1
00:00:02,501 --> 00:00:05,460
Oh, Mommy! Everything looks so beautiful!

2
00:00:05,648 --> 00:00:08,982
I just want everything to be
perfect for my little girl.

3
00:00:09,051 --> 00:00:12,419
And to keep it that
way... Dave! Get the Saran!

4
00:00:12,488 --> 00:00:13,691
You got it, dear!

5
00:00:16,592 --> 00:00:18,031
So what's for breakfast?

6
00:00:18,031 --> 00:00:19,430
I already set the table
for Christmas dinner,

7
00:00:19,499 --> 00:00:21,699
so we can't sit there till next Monday.

8
00:00:21,923 --> 00:00:23,234
Here's a Pop-Tart!

9
00:00:23,597 --> 00:00:26,998
Please eat it over the toilet,
but not the Christmas toilet!

10
00:00:29,236 --> 00:00:30,989
Oh... the seam isn't lined up.

11
00:00:31,204 --> 00:00:33,716
Well, not everything has to be perfect.

12
00:00:39,512 --> 00:00:41,713
Where were you? I need help!

13
00:00:41,781 --> 00:00:43,688
You said I could rebel at the mall!

14
00:00:43,826 --> 00:00:45,560
This is Deryck, we met at Afterthoughts

15
00:00:45,628 --> 00:00:47,735
when we both reached for
the same magnetic nose ring.

16
00:00:47,827 --> 00:00:49,293
It's a pleasure to meet you.

17
00:00:49,789 --> 00:00:51,455
- Oh my God, Mom.
- There ya go.

18
00:00:51,934 --> 00:00:54,458
I'm gonna need a Christmas
fire. The flue is broken,

19
00:00:54,527 --> 00:00:56,460
so go up on the roof
and open it from there.

20
00:00:56,529 --> 00:00:58,114
After that, bring down the Christmas piano.

21
00:00:58,149 --> 00:01:00,118
It's a baby grand, and it's full of mice.

22
00:01:04,328 --> 00:01:05,860
Hey, what's this?

23
00:01:05,929 --> 00:01:07,696
You told me to make
chocolate reindeer poops.

24
00:01:07,764 --> 00:01:09,397
Oh, boy. I thought we covered this.

25
00:01:09,466 --> 00:01:11,444
Okay, poop is logs!

26
00:01:11,929 --> 00:01:13,759
Twix, Tootsie Rolls,

27
00:01:13,804 --> 00:01:15,704
Toblerone if it's a bigger animal!

28
00:01:15,772 --> 00:01:18,373
Does it really matter,
Mom? What's the big deal?

29
00:01:18,442 --> 00:01:20,508
- What's the big deal?
- Yeah.

30
00:01:20,577 --> 00:01:23,411
- Did you hear that, Chris?
- Oh my God!

31
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:25,347
She wants to know what the big deal is.

32
00:01:25,415 --> 00:01:28,020
It's Christmas! That's the big deal!

33
00:01:31,980 --> 00:01:34,169
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

34
00:01:36,348 --> 00:01:37,888
What are you guys doing?

35
00:01:37,917 --> 00:01:39,970
We're writing Christmas cards to our family

36
00:01:39,995 --> 00:01:41,628
and extended family and friends

37
00:01:41,697 --> 00:01:43,497
that's frenemy family...

38
00:01:43,566 --> 00:01:46,967
No, I mean why are you
sending paper Christmas cards?

39
00:01:47,036 --> 00:01:49,002
Just use that app that
searches your contacts

40
00:01:49,071 --> 00:01:51,038
and makes personalized
Christmas videos for you.

41
00:01:51,106 --> 00:01:54,608
Merry Christmas! I'm so
blessed to have you in my life,

42
00:01:54,677 --> 00:01:57,144
Great Uncle Gary.

43
00:01:57,213 --> 00:01:59,980
And I was so happy to hear about your...

44
00:02:00,049 --> 00:02:01,515
Recent death.

45
00:02:02,380 --> 00:02:04,985
Well, I just got off the
phone with my ex-wife Darlene.

46
00:02:05,054 --> 00:02:06,969
She's going on vacation, and she wants me

47
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,756
to take our son, Petey, for the holidays!

48
00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:12,459
- Well, that's nice.
- Yeah, if nice stands for

49
00:02:12,528 --> 00:02:15,295
"Nothing in Common... Estranged."

50
00:02:15,364 --> 00:02:17,564
I haven't seen the little guy in years!

51
00:02:17,866 --> 00:02:21,668
I mean he's a good boy.
Very precocious, so sharp.

52
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,363
I mean his teeth. So who wants to babysit?

53
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:29,147
Good morning! I have an
exciting announcement!

54
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:31,282
The network has been
so happy with our show,

55
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:34,219
they are giving us a special
gift for the holidays.

56
00:02:34,287 --> 00:02:36,064
- Ooh.
- What we'll be getting is

57
00:02:36,523 --> 00:02:38,022
to work on Christmas!

58
00:02:39,092 --> 00:02:40,625
You are a Grinch,

59
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,760
and it's not just because
you wear curly shoes.

60
00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:44,629
They're Tom Ford, and I regret buying them!

61
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:47,098
Yeah, Greg! You can't cancel Christmas

62
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,033
and all the pressure
and impossible standards

63
00:02:49,058 --> 00:02:49,977
that come with it!

64
00:02:50,023 --> 00:02:51,012
I have plans.

65
00:02:51,037 --> 00:02:52,970
I'm supposed to be
promoting my new diet book,

66
00:02:53,038 --> 00:02:55,305
"Portia Control." The trick is,
people can't return the book,

67
00:02:55,373 --> 00:02:57,455
because the diet requires you to eat it.

68
00:02:57,496 --> 00:02:58,862
If we have to work,

69
00:02:58,931 --> 00:03:00,126
I guess I'll just promote it on the show.

70
00:03:00,126 --> 00:03:02,927
Oh, Katie. What are we gonna do?

71
00:03:02,995 --> 00:03:06,096
I don't know, Mom. Our
perfect Christmas is ruined.

72
00:03:06,972 --> 00:03:08,982
It's truly ruined!

73
00:03:10,203 --> 00:03:11,869
Ugh!

74
00:03:22,181 --> 00:03:24,448
It's beautiful!

75
00:03:26,898 --> 00:03:28,798
You're chipper, considering it's Christmas

76
00:03:28,867 --> 00:03:31,133
and I just picked El
Gringo's Sushi Vat for lunch.

77
00:03:31,202 --> 00:03:32,487
But that's exactly why.

78
00:03:32,549 --> 00:03:35,111
Because we have to work, my mom
can't make Christmas perfect.

79
00:03:35,222 --> 00:03:36,955
Which means I can finally
let go of this stress ball

80
00:03:37,024 --> 00:03:38,790
I've been holding on to all December.

81
00:03:38,859 --> 00:03:41,126
I
compressed it into a diamond!

82
00:03:41,431 --> 00:03:42,930
Well, maybe it won't be perfect,

83
00:03:42,999 --> 00:03:45,066
but it can still be nice.
Like I was saying yesterday,

84
00:03:45,135 --> 00:03:46,934
if we can't be home for Christmas, we can

85
00:03:47,003 --> 00:03:48,703
have a little Christmas here.

86
00:03:48,772 --> 00:03:50,432
Wait, who were you saying that around?

87
00:03:51,174 --> 00:03:52,494
Uh... couple of people.

88
00:03:53,056 --> 00:03:55,848
Justin, Gene... Jizzburt.

89
00:03:55,848 --> 00:03:57,315
Stop making up names to stall, Greg.

90
00:03:57,383 --> 00:03:59,116
Did you say that in front of my mother?

91
00:03:59,185 --> 00:04:01,085
Did you fill my mother
with the Christmas spirit?

92
00:04:01,154 --> 00:04:02,953
I have been filled

93
00:04:03,022 --> 00:04:05,323
with the Christmas spirit!

94
00:04:05,813 --> 00:04:07,558
If we can't be home for Christmas,

95
00:04:07,627 --> 00:04:09,293
then we can bring Christmas here!

96
00:04:09,362 --> 00:04:11,929
In this box, and in many
others still in my car

97
00:04:11,998 --> 00:04:13,597
and in cabs I paid to follow me,

98
00:04:13,666 --> 00:04:16,334
are all the things we need to celebrate.

99
00:04:16,402 --> 00:04:19,270
Now, it's gonna take a
little bit of teamwork

100
00:04:19,339 --> 00:04:21,172
and a lot of actual work!

101
00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:23,607
Wayne, I'm gonna need you
to bake a gingerbread house

102
00:04:23,676 --> 00:04:25,676
and make it look exactly
like this building.

103
00:04:25,745 --> 00:04:28,312
Beth, I need you to
help me drag in the tree.

104
00:04:28,381 --> 00:04:30,381
Trees and I are not speaking right now.

105
00:04:30,450 --> 00:04:33,384
Justin, you can be Santa Claus, because...

106
00:04:33,453 --> 00:04:34,718
I know why.

107
00:04:34,718 --> 00:04:36,017
And actually, I've been
going to Weight Watchers

108
00:04:36,086 --> 00:04:37,519
for a year, so that's hurtful.

109
00:04:37,587 --> 00:04:40,064
And Katie, I have a
very special job for you.

110
00:04:40,120 --> 00:04:41,552
Oh, is that how you're gonna do it?

111
00:04:41,621 --> 00:04:43,154
Wait, how did I mess it up already?

112
00:04:43,223 --> 00:04:44,856
You didn't even tell me what I'm doing!

113
00:04:44,924 --> 00:04:47,892
Well, I'm off to the train
station to pick up my son.

114
00:04:47,961 --> 00:04:49,375
Last chance, folks!

115
00:04:49,413 --> 00:04:52,948
Whoever volunteers gets
to drive my Buick LeSabre.

116
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:56,920
Fully loaded! Broken heated steering wheel,

117
00:04:56,988 --> 00:05:00,156
so it gets really hot! Anyone?

118
00:05:00,225 --> 00:05:02,016
- I'll do it.
- Oh, great!

119
00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:03,860
Listen, if he tries to bite you,

120
00:05:03,929 --> 00:05:06,329
just shake a jar of change
at him. He's my bundle of joy.

121
00:05:06,398 --> 00:05:08,064
Katie, I'm gonna need you to...

122
00:05:08,133 --> 00:05:10,333
Help my boss in a location
where you can't reach me?

123
00:05:10,402 --> 00:05:11,592
I'm on it, Mom!

124
00:05:16,875 --> 00:05:18,341
Now boarding on track three,

125
00:05:18,410 --> 00:05:20,665
the New Jersey Transit Trenton Express

126
00:05:20,665 --> 00:05:24,014
- departing at 10:57.
- Hey there. Are you Petey?

127
00:05:24,081 --> 00:05:26,600
Your dad said you'd be
wearing a dinosaur jacket.

128
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,751
Are you my ride? Why are you
talking to this kid, you sicko?

129
00:05:29,820 --> 00:05:32,120
- Oh, come on.
- You're Petey?

130
00:05:32,189 --> 00:05:35,644
- Yep, and you're a seven.
- Give me my Minions balloon.

131
00:05:42,922 --> 00:05:45,757
Hey, can you carry your own
suitcase? It's really heavy.

132
00:05:45,796 --> 00:05:47,759
I think it might be making
my scoliosis come back.

133
00:05:47,828 --> 00:05:49,158
Quick... what letter does my spine say?

134
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:50,849
Oh, it's heavy 'cause it's filled

135
00:05:50,882 --> 00:05:52,248
with my latest entrepreneurial venture...

136
00:05:52,599 --> 00:05:55,685
Dude Wine. It's wine for dudes.

137
00:05:56,503 --> 00:05:58,536
Eh, never mind. It's too hard to explain.

138
00:05:58,605 --> 00:05:59,943
Oh, hey! There's your dad.

139
00:06:02,342 --> 00:06:03,418
Hello, son.

140
00:06:03,844 --> 00:06:04,817
Dad.

141
00:06:05,512 --> 00:06:07,740
Remember that old game we used to play?

142
00:06:08,074 --> 00:06:10,174
- No.
- Well, see ya.

143
00:06:10,445 --> 00:06:12,879
- Wait, where are you going?
- I have a lot of work to do.

144
00:06:12,947 --> 00:06:14,814
But don't you want to
spend time with your...

145
00:06:14,883 --> 00:06:16,549
You two bond. I don't
want to be a third wheel.

146
00:06:16,618 --> 00:06:17,565
But...

147
00:06:17,595 --> 00:06:19,752
Let me know if you need pizza money!

148
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,533
It's like I'm 11 years old again.

149
00:06:22,533 --> 00:06:24,032
Try to spend Christmas with my dad,

150
00:06:24,101 --> 00:06:25,893
and he pawns me off on one of his whores.

151
00:06:26,453 --> 00:06:29,220
Okay. Well, I'm sure
he's got something planned

152
00:06:29,290 --> 00:06:30,514
for you two guys after the show.

153
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,790
No way! He doesn't want
to spend time with me.

154
00:06:32,815 --> 00:06:33,775
He never did.

155
00:06:34,417 --> 00:06:35,649
Hey, you want to get drunk?

156
00:06:35,718 --> 00:06:36,884
I've got 40 bottles of Dude Wine.

157
00:06:41,345 --> 00:06:42,892
- You know what? What the hell.
- Cool.

158
00:06:43,852 --> 00:06:47,228
Uh, hello? Why is no one doing their jobs?

159
00:06:47,697 --> 00:06:49,467
We are. We're rehearsing the show.

160
00:06:49,467 --> 00:06:51,233
No, your Christmas jobs!

161
00:06:51,302 --> 00:06:53,235
Carol, I know it's not
fun to work on Christmas,

162
00:06:53,304 --> 00:06:55,504
but we do in fact have
to work on Christmas.

163
00:06:55,529 --> 00:06:56,608
We can't help you.

164
00:06:56,651 --> 00:06:58,284
You are the one who told me I could bring

165
00:06:58,352 --> 00:07:00,074
the spirit of Christmas here.

166
00:07:00,113 --> 00:07:02,314
I mean normal stuff! A wreath,

167
00:07:02,383 --> 00:07:03,983
hot cocoa from the Keurig!

168
00:07:04,052 --> 00:07:06,152
When we order lunch, perhaps we get a pie.

169
00:07:06,221 --> 00:07:07,691
No, never came.

170
00:07:08,312 --> 00:07:11,113
Well, I just wanted to
make Christmas special

171
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,435
- for my work family.
- We're coworkers, Carol.

172
00:07:13,435 --> 00:07:15,235
Not a family. End of story.

173
00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:17,270
Fine.

174
00:07:17,539 --> 00:07:19,506
Then Katie and I will do it ourselves.

175
00:07:19,574 --> 00:07:21,741
That's basically what
happens every year anyway,

176
00:07:21,810 --> 00:07:25,445
because Dave always has to
volunteer at the soup kitchen.

177
00:07:28,922 --> 00:07:30,934
I'm sure you think I developed Dude Wine

178
00:07:30,935 --> 00:07:33,836
to make $1 billion and
revolutionize society,

179
00:07:33,905 --> 00:07:35,032
but you want to know the real reason?

180
00:07:35,618 --> 00:07:37,034
Did it to impress my dad.

181
00:07:37,542 --> 00:07:39,613
Finally hear those words
every kid wants to hear:

182
00:07:40,153 --> 00:07:41,558
"Cool beans, son!"

183
00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:42,687
I know how that goes.

184
00:07:42,712 --> 00:07:45,493
Every Christmas, my mom drives me insane.

185
00:07:45,565 --> 00:07:46,931
I do everything that she asks,

186
00:07:46,999 --> 00:07:48,766
and nothing is ever perfect enough.

187
00:07:49,043 --> 00:07:51,435
- There you are!
- What do you need, Mom?

188
00:07:51,593 --> 00:07:54,127
Everything! Not to put pressure on you,

189
00:07:54,195 --> 00:07:57,564
but everybody flaked, so I need
you to go to the candle store

190
00:07:57,632 --> 00:07:59,399
right now, or I'll die!

191
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:02,302
All right, what kind of
candles do you want me to get?

192
00:08:02,370 --> 00:08:03,426
Like pine scented?

193
00:08:03,451 --> 00:08:05,145
It's Christmas, not Arbor Day!

194
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,261
Vanilla?

195
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,853
It's Christmas, not Pudding Day!

196
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:09,688
Look, Mom, why are you like this?

197
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:12,457
Why do I want Christmas to
be perfect for my daughter?

198
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:16,027
No, this is not for me. It has never been.

199
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,963
You think that year that you made me pose

200
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:21,586
with a real reindeer for the
Christmas card was for me?

201
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:23,993
He humped my head, Mom!

202
00:08:24,062 --> 00:08:25,728
- What are you saying?
- I'm saying

203
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:27,656
I don't wanna be your Christmas lackey!

204
00:08:27,656 --> 00:08:30,023
I would rather spend the
day listening to this guy

205
00:08:30,048 --> 00:08:32,251
brag about his strategy for playing craps.

206
00:08:32,489 --> 00:08:34,689
Actually, I said I have a
strategy for taking craps,

207
00:08:34,732 --> 00:08:35,694
but whatever.

208
00:08:35,719 --> 00:08:37,185
Fine, if that's the way you feel,

209
00:08:37,254 --> 00:08:38,847
then I'll just do it myself!

210
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:44,817
- That was too harsh.
- No, that was badass.

211
00:08:45,049 --> 00:08:46,738
She was all like, "Do my stuff!"

212
00:08:46,768 --> 00:08:49,002
And you were like, "Suck
this, bitch." Boosh!

213
00:08:49,072 --> 00:08:51,590
You know what? That's what
I'm gonna do to my dad.

214
00:08:51,975 --> 00:08:53,574
Didn't feel as good as I thought it would.

215
00:08:53,643 --> 00:08:55,142
Well, that's because you used words.

216
00:08:55,211 --> 00:08:56,944
You see, I'm going to
use physical violence.

217
00:08:57,195 --> 00:08:59,962
Now, I promised Sensei
Tyler that I would never use

218
00:09:00,031 --> 00:09:01,430
the Punch of the Phoenix on a human man,

219
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:03,524
but you're right, Katie.
My dad deserves it.

220
00:09:03,935 --> 00:09:05,704
No, no, no, no, no!

221
00:09:05,807 --> 00:09:09,500
♪ Deck the tree without a ladder ♪

222
00:09:09,564 --> 00:09:12,732
♪ Fall fall fall fall
fall, I'll never fall ♪

223
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:13,832
Aah!

224
00:09:16,509 --> 00:09:17,597
Carol?

225
00:09:20,947 --> 00:09:22,174
I don't need your help!

226
00:09:22,243 --> 00:09:23,542
I got the star on top of the tree,

227
00:09:23,611 --> 00:09:25,878
and then I did a cool jump. I'm fine!

228
00:09:25,947 --> 00:09:27,660
- Then what's that?
- Ooh!

229
00:09:28,004 --> 00:09:29,411
Oh, that's me!

230
00:09:29,684 --> 00:09:31,851
Tonight you will be
visited by three spirits.

231
00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:34,557
Oh, gin, vodka, and tequila, I hope.

232
00:09:35,089 --> 00:09:38,357
Ha ha ha. I am so bad.
Anyway, what is this?

233
00:09:38,426 --> 00:09:40,426
You will be visited by the Ghosts

234
00:09:40,495 --> 00:09:43,576
of Christmas Past, Present, and Future.

235
00:09:43,601 --> 00:09:46,068
Wait, it's like I'm
going to be in that movie?

236
00:09:46,137 --> 00:09:47,670
Wait, what is the name of that movie?

237
00:09:47,738 --> 00:09:49,205
Oh, gosh. Okay, wait a minute.

238
00:09:49,273 --> 00:09:51,173
Okay, there's a guy counting coins,

239
00:09:51,242 --> 00:09:52,993
but he wouldn't help Teeny Tom.

240
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,326
Oh, come on. The Muppets did a good one,

241
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:56,827
and Ace Ventura did a bad one.

242
00:09:56,895 --> 00:09:59,196
You know what I'm talking
about, it's Christmas...

243
00:09:59,264 --> 00:10:00,430
It's a Christ... Christmas...

244
00:10:00,499 --> 00:10:01,498
- Carol!
- Yeah, what's up?

245
00:10:01,567 --> 00:10:02,799
Yeah...

246
00:10:11,808 --> 00:10:14,163
Are you the Ghost of Christmas Past?

247
00:10:14,377 --> 00:10:17,078
I am, and I'm going to take you back

248
00:10:17,147 --> 00:10:19,080
to a time long, long ago.

249
00:10:19,149 --> 00:10:22,479
Before I or anyone I respect was even born.

250
00:10:22,993 --> 00:10:25,060
1996.

251
00:10:25,127 --> 00:10:26,393
Oh, come on.

252
00:10:27,830 --> 00:10:29,530
Wow, where have you taken me?

253
00:10:29,598 --> 00:10:31,849
Are we on the set of "General Hospital"?

254
00:10:32,157 --> 00:10:35,061
Can I have a walk-on role?
But I won't do a sex scene.

255
00:10:35,061 --> 00:10:37,061
Okay, fine, if it's important to the story.

256
00:10:37,128 --> 00:10:41,059
No, I've taken you to
Katie's favorite Christmas.

257
00:10:41,266 --> 00:10:42,732
Oh, I remember this year.

258
00:10:42,801 --> 00:10:44,467
Katie and I were going
to wait up for Santa,

259
00:10:44,536 --> 00:10:45,835
and Dave dressed in a red suit

260
00:10:45,904 --> 00:10:47,637
was gonna come down the chimney,

261
00:10:47,706 --> 00:10:50,473
but unfortunately, I forgot
the plan, and I lit a fire.

262
00:10:50,542 --> 00:10:53,142
Oh, man. Dave really
ruined Christmas that year.

263
00:10:53,650 --> 00:10:55,340
But look how happy Katie is.

264
00:10:55,418 --> 00:10:57,784
No pressure on her, or you.

265
00:10:57,784 --> 00:10:59,751
Oh come on. This couldn't have been

266
00:10:59,819 --> 00:11:02,487
Katie's favorite Christmas. It sucked!

267
00:11:02,555 --> 00:11:04,422
It may not have seemed perfect to you,

268
00:11:04,491 --> 00:11:05,955
but it was to Katie.

269
00:11:06,226 --> 00:11:09,671
Because everything she needed
was already in this room.

270
00:11:10,363 --> 00:11:13,507
No lesson learned. Next ghost, please!

271
00:11:15,435 --> 00:11:17,335
Uh, hi! Are you okay?

272
00:11:17,404 --> 00:11:18,970
Have you talked to Petey?

273
00:11:19,039 --> 00:11:21,272
Yes, at least 30 times since he was a baby.

274
00:11:21,341 --> 00:11:23,641
Okay, well you should
probably talk to him now,

275
00:11:23,710 --> 00:11:26,310
because he's looking for
you, and he's pretty upset.

276
00:11:26,379 --> 00:11:27,945
- What? Why?
- Well, Chuck,

277
00:11:28,014 --> 00:11:29,447
he came all the way out here

278
00:11:29,516 --> 00:11:31,482
to spend Christmas with
you, and you ignored him.

279
00:11:31,551 --> 00:11:34,118
You spent more time talking to
that dolphin we had on the show

280
00:11:34,187 --> 00:11:35,520
to dunk a basketball!

281
00:11:35,588 --> 00:11:37,555
Dunker actually just sent me a very funny,

282
00:11:37,624 --> 00:11:38,790
very wet postcard.

283
00:11:38,858 --> 00:11:40,925
You're Petey's dad, Chuck.

284
00:11:40,994 --> 00:11:42,894
You can't spend one day a year with him?

285
00:11:42,962 --> 00:11:45,763
Be a little nice? Just pretend to be proud?

286
00:11:45,832 --> 00:11:47,265
Pretend? Why should I have to pretend?

287
00:11:47,333 --> 00:11:49,494
He's the most amazing kid in the world!

288
00:11:49,636 --> 00:11:50,994
Wait, what?

289
00:11:51,304 --> 00:11:53,538
Petey is my pride and joy!

290
00:11:53,606 --> 00:11:55,467
I've saved everything he's ever done!

291
00:11:56,372 --> 00:12:00,278
Look, this water filtration
system won first place

292
00:12:00,346 --> 00:12:01,646
at the high school science fair.

293
00:12:01,715 --> 00:12:03,648
Petey stole it from the nerd that made it,

294
00:12:03,717 --> 00:12:05,738
and turned it into an amazing bong!

295
00:12:05,763 --> 00:12:06,706
Oh...

296
00:12:06,745 --> 00:12:08,230
And here's the courtroom sketch

297
00:12:08,255 --> 00:12:09,587
from his public urination trial!

298
00:12:09,656 --> 00:12:11,566
Acquitted, by the way!

299
00:12:11,714 --> 00:12:12,978
That's great!

300
00:12:13,102 --> 00:12:16,494
Oh, and have you tried Dude
Wine? He sent me a bottle!

301
00:12:16,563 --> 00:12:18,684
The second I tasted it,
you know what I said?

302
00:12:18,932 --> 00:12:21,332
Well, nothing to him, but you
know what I said to Dunker?

303
00:12:21,660 --> 00:12:24,836
Phenomenal product invented
by a phenomenal man.

304
00:12:24,904 --> 00:12:28,706
Petey has no idea that
you feel this way, Chuck.

305
00:12:28,775 --> 00:12:31,015
- Why don't you just tell him?
- Tell him?

306
00:12:31,277 --> 00:12:33,410
Dads don't tell their sons they're proud.

307
00:12:33,410 --> 00:12:35,743
That's like the main thing that dads do.

308
00:12:35,812 --> 00:12:37,463
Well, my dad never did it.

309
00:12:37,573 --> 00:12:39,306
He worked constantly on the farm,

310
00:12:39,374 --> 00:12:41,041
and he avoided me like the plague.

311
00:12:41,110 --> 00:12:42,275
When he died, he left me a watch,

312
00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:43,777
which was his way of saying

313
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,178
here's this watch that you were afraid

314
00:12:45,247 --> 00:12:47,314
I was going to hit you
with. Now it is done!

315
00:12:47,382 --> 00:12:49,349
Just because you were
raised that way doesn't mean

316
00:12:49,418 --> 00:12:51,485
that you can't do things
differently with Petey,

317
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:54,461
but he has to hear that
you're proud from you.

318
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:59,203
You're wrong. My dad never
said that stuff to me,

319
00:12:59,249 --> 00:13:01,783
and look how successful
and angry and divorced

320
00:13:01,852 --> 00:13:03,257
I turned out to be.

321
00:13:20,370 --> 00:13:21,369
Greetings!

322
00:13:21,438 --> 00:13:22,477
Oh!

323
00:13:22,531 --> 00:13:25,181
I'm the Ghost of Holiday Present.

324
00:13:25,382 --> 00:13:27,306
Holiday? No.

325
00:13:27,408 --> 00:13:28,741
I may not celebrate Christmas,

326
00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:30,476
but that does not mean that I do not

327
00:13:30,523 --> 00:13:31,935
have wisdom to share.

328
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,163
- Pass.
- Oy.

329
00:13:38,486 --> 00:13:39,552
Hey, should we be worried about

330
00:13:39,620 --> 00:13:40,886
what's happening over there?

331
00:13:40,955 --> 00:13:42,021
Back to you, Dad's nuts!

332
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,022
Boosh!

333
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:44,356
Eh, it's fine.

334
00:13:44,425 --> 00:13:46,025
He promised me he'd wait to punch Chuck

335
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:47,363
until after the show, so...

336
00:13:48,691 --> 00:13:52,131
What, Greg? Christmas
isn't all fresh, white snow

337
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,599
in the morning, okay?

338
00:13:53,668 --> 00:13:56,402
Sometimes it's old, gray
sludge in the gutter.

339
00:13:56,470 --> 00:13:58,331
- Have you been drinking?
- Nope.

340
00:13:59,065 --> 00:14:01,358
I've been eating this Dude Wine bro-gurt.

341
00:14:02,863 --> 00:14:05,293
It's Christmas, and you
know what that means!

342
00:14:05,488 --> 00:14:07,433
Time to buy your friends shady gifts,

343
00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:09,559
hinting that they need to lose weight.

344
00:14:10,241 --> 00:14:13,008
"Portia Control." This
year, get a beach body

345
00:14:13,077 --> 00:14:14,509
you can be proud of.

346
00:14:14,578 --> 00:14:17,007
Proud of... proud of... proud of...

347
00:14:20,099 --> 00:14:22,500
Find it in bookstores or online...

348
00:14:22,570 --> 00:14:24,736
I'd like to share a product as well.

349
00:14:25,318 --> 00:14:27,324
Uh... Dude Wine!

350
00:14:27,324 --> 00:14:29,724
It's a great wine for dudes!

351
00:14:30,221 --> 00:14:33,955
Recently approved by the FDA,
the Fred Durst Association.

352
00:14:34,038 --> 00:14:37,339
I support this product 100%!

353
00:14:37,495 --> 00:14:40,945
Merry Christmas from all
of us at "The Breakdown."

354
00:14:45,532 --> 00:14:48,068
Maybe Christmas isn't sludge after all.

355
00:14:48,298 --> 00:14:51,407
Maybe it's a snowy hill
where father and son

356
00:14:51,476 --> 00:14:54,878
can forget the past and build
a snowman of understanding.

357
00:14:54,879 --> 00:14:56,278
Oh God. They're gonna kill each other.

358
00:14:56,347 --> 00:14:57,709
You're mad at me?

359
00:14:57,709 --> 00:14:59,876
This is what your babysitter
told me you wanted!

360
00:14:59,944 --> 00:15:01,533
Yeah, maybe if you did it right!

361
00:15:01,594 --> 00:15:03,461
You didn't even mention any
of the kick-ass ingredients!

362
00:15:03,686 --> 00:15:06,420
Or the fact that each bottle
is kissed by a playmate!

363
00:15:06,619 --> 00:15:08,743
Prepare for the Punch of the Phoenix, Dad!

364
00:15:11,827 --> 00:15:14,881
I will not be spoken to
this way... I am your father!

365
00:15:14,950 --> 00:15:17,006
And an expert pitch man. I have endorsed

366
00:15:17,059 --> 00:15:20,327
Unshredded Wheat, Ron's
Toilet Girds, and Stanka,

367
00:15:20,408 --> 00:15:22,208
an instant coffee that takes forever!

368
00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:23,731
Well, what can I say? It wasn't enough!

369
00:15:23,778 --> 00:15:26,528
Petey, what is your problem?
You're so ungrateful!

370
00:15:26,564 --> 00:15:28,497
Whatever! I didn't even want him to do it!

371
00:15:28,499 --> 00:15:31,033
It doesn't matter if you
wanted him to do it or not,

372
00:15:31,035 --> 00:15:33,557
he did it for you! My
God, you sound like...

373
00:15:35,173 --> 00:15:37,313
Oh no, you sound like me!

374
00:15:38,009 --> 00:15:40,342
The babysitter's right.
You're an ungrateful bastard!

375
00:15:40,344 --> 00:15:42,812
Oh my God, Chuck, you suck too!

376
00:15:43,190 --> 00:15:45,314
Why can't you just apologize and hug?

377
00:15:45,316 --> 00:15:47,983
You want to know what hug
spells backwards? "Gun!"

378
00:15:47,985 --> 00:15:50,352
Now I'm gonna punch you in the face!

379
00:15:50,354 --> 00:15:51,758
Punch, go!

380
00:15:53,012 --> 00:15:54,721
How'd you block that
punch I just announced?

381
00:15:54,721 --> 00:15:56,487
You're not the only one who subscribes

382
00:15:56,490 --> 00:15:58,580
to Sensei Tyler's YouTube channel!

383
00:15:59,060 --> 00:16:00,443
- Punch!
- Block!

384
00:16:00,443 --> 00:16:01,475
- Punch!
- Block!

385
00:16:01,931 --> 00:16:03,137
- Punch!
- Block!

386
00:16:03,137 --> 00:16:04,377
- Punch!
- Block!

387
00:16:04,772 --> 00:16:06,029
- Punch!
- Block!

388
00:16:08,543 --> 00:16:11,444
I'm gonna try a move on you now
that you've never seen before,

389
00:16:11,566 --> 00:16:13,365
and you won't be able to get out of!

390
00:16:16,761 --> 00:16:18,459
I'm trying so hard to fight it off,

391
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:20,409
but the only option I have

392
00:16:20,434 --> 00:16:22,234
is to retaliate with the same attack!

393
00:16:22,677 --> 00:16:25,035
I can't tell if this
is beautiful or stupid.

394
00:16:25,731 --> 00:16:28,622
It's both. I gotta go find my mom.

395
00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:32,611
Okay, you clearly just
kissed the top of his head.

396
00:16:32,611 --> 00:16:34,777
It's a classic Japanese mouth attack!

397
00:16:35,581 --> 00:16:36,680
It hurt, do it again!

398
00:16:40,619 --> 00:16:43,086
Hey, guys! Guys, has anybody seen my mom?

399
00:16:43,088 --> 00:16:44,654
I'm afraid that she got upset and went home

400
00:16:44,702 --> 00:16:46,090
when nobody would help her.

401
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:48,594
Her stuff's still here.
Her coat, her purse, her...

402
00:16:51,182 --> 00:16:52,815
Patterned holiday cube.

403
00:16:52,886 --> 00:16:55,759
It's a Christmas present,
dude. How Jewish are you?

404
00:16:55,886 --> 00:16:58,964
Wait, it says "To Justin, Love, Carol"!

405
00:16:58,964 --> 00:17:00,497
She got us all presents!

406
00:17:00,499 --> 00:17:02,465
It's a Weight Watchers
approved Chilean cookbook!

407
00:17:03,573 --> 00:17:05,826
It's a box set of "Call the Midwife"!

408
00:17:06,336 --> 00:17:08,803
It's a picture of my nemesis Karlie Kloss

409
00:17:08,805 --> 00:17:10,922
straining on a toilet! Yes!

410
00:17:12,008 --> 00:17:13,307
It's a paternity test

411
00:17:13,309 --> 00:17:15,343
identifying the father of my child!

412
00:17:15,345 --> 00:17:16,466
Oh my God!

413
00:17:16,842 --> 00:17:19,317
My husband? Come on.

414
00:17:19,671 --> 00:17:21,782
Guys, just because Carol got us presents

415
00:17:21,782 --> 00:17:23,220
doesn't mean we should all feel guilty.

416
00:17:23,517 --> 00:17:24,616
I mean...

417
00:17:28,122 --> 00:17:29,329
I hurted Mumsy.

418
00:17:29,490 --> 00:17:32,389
Oh my gosh, she did all of this for us,

419
00:17:32,414 --> 00:17:34,693
and we couldn't lift a finger to help her!

420
00:17:35,008 --> 00:17:36,507
You know what? It is not too late

421
00:17:36,509 --> 00:17:38,976
to give my mom the
Christmas that she deserves!

422
00:17:38,978 --> 00:17:41,712
She's gonna need her little
elves now more than ever!

423
00:17:41,714 --> 00:17:44,482
I'm not an elf! Just because
I baked cookies in a tree

424
00:17:44,484 --> 00:17:47,885
one time... Oh, you mean...
right. Yes, Katie, you find Carol,

425
00:17:47,887 --> 00:17:50,013
- we'll get to work!
- Yeah!

426
00:17:51,010 --> 00:17:52,706
A wrinkle-free shirt!

427
00:17:58,565 --> 00:18:00,565
_

428
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:01,872
Ooh.

429
00:18:02,335 --> 00:18:04,902
I'm sure the Ghost of
Christmas Future wouldn't mind

430
00:18:04,904 --> 00:18:07,268
if I took a few nibbles of his sandwich!

431
00:18:09,375 --> 00:18:11,928
Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future?

432
00:18:13,531 --> 00:18:14,712
Oh!

433
00:18:14,714 --> 00:18:16,447
Why are we at a beach house?

434
00:18:16,449 --> 00:18:19,350
I thought you were supposed
to show me some terrible future

435
00:18:19,352 --> 00:18:21,052
that would help me change my ways,

436
00:18:21,054 --> 00:18:23,588
but this isn't scary at all!

437
00:18:23,590 --> 00:18:26,023
Aah! Ah! A little crab! No!

438
00:18:26,025 --> 00:18:27,058
Girls, come on!

439
00:18:27,060 --> 00:18:29,393
Look, there's Katie.

440
00:18:29,395 --> 00:18:30,389
Oh...

441
00:18:31,898 --> 00:18:33,932
And she has kids!

442
00:18:34,482 --> 00:18:36,640
I got everything I wanted.

443
00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:40,025
Well, I guess I don't
have to change my ways!

444
00:18:40,050 --> 00:18:41,553
Have a good summer, teach!

445
00:18:43,524 --> 00:18:47,159
Wait, it's Christmas? But Katie knows

446
00:18:47,161 --> 00:18:48,954
I hate warm weather Christmases.

447
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:52,625
Unless... am I not with her?

448
00:18:52,833 --> 00:18:54,372
Oh, there I am.

449
00:18:55,846 --> 00:18:56,884
Wait.

450
00:18:57,037 --> 00:18:59,857
No! They're spending Christmas

451
00:18:59,882 --> 00:19:01,970
with the husband's mom?

452
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:03,545
Grandma!

453
00:19:03,659 --> 00:19:05,025
No, it can't be!

454
00:19:05,379 --> 00:19:08,661
If she's grandma, then I must be...

455
00:19:08,919 --> 00:19:10,311
Nana?

456
00:19:10,395 --> 00:19:12,462
No!

457
00:19:12,753 --> 00:19:15,420
Spirit, I've seen the error of my ways.

458
00:19:15,422 --> 00:19:17,889
I've ruined Christmas for one and for all.

459
00:19:17,891 --> 00:19:21,593
Please, whatever you do,
don't tell Angie about this!

460
00:19:22,885 --> 00:19:25,285
I won't!

461
00:19:25,287 --> 00:19:27,903
Angie!

462
00:19:28,657 --> 00:19:31,709
No! I'll change! I promise I'll change!

463
00:19:43,339 --> 00:19:45,672
Boy, what day is it?

464
00:19:45,674 --> 00:19:48,656
- It's Christmas, sir!
- Then it's not too late!

465
00:19:52,806 --> 00:19:54,920
Mom! I've been trying to get ahold of you!

466
00:19:54,974 --> 00:19:57,266
I am so sorry! I get it now!

467
00:19:57,296 --> 00:20:00,699
Whether I wanted it or not,
you were doing this all for me.

468
00:20:00,795 --> 00:20:01,977
And look, Carol!

469
00:20:02,662 --> 00:20:04,829
We all worked together to
make Christmas nice for you!

470
00:20:04,831 --> 00:20:06,860
Oh, but don't you see?

471
00:20:06,885 --> 00:20:09,233
All o this, the perfect tree,

472
00:20:09,235 --> 00:20:12,136
the table-scapes, the
stockings hung with care,

473
00:20:12,138 --> 00:20:15,006
it's all crap and who needs it?

474
00:20:15,378 --> 00:20:18,223
None of this is important at all!

475
00:20:18,781 --> 00:20:20,188
Mom, what are you doing?

476
00:20:20,188 --> 00:20:22,288
Stressing about all of this dumb stuff,

477
00:20:22,290 --> 00:20:24,832
it makes the holidays worse, not better!

478
00:20:25,305 --> 00:20:26,915
Come on, everybody!

479
00:20:27,009 --> 00:20:30,259
- Help me ruin Christmas!
- Okay, are you sure?

480
00:20:30,284 --> 00:20:31,999
'Cause this took us a really long time!

481
00:20:32,024 --> 00:20:33,018
Yeah!

482
00:20:40,055 --> 00:20:42,454
- Sitting Crane Back Attack!
- Yeah!

483
00:20:43,634 --> 00:20:45,334
It looks like a piggyback ride.

484
00:20:45,336 --> 00:20:47,240
- It's not a piggyback ride!
- Whee!

485
00:20:47,748 --> 00:20:48,793
Ah!

486
00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:52,474
You know what? This
Christmas is perfect, Katie!

487
00:20:52,905 --> 00:20:55,186
Because everything I need is in this room.

488
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:56,309
Yeah.

489
00:20:57,588 --> 00:20:58,877
Well, except Dad.

490
00:20:59,708 --> 00:21:01,308
Wait, where is Dad?

491
00:21:01,547 --> 00:21:02,956
Hey, Dave, what do you say

492
00:21:02,987 --> 00:21:06,503
- we go get a drink after this?
- No thanks, Miss New Jersey.

493
00:21:06,528 --> 00:21:09,327
I'd rather go home and sit in
the dark, waiting for my Carol.