1
00:00:02,156 --> 00:00:04,123
Hi, pumpkin. How are you doing?

2
00:00:04,125 --> 00:00:05,812
Still nursing a broken heart?

3
00:00:05,844 --> 00:00:07,477
What? No! I'm fine.

4
00:00:07,546 --> 00:00:09,646
I brought your old Nick
Carter sticker album.

5
00:00:09,715 --> 00:00:11,615
Remember how it always
used to cheer you up?

6
00:00:11,684 --> 00:00:13,550
You'd take it in your room,
and you'd lock the door,

7
00:00:13,619 --> 00:00:14,847
and you'd be in there for hours...

8
00:00:14,886 --> 00:00:17,144
Mom, Mom, cut it out,
cut it out. I don't...

9
00:00:20,893 --> 00:00:22,173
I'm already over Jeremy.

10
00:00:22,198 --> 00:00:24,528
We barely had a relationship, and it ended,

11
00:00:24,596 --> 00:00:26,494
because that's what relationships do.

12
00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:27,647
They end.

13
00:00:27,672 --> 00:00:28,974
What? No, they don't.

14
00:00:29,042 --> 00:00:30,827
What about me and your father,

15
00:00:30,865 --> 00:00:32,431
or Grammy and Pop-Pop?

16
00:00:32,456 --> 00:00:34,488
Well, that's never
happening for me, Mom, okay?

17
00:00:34,488 --> 00:00:36,588
I just want to go out, have fun,

18
00:00:36,656 --> 00:00:39,624
maybe have a little
rebound se... sessions...

19
00:00:39,693 --> 00:00:42,260
Just me on the old b-ball court.

20
00:00:42,329 --> 00:00:43,361
Nothing but net.

21
00:00:43,430 --> 00:00:44,696
No, don't you give up, Katie,

22
00:00:44,764 --> 00:00:45,864
and have a one-night stand.

23
00:00:45,932 --> 00:00:47,365
Please don't. You'll get murdered.

24
00:00:47,434 --> 00:00:48,633
And then what will happen?

25
00:00:48,702 --> 00:00:50,902
They'll make a "LAW & ORDER: SVU" about it,

26
00:00:50,971 --> 00:00:52,704
and who will play me, Bette Midler?

27
00:00:52,772 --> 00:00:54,205
Is she even loud enough?

28
00:00:54,538 --> 00:00:55,640
Please be patient.

29
00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:57,208
Your happy ending will come.

30
00:00:57,277 --> 00:00:59,756
♪ Rapido, rapido ♪

31
00:01:02,716 --> 00:01:04,782
Oh, that's fun. I feel like I'm at Epcot.

32
00:01:04,851 --> 00:01:06,217
What is that song?

33
00:01:06,286 --> 00:01:08,508
It's the follow up to
Luis Fonsi's "Despacito."

34
00:01:08,563 --> 00:01:10,788
It's even filthier.
White people have no idea.

35
00:01:10,857 --> 00:01:12,657
They play it at kids' birthday parties.

36
00:01:12,726 --> 00:01:16,394
_

37
00:01:16,463 --> 00:01:18,763
Oh, Justin, that's beautiful!

38
00:01:18,832 --> 00:01:20,532
♪ Rapido... ♪

39
00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,333
Where'd all this energy come from?

40
00:01:22,402 --> 00:01:23,468
Ah, I see.

41
00:01:23,537 --> 00:01:24,903
Is that an Irish coffee,

42
00:01:24,971 --> 00:01:26,471
or as we call it in my family,

43
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:27,572
breakfast?

44
00:01:28,742 --> 00:01:30,341
We've all got the disease.

45
00:01:30,410 --> 00:01:32,810
Oh, I... I just been going
to this new coffee place.

46
00:01:32,879 --> 00:01:34,045
Oh, is it any good?

47
00:01:34,114 --> 00:01:35,747
Uh, no, it's not.

48
00:01:35,815 --> 00:01:37,448
Very expensive, long lines...

49
00:01:37,517 --> 00:01:39,184
Chuck Pierce doesn't wait in lines!

50
00:01:39,252 --> 00:01:41,286
I scream and act demented.

51
00:01:41,354 --> 00:01:42,787
They let me go right to the front.

52
00:01:42,856 --> 00:01:44,180
Just don't go there, okay?

53
00:01:44,891 --> 00:01:46,958
Oh, Justin, I downloaded the song.

54
00:01:49,729 --> 00:01:51,829
_

55
00:01:51,898 --> 00:01:54,232
I'm gonna sing it at
our church talent show.

56
00:01:57,437 --> 00:01:59,732
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

57
00:02:00,340 --> 00:02:02,040
Sorry I'm late. I'm in the middle of

58
00:02:02,108 --> 00:02:03,608
a public relations nightmare.

59
00:02:03,677 --> 00:02:04,842
Been there.

60
00:02:04,911 --> 00:02:06,778
Carmen Electra and I were arrested

61
00:02:06,846 --> 00:02:08,813
for having "public relations" in Yosemite.

62
00:02:08,882 --> 00:02:10,982
No. I was in Vegas this weekend,

63
00:02:11,051 --> 00:02:12,150
and someone took a picture of me

64
00:02:12,219 --> 00:02:13,985
sitting on Criss Angel's lap.

65
00:02:14,224 --> 00:02:16,326
Now there's all these
rumors that I'm cheating.

66
00:02:18,225 --> 00:02:19,490
It's not my fault.

67
00:02:19,559 --> 00:02:21,226
He was a chair right before I sat down.

68
00:02:21,294 --> 00:02:23,428
Sounds like we both need
to let off some steam.

69
00:02:23,496 --> 00:02:25,163
What do you say we go out tomorrow night?

70
00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:26,898
We could, like, grind up on some randos,

71
00:02:26,967 --> 00:02:29,683
maybe have a one-night...
stew... a one-night stew?

72
00:02:30,003 --> 00:02:32,737
Interesting. So you'd cook stew overnight?

73
00:02:33,061 --> 00:02:35,773
And then you'd have a
hot, fresh pot of stew

74
00:02:35,842 --> 00:02:37,875
for breakfast! That's genius.

75
00:02:37,944 --> 00:02:40,233
Yep. Please, Portia.

76
00:02:40,264 --> 00:02:41,630
I just want to have a fling.

77
00:02:41,655 --> 00:02:43,748
I mean, I'm an adult. I
can do whatever I want,

78
00:02:43,817 --> 00:02:44,916
but please just say "yes" right now

79
00:02:44,985 --> 00:02:46,484
while my mommy isn't listening.

80
00:02:46,553 --> 00:02:47,919
I don't know. I'm pretty burnt out

81
00:02:47,988 --> 00:02:50,177
- on clubs right now.
- Oh, come on, Portia.

82
00:02:50,202 --> 00:02:52,290
It'll be like those two
girls' night out movies

83
00:02:52,359 --> 00:02:53,791
that came out at the same time,

84
00:02:53,860 --> 00:02:56,394
only ours will be as good as the black one.

85
00:02:56,947 --> 00:02:58,017
Fine.

86
00:02:58,164 --> 00:03:00,015
Yeah!

87
00:03:07,962 --> 00:03:10,441
Well, well, well, said baby Jessica

88
00:03:10,471 --> 00:03:11,851
while having a nightmare.

89
00:03:11,883 --> 00:03:13,478
If you're interested in
television production,

90
00:03:13,546 --> 00:03:14,946
one of my Sims is a famous actor.

91
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:17,894
I'll have what he's having, uh, Hayley.

92
00:03:17,925 --> 00:03:19,734
Like Haley Joel Osment.

93
00:03:19,806 --> 00:03:23,041
And you have his same beautiful smile.

94
00:03:23,109 --> 00:03:25,009
Hey, Chuck. What are you doing?

95
00:03:25,078 --> 00:03:27,084
Wow, you're Chuck Pierce.

96
00:03:27,212 --> 00:03:29,047
Um, do you think I could
get a picture of you,

97
00:03:29,115 --> 00:03:30,081
for the wall?

98
00:03:30,150 --> 00:03:31,082
Of course!

99
00:03:31,151 --> 00:03:32,350
I actually have one on me.

100
00:03:33,730 --> 00:03:35,486
Ever ridden in a news truck, Hayley?

101
00:03:35,555 --> 00:03:37,745
You can pull right up to highway accidents.

102
00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:39,892
Maybe see a dead body.

103
00:03:43,817 --> 00:03:44,916
Hm.

104
00:03:44,984 --> 00:03:46,988
Swipe right, swipe right...

105
00:03:48,488 --> 00:03:49,520
Mm...

106
00:03:55,808 --> 00:03:57,596
Eh, I could hit that.

107
00:03:59,797 --> 00:04:01,599
Oh, my God, what's wrong?

108
00:04:02,039 --> 00:04:03,433
It's Grammy.

109
00:04:03,503 --> 00:04:04,498
Oh, no.

110
00:04:04,629 --> 00:04:06,737
Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry,

111
00:04:06,806 --> 00:04:08,139
but Grammy lived a good life.

112
00:04:08,208 --> 00:04:10,506
Oh, she's not dead, sweetheart.

113
00:04:11,022 --> 00:04:13,060
She's divorcing Pop-Pop.

114
00:04:13,108 --> 00:04:14,641
Wait, what?

115
00:04:14,709 --> 00:04:16,042
I'm a child of divorce.

116
00:04:16,111 --> 00:04:17,744
Now I'm gonna have to celebrate

117
00:04:17,812 --> 00:04:21,180
two
Christmas-s-s-s-es!

118
00:04:21,249 --> 00:04:23,149
Okay, well, that's kind of fun, right?

119
00:04:23,218 --> 00:04:25,652
- No. No!
- No.

120
00:04:32,226 --> 00:04:34,202
Did you go out last night without me?

121
00:04:34,243 --> 00:04:35,642
No, I was up all night

122
00:04:35,712 --> 00:04:38,313
listening to my mom crying
about her parents' divorce.

123
00:04:38,381 --> 00:04:40,748
She's worried that her dad
is gonna get weekends and then

124
00:04:40,817 --> 00:04:43,151
her friends aren't gonna
want to do sleepovers there.

125
00:04:43,219 --> 00:04:44,986
Ugh. She's inconsolable.

126
00:04:45,055 --> 00:04:46,521
Hello!

127
00:04:46,845 --> 00:04:50,079
Ah, Mom! What are you doing?

128
00:04:50,147 --> 00:04:52,260
And Grammy, why are you here?

129
00:04:52,260 --> 00:04:53,756
I don't know.

130
00:04:53,776 --> 00:04:56,381
Oh, yes, you do. We
talked about it, remember?

131
00:04:56,406 --> 00:04:58,306
This is your new beginning.

132
00:04:58,374 --> 00:05:00,516
So you're not sad anymore?

133
00:05:00,541 --> 00:05:02,474
I thought about it, and I realized

134
00:05:02,543 --> 00:05:04,343
that this divorce is a good thing.

135
00:05:04,412 --> 00:05:06,979
The marriage has been over
for a long time, and, you know,

136
00:05:07,048 --> 00:05:08,581
they were staying together for the kids,

137
00:05:08,649 --> 00:05:10,149
and now that I'm in college,

138
00:05:10,217 --> 00:05:13,143
Grammy is free to start her next chapter.

139
00:05:13,962 --> 00:05:15,321
What next chapter?

140
00:05:15,389 --> 00:05:17,056
Hey, Greg! My mother would like

141
00:05:17,124 --> 00:05:18,891
to apply for an internship!

142
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:20,057
Oh, no thank you!

143
00:05:20,222 --> 00:05:21,293
Come on.

144
00:05:21,362 --> 00:05:22,628
Give her an interview,

145
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,230
as a personal favor to my fist.

146
00:05:25,299 --> 00:05:26,332
All right.

147
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:27,415
All right.

148
00:05:28,769 --> 00:05:30,135
So, um...

149
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,204
what's your prior work experience?

150
00:05:32,273 --> 00:05:34,740
You know the women who worked in factories

151
00:05:34,809 --> 00:05:37,067
- during World War II?
- Yep.

152
00:05:37,359 --> 00:05:39,827
I pickpocketed them.

153
00:05:41,064 --> 00:05:43,765
Mom, this is crazy.

154
00:05:43,833 --> 00:05:44,932
No, it's not.

155
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,467
If I could get a second chance at life,

156
00:05:46,535 --> 00:05:48,001
and start working here at 60,

157
00:05:48,070 --> 00:05:50,537
there's no reason Grammy can't at 90!

158
00:05:50,606 --> 00:05:53,273
Are you sure you're not sad,

159
00:05:53,342 --> 00:05:54,842
and this is maybe your way

160
00:05:54,910 --> 00:05:56,009
of ignoring your feelings?

161
00:05:56,078 --> 00:05:57,478
Yes, I agree.

162
00:05:57,546 --> 00:05:58,612
We do need to get Grammy

163
00:05:58,681 --> 00:06:00,848
a new business-casual wardrobe,

164
00:06:00,916 --> 00:06:01,982
toot sweet!

165
00:06:02,051 --> 00:06:03,717
- Nope, that's not...
- Mom!

166
00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:09,189
Hey, what's wrong with you, man?

167
00:06:09,258 --> 00:06:10,324
Nothing.

168
00:06:10,392 --> 00:06:11,793
Why, did you find a strange pump?

169
00:06:11,841 --> 00:06:13,995
It's to make my... fingers longer.

170
00:06:14,063 --> 00:06:15,429
No. Hayley.

171
00:06:15,498 --> 00:06:17,130
I was gonna ask her out.
Why would you do that?

172
00:06:17,199 --> 00:06:18,332
Being with a younger woman

173
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,179
makes a man feel good about himself.

174
00:06:20,701 --> 00:06:22,965
Man, you're a real piece of work.

175
00:06:23,124 --> 00:06:25,206
I do so much for you, and
this is the thanks I get?

176
00:06:25,274 --> 00:06:27,040
Look, if it makes you feel any better,

177
00:06:27,384 --> 00:06:28,646
I don't care.

178
00:06:29,012 --> 00:06:30,010
Wow.

179
00:06:30,079 --> 00:06:31,011
You just made

180
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:33,855
a very powerful enemy, Chuck.

181
00:06:34,652 --> 00:06:35,819
Who?

182
00:06:36,185 --> 00:06:37,409
Jigsaw?

183
00:06:38,517 --> 00:06:39,834
Not again.

184
00:06:41,095 --> 00:06:43,563
Hey, this has been so fun and normal,

185
00:06:43,632 --> 00:06:45,632
but maybe it's time you
take Grammy home now.

186
00:06:45,675 --> 00:06:46,841
No, no, we can't go home yet.

187
00:06:46,866 --> 00:06:48,032
We're trying to find her a man.

188
00:06:48,101 --> 00:06:49,267
What? No! Why?

189
00:06:49,336 --> 00:06:50,270
Why not?

190
00:06:50,339 --> 00:06:51,869
This is her second chance at life

191
00:06:51,938 --> 00:06:53,037
and at love.

192
00:06:53,106 --> 00:06:55,039
Look, I love Pop-Pop,

193
00:06:55,108 --> 00:06:57,075
but he wasn't Grammy's Mr. Right.

194
00:06:57,143 --> 00:06:58,776
He was just her Mr. Right Now.

195
00:06:58,845 --> 00:07:00,478
For 70 years?

196
00:07:00,547 --> 00:07:01,879
He's a slob!

197
00:07:01,948 --> 00:07:03,448
All he does is watch dog shows

198
00:07:03,516 --> 00:07:05,216
and criticize the dogs.

199
00:07:05,285 --> 00:07:07,819
They're the best dogs in the world.

200
00:07:07,887 --> 00:07:09,587
"You try it," I said.

201
00:07:09,656 --> 00:07:11,456
Mm-hm. That's why I'm setting up

202
00:07:11,524 --> 00:07:12,943
her Tinder profile.

203
00:07:13,293 --> 00:07:14,325
Okay, Mom,

204
00:07:14,394 --> 00:07:16,594
what are you looking for in a man?

205
00:07:16,663 --> 00:07:18,296
A big raccoon coat,

206
00:07:18,365 --> 00:07:19,797
a straw hat,

207
00:07:19,866 --> 00:07:22,700
and holding a little
pennant that says "college."

208
00:07:22,769 --> 00:07:24,758
Okay, Mom? Mom?

209
00:07:25,138 --> 00:07:27,972
I have given up trying
to find someone at age 30.

210
00:07:27,997 --> 00:07:29,414
What makes you think

211
00:07:29,458 --> 00:07:31,643
that Grammy's going to
find her dream man at 90?

212
00:07:31,711 --> 00:07:34,712
You are so negative, like
that mean psychic who said

213
00:07:34,781 --> 00:07:37,181
I was going to shrink down
to the height I am now.

214
00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:40,485
Great, looks like you've got
everything here out of control.

215
00:07:40,553 --> 00:07:42,420
I'm going out with Portia tonight.

216
00:07:42,489 --> 00:07:44,522
Best of luck doing whatever you're doing.

217
00:07:44,591 --> 00:07:47,717
Well, that sounds good.
Okay, have fun, Katie.

218
00:07:48,228 --> 00:07:50,395
Hey, tonight, we're going out.

219
00:07:50,463 --> 00:07:52,096
Honestly, Katie, I'm
really not in the mood.

220
00:07:52,165 --> 00:07:54,298
Oh, come on! I just got a bikini wax.

221
00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:55,833
Well, I accidentally sat on a candle,

222
00:07:55,902 --> 00:07:57,869
but you can't argue with the results.

223
00:07:58,627 --> 00:07:59,767
Fine.

224
00:08:00,940 --> 00:08:03,390
We apologize for the
premature reporting earlier,

225
00:08:03,415 --> 00:08:05,315
but we now have confirmation.

226
00:08:05,510 --> 00:08:08,446
The Honey Nut Cheerios bee is dead at 51.

227
00:08:08,779 --> 00:08:10,463
- Chuck?
- Thanks, Portia.

228
00:08:11,184 --> 00:08:13,518
everybody talks about them,

229
00:08:13,586 --> 00:08:16,454
but this reporter decided to talk to them.

230
00:08:16,523 --> 00:08:18,122
That's this week's installment

231
00:08:18,191 --> 00:08:19,957
of "Chuck Cares."

232
00:08:22,562 --> 00:08:24,495
When most of us think of rural America,

233
00:08:24,564 --> 00:08:27,065
we think of a bear playing a banjo,

234
00:08:27,133 --> 00:08:29,267
but there are also people living here.

235
00:08:29,335 --> 00:08:32,564
Good, decent people, the
backbone of our country.

236
00:08:33,316 --> 00:08:34,446
Oh, for God's sake!

237
00:08:34,446 --> 00:08:35,907
I told them not to use this take.

238
00:08:35,975 --> 00:08:37,442
Look, I have spinach in my teeth!

239
00:08:37,510 --> 00:08:39,544
I'm outside the home of Grover Simons,

240
00:08:39,612 --> 00:08:41,846
who, like many residents
of this Kentucky town,

241
00:08:41,915 --> 00:08:45,618
found himself unemployed
when the steel mills closed.

242
00:08:46,119 --> 00:08:47,552
Wait, this is the house?

243
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,454
I'm supposed to go in there?

244
00:08:49,522 --> 00:08:51,022
Why are they showing this?

245
00:08:51,091 --> 00:08:52,890
Yeah, we lost all our possessions.

246
00:08:53,253 --> 00:08:55,411
Oh, my God, that is so sad.

247
00:08:55,995 --> 00:08:57,261
I'm sorry, I was just

248
00:08:57,330 --> 00:08:58,930
watching "Marley and Me" on my phone.

249
00:08:58,998 --> 00:09:00,665
You have a big TV we could watch it on?

250
00:09:00,734 --> 00:09:02,200
Who cut this together?

251
00:09:03,303 --> 00:09:04,368
Now this shot

252
00:09:04,437 --> 00:09:05,837
just goes under my voice-over,

253
00:09:05,905 --> 00:09:07,805
so it really doesn't
matter what we say here.

254
00:09:07,874 --> 00:09:10,283
Anyway, I'm not saying
I'm attracted to dolphins,

255
00:09:10,525 --> 00:09:14,078
but if I had to screw an
animal to save my life,

256
00:09:14,147 --> 00:09:15,847
I think the choice would be easy.

257
00:09:15,915 --> 00:09:17,715
It would be a dolphin,
'cause they're smooth,

258
00:09:17,784 --> 00:09:19,417
and they may be able to talk back.

259
00:09:19,486 --> 00:09:22,386
Greg, this man just made
me look like il buffone.

260
00:09:22,455 --> 00:09:24,104
You did that to yourself, pal.

261
00:09:24,174 --> 00:09:25,957
Now back off Hayley, or
the next "Chuck Cares"

262
00:09:26,025 --> 00:09:27,358
will be that Katrina benefit you did

263
00:09:27,427 --> 00:09:28,760
as an old, black jazz man.

264
00:09:28,828 --> 00:09:31,222
You keep Scat Bones Tremé out of this.

265
00:09:31,247 --> 00:09:32,914
Greg, I can't work with him anymore.

266
00:09:33,133 --> 00:09:35,433
Yeah, it's either him or me.

267
00:09:36,090 --> 00:09:37,350
Oh, pumpkin...

268
00:09:38,805 --> 00:09:41,506
♪ Rapido, rapido ♪

269
00:09:41,574 --> 00:09:43,174
Hey, guys, who's up for some

270
00:09:43,243 --> 00:09:44,709
no-strings-attached
fun tonight?

271
00:09:44,778 --> 00:09:46,577
Excuse me, miss. We're a group of husbands

272
00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:48,579
who like to hang out and dance together.

273
00:09:48,648 --> 00:09:52,283
♪ Vamonos, vamonos ♪

274
00:09:54,454 --> 00:09:56,654
Hey, it's been fun and
all, but I'm pretty tired.

275
00:09:56,723 --> 00:09:58,589
I think I'm gonna call it a night.

276
00:09:58,658 --> 00:10:01,058
Wait, no, no, no! We were
just about to get crazy.

277
00:10:01,127 --> 00:10:03,127
All we need is another
round of drinks and...

278
00:10:03,196 --> 00:10:04,362
my mom?

279
00:10:04,430 --> 00:10:05,875
Why would we need your mom?

280
00:10:05,875 --> 00:10:07,575
Oh, does she have old people meds?

281
00:10:07,644 --> 00:10:08,943
Here come the cougars!

282
00:10:09,012 --> 00:10:11,613
Wha... what are you doing?

283
00:10:11,681 --> 00:10:13,081
Tinder was taking too long,

284
00:10:13,149 --> 00:10:14,916
so we decided to come to the club like you

285
00:10:14,985 --> 00:10:16,217
to find Grammy a man.

286
00:10:16,286 --> 00:10:18,241
Okay, obviously I'm in hell.

287
00:10:18,311 --> 00:10:20,688
I knew I died that time
I tried Barry's Bootcamp.

288
00:10:20,757 --> 00:10:22,890
Why is it so loud in here?

289
00:10:22,959 --> 00:10:24,959
Excuse me, could you turn
down the music, please,

290
00:10:25,028 --> 00:10:27,228
so I can talk to my
daughter and her friend?

291
00:10:27,297 --> 00:10:31,284
And may I have a soup menu, please?

292
00:10:33,420 --> 00:10:35,803
Can't believe my mom and grandma showed up,

293
00:10:35,803 --> 00:10:37,491
and they brought freaking Angie.

294
00:10:37,581 --> 00:10:39,715
Wango tango, baby!

295
00:10:39,784 --> 00:10:42,104
So, this is your daughter.

296
00:10:42,148 --> 00:10:44,553
You're right, she does look
like a young Liz Taylor.

297
00:10:44,622 --> 00:10:47,122
No, I'm the daughter,
and this is my mother,

298
00:10:47,191 --> 00:10:49,658
who I said looks like a
present-day Liz Taylor,

299
00:10:49,727 --> 00:10:52,094
and that is a
30-year-old child.

300
00:10:52,163 --> 00:10:53,762
Get out of here, you sicko.

301
00:10:53,831 --> 00:10:55,597
Mom, you gotta get out of here, okay?

302
00:10:55,666 --> 00:10:56,732
Grammy's too old for this.

303
00:10:56,801 --> 00:10:58,400
Oh, don't be a hater, Katie.

304
00:10:58,469 --> 00:11:00,803
Oh, look, she's dancing!

305
00:11:02,039 --> 00:11:03,339
Mom, she's 90.

306
00:11:03,407 --> 00:11:06,275
That is too old to be
dancing or meeting a man

307
00:11:06,344 --> 00:11:08,344
or getting a second chance at life.

308
00:11:08,412 --> 00:11:10,012
But she's just listening to her heart.

309
00:11:10,081 --> 00:11:11,613
No, she's not.

310
00:11:11,682 --> 00:11:13,882
You know what her heart is probably saying?

311
00:11:13,951 --> 00:11:16,011
"Whee! Almost done!"

312
00:11:16,269 --> 00:11:18,152
Mom, you're putting this woman through hell

313
00:11:18,222 --> 00:11:19,521
because you are in denial

314
00:11:19,590 --> 00:11:21,711
about the fact that one of these days,

315
00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:23,088
Grammy is gonna die.

316
00:11:27,669 --> 00:11:30,132
Come along, Grammy. It's time to go.

317
00:11:30,587 --> 00:11:32,653
Katherine. Portia.

318
00:11:32,722 --> 00:11:35,902
DJ Piss Party, thank you
for lowering the music.

319
00:11:46,692 --> 00:11:48,703
I am so sorry about last night, Portia.

320
00:11:48,772 --> 00:11:50,371
My mom is out of control.

321
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:52,173
It's okay. It wasn't Carol's fault.

322
00:11:52,242 --> 00:11:53,875
You're right. Angie's the real problem.

323
00:11:53,927 --> 00:11:55,504
After you left last night,

324
00:11:55,556 --> 00:11:57,156
she tried PCP and stabbed a guy.

325
00:11:57,225 --> 00:11:58,746
No, I mean, last night would have sucked,

326
00:11:58,771 --> 00:11:59,790
no matter what.

327
00:11:59,815 --> 00:12:01,215
I kinda hate going out these days.

328
00:12:01,284 --> 00:12:02,617
What are you talking about?

329
00:12:02,685 --> 00:12:04,118
You won Most Schwasted Party Peep

330
00:12:04,187 --> 00:12:05,720
at the Kids' Choice Awards.

331
00:12:05,789 --> 00:12:08,022
I'm just sick of people
Snapchatting my every move

332
00:12:08,091 --> 00:12:09,657
and trying to twist it into a scandal.

333
00:12:09,726 --> 00:12:12,563
It's like I can't be myself
because I always have to be

334
00:12:12,829 --> 00:12:13,928
"Portia."

335
00:12:13,997 --> 00:12:15,797
Oh, wow. I never thought about it

336
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:17,732
that way. Every day for you

337
00:12:17,801 --> 00:12:19,333
is like the time my boob fell out

338
00:12:19,402 --> 00:12:20,879
in the "Today Show" window.

339
00:12:21,371 --> 00:12:22,437
Pitbull was on,

340
00:12:22,505 --> 00:12:23,805
and you gots to jump to Pitbull.

341
00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:26,607
Look, I love my life, but sometimes,

342
00:12:26,676 --> 00:12:28,609
I just want to dance
like no one's watching,

343
00:12:28,678 --> 00:12:31,012
you know, let my body do whatever it wants,

344
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,581
but I can't, because
someone is always watching.

345
00:12:33,650 --> 00:12:36,317
My public persona is a panopticon, Katie.

346
00:12:36,342 --> 00:12:37,935
A panopticon.

347
00:12:37,979 --> 00:12:39,312
Ugh, and I made you go out anyway.

348
00:12:39,380 --> 00:12:40,880
Why didn't you tell me?

349
00:12:40,949 --> 00:12:42,215
I did. You've been so focused

350
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:43,316
on your own thing, it's like

351
00:12:43,384 --> 00:12:45,070
you don't even hear me.

352
00:12:45,553 --> 00:12:47,493
It's not my fault. He was a chair

353
00:12:47,518 --> 00:12:49,075
right before I sat down.

354
00:12:49,193 --> 00:12:51,763
God, this is all because
I live in a panopticon.

355
00:12:51,846 --> 00:12:54,427
Sounds like we both need
to let off some steam.

356
00:12:54,554 --> 00:12:56,708
Hey, tonight, we're going out.

357
00:12:56,751 --> 00:12:58,918
Honestly, Katie, I live in a panopticon.

358
00:12:58,943 --> 00:13:00,314
Come on!

359
00:13:01,112 --> 00:13:03,512
I am so sorry about last night.

360
00:13:03,581 --> 00:13:05,414
I said I live in a panopticon!

361
00:13:05,483 --> 00:13:07,431
Please, why won't you listen?

362
00:13:07,919 --> 00:13:09,904
Oh, God!

363
00:13:10,187 --> 00:13:12,221
I've been trying so hard to distract myself

364
00:13:12,290 --> 00:13:13,889
from my crappy love life

365
00:13:13,958 --> 00:13:15,824
that I haven't been listening to you,

366
00:13:15,893 --> 00:13:18,327
or my mom, or Grammy, or Great-Grammy.

367
00:13:18,396 --> 00:13:20,162
She's dead, but she's been
appearing in my dreams,

368
00:13:20,231 --> 00:13:22,331
saying someone named
Jonathan needs my help.

369
00:13:22,867 --> 00:13:24,310
Katie,

370
00:13:24,594 --> 00:13:26,327
I think you know what you need to do.

371
00:13:27,204 --> 00:13:28,237
Get out of my dressing room

372
00:13:28,306 --> 00:13:29,438
and don't follow up with me

373
00:13:29,507 --> 00:13:30,912
about how this turns out.

374
00:13:32,143 --> 00:13:33,676
Hopefully, Doug will work out better

375
00:13:33,744 --> 00:13:34,772
than Justin,

376
00:13:34,804 --> 00:13:36,177
or Justin's predecessor,

377
00:13:36,202 --> 00:13:37,913
who's now living very comfortably

378
00:13:37,982 --> 00:13:40,015
thanks to the network's
out-of-court settlement.

379
00:13:40,084 --> 00:13:41,183
Can't be that comfortable.

380
00:13:41,252 --> 00:13:43,385
I hit him pretty hard with my car.

381
00:13:43,454 --> 00:13:44,846
Allegedly.

382
00:13:47,263 --> 00:13:49,007
You know, I haven't
spent much time in here,

383
00:13:49,038 --> 00:13:50,788
because I trusted Justin

384
00:13:50,827 --> 00:13:52,493
till he stabbed me in the back.

385
00:13:52,562 --> 00:13:54,595
Well, I put together a cut
of your interview with Putin.

386
00:13:56,799 --> 00:13:59,205
Mr. Putin, do you know Yakov Smirnoff?

387
00:13:59,205 --> 00:14:01,302
Okay, stop right there.
That's a good start,

388
00:14:01,371 --> 00:14:02,703
but you'll do a pore pass, right,

389
00:14:02,772 --> 00:14:04,279
where you eliminate all my pores,

390
00:14:04,304 --> 00:14:06,204
make me look like a beautiful Korean boy?

391
00:14:06,229 --> 00:14:08,062
- Uh, no, not gonna do that.
- What?

392
00:14:08,131 --> 00:14:09,630
But that's a basic thing editors do,

393
00:14:09,699 --> 00:14:11,566
like adjusting the newsman's voice

394
00:14:11,634 --> 00:14:12,900
to make him sound more manly,

395
00:14:12,969 --> 00:14:14,869
or bringing him homemade empanadas

396
00:14:14,894 --> 00:14:16,002
for him to snack on,

397
00:14:16,046 --> 00:14:17,839
or letting the newsman lie on your couch

398
00:14:17,907 --> 00:14:19,958
to tell stories of his early traumas.

399
00:14:19,958 --> 00:14:21,472
None of that is part of the job.

400
00:14:21,893 --> 00:14:23,192
If this Justin guy was doing that for you,

401
00:14:23,261 --> 00:14:24,870
that means he's a bad editor.

402
00:14:26,045 --> 00:14:28,587
Or... a good friend.

403
00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:31,828
Which is why you need someone, uh,

404
00:14:31,828 --> 00:14:33,795
with life experience like me

405
00:14:33,863 --> 00:14:35,730
to be the next Bachelorette.

406
00:14:35,799 --> 00:14:38,299
Okay, it's still coming
across a little dowdy,

407
00:14:38,368 --> 00:14:40,468
Now remember, we're looking for wise,

408
00:14:40,537 --> 00:14:43,318
but still a whore. Okay?

409
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:44,563
Knock, knock.

410
00:14:44,894 --> 00:14:46,027
Oh, look who's here.

411
00:14:46,095 --> 00:14:48,527
Hello, moving blur.

412
00:14:49,632 --> 00:14:51,699
Could I offer you a snack?

413
00:14:51,768 --> 00:14:54,435
Hey, Mom, I really wanna apologize

414
00:14:54,504 --> 00:14:55,603
to you for accusing you of

415
00:14:55,672 --> 00:14:57,138
being in denial of your feelings

416
00:14:57,206 --> 00:14:58,806
when I was doing the exact same thing.

417
00:14:58,875 --> 00:15:00,841
I was just down on love,

418
00:15:00,910 --> 00:15:02,810
and I took it out on you and Grammy,

419
00:15:02,879 --> 00:15:06,194
but maybe, things aren't so hopeless.

420
00:15:07,250 --> 00:15:09,283
Oh, hey, Dad!

421
00:15:09,352 --> 00:15:10,317
Oh...

422
00:15:10,386 --> 00:15:11,652
Katie, this isn't a good idea.

423
00:15:11,721 --> 00:15:13,421
I told you that Grammy's sick of Pop-Pop.

424
00:15:13,489 --> 00:15:14,755
Yeah, the old Pop-Pop.

425
00:15:14,824 --> 00:15:16,724
Look, Grammy, he dressed up for you.

426
00:15:16,793 --> 00:15:18,059
Tell her what you told me.

427
00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:20,928
I'll stop complaining about dog shows.

428
00:15:20,997 --> 00:15:22,496
There, I said it.

429
00:15:22,565 --> 00:15:24,932
Can I have my hat from the war back?

430
00:15:25,001 --> 00:15:26,600
It's too late, Ralph!

431
00:15:26,669 --> 00:15:28,335
I don't want to waste time on you

432
00:15:28,404 --> 00:15:30,871
when I can find who I'm meant to be with!

433
00:15:31,252 --> 00:15:34,086
Good, because I don't
want you back, either!

434
00:15:34,155 --> 00:15:36,155
Mom, help me out here.
Can you just tell her

435
00:15:36,224 --> 00:15:37,289
to give him another chance?

436
00:15:37,358 --> 00:15:39,158
Why? Why should she settle

437
00:15:39,227 --> 00:15:41,111
on the first guy that comes along?

438
00:15:41,111 --> 00:15:42,172
Mom, you know what?

439
00:15:42,172 --> 00:15:44,132
This is all your fault.
You got her hopes up,

440
00:15:44,169 --> 00:15:46,235
and you filled her head with insane ideas

441
00:15:46,304 --> 00:15:47,557
like you always do.

442
00:15:47,557 --> 00:15:49,357
"Katie, you'll definitely get into Harvard.

443
00:15:49,426 --> 00:15:51,426
Don't apply anywhere
else, or you'll jinx it."

444
00:15:51,495 --> 00:15:54,329
"Katie, true love exists.
You just have to find it

445
00:15:54,398 --> 00:15:56,999
and be constantly bummed
out along the way."

446
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:58,901
Just because you've given up

447
00:15:58,969 --> 00:16:00,569
on having a happy ending

448
00:16:00,638 --> 00:16:02,271
doesn't mean that Grandma should have to.

449
00:16:02,339 --> 00:16:03,460
Right, Grammy?

450
00:16:05,190 --> 00:16:06,776
Wait, where's Grammy?

451
00:16:10,698 --> 00:16:11,913
Oh, my God.

452
00:16:11,970 --> 00:16:13,336
She's doing it!

453
00:16:13,403 --> 00:16:16,243
She's driving at 90. See, Katie?

454
00:16:16,268 --> 00:16:17,472
She is.

455
00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:19,684
Maybe you're right. It's not too late.

456
00:16:19,684 --> 00:16:20,950
Anything is possible...

457
00:16:21,019 --> 00:16:22,776
No, it's not. No, it's not.

458
00:16:23,321 --> 00:16:24,887
- Oh.
- Oh.

459
00:16:24,956 --> 00:16:26,055
This is bad.

460
00:16:29,515 --> 00:16:31,427
Mom, are you okay?

461
00:16:31,639 --> 00:16:32,771
Wow,

462
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,561
how are you running so fast?

463
00:16:40,754 --> 00:16:41,754
Oh, my God!

464
00:16:42,123 --> 00:16:43,355
My mailbox!

465
00:16:43,424 --> 00:16:45,991
Now how will I receive my
overreaction medication?

466
00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:47,193
It's okay. You've had

467
00:16:47,261 --> 00:16:49,074
a really confusing week, Grammy.

468
00:16:49,099 --> 00:16:51,330
My mother never should have pressured you

469
00:16:51,399 --> 00:16:54,577
into driving or finding
a man or trying stand-up.

470
00:16:54,624 --> 00:16:55,935
Did you ever notice

471
00:16:56,003 --> 00:16:57,903
all of your friends are dead?

472
00:16:57,972 --> 00:16:59,917
What's that about?

473
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:02,536
You're right.

474
00:17:02,699 --> 00:17:04,799
I was in denial, okay?

475
00:17:04,868 --> 00:17:06,935
I was sad that Grammy's choices

476
00:17:07,003 --> 00:17:08,536
were to be alone or to be miserable

477
00:17:08,605 --> 00:17:10,497
for the last few years of her life.

478
00:17:10,904 --> 00:17:12,603
I don't like hopeless situations.

479
00:17:12,672 --> 00:17:15,239
That's why I watch "Titanic" in reverse.

480
00:17:15,308 --> 00:17:16,908
The guy shot out of the ocean,

481
00:17:16,976 --> 00:17:18,050
and he fixed the boat,

482
00:17:18,075 --> 00:17:20,046
and he erased the dirty drawing,

483
00:17:20,246 --> 00:17:22,280
and he danced a jig.

484
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:25,336
Mom, I get it. I get it.

485
00:17:25,361 --> 00:17:27,084
When you realize stuff
isn't gonna work out,

486
00:17:27,153 --> 00:17:28,404
it's a bummer.

487
00:17:29,188 --> 00:17:30,855
Jeremy and I barely dated,

488
00:17:30,924 --> 00:17:33,611
and it was the most serious
relationship I've had in years.

489
00:17:34,426 --> 00:17:37,461
But I mean, that's life. You know?

490
00:17:37,530 --> 00:17:39,692
Not everybody gets their happy ending.

491
00:17:40,506 --> 00:17:41,827
Roberta?

492
00:17:42,635 --> 00:17:44,715
No, it can't be.

493
00:17:45,271 --> 00:17:46,771
Walter?

494
00:17:47,087 --> 00:17:49,241
I thought you died in the war!

495
00:17:49,309 --> 00:17:51,309
What are you doing here?

496
00:17:51,377 --> 00:17:52,821
My daughter lives here.

497
00:17:53,146 --> 00:17:54,645
Didn't you get my letters?

498
00:17:54,714 --> 00:17:56,480
- No.
- I told you

499
00:17:56,549 --> 00:17:57,948
I'd come back for you.

500
00:17:58,774 --> 00:18:00,123
I guess you'd say

501
00:18:01,487 --> 00:18:03,621
I took the long way home.

502
00:18:07,764 --> 00:18:09,939
What the dick is happening?

503
00:18:12,732 --> 00:18:15,433
So Grammy found the love of her life.

504
00:18:15,702 --> 00:18:18,501
I can't believe this worked out.

505
00:18:18,738 --> 00:18:20,671
Seriously, what are the chances?

506
00:18:20,740 --> 00:18:22,239
Pretty slim, but if you give up,

507
00:18:22,308 --> 00:18:24,041
there's no chance at all.

508
00:18:24,110 --> 00:18:25,343
You know, honey, sometimes,

509
00:18:25,411 --> 00:18:26,644
you have to just keep driving

510
00:18:26,713 --> 00:18:28,786
until you hit the right mailbox.

511
00:18:30,583 --> 00:18:32,783
_

512
00:18:33,854 --> 00:18:35,617
No. You know what? No.

513
00:18:36,322 --> 00:18:38,551
I'm gonna wait for my happy ending.

514
00:18:38,937 --> 00:18:40,558
No cell phones!

515
00:18:40,626 --> 00:18:43,134
They mess with the pacemakers.

516
00:18:43,596 --> 00:18:45,029
Oh, I'm sorry.

517
00:18:45,098 --> 00:18:46,330
I'm not shouting at you.

518
00:18:46,399 --> 00:18:47,865
I'm used to talking to deaf people.

519
00:18:47,934 --> 00:18:50,634
Mrs. Connelly, you look beautiful today!

520
00:18:50,703 --> 00:18:52,470
Good luck at bingo!

521
00:18:57,677 --> 00:18:59,146
I hate that guy.

522
00:19:00,824 --> 00:19:01,756
Ah!

523
00:19:01,877 --> 00:19:03,722
The perfect camouflage.

524
00:19:03,791 --> 00:19:05,924
Oh, great. Did you just lure me here

525
00:19:05,993 --> 00:19:07,532
to humiliate me again?

526
00:19:07,667 --> 00:19:09,367
Is this text even from Hayley?

527
00:19:09,434 --> 00:19:11,511
No! That's my butt.

528
00:19:12,604 --> 00:19:15,024
I brought you here, Justin, to apologize.

529
00:19:15,088 --> 00:19:16,525
Well, I'm not gonna do it!

530
00:19:16,525 --> 00:19:18,058
Okay, fine. I'm really sorry.

531
00:19:18,127 --> 00:19:19,741
Not you, Justin... me!

532
00:19:19,996 --> 00:19:21,495
I take you for granted.

533
00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:24,794
From day one, you never
showed my nose hair.

534
00:19:24,794 --> 00:19:26,027
You always cut around it

535
00:19:26,096 --> 00:19:28,006
when I mispronounce an ethnic name.

536
00:19:28,331 --> 00:19:29,764
And you made me seem sober

537
00:19:29,833 --> 00:19:32,433
in my drunken interview
with Peen-e-loupe Cruz.

538
00:19:32,502 --> 00:19:33,534
Penelope Cruz.

539
00:19:33,578 --> 00:19:35,638
I should never have stolen Hayley from you.

540
00:19:35,761 --> 00:19:37,937
I don't need a young
woman to make me feel good.

541
00:19:38,005 --> 00:19:39,371
You do that for me.

542
00:19:39,872 --> 00:19:41,273
You are my Hayley.

543
00:19:41,342 --> 00:19:42,755
Really? Thank you.

544
00:19:42,866 --> 00:19:44,265
And that's why I'm stepping aside.

545
00:19:44,334 --> 00:19:45,567
I think you should ask her out.

546
00:19:45,635 --> 00:19:48,036
So I purchased you two tickets to Paris...

547
00:19:48,105 --> 00:19:50,939
- Wow.
- Jackson's talk show taping.

548
00:19:51,007 --> 00:19:52,373
Oh. Go get her!

549
00:19:52,442 --> 00:19:53,741
Yeah, I'm gonna do it!

550
00:19:53,810 --> 00:19:55,179
Wish me luck.

551
00:19:58,115 --> 00:19:59,114
Huh.

552
00:19:59,637 --> 00:20:02,283
Okay, it's possible she
didn't like either of us

553
00:20:02,352 --> 00:20:03,870
and was just being polite

554
00:20:03,895 --> 00:20:05,753
because she works in the service industry.

555
00:20:09,747 --> 00:20:12,160
You keep dragging me
places I don't want to go!

556
00:20:12,229 --> 00:20:14,963
The club, here, Chili's on the way here...

557
00:20:15,031 --> 00:20:16,397
All right, all right, all right,

558
00:20:16,466 --> 00:20:18,333
but I think you're gonna like this.

559
00:20:18,573 --> 00:20:19,883
Ta-da!

560
00:20:19,908 --> 00:20:21,307
Hey, I don't know if I
have the power to do this,

561
00:20:21,377 --> 00:20:22,309
but you're fired.

562
00:20:22,378 --> 00:20:23,878
No, no, think about it.

563
00:20:23,981 --> 00:20:25,698
Cell phones aren't allowed here.

564
00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:27,281
You wanted to dance like nobody's watching.

565
00:20:27,350 --> 00:20:28,449
Well, no one is,

566
00:20:28,517 --> 00:20:29,450
'cause they don't know who you are

567
00:20:29,518 --> 00:20:30,451
and they all have cataracts!

568
00:20:30,519 --> 00:20:31,518
Hit it, Mom!

569
00:20:32,755 --> 00:20:34,421
You finally listened.

570
00:20:34,857 --> 00:20:37,358
Oh, my God, thank you so much, Katie.

571
00:20:37,974 --> 00:20:40,194
And I'm gonna talk to Greg
about getting you re-hired.

572
00:20:40,364 --> 00:20:41,428
Thank you.

573
00:20:51,507 --> 00:20:53,273
Oh, my God, she was right.

574
00:20:53,342 --> 00:20:55,309
Nobody should be watching that.

575
00:21:00,526 --> 00:21:03,660
_

576
00:21:03,864 --> 00:21:06,276
_

577
00:21:06,300 --> 00:21:08,300
_

578
00:21:08,357 --> 00:21:10,395
This is a nice moment!