1
00:00:01,070 --> 00:00:02,732
Ooh, it's starting.

2
00:00:03,216 --> 00:00:05,807
You know, you're the
first guy I ever texted

3
00:00:05,809 --> 00:00:07,953
"C-SPAN and chill?" who actually responded.

4
00:00:08,002 --> 00:00:10,002
Yeah, sorry it took so long to do this.

5
00:00:10,071 --> 00:00:11,532
My schedule has just been crazy.

6
00:00:11,823 --> 00:00:13,924
Oh, congressman sleeping
in the back... drink.

7
00:00:14,127 --> 00:00:15,927
Mm, streaker, drink.

8
00:00:15,996 --> 00:00:17,896
No, wait, that's just Nancy Pelosi

9
00:00:17,964 --> 00:00:19,181
wearing a nude-colored pantsuit.

10
00:00:20,518 --> 00:00:22,438
Excuse me, Mr. Speaker,

11
00:00:22,687 --> 00:00:24,638
I call to the bedroom floor

12
00:00:24,663 --> 00:00:27,047
the Senator from Sex-achusetts.

13
00:00:27,092 --> 00:00:28,257
Oh, hey, I gotta go.

14
00:00:28,326 --> 00:00:29,984
What? Wait, why?

15
00:00:30,185 --> 00:00:32,518
Oh, no, is it 'cause
of the burnt bone smell?

16
00:00:32,587 --> 00:00:34,420
My neighbors practice Santería.

17
00:00:34,489 --> 00:00:37,123
I would complain, but sometimes
I cough up gold coins...

18
00:00:37,192 --> 00:00:38,458
No, it's just something really important

19
00:00:38,526 --> 00:00:39,933
has just come up, I'm so sorry.

20
00:00:46,801 --> 00:00:47,831
Yeah.

21
00:00:51,172 --> 00:00:53,606
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

22
00:00:53,990 --> 00:00:54,941
Hey.

23
00:00:55,010 --> 00:00:56,609
I just got a very promising lead.

24
00:00:56,678 --> 00:00:58,044
You know that vegan health food brand,

25
00:00:58,113 --> 00:00:59,380
Smug Meadow Farms?

26
00:00:59,474 --> 00:01:00,613
Oh, yeah, yeah,

27
00:01:00,682 --> 00:01:02,482
I love their dried prune snacks.

28
00:01:02,550 --> 00:01:03,993
They totally clean me out

29
00:01:04,264 --> 00:01:05,770
because they're so expensive.

30
00:01:06,265 --> 00:01:08,198
- Money, not poop.
- I just got a tip

31
00:01:08,267 --> 00:01:09,232
that they haven't been disclosing

32
00:01:09,301 --> 00:01:10,432
all of their ingredients,

33
00:01:10,457 --> 00:01:11,823
and there's no one to hold them accountable

34
00:01:11,848 --> 00:01:13,195
ever since the president
replace the head of the FDA

35
00:01:13,264 --> 00:01:14,529
with Chester Cheetah.

36
00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:16,292
Oh, my God, that's huge.

37
00:01:17,123 --> 00:01:19,880
And of course, you're gonna
give the story to Gene.

38
00:01:19,905 --> 00:01:21,273
Well, it's not fair, man.

39
00:01:21,327 --> 00:01:22,893
I work longer hours than everyone here.

40
00:01:22,962 --> 00:01:24,094
No, Katie, I'm telling you

41
00:01:24,163 --> 00:01:25,951
because I want you to produce it.

42
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,798
I totally agree. You work really hard.

43
00:01:27,867 --> 00:01:28,963
Okay, cool, yeah.

44
00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:30,474
If you want me to do
it, I'll do it, whatever.

45
00:01:31,194 --> 00:01:32,653
Ugh, come on.

46
00:01:32,653 --> 00:01:35,223
Oh, I'm so in love I have
to get flowers at work

47
00:01:35,255 --> 00:01:37,155
to prove I'm in a good relationship.

48
00:01:37,223 --> 00:01:38,523
Ooh, they're for me.

49
00:01:38,548 --> 00:01:40,176
This is proof I'm in a good relationship.

50
00:01:40,493 --> 00:01:41,734
Who's the guy?

51
00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:43,600
Are you still dating
that McDonald's janitor?

52
00:01:43,669 --> 00:01:45,482
No, and he wasn't a McDonald's janitor

53
00:01:45,507 --> 00:01:46,524
when I dated him.

54
00:01:46,524 --> 00:01:47,990
He got fired for shoving a kid.

55
00:01:47,990 --> 00:01:49,941
No, this is a new guy I'm seeing... Jeremy.

56
00:01:51,078 --> 00:01:52,540
Why'd he get you flowers?

57
00:01:52,587 --> 00:01:54,419
Oh, 'cause he had to bail
on our date last night.

58
00:01:54,474 --> 00:01:56,340
- Isn't that sweet?
- More like shady.

59
00:01:56,401 --> 00:01:58,334
Guys only send flowers for three reasons...

60
00:01:58,403 --> 00:02:00,443
Anniversary, Valentine's Day,

61
00:02:00,443 --> 00:02:01,761
got Amber Rose pregnant.

62
00:02:01,761 --> 00:02:03,494
No, he's just thoughtful,
unlike that janitor.

63
00:02:03,563 --> 00:02:04,829
For our two-month anniversary,

64
00:02:04,898 --> 00:02:06,364
he surprised me with a haircut

65
00:02:06,432 --> 00:02:08,030
while I was asleep.

66
00:02:08,055 --> 00:02:09,051
Tell me this...

67
00:02:09,090 --> 00:02:10,234
Have you ever been to his place?

68
00:02:10,259 --> 00:02:11,492
Well, no, but...

69
00:02:11,561 --> 00:02:12,526
Is he secretive about phone calls?

70
00:02:12,595 --> 00:02:14,195
Yeah, but I mean,

71
00:02:14,263 --> 00:02:15,296
what's wrong with wanting some privacy?

72
00:02:15,364 --> 00:02:16,555
I wish I had some.

73
00:02:16,616 --> 00:02:18,484
My mom insisted on co-sleeping
up until this morning.

74
00:02:18,508 --> 00:02:20,819
I hate to break it to you,
but you're a sidepiece.

75
00:02:20,844 --> 00:02:22,944
This guy has a girlfriend and you ain't it.

76
00:02:23,013 --> 00:02:24,560
No, I'm not a sidepiece.

77
00:02:24,559 --> 00:02:26,626
Sure, and I'm not Banksy.

78
00:02:31,550 --> 00:02:33,183
Hey, Greg, you wanted to see me?

79
00:02:33,208 --> 00:02:34,583
Yes, Carol, unfortunately
someone in the office

80
00:02:34,652 --> 00:02:36,598
filed a complaint against you.

81
00:02:37,536 --> 00:02:40,893
You Japanese have such beautiful hair.

82
00:02:40,982 --> 00:02:42,170
I'm not Japanese.

83
00:02:42,170 --> 00:02:43,836
Oh, good, so I can tell you a funny joke

84
00:02:43,906 --> 00:02:46,445
my father wrote during Pearl Harbor.

85
00:02:46,496 --> 00:02:48,195
You have to attend sensitivity training

86
00:02:48,264 --> 00:02:49,463
today after work.

87
00:02:49,532 --> 00:02:51,599
- Come on, Greg.
- I'm not racist.

88
00:02:51,667 --> 00:02:53,801
It's MMN policy. You have to go.

89
00:02:53,826 --> 00:02:55,726
Fine, can I at least bring Angie

90
00:02:55,795 --> 00:02:57,394
and we go to the Olive
Garden instead of this?

91
00:02:57,463 --> 00:02:58,529
No, Carol!

92
00:02:59,799 --> 00:03:00,999
Okay.

93
00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:08,995
'Sup, Rookie?

94
00:03:08,996 --> 00:03:11,163
Chuck, what are you doing here?

95
00:03:11,232 --> 00:03:12,932
The same thing I've done every night

96
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,566
for the past 11 years.

97
00:03:14,635 --> 00:03:16,635
I've committed so many offenses

98
00:03:16,704 --> 00:03:18,810
I'll be here until the day I die.

99
00:03:19,268 --> 00:03:20,451
Welcome to hell.

100
00:03:22,643 --> 00:03:24,346
So, I take Will Shortz's parking space

101
00:03:24,401 --> 00:03:26,135
and he says, "You'll be sorry."

102
00:03:26,203 --> 00:03:27,703
Now, I think he's gonna turn me into, like,

103
00:03:27,771 --> 00:03:28,871
a snarky crossword clue or something,

104
00:03:28,939 --> 00:03:30,172
then he just beats me to a pulp.

105
00:03:30,241 --> 00:03:31,540
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

106
00:03:31,609 --> 00:03:33,008
Hey, I was thinking,

107
00:03:33,077 --> 00:03:34,710
why don't we go to your place tonight?

108
00:03:34,896 --> 00:03:36,096
Really? Um...

109
00:03:36,164 --> 00:03:37,530
But we always go to your place.

110
00:03:37,599 --> 00:03:38,898
I know, let's switch it up.

111
00:03:38,967 --> 00:03:40,238
Oh.

112
00:03:40,936 --> 00:03:43,174
Uh, I'm so sorry. I gotta take this.

113
00:03:45,439 --> 00:03:47,073
Oh, he's not talking to his girlfriend.

114
00:03:47,142 --> 00:03:48,375
I'm not a sidepiece.

115
00:03:48,443 --> 00:03:49,943
Well, if you'd like to be,

116
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:52,213
Oswald and I have an open relationship.

117
00:03:52,981 --> 00:03:53,989
Oh.

118
00:03:54,272 --> 00:03:55,282
Pass.

119
00:03:59,711 --> 00:04:01,005
Yeah, that sounds great, honey.

120
00:04:01,005 --> 00:04:02,662
We'll grill franks at
the house this weekend.

121
00:04:03,487 --> 00:04:04,496
Oh, my God.

122
00:04:04,729 --> 00:04:06,129
Portia was right.

123
00:04:06,213 --> 00:04:08,084
I am a sidepiece.

124
00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:09,388
Ooh...

125
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:12,642
I told you no, young lady!

126
00:04:13,428 --> 00:04:14,519
Good evening.

127
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,521
My name is Joyce and I'll be conducting

128
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,089
your sensitivity training.

129
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,457
Please do pay attention.

130
00:04:19,526 --> 00:04:20,959
There will be a quiz at the end.

131
00:04:21,027 --> 00:04:22,160
That should be easy for me.

132
00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,716
I'm not racist against anyone...

133
00:04:24,064 --> 00:04:25,964
except Italians from Bologna.

134
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:28,233
May their tails get caught in a windmill.

135
00:04:28,301 --> 00:04:30,177
Sensitivity is about

136
00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,829
making work a "safe space"

137
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:36,808
so no one is made to feel
"less than" or "other."

138
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:40,044
An easy place to start
is with gender semantics.

139
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:42,247
Now, say you work with a cisgender male

140
00:04:42,315 --> 00:04:44,082
who identifies as homosexual.

141
00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:46,985
What would be an
appropriate pronoun to use?

142
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,007
RuPaul?

143
00:04:51,613 --> 00:04:52,546
No.

144
00:04:58,845 --> 00:05:01,081
You got one right? Nerd.

145
00:05:01,156 --> 00:05:02,355
I don't understand.

146
00:05:02,424 --> 00:05:04,124
How did I fail?

147
00:05:05,226 --> 00:05:07,593
Does this mean that I'm a bad person?

148
00:05:07,662 --> 00:05:09,429
No, of course not, Carol.

149
00:05:09,497 --> 00:05:11,664
It's the stupid PC
culture. That's the problem.

150
00:05:11,733 --> 00:05:13,533
There's a new offensive word every day.

151
00:05:13,601 --> 00:05:15,601
It's bad to call someone sissy now?

152
00:05:15,789 --> 00:05:17,489
That was my mother's name!

153
00:05:17,558 --> 00:05:19,530
Yeah, I'm nice.

154
00:05:19,530 --> 00:05:20,963
I don't see color.

155
00:05:21,031 --> 00:05:23,031
I once walked into a black church

156
00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,967
and I didn't even notice until
I realized I was having fun!

157
00:05:26,036 --> 00:05:27,402
People are too sensitive these days.

158
00:05:27,471 --> 00:05:29,170
It's not us that needs to change.

159
00:05:29,239 --> 00:05:30,872
You know who really
needs to learn a lesson?

160
00:05:30,941 --> 00:05:32,207
Everyone in this office

161
00:05:32,275 --> 00:05:33,475
besides us.

162
00:05:40,350 --> 00:05:41,726
Katie, Katie.

163
00:05:41,776 --> 00:05:43,579
How's that Smug Meadow Farms piece coming?

164
00:05:43,604 --> 00:05:45,404
Great... I spent all morning on the phone

165
00:05:45,472 --> 00:05:47,506
with a quality control officer
that used to work there.

166
00:05:47,575 --> 00:05:51,339
their vegan protein patties contain meat.

167
00:05:51,579 --> 00:05:52,544
From people?

168
00:05:52,613 --> 00:05:53,943
No, just meat.

169
00:05:54,214 --> 00:05:55,215
Oh.

170
00:05:55,583 --> 00:05:57,235
That's still really bad though, isn't it?

171
00:05:57,418 --> 00:05:58,473
Keep at it.

172
00:06:00,688 --> 00:06:02,469
Hey, Portia, you were right.

173
00:06:02,469 --> 00:06:04,435
Last night I caught Jeremy
talking to his girlfriend.

174
00:06:04,503 --> 00:06:05,717
I'm so sorry.

175
00:06:06,004 --> 00:06:07,574
What did you do to get back at him?

176
00:06:07,605 --> 00:06:10,212
Well, let's just say revenge
is a dish best served cold,

177
00:06:10,293 --> 00:06:13,628
by which I mean I went home
and Postmated an ice cream cake.

178
00:06:13,697 --> 00:06:16,631
Wait, a guy cheated on
you and you did nothing?

179
00:06:16,700 --> 00:06:19,227
Haven't you ever heard of the
country song that I recorded

180
00:06:19,252 --> 00:06:20,790
after my break up with some hockey guy?

181
00:06:20,860 --> 00:06:23,293
♪ What you gonna cheat
with now, you genius? ♪

182
00:06:23,362 --> 00:06:26,063
♪ Now that I've gone and
destroyed your pe... ♪

183
00:06:26,643 --> 00:06:28,944
Jeez, I was just gonna
never speak to him again

184
00:06:29,012 --> 00:06:31,313
and then Facebook-stalk him
and every woman he ever dates

185
00:06:31,382 --> 00:06:32,682
until one of us dies.

186
00:06:32,682 --> 00:06:34,651
Katie, you owe it to yourself

187
00:06:34,651 --> 00:06:37,405
and women everywhere to
make him pay for what he did.

188
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:38,848
But just remember...

189
00:06:38,981 --> 00:06:40,313
If you kill him,

190
00:06:40,374 --> 00:06:42,551
he can't live on to tell your story.

191
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:45,771
Bye, have fun.

192
00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:47,439
Bye.

193
00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,999
Great show, everyone!

194
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,001
Where is everybody?

195
00:06:58,052 --> 00:06:59,385
Oh, for God's sake.

196
00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:00,586
What did you two do?

197
00:07:00,655 --> 00:07:02,321
We didn't do anything.

198
00:07:02,365 --> 00:07:05,176
Your insensitive staff offended us.

199
00:07:05,439 --> 00:07:07,459
- Hey, guys.
- I'm not a guy.

200
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:09,145
Gender discrimination.

201
00:07:10,586 --> 00:07:11,664
God bless you.

202
00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,766
God? Offended!

203
00:07:17,505 --> 00:07:20,506
Oh, so I guess you couldn't
be a delivery woman.

204
00:07:20,574 --> 00:07:21,573
Triggered.

205
00:07:23,621 --> 00:07:24,810
Aw, thanks, dude.

206
00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:25,835
Dude?

207
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,380
I don't identify as a cowboy!

208
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:30,182
I need a safe space!

209
00:07:30,251 --> 00:07:31,584
Gun violence continues...

210
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,252
Guns have triggers.

211
00:07:33,321 --> 00:07:34,415
Triggered!

212
00:07:35,057 --> 00:07:36,689
And we're out. Thanks, guys.

213
00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,060
That was on television.

214
00:07:38,085 --> 00:07:39,780
So you reported the entire staff.

215
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,473
We just wanted to prove that

216
00:07:41,542 --> 00:07:43,842
this PC stuff has gone too far.

217
00:07:43,911 --> 00:07:46,645
Anything could be considered
insensitive these days.

218
00:07:46,714 --> 00:07:49,281
That might have been a
cool take a few years ago,

219
00:07:49,350 --> 00:07:50,749
but this is 2017.

220
00:07:50,818 --> 00:07:52,418
The President just asked Congress

221
00:07:52,486 --> 00:07:54,319
to fund something called Bitch Jail.

222
00:07:54,388 --> 00:07:56,341
There are literal Nazis in the street.

223
00:07:56,407 --> 00:07:57,806
We had one on the show last night.

224
00:07:57,992 --> 00:07:59,858
Wait, that guy with the Hitler haircut

225
00:07:59,883 --> 00:08:01,122
wasn't David Beckham?

226
00:08:01,829 --> 00:08:04,192
Okay, I need to cancel my dinner plans.

227
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,526
Look, you two are by far the
oldest people in the office.

228
00:08:06,595 --> 00:08:08,295
Stop acting like babies.

229
00:08:08,364 --> 00:08:09,329
Ageism!

230
00:08:09,398 --> 00:08:11,698
Joyce, I don't feel safe.

231
00:08:11,984 --> 00:08:15,499
You are going to fry for this.

232
00:08:15,573 --> 00:08:17,344
Chuck, sit down.

233
00:08:18,735 --> 00:08:20,018
I'm afraid he's right.

234
00:08:21,048 --> 00:08:22,790
Okay, Katie, you can do this.

235
00:08:22,908 --> 00:08:24,841
You are a strong, independent woman

236
00:08:24,910 --> 00:08:27,080
and you deserve to drink a
cool, refreshing Gatorade.

237
00:08:27,574 --> 00:08:30,480
Ugh, I should've just paid for
the ad-free affirmations app.

238
00:08:30,744 --> 00:08:31,868
Oh, yeah.

239
00:08:32,479 --> 00:08:34,679
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I like that.

240
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,857
Oh, my God, he's with her right now.

241
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,584
I am gonna destroy your...

242
00:08:39,652 --> 00:08:41,352
Don't stop, no, no, no, more of this.

243
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:42,653
- Wait, what?
- Give it to me, big boy.

244
00:08:42,722 --> 00:08:44,589
Give it... uh, Katie.

245
00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:46,023
What the hell are you doing?

246
00:08:46,092 --> 00:08:47,859
Uh, working.

247
00:08:48,229 --> 00:08:49,360
What are you doing?

248
00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:50,895
I thought you were having sex.

249
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,179
Why would you think that?

250
00:08:52,179 --> 00:08:53,746
Oh, did you hear me
yell "Who's your daddy?"

251
00:08:53,814 --> 00:08:55,278
- when I reached my word count?
- No.

252
00:08:55,303 --> 00:08:56,348
Good, 'cause I didn't.

253
00:08:56,857 --> 00:08:58,690
No, I like my job a normal amount.

254
00:09:01,009 --> 00:09:02,962
Wait, so you're not seeing someone else?

255
00:09:03,017 --> 00:09:05,017
No, no, of course not.

256
00:09:05,019 --> 00:09:06,957
Well, then, how come
we never come back here?

257
00:09:06,982 --> 00:09:08,993
Well, I mean, look at my place.

258
00:09:09,017 --> 00:09:10,330
It's kind of pathetic.

259
00:09:10,330 --> 00:09:12,117
I don't even have a real refrigerator.

260
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,483
I just have an old fan blowing
on a stack of American cheese.

261
00:09:15,809 --> 00:09:16,824
Oh.

262
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:18,790
But why are you so
secretive about your phone?

263
00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:20,625
Well, I gotta protect my sources.

264
00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:21,993
You know, my calls and texts

265
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,161
contain a lot of sensitive information.

266
00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:24,262
Oh.

267
00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:26,014
Maybe I should be doing that.

268
00:09:26,082 --> 00:09:27,382
My password is "password"

269
00:09:27,450 --> 00:09:29,083
and my secret question is "How's it going?"

270
00:09:29,152 --> 00:09:31,319
But no... I heard you talking on the phone.

271
00:09:31,388 --> 00:09:33,321
You called someone "honey"
and said you were gonna

272
00:09:33,390 --> 00:09:35,390
grill franks at the house this weekend.

273
00:09:35,458 --> 00:09:38,259
Yeah, I said I was gonna
grill as in interview

274
00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:41,663
Congressman Trent Franks at
the House of Representatives.

275
00:09:41,731 --> 00:09:43,631
And my editor's name is Hun Ni.

276
00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:44,766
She's Chinese.

277
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:45,967
Oh.

278
00:09:46,036 --> 00:09:47,197
That's her calling right now.

279
00:09:48,519 --> 00:09:50,738
Okay, so I guess we're okay then.

280
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:51,706
Yeah.

281
00:09:52,942 --> 00:09:54,015
Sorry.

282
00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:57,011
Oh, except I think
someone keyed "die bastard"

283
00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:58,382
on the side of your car.

284
00:09:58,476 --> 00:09:59,914
Friggin' Will Shortz.

285
00:09:59,983 --> 00:10:01,449
How do you stop a guy

286
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:02,529
that's got no fear?

287
00:10:03,420 --> 00:10:07,989
So this PC nonsense isn't
so easy, is it, Greg?

288
00:10:08,058 --> 00:10:09,557
How about a friendly wager?

289
00:10:09,626 --> 00:10:11,859
If you pass the sensitivity quiz,

290
00:10:11,928 --> 00:10:13,795
I will end my own life.

291
00:10:13,863 --> 00:10:15,663
- Greg passed.
- No, Greg!

292
00:10:15,732 --> 00:10:16,698
I wanna live!

293
00:10:16,766 --> 00:10:18,333
You call yourself sensitive?

294
00:10:18,401 --> 00:10:20,835
You would let a man die for, what, a bet?

295
00:10:20,904 --> 00:10:22,570
Actually, everyone passed,

296
00:10:22,639 --> 00:10:24,105
except Chuck and Carol.

297
00:10:24,174 --> 00:10:25,840
What? How?

298
00:10:25,909 --> 00:10:28,343
Because we aren't the
problem, Carol, you two are.

299
00:10:28,411 --> 00:10:30,478
Ms. Joyce, is there any
way I can get extra credit?

300
00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,933
Like, stay late and clean the...

301
00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:36,375
African-American board?

302
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:38,052
No.

303
00:10:40,323 --> 00:10:42,190
- Katie?
- How'd you get my real number?

304
00:10:42,258 --> 00:10:43,475
I mean, what's up?

305
00:10:43,553 --> 00:10:45,026
I just wanted to let you know

306
00:10:45,094 --> 00:10:46,894
that you were wrong about Jeremy.

307
00:10:46,963 --> 00:10:48,796
He wasn't cheating; he's
just really into his job,

308
00:10:48,865 --> 00:10:51,108
Right, Jer? Jer?

309
00:10:51,266 --> 00:10:52,186
Jer?

310
00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:53,340
He's so busy.

311
00:10:53,409 --> 00:10:55,676
Anyway, I am not a sidepiece.

312
00:10:55,745 --> 00:10:57,244
Everything is amazing.

313
00:10:57,313 --> 00:10:59,980
No, Katie, dating a
workaholic is so much worse.

314
00:11:00,049 --> 00:11:01,148
Come on,

315
00:11:01,173 --> 00:11:02,310
you never react right.

316
00:11:02,372 --> 00:11:04,731
If work is a guy's first
love, you can't compete.

317
00:11:04,756 --> 00:11:06,277
When I dated Steve Harvey,

318
00:11:06,350 --> 00:11:08,590
the only way that I could
see him was by posing

319
00:11:08,615 --> 00:11:11,004
as a seven-year-old breakdancer
on "Little Big Shots."

320
00:11:11,052 --> 00:11:13,819
Well, that's not a problem
for us, right, Jeremy?

321
00:11:14,075 --> 00:11:14,970
Jeremy?

322
00:11:15,143 --> 00:11:16,128
Jeremy?

323
00:11:16,295 --> 00:11:17,495
Jeremy, please.

324
00:11:19,848 --> 00:11:21,988
You are wrong, and I'm gonna prove it.

325
00:11:24,586 --> 00:11:27,987
Hey, what do you say we take
a little break from work...

326
00:11:29,124 --> 00:11:30,823
My beautiful papers.

327
00:11:30,892 --> 00:11:32,959
Okay, we need to talk.

328
00:11:33,028 --> 00:11:34,777
Look, I get that you love your job.

329
00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,097
I love my job too, but we need to be able

330
00:11:37,137 --> 00:11:38,524
to make time for each other.

331
00:11:38,525 --> 00:11:39,857
I feel like we do that, I mean,

332
00:11:39,926 --> 00:11:41,459
didn't you see where I wrote, "Hey, Katie,"

333
00:11:41,528 --> 00:11:42,527
in the middle of that
prison reform article?

334
00:11:42,595 --> 00:11:43,494
I see what you mean.

335
00:11:45,532 --> 00:11:46,564
Oh, hey guys.

336
00:11:46,633 --> 00:11:48,065
Can I ask you a question?

337
00:11:48,134 --> 00:11:49,500
How did you pass that test?

338
00:11:49,569 --> 00:11:50,894
It was impossible.

339
00:11:50,894 --> 00:11:53,257
That test wasn't hard if
you don't live in a bubble.

340
00:11:53,530 --> 00:11:56,056
Look, I'm black and I
was raised by two dads,

341
00:11:56,144 --> 00:11:58,439
so you can imagine what
my childhood was like.

342
00:11:58,510 --> 00:12:00,070
That must've been tough.

343
00:12:00,642 --> 00:12:02,815
But I'd watch the heck out of that show.

344
00:12:02,884 --> 00:12:05,181
Growing up Jewish in
Alaska wasn't easy either.

345
00:12:05,300 --> 00:12:07,834
It's so cold there,
and I'm afraid of bears.

346
00:12:07,902 --> 00:12:10,953
I don't wanna be insensitive,
guys, but it's confusing.

347
00:12:10,954 --> 00:12:12,395
Greg, Portia.

348
00:12:12,394 --> 00:12:13,993
How are white Americans like us supposed

349
00:12:14,062 --> 00:12:15,595
to keep track of it all?

350
00:12:15,664 --> 00:12:17,897
Um, I'm half black.

351
00:12:18,403 --> 00:12:19,399
What?

352
00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:21,043
- And I'm not American.
- I'm British.

353
00:12:21,075 --> 00:12:22,044
Huh?

354
00:12:22,044 --> 00:12:23,410
But because of my accent,
people always assume

355
00:12:23,479 --> 00:12:25,112
that I know what I'm
talking about, and I don't.

356
00:12:25,181 --> 00:12:26,738
I've got an eighth grade education.

357
00:12:26,895 --> 00:12:28,535
So, you know, American college.

358
00:12:29,035 --> 00:12:31,635
Oh, boo-hoo, we all got our problems.

359
00:12:31,704 --> 00:12:32,748
For example...

360
00:12:34,099 --> 00:12:36,124
I just crushed my
testicles on that banister;

361
00:12:36,149 --> 00:12:37,548
you don't see me crying about it.

362
00:12:37,617 --> 00:12:40,385
No, no, Chuck, I get it now.

363
00:12:40,453 --> 00:12:43,054
It's not this PC stuff that's complicated.

364
00:12:43,123 --> 00:12:45,527
It's people that are complicated.

365
00:12:45,527 --> 00:12:48,155
No, Carol, they are hypnotizing you

366
00:12:48,155 --> 00:12:50,902
with this snowflake nonsense;
don't listen to them.

367
00:12:50,949 --> 00:12:52,091
Listen to me,

368
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:53,737
and look at this enticing coin.

369
00:12:53,762 --> 00:12:55,029
See it shine?

370
00:13:00,968 --> 00:13:02,968
Isn't this nice, taking a break from work?

371
00:13:03,037 --> 00:13:04,337
Ugh, yeah.

372
00:13:04,405 --> 00:13:05,820
Oh, oh my gosh.

373
00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:07,244
I'm sorry, I thought I turned that off.

374
00:13:07,268 --> 00:13:08,989
_

375
00:13:09,651 --> 00:13:13,180
So tell me why they call "The
New York Times" the Grey Lady?

376
00:13:13,180 --> 00:13:14,679
Oh, fascinating story.

377
00:13:14,748 --> 00:13:15,811
So, apparently,

378
00:13:15,810 --> 00:13:18,143
on the set of "Dirty
Dancing," Jennifer Grey...

379
00:13:18,168 --> 00:13:19,267
Oh!

380
00:13:19,292 --> 00:13:20,858
Clumsy me, I dropped my fork...

381
00:13:20,911 --> 00:13:22,811
No! I loved the one I dropped!

382
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,467
What is this work emergency?

383
00:13:28,535 --> 00:13:30,059
Our Smug Meadow Farms source

384
00:13:30,109 --> 00:13:32,142
just leaked confidential docs and Katie,

385
00:13:32,273 --> 00:13:33,906
the meat is bonobo.

386
00:13:34,108 --> 00:13:35,339
My God!

387
00:13:35,339 --> 00:13:36,906
That's as close as you can get to people...

388
00:13:36,944 --> 00:13:39,194
They use tools, and they
have sex for pleasure.

389
00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:40,327
Okay, fine, I'll be there.

390
00:13:40,367 --> 00:13:41,558
Katie, you okay?

391
00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:43,064
Wha... oh, yeah. I'm so, so, sorry.

392
00:13:43,064 --> 00:13:45,665
Picking up this fork reminded
me that I need to pick...

393
00:13:46,441 --> 00:13:48,441
pick on the old banjo.

394
00:13:48,466 --> 00:13:50,366
That's right, my bluegrass band

395
00:13:50,434 --> 00:13:51,567
has a show tonight.

396
00:13:51,826 --> 00:13:52,951
What are we called?

397
00:13:53,304 --> 00:13:55,504
You know what? Don't ask me now, okay?

398
00:13:55,573 --> 00:13:57,640
You've never shown the
slightest interest in my band!

399
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:05,170
_

400
00:14:05,195 --> 00:14:06,294
Let's do this.

401
00:14:32,095 --> 00:14:34,256
You're right, that did not
make typing twice as fast.

402
00:14:34,281 --> 00:14:35,363
No.

403
00:14:38,818 --> 00:14:39,878
What the hell's going on here?

404
00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:40,946
Jeremy.

405
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,319
Um, okay.

406
00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:43,586
You know what, this is
not what it looks like.

407
00:14:43,655 --> 00:14:44,988
It's, um, we're just...

408
00:14:45,056 --> 00:14:46,211
We're having sex.

409
00:14:46,242 --> 00:14:48,375
Yeah, right. You're working!

410
00:14:48,785 --> 00:14:50,136
Aw, you're as bad as I am.

411
00:14:50,136 --> 00:14:51,803
At least I know that
I'm addicted to my job.

412
00:14:51,871 --> 00:14:53,304
Addicted?

413
00:14:53,373 --> 00:14:55,039
I do lots of stuff besides my job, okay?

414
00:14:55,108 --> 00:14:56,975
I sleep. I've got my bluegrass band.

415
00:14:57,043 --> 00:14:58,610
What are we called? Uh...

416
00:14:58,678 --> 00:15:00,111
Look, Katie, I could've been at home

417
00:15:00,111 --> 00:15:02,004
banging out as many stories
as I wanted to tonight,

418
00:15:02,029 --> 00:15:03,078
but I didn't.

419
00:15:03,550 --> 00:15:04,916
I met you halfway.

420
00:15:06,441 --> 00:15:08,245
I hate to bring this up right now,

421
00:15:08,304 --> 00:15:09,818
but I have an STD.

422
00:15:11,573 --> 00:15:12,905
A strict time deadline.

423
00:15:12,974 --> 00:15:14,507
Katie, we've got to get back to work.

424
00:15:24,065 --> 00:15:26,267
Wayne, thank you for recommending

425
00:15:26,269 --> 00:15:27,968
the autobiography of Professor X.

426
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,663
This guy's crazy.

427
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,138
I said Malcolm X, Carol.

428
00:15:31,140 --> 00:15:34,175
You know, I guess some
problems are so systemic

429
00:15:34,177 --> 00:15:36,043
you can't solve them in a day.

430
00:15:36,045 --> 00:15:37,711
I've solved racism.

431
00:15:37,713 --> 00:15:39,580
I thought about what
you all said last night,

432
00:15:39,582 --> 00:15:41,482
and it made me realize something.

433
00:15:41,484 --> 00:15:43,984
Nothing! There is too much sensitivity

434
00:15:43,986 --> 00:15:46,320
out there. Well, you know
who gets it worse than anyone?

435
00:15:46,322 --> 00:15:48,055
- Chuck, no!
- White men.

436
00:15:48,057 --> 00:15:49,723
People say whatever they want about us.

437
00:15:49,725 --> 00:15:51,025
And do we complain? No.

438
00:15:51,027 --> 00:15:52,993
We take it with a smile.

439
00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:55,663
Of all the things that
white men have given society,

440
00:15:55,665 --> 00:15:57,531
what are the four greatest?

441
00:15:57,533 --> 00:16:00,023
- Clarinet-based jazz.
- I didn't say anything.

442
00:16:00,055 --> 00:16:01,435
Close-up magic.

443
00:16:01,437 --> 00:16:03,148
Stadium magic.

444
00:16:03,207 --> 00:16:05,339
And the roast...

445
00:16:05,341 --> 00:16:08,275
the last bastion of free speech in America,

446
00:16:08,277 --> 00:16:09,910
where you can say whatever you want

447
00:16:09,912 --> 00:16:11,579
without offending anybody.

448
00:16:11,581 --> 00:16:13,781
And today, you folks are the emcees.

449
00:16:13,783 --> 00:16:17,017
Have a seat. And I am going to show you

450
00:16:17,019 --> 00:16:18,886
how to take a joke.

451
00:16:18,888 --> 00:16:21,555
Now, I know you'll all
need some time to prepare.

452
00:16:21,557 --> 00:16:23,512
- I'm ready.
- Oh, all right.

453
00:16:24,890 --> 00:16:27,090
They say that comedy comes from truth.

454
00:16:27,092 --> 00:16:30,059
Well, the truth is that I
once saw Chuck eating alone

455
00:16:30,061 --> 00:16:32,996
at the Times Square
Chili's on Christmas Eve.

456
00:16:35,475 --> 00:16:38,042
I don't know why Chuck
isn't a network anchor.

457
00:16:39,435 --> 00:16:40,687
So true!

458
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:43,219
I mean, what does David
Muir have that Chuck doesn't?

459
00:16:43,244 --> 00:16:45,020
Besides decades longer to live.

460
00:16:46,781 --> 00:16:49,381
That's fun... ow.

461
00:16:49,383 --> 00:16:50,936
Ow, that's funny.

462
00:16:51,152 --> 00:16:54,086
I am the same age my
father was when he died.

463
00:16:54,088 --> 00:16:56,889
What's the deal with the
smell in Chuck's office?

464
00:16:56,891 --> 00:16:58,475
I mean, am I in a nursing home?

465
00:16:58,509 --> 00:17:00,096
Am I in a teenager's bedroom?

466
00:17:00,121 --> 00:17:02,521
What is going on?

467
00:17:03,991 --> 00:17:05,157
Knock, knock, Wayne.

468
00:17:05,159 --> 00:17:06,192
Who's there, Portia?

469
00:17:06,194 --> 00:17:07,660
A white majority.

470
00:17:07,662 --> 00:17:08,994
Well, not for long, according

471
00:17:08,996 --> 00:17:10,696
to prevailing demographic trends.

472
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,967
Come on, guys. Leave Chuck alone.

473
00:17:14,969 --> 00:17:17,670
He has his struggles like everybody else.

474
00:17:17,672 --> 00:17:20,005
Did you know that his feet are a size two?

475
00:17:20,007 --> 00:17:23,142
He has to stuff his shoes
with an entire newspaper.

476
00:17:24,679 --> 00:17:26,312
Stop it! Stop. That's not a joke.

477
00:17:26,314 --> 00:17:28,781
Did you know that his hair
plugs are poisoning him?

478
00:17:31,085 --> 00:17:33,652
Chuck Pierce looks like if you carved a

479
00:17:33,654 --> 00:17:37,289
head out of an apple and
left it on the radiator.

480
00:17:40,228 --> 00:17:41,827
So what's this meeting about, anyway?

481
00:17:41,829 --> 00:17:44,165
This is so fun.

482
00:17:44,332 --> 00:17:47,900
That's why I'm now wearing sunglasses.

483
00:17:51,396 --> 00:17:52,576
Katie.

484
00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,990
- What are you doing here?
- I came to apologize.

485
00:17:55,209 --> 00:17:57,076
I've been giving you a really hard time,

486
00:17:57,078 --> 00:17:58,297
and I didn't realize

487
00:17:58,846 --> 00:18:00,252
I'm a workaholic too.

488
00:18:00,277 --> 00:18:01,201
Yeah.

489
00:18:01,201 --> 00:18:03,801
You know, on Fridays
you always say, "TGIAMA."

490
00:18:04,247 --> 00:18:05,813
Thank God it's almost Monday again.

491
00:18:05,815 --> 00:18:07,749
But why does that have to be a bad thing?

492
00:18:07,751 --> 00:18:09,517
You know, I love my job,

493
00:18:09,519 --> 00:18:11,383
and one of the reasons I like you is that

494
00:18:11,462 --> 00:18:13,229
you have a job and can pay for dinner.

495
00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:15,332
- I'm in print.
- I make $7,000 a year.

496
00:18:18,404 --> 00:18:19,587
I'm just saying,

497
00:18:19,587 --> 00:18:22,014
why should we feel bad
about putting work first?

498
00:18:22,803 --> 00:18:23,847
Totally.

499
00:18:23,874 --> 00:18:25,842
Yeah, you know, this
could be kind of perfect.

500
00:18:25,913 --> 00:18:27,246
I'm finally with someone who gets it.

501
00:18:27,248 --> 00:18:29,114
Yes! Yes.

502
00:18:29,116 --> 00:18:31,317
Okay, so I have to go back to the office,

503
00:18:31,319 --> 00:18:33,118
but what are you doing this weekend?

504
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,887
Oh, uh, busy this weekend.

505
00:18:34,889 --> 00:18:36,455
We're actually having a bake sale

506
00:18:36,457 --> 00:18:37,590
to help keep the paper
afloat for another week.

507
00:18:37,590 --> 00:18:39,761
Yeah, well, next week's
actually bad for me.

508
00:18:39,793 --> 00:18:41,793
- What about next month?
- Oh, can't do it.

509
00:18:41,795 --> 00:18:42,994
I'm actually going deep undercover

510
00:18:42,996 --> 00:18:44,332
as Bernie Sanders' aunt.

511
00:18:44,404 --> 00:18:45,476
Ohh.

512
00:18:45,501 --> 00:18:46,647
Can't remember why.

513
00:18:48,576 --> 00:18:50,370
Early November looks good.

514
00:18:50,370 --> 00:18:53,039
- Oh, except for post-Halloween...
- Mid-term elections.

515
00:18:53,354 --> 00:18:54,697
Mid-term elections.

516
00:18:55,775 --> 00:18:57,008
Oh, okay.

517
00:18:57,276 --> 00:18:59,276
Okay, I think I found a winner.

518
00:18:59,450 --> 00:19:03,379
I will see you February 14, 2019.

519
00:19:03,950 --> 00:19:06,183
Ooh, but are we ready
to do Valentine's Day?

520
00:19:06,185 --> 00:19:09,153
These topics are not funny.

521
00:19:09,155 --> 00:19:10,701
So they're off limits.

522
00:19:10,701 --> 00:19:13,425
But there's still plenty
you can rib me about:

523
00:19:13,481 --> 00:19:15,054
my way with animals,

524
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:16,753
how I have the biggest office...

525
00:19:16,755 --> 00:19:18,721
I wonder what that's compensating for.

526
00:19:18,723 --> 00:19:20,390
Hey, you know what?

527
00:19:20,392 --> 00:19:21,891
I only did all this to help you,

528
00:19:21,893 --> 00:19:23,259
and this is the thanks I get?

529
00:19:23,261 --> 00:19:24,861
I thought you could take a joke.

530
00:19:24,863 --> 00:19:27,196
I can, but these aren't jokes,

531
00:19:27,198 --> 00:19:30,099
like an Asian man
slipping on a banana peel.

532
00:19:30,101 --> 00:19:31,483
These are hurtful...

533
00:19:31,546 --> 00:19:33,698
like a white man slipping on a banana peel.

534
00:19:33,723 --> 00:19:36,190
It makes me feel less than

535
00:19:36,192 --> 00:19:37,610
or, uh, other.

536
00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,060
I don't know what the word for it is.

537
00:19:39,062 --> 00:19:41,629
- Insensitivity.
- Exact... oh.

538
00:19:41,983 --> 00:19:42,997
Okay.

539
00:19:42,999 --> 00:19:44,161
Got it.

540
00:19:44,328 --> 00:19:46,128
Uh... is this what you've
been complaining about

541
00:19:46,153 --> 00:19:47,569
for the past 11 years?

542
00:19:47,595 --> 00:19:48,637
Yes.

543
00:19:48,637 --> 00:19:51,815
- Try 400 years, Chuck.
- Oh, not this again.

544
00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,740
You know what, Wayne,
let me tell you... oops.

545
00:19:53,742 --> 00:19:56,198
Sorry, I hear it. I will, uh, work on it.

546
00:20:00,530 --> 00:20:03,330
And every day, the dog
walks to its owner's grave

547
00:20:03,332 --> 00:20:06,000
as a reminder to all humans
that he'll kill anyone

548
00:20:06,002 --> 00:20:07,160
who gets in his way.

549
00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:08,893
- Chuck?
- Thanks, Portia.

550
00:20:08,895 --> 00:20:11,963
Coming up... eek, eek, ook, ook.

551
00:20:11,965 --> 00:20:14,332
Sounds you'd expect to hear at the zoo.

552
00:20:14,531 --> 00:20:16,430
But from your veggie burger?

553
00:20:16,671 --> 00:20:19,499
A "Breakdown" exclusive when we return.

554
00:20:19,502 --> 00:20:20,834
Great job with that story.

555
00:20:20,834 --> 00:20:22,171
You really hit it for six.

556
00:20:22,401 --> 00:20:23,959
Uh, sorry... cricket.

557
00:20:24,204 --> 00:20:25,804
What's an American sports term?

558
00:20:25,806 --> 00:20:26,733
Oh, I don't know.

559
00:20:28,842 --> 00:20:30,509
You all right?

560
00:20:30,511 --> 00:20:32,244
Jeremy and I broke up. It's fine.

561
00:20:32,246 --> 00:20:33,191
Oh.

562
00:20:33,191 --> 00:20:35,475
Yeah, I'm too busy for
human relationships anyway.

563
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:37,133
I gotta go watch 8 hours of senate hearings

564
00:20:37,135 --> 00:20:38,668
- on C-SPAN.
- Have you ever played

565
00:20:38,670 --> 00:20:40,470
the C-SPAN drinking game,

566
00:20:40,472 --> 00:20:42,105
where you take a drink
every time Al Franken

567
00:20:42,107 --> 00:20:43,740
comes back to steal office supplies.

568
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:46,929
Stop it. I, like... I invented that game.

569
00:20:47,875 --> 00:20:49,791
You wouldn't wanna watch
it with me, would you?

570
00:20:50,102 --> 00:20:52,066
Yeah. That sounds fun.

571
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:54,543
You know what, I can't.

572
00:20:54,544 --> 00:20:56,144
My cat has a Flea problem.

573
00:20:57,213 --> 00:20:59,246
She used to date the bassist
from Red Hot Chili Peppers,

574
00:20:59,303 --> 00:21:00,624
and he's still in love with her.

575
00:21:00,679 --> 00:21:01,707
Got you.

576
00:21:01,918 --> 00:21:03,050
- Maybe some other time.
- Yeah.

577
00:21:03,052 --> 00:21:04,045
Yeah.