also believe that

512
00:18:25,010 --> 00:18:27,110
Jesus belongs in our schools.

513
00:18:27,112 --> 00:18:28,945
- Amen.
- Just because he's my gardener

514
00:18:28,947 --> 00:18:30,284
and illegal and gay

515
00:18:30,284 --> 00:18:31,650
doesn't mean he shouldn't
go to college for free.

516
00:18:31,652 --> 00:18:32,951
I don't like that part.

517
00:18:32,953 --> 00:18:34,219
And we need to build that wall

518
00:18:34,221 --> 00:18:35,287
between the US and Mexico...

519
00:18:35,289 --> 00:18:36,621
And a door, and a roof,

520
00:18:36,623 --> 00:18:38,342
because we're building a giant duplex

521
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,134
where everyone can live
on the government's dime.

522
00:18:41,299 --> 00:18:43,273
That's all from us here at the Breakdown.

523
00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:44,377
Good night.

524
00:18:44,422 --> 00:18:45,487
Uh, what just happened?

525
00:18:45,512 --> 00:18:46,640
I have no idea, man.

526
00:18:46,642 --> 00:18:47,874
Congratulations, Chuck.

527
00:18:47,876 --> 00:18:49,386
You completely confused Twitter.

528
00:18:49,525 --> 00:18:52,200
Everyone's already moved
on to #SandwichesBeLike.

529
00:18:52,371 --> 00:18:53,408
I get it now.

530
00:18:53,782 --> 00:18:55,582
If you were playing by prison rules,

531
00:18:55,584 --> 00:18:56,883
and you don't want to pick a side,

532
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:58,118
you only have one choice...

533
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,287
To be the craziest guy in the yard.

534
00:19:00,289 --> 00:19:02,088
I may not believe any of what I just said,

535
00:19:02,090 --> 00:19:03,790
but I do know one thing for sure.

536
00:19:03,792 --> 00:19:06,426
You are not always wrong.

537
00:19:06,595 --> 00:19:07,694
Thanks, Chuck.

538
00:19:07,696 --> 00:19:08,895
You're the mayonnaise.

539
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,774
#SandwichesBeLike.

540
00:19:14,237 --> 00:19:15,769
Ooh, hey, pumpkin.

541
00:19:15,771 --> 00:19:17,304
I'm sorry about last night.

542
00:19:17,306 --> 00:19:18,905
What do you have to be sorry about?

543
00:19:18,907 --> 00:19:20,554
I drove you to madness.

544
00:19:20,632 --> 00:19:21,999
You don't like Greg.

545
00:19:22,129 --> 00:19:23,422
I should've listened.

546
00:19:23,500 --> 00:19:24,945
Oh, my God, Mom, did you see the way

547
00:19:24,947 --> 00:19:26,313
I behaved yesterday?

548
00:19:26,315 --> 00:19:28,014
You honestly think I did all that stuff

549
00:19:28,016 --> 00:19:29,378
to prove a point to you?

550
00:19:29,408 --> 00:19:32,634
I'm obviously madly,
hopelessly in love with Greg.

551
00:19:33,314 --> 00:19:34,308
What?

552
00:19:34,448 --> 00:19:36,215
Then why did you say you weren't,

553
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,494
like a thousand times?

554
00:19:38,690 --> 00:19:41,286
I was protesting too much,
like when I kept saying

555
00:19:41,288 --> 00:19:43,889
I wouldn't want to be
Cinderella in the play...

556
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,458
I prefer the role of
Unnamed Male Ball Attendee.

557
00:19:46,460 --> 00:19:49,228
Oh, yeah, but you were so good in that.

558
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,259
Remember?

559
00:19:50,298 --> 00:19:52,965
"Well, this is a wonderful ball."

560
00:19:52,967 --> 00:19:55,703
Ugh. It doesn't matter now, anyway.

561
00:19:55,728 --> 00:19:56,902
Oh, Katie.

562
00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:59,772
I never should have
taken your blinders off.

563
00:20:00,023 --> 00:20:02,274
You two made such a cute couple.

564
00:20:02,276 --> 00:20:04,168
Yeah, I thought so, too.

565
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,745
Oh, what a joke.

566
00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:09,681
"We play pistachio basketball together"

567
00:20:09,683 --> 00:20:11,417
"and we laugh at the same stuff

568
00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,919
and we get each other in a way
that's really hard to explain"

569
00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,187
and he challenges me

570
00:20:15,189 --> 00:20:16,722
to be the best version of myself,

571
00:20:16,724 --> 00:20:17,956
and when I see him in the morning,

572
00:20:17,958 --> 00:20:19,258
it is the nicest part of my day,

573
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,026
and I know that he hates karaoke,

574
00:20:21,028 --> 00:20:23,909
even though he sings
like a beautiful angel.

575
00:20:25,553 --> 00:20:26,675
No, you know what?

576
00:20:26,897 --> 00:20:28,627
I'm right. I do know Greg.

577
00:20:35,209 --> 00:20:36,942
I'm sorry to just bust in here like this,

578
00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,844
but it's super important
and totally not a big deal

579
00:20:38,846 --> 00:20:40,212
and probably stupid

580
00:20:40,214 --> 00:20:41,513
and totally doesn't symbolize anything

581
00:20:41,515 --> 00:20:42,848
and I dug it out of the trash

582
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,149
and the pepperoni's not part of it,

583
00:20:44,151 --> 00:20:45,689
but me buy you this for birthday.

584
00:20:48,738 --> 00:20:50,096
Oh, my God, this was a mistake.

585
00:20:52,693 --> 00:20:54,112
How did you know?

586
00:20:55,618 --> 00:20:56,633
You...

587
00:20:57,756 --> 00:20:58,844
see me.

588
00:21:00,286 --> 00:21:01,367
Yeah.

589
00:21:04,171 --> 00:21:05,271
Cool, well...

590
00:21:06,173 --> 00:21:07,754
I'ma go hang out with my wang out.

591
00:21:07,842 --> 00:21:08,896
Okay.

592
00:21:11,679 --> 00:21:12,744
Oh...

593
00:21:12,746 --> 00:21:14,193
They are soul mates,

594
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:15,961
but he's with Cat.

595
00:21:16,750 --> 00:21:20,557
Oh, my God, the four of
us are in a love triangle.