1 00:00:02,556 --> 00:00:04,149 95... 96... 2 00:00:04,204 --> 00:00:06,430 - 97... 98... - Oh! 3 00:00:06,657 --> 00:00:07,790 99... 4 00:00:07,792 --> 00:00:09,993 100! Wow! 5 00:00:10,383 --> 00:00:12,899 That's so many reps! Aren't ya tired? 6 00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:14,110 - Yes. - Nope! 7 00:00:14,110 --> 00:00:15,442 If you could put me down, please. 8 00:00:15,444 --> 00:00:17,344 Seriously, everyone. Back to work. 9 00:00:18,384 --> 00:00:19,766 - I'm sorry. - Who's this? 10 00:00:19,827 --> 00:00:22,077 My fiancé Carvell. He got suspended from the NFL 11 00:00:22,102 --> 00:00:24,930 for deflating footballs then re-filling them with helium. 12 00:00:24,955 --> 00:00:26,287 They could never prove I did it 13 00:00:26,289 --> 00:00:27,761 because the ball's still in outer space. 14 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:30,550 So you guys are like a real A-list power couple, uh? 15 00:00:30,575 --> 00:00:32,020 Yeah. And it's great, 16 00:00:32,045 --> 00:00:33,945 because we both get to go into the celebrity bunker 17 00:00:33,991 --> 00:00:35,152 once that meteor hits. 18 00:00:35,456 --> 00:00:38,283 I mean, once... nothing... happens. 19 00:00:39,326 --> 00:00:40,726 First order of business... 20 00:00:40,728 --> 00:00:42,628 Blimpie has agreed to partner with us 21 00:00:42,653 --> 00:00:45,126 for an exciting new weekly segment... 22 00:00:45,190 --> 00:00:46,857 The Blimpie Hero of the Week. 23 00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:48,404 Katie, you can produce that. 24 00:00:48,429 --> 00:00:50,729 Okay, fine, so it's just like a profile 25 00:00:50,730 --> 00:00:52,463 on a person who did something heroic? 26 00:00:52,465 --> 00:00:54,599 Actually, it needs to be a profile on a hero sandwich 27 00:00:54,601 --> 00:00:56,968 that did something heroic. Who else has story pitches? 28 00:00:56,970 --> 00:00:59,037 I have one... We can discuss the ramifications 29 00:00:59,039 --> 00:01:01,902 of the United States conducting bombing raids on Libya. 30 00:01:01,988 --> 00:01:03,385 Carvell, can you spin me? 31 00:01:04,039 --> 00:01:07,273 Despite Congress never having officially declared war. 32 00:01:07,581 --> 00:01:08,601 Muah! 33 00:01:08,626 --> 00:01:10,392 Aw! That's nice. 34 00:01:10,584 --> 00:01:13,218 Do you know what Dr. Maria from the radio always says? 35 00:01:13,220 --> 00:01:15,286 - Kissing helps you live longer. - It does? 36 00:01:15,286 --> 00:01:18,061 I'll do that and stop taking this stupid heart medicine. 37 00:01:18,094 --> 00:01:20,656 I'm sorry, Carvell, having you here is a bit distracting. 38 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:21,948 Oh, my bad, guys. 39 00:01:22,328 --> 00:01:23,601 Have a great meeting. 40 00:01:25,398 --> 00:01:27,203 And please leave Portia. 41 00:01:28,311 --> 00:01:30,077 Sorry about that. Carvell and I 42 00:01:30,079 --> 00:01:31,612 don't get to spend that much time together 43 00:01:31,614 --> 00:01:33,617 because of football, but now I have him 44 00:01:33,649 --> 00:01:35,055 all to myself. 45 00:01:35,313 --> 00:01:36,490 I think it's gonna be 46 00:01:36,492 --> 00:01:37,649 really good for our relationship. 47 00:01:37,649 --> 00:01:39,549 Oh. How did you two meet? Just so you know, 48 00:01:39,552 --> 00:01:41,886 I'm only asking so I can tell you how Dave and I met. 49 00:01:41,911 --> 00:01:43,543 Well, I was a sideline reporter. 50 00:01:43,561 --> 00:01:45,294 And one game, Joe Namath painted a microphone 51 00:01:45,296 --> 00:01:47,429 on his crotch and tried to get me to interview him with it. 52 00:01:47,431 --> 00:01:49,031 But Carvell defended my honor 53 00:01:49,033 --> 00:01:51,166 and stuffed Joe Namath in a trash can. 54 00:01:51,168 --> 00:01:52,601 It was really romantic. 55 00:01:52,603 --> 00:01:54,436 Oh, great. My story. 56 00:01:54,438 --> 00:01:56,138 My first day at the law firm. 57 00:01:56,140 --> 00:02:00,189 I walk into the men's room nude on a dare from Jan. 58 00:02:00,214 --> 00:02:01,914 Now, back story on Jan... 59 00:02:01,939 --> 00:02:04,649 Can we please, please continue with the meeting? 60 00:02:04,685 --> 00:02:06,351 Stop the meeting! I hold in my hand 61 00:02:06,353 --> 00:02:10,210 an extra ticket to the David Blaine show tonight. 62 00:02:10,241 --> 00:02:12,241 Yes, it is inspired by "The Matrix." 63 00:02:12,266 --> 00:02:14,199 Now, to decide who gets to go with me, 64 00:02:14,201 --> 00:02:15,868 a magic trivia contest! 65 00:02:15,870 --> 00:02:19,471 Penn Jillette sealed himself in the trunk of what car 66 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:22,920 for a "Celebrity Apprentice" sponsorship presentation? 67 00:02:27,650 --> 00:02:28,689 Anybody! 68 00:02:28,719 --> 00:02:30,085 I really don't wanna go, 69 00:02:30,087 --> 00:02:32,350 - but it was a Buick Verano. - Shh! 70 00:02:35,483 --> 00:02:37,475 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 71 00:02:37,549 --> 00:02:39,149 Sorry I haven't called until now. 72 00:02:39,151 --> 00:02:41,014 I was actually in Venezuela covering the riots. 73 00:02:41,085 --> 00:02:42,451 It's okay. I've been pretty busy 74 00:02:42,452 --> 00:02:43,718 - at the office too. - Oh, yeah? 75 00:02:43,720 --> 00:02:44,738 What're you working on? 76 00:02:44,739 --> 00:02:45,926 Why be ashamed to tell you 77 00:02:45,926 --> 00:02:47,941 when I could be ashamed to show you? 78 00:02:49,567 --> 00:02:52,253 And the crash survivors lived off that Italian sub 79 00:02:52,330 --> 00:02:53,548 for ten days. 80 00:02:53,573 --> 00:02:56,127 That's why he's our Hero of the Week. 81 00:02:56,530 --> 00:02:57,793 - Woof! - Yep. 82 00:02:58,597 --> 00:03:00,532 Well, we've all had our share of fluff pieces. 83 00:03:00,534 --> 00:03:03,269 I just wish I could do something exciting for once. 84 00:03:03,271 --> 00:03:05,137 You know, I'm going on a stakeout tonight. 85 00:03:05,387 --> 00:03:07,287 - Why don't you come with? - A stakeout? 86 00:03:07,289 --> 00:03:09,156 Yeah. I got a hot tip that this congressman is being 87 00:03:09,158 --> 00:03:11,224 blackmailed over some photos he doesn't want to get out. 88 00:03:11,226 --> 00:03:12,392 Nobody knows what they have on 'em. 89 00:03:12,394 --> 00:03:13,893 - Ooh... - Just kiddin'. 90 00:03:14,096 --> 00:03:16,263 It's sex stuff. It's always sex stuff. 91 00:03:16,265 --> 00:03:18,165 Wow. So you're gonna get some hot snaps 92 00:03:18,196 --> 00:03:20,438 - of the loot drop? - Those aren't terms, but yeah. 93 00:03:20,463 --> 00:03:22,293 Oh, I would love to, but I can't. 94 00:03:22,318 --> 00:03:24,217 I made plans with my mom to watch "Goose," 95 00:03:24,219 --> 00:03:26,219 the sexy Mother Goose adaptation on the CW 96 00:03:26,221 --> 00:03:28,522 - set in present day Miami. - So cancel on her. 97 00:03:28,524 --> 00:03:30,924 She'd go insane if she found out I was on a stakeout. 98 00:03:30,926 --> 00:03:32,893 - She hates danger. - Look, I get it. 99 00:03:32,895 --> 00:03:34,895 - If you're scared... - No! I'm not scared. 100 00:03:34,920 --> 00:03:37,128 Honestly, "Goose" is probably scarier than your thing. 101 00:03:37,153 --> 00:03:38,999 Last week, the serial killer, Itsy Bitsy, 102 00:03:39,001 --> 00:03:41,068 almost killed Detective Muffet with his Hot Crossbow. 103 00:03:41,070 --> 00:03:43,198 Wait. This show might be bad. 104 00:03:43,625 --> 00:03:45,339 You know what? I'll be there. 105 00:03:46,037 --> 00:03:47,100 All right. 106 00:03:52,662 --> 00:03:53,710 Hey! 107 00:03:53,712 --> 00:03:55,445 That football was signed by Dan Marino 108 00:03:55,447 --> 00:03:58,348 to my ex-wife! "For all the crazy nights." 109 00:03:58,748 --> 00:04:01,373 Sorry, man. This guy was just callin' my name. 110 00:04:02,342 --> 00:04:04,943 Well, technically, this is a she. 111 00:04:04,945 --> 00:04:08,446 Hey, aren't you Portia's fiancé, the football star? 112 00:04:08,471 --> 00:04:10,948 Well, I don't know how much of a star I am anymore. 113 00:04:10,963 --> 00:04:13,125 I spent the last 12 years in the League. 114 00:04:13,140 --> 00:04:14,952 A lotta my bones are inside out. 115 00:04:14,977 --> 00:04:16,844 Well, I know a little something about that. 116 00:04:17,036 --> 00:04:20,237 I'm actually an elder statesman in my field as well. 117 00:04:20,239 --> 00:04:22,280 Ah... so you get it! 118 00:04:22,623 --> 00:04:23,917 Hey, you ever feel like 119 00:04:23,917 --> 00:04:25,969 everybody's just waitin' on you to hang it up? 120 00:04:25,969 --> 00:04:28,103 Totally! This industry has been trying to 121 00:04:28,105 --> 00:04:30,265 send me out on an ice floe for years. 122 00:04:30,311 --> 00:04:33,079 But guess what... I survived being on an ice floe 123 00:04:33,081 --> 00:04:34,680 for two weeks when I tried to make my own 124 00:04:34,682 --> 00:04:37,055 - "March of the Penguins." - You know what? 125 00:04:37,218 --> 00:04:39,826 I'm not ready to retire either. I don't care 126 00:04:39,851 --> 00:04:42,759 what my neurologist says... says... says... says. 127 00:04:42,759 --> 00:04:45,541 That's the spirit! Hey, pass that thing over here! 128 00:04:46,863 --> 00:04:48,997 Aah! Sorry. 129 00:04:48,999 --> 00:04:50,695 I played defense in high school. 130 00:04:50,797 --> 00:04:52,830 - Muscle memory. - Man, I'm not allowed 131 00:04:52,832 --> 00:04:55,242 to talk to any of my teammates during my suspension, 132 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,838 so it's kinda nice to have a guy I can throw the ball with. 133 00:04:57,838 --> 00:04:58,927 Oh. 134 00:04:59,862 --> 00:05:01,829 Say, you wouldn't be interested in going to 135 00:05:01,854 --> 00:05:03,541 a "Matrix" -themed magic show 136 00:05:03,586 --> 00:05:05,886 featuring none of the original cast, would ya? 137 00:05:08,691 --> 00:05:11,125 Hey, Mom, I can't watch "Goose" tonight. 138 00:05:11,127 --> 00:05:14,430 I don't really feel well. I think I ate something weird. 139 00:05:14,664 --> 00:05:15,730 - Really? - Yeah. 140 00:05:15,732 --> 00:05:17,198 That's not like you. 141 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:19,233 All the boys used to call you The Iron Stomach 142 00:05:19,235 --> 00:05:21,235 and pay good money to watch you eat. 143 00:05:21,237 --> 00:05:22,950 Well, I hope you feel better. 144 00:05:23,255 --> 00:05:24,840 We can watch it tomorrow night. 145 00:05:30,429 --> 00:05:32,930 911, it's Carol. My daughter just lied to me, 146 00:05:32,932 --> 00:05:34,665 which means she is in grave danger. 147 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:37,279 Would you connect me, please, to Liam Neeson's line? 148 00:05:39,679 --> 00:05:41,138 Carvell, I'm home! 149 00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:43,436 - Oh, nice! Nice, man. - Good move. 150 00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:45,342 - Good job, good job. - Carvell? 151 00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:46,810 What makes you jump up like that? 152 00:05:46,812 --> 00:05:48,378 Which one am I? Oh, I got it! 153 00:05:48,380 --> 00:05:50,781 - What's Chuck doing here? - We had so much fun 154 00:05:50,783 --> 00:05:53,234 at David Blaine, we decided to keep hanging out here. 155 00:05:53,258 --> 00:05:55,024 We drank all the beers. 156 00:05:55,026 --> 00:05:56,492 We prank called Chuck's urologist. 157 00:05:56,494 --> 00:05:58,486 And we went for a swim. 158 00:05:58,486 --> 00:05:59,685 We made a pool show. 159 00:05:59,687 --> 00:06:01,186 Carvell chose all the music, 160 00:06:01,188 --> 00:06:02,688 and I designed the moves. 161 00:06:02,690 --> 00:06:04,225 Then Chuck swam through my legs. 162 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:05,647 And then I pop up, 163 00:06:05,649 --> 00:06:07,914 and he throws me, and I do a special spin. 164 00:06:08,581 --> 00:06:11,085 Okay, so you guys are like friends now? 165 00:06:11,087 --> 00:06:12,266 Big time! 166 00:06:12,823 --> 00:06:15,390 It's not easy to make friends if you're a famous adult male. 167 00:06:15,392 --> 00:06:17,859 And Carvell and I have like a ton in common. 168 00:06:18,055 --> 00:06:20,188 We're both really into compilations 169 00:06:20,190 --> 00:06:22,024 of sexy commercials 170 00:06:22,026 --> 00:06:24,261 that they can't show in the United States! 171 00:06:24,261 --> 00:06:26,041 Ha ha! Yes! 172 00:06:26,730 --> 00:06:28,707 Hey, babe, can he sleep over? 173 00:06:28,793 --> 00:06:30,789 Please, Mrs. Carvell? 174 00:06:32,171 --> 00:06:34,471 Hey, Greg, would you mind driving me home? 175 00:06:34,473 --> 00:06:36,907 It's gotten dark, and I have trouble driving at night. 176 00:06:36,909 --> 00:06:38,375 I once thought a stop sign 177 00:06:38,377 --> 00:06:40,744 was a logo for a new Target in my town. 178 00:06:40,746 --> 00:06:42,446 I got so excited I sped up 179 00:06:42,448 --> 00:06:45,114 - and T-boned an ambulance. - Sure, Carol, it's fine. 180 00:06:45,145 --> 00:06:47,585 Don't worry. I'm not up to something. 181 00:06:49,275 --> 00:06:50,933 I'm so sorry. What were you saying? 182 00:06:53,458 --> 00:06:55,658 I can't believe I'm on a real stakeout. 183 00:06:55,660 --> 00:06:57,293 A congressman getting blackmailed... 184 00:06:57,295 --> 00:06:59,195 I feel like I'm on "House of Cards." 185 00:06:59,197 --> 00:07:01,230 Freddy, you have outdone yourself 186 00:07:01,232 --> 00:07:03,275 - with these ribs. - Oh, you know what? 187 00:07:03,275 --> 00:07:04,770 There's some bottles of Gatorade down there 188 00:07:04,808 --> 00:07:06,879 if you need something to drink. And then pee in. 189 00:07:06,904 --> 00:07:08,571 And then accidentally almost drink. 190 00:07:09,873 --> 00:07:11,357 And then five times drink. 191 00:07:15,117 --> 00:07:16,921 Where are we? This isn't where you live. 192 00:07:16,981 --> 00:07:18,747 Greg, I have a confession to make. 193 00:07:18,788 --> 00:07:21,422 When we were speaking earlier, my fingers were crossed. 194 00:07:21,447 --> 00:07:23,347 - Not again. - I'm worried about Katie. 195 00:07:23,372 --> 00:07:25,939 She lied to me, and I think she's in trouble. 196 00:07:25,964 --> 00:07:27,797 I needed somebody brave and strong 197 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,072 to help me spy on her, 198 00:07:29,072 --> 00:07:31,606 but I'm not allowed within 50 yards of Scott Bakula, 199 00:07:31,608 --> 00:07:33,514 - so I brought you. - We're leaving. 200 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:36,234 You're not going without these keys. 201 00:07:36,259 --> 00:07:37,258 Aah! 202 00:07:37,743 --> 00:07:39,299 We're still not leaving. 203 00:07:42,511 --> 00:07:44,846 Oh, stop pouting. We can leave as soon as 204 00:07:44,848 --> 00:07:47,287 we figure out what's going on in that car. 205 00:07:47,639 --> 00:07:49,615 If you're bored, listen to Dr. Maria. 206 00:07:49,672 --> 00:07:51,621 She gives love advice on her show, 207 00:07:51,621 --> 00:07:53,187 and it can get pretty steamy. 208 00:07:53,189 --> 00:07:56,324 And after my third hysterectomy, 209 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,314 the dryness... 210 00:07:58,314 --> 00:08:00,514 Okay, I hate this. Please, can we leave? 211 00:08:00,516 --> 00:08:01,682 Katie's obviously on a date. 212 00:08:01,684 --> 00:08:03,050 She didn't want to tell you 213 00:08:03,052 --> 00:08:04,386 because she thought you'd go insane. 214 00:08:04,386 --> 00:08:06,286 - Which you did. - Oh, God, a date? 215 00:08:06,287 --> 00:08:08,674 I thought she was with a cartel guy 216 00:08:08,699 --> 00:08:10,486 using her as a drug mule. 217 00:08:10,511 --> 00:08:12,123 But a date is so much worse! 218 00:08:12,148 --> 00:08:14,715 - What are you talking about? - What kind of a garbage man 219 00:08:14,717 --> 00:08:18,014 would take a girl on a date in the warehouse district? 220 00:08:18,039 --> 00:08:20,572 At least when she was dating that actual garbage man, 221 00:08:20,574 --> 00:08:23,442 he took her for a moonlit carriage ride in the dump. 222 00:08:23,444 --> 00:08:26,312 This is all your fault. If you had just made a move. 223 00:08:26,314 --> 00:08:27,963 Katie obviously liked y... 224 00:08:28,864 --> 00:08:30,473 I'm sorry, Katie obviously liked... 225 00:08:30,498 --> 00:08:31,528 Nothing. Nothing. 226 00:08:31,528 --> 00:08:33,194 I'm just a tired old woman. 227 00:08:33,196 --> 00:08:34,595 Forget everything I said. 228 00:08:34,597 --> 00:08:36,259 I mean, I haven't said anything. 229 00:08:36,284 --> 00:08:38,451 I still haven't. I still haven't. 230 00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:39,781 Katie loves you. 231 00:08:39,781 --> 00:08:41,627 Aah! I mean she likes you a lot. 232 00:08:41,660 --> 00:08:44,627 Damn it! I thought my hands were stronger than this! 233 00:08:45,955 --> 00:08:48,789 Hey, when do blackmail exchanges tend to go down? 234 00:08:48,791 --> 00:08:51,458 It's probably gonna be pretty soon, huh, 235 00:08:51,460 --> 00:08:53,665 - on a weeknight? - No, no, dude. 236 00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:55,431 You can't yawn, all right? 237 00:08:55,850 --> 00:08:57,516 Ahh! It's contagious. 238 00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:01,099 Ah! Okay. Snap out of it, Jeremy. 239 00:09:01,153 --> 00:09:02,819 It's only night one. You have not earned 240 00:09:02,821 --> 00:09:05,040 - your Lindor truffles yet. - Wait... night one? 241 00:09:05,071 --> 00:09:07,238 You don't even know what night this is going down? 242 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,140 Take it easy, cable news, all right? 243 00:09:09,142 --> 00:09:11,075 It's okay if you can't hang. Go home and get some sleep. 244 00:09:11,077 --> 00:09:12,577 I'll probably be out here again tomorrow. 245 00:09:12,579 --> 00:09:13,778 You can come stick it out with me then. 246 00:09:13,780 --> 00:09:14,846 I'm not too tired. 247 00:09:14,848 --> 00:09:16,075 I'm fine, thank you. 248 00:09:16,249 --> 00:09:18,182 I actually have an idea. What if we rode 249 00:09:18,184 --> 00:09:20,685 that turtle to Grandma's and she took us to Karen? 250 00:09:20,687 --> 00:09:22,287 You know what, you're right. I'm gonna go. 251 00:09:22,289 --> 00:09:23,421 Good idea. 252 00:09:24,157 --> 00:09:26,024 You think Katie's interested in me. 253 00:09:26,026 --> 00:09:27,350 How do you know that? 254 00:09:27,861 --> 00:09:30,028 Because I have eyes, Greg. 255 00:09:30,030 --> 00:09:31,996 You two could have had a good thing 256 00:09:31,998 --> 00:09:34,332 if you hadn't blown it with your stupid British 257 00:09:34,334 --> 00:09:36,334 "I have feelings for you, Katie", 258 00:09:36,336 --> 00:09:38,336 "but from afar. What, what? 259 00:09:38,338 --> 00:09:40,949 I seem to have misplaced my hat!" 260 00:09:41,641 --> 00:09:43,574 Oh, great, this jamoke won't even 261 00:09:43,576 --> 00:09:45,343 give her a ride home. 262 00:09:46,005 --> 00:09:47,190 Let's go. 263 00:09:51,504 --> 00:09:52,826 So when I say go, 264 00:09:52,826 --> 00:09:54,393 I'll jump in swan position. 265 00:09:54,395 --> 00:09:56,194 You catch me, throw me back in the air, 266 00:09:56,196 --> 00:09:57,814 triple flips, splashless dive, 267 00:09:57,814 --> 00:09:59,714 "Dirty Dancing" lift. Got it? 268 00:10:00,085 --> 00:10:01,418 Okay, ready? 269 00:10:01,442 --> 00:10:02,542 - Go! - Hey, guys! 270 00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:03,824 You're supposed to catch me! 271 00:10:05,590 --> 00:10:07,523 Chuck, can I talk to you for a second? 272 00:10:07,525 --> 00:10:08,446 Sure. 273 00:10:09,227 --> 00:10:10,727 Oh. Whew. 274 00:10:11,380 --> 00:10:12,498 What's up, Portia? 275 00:10:12,498 --> 00:10:14,165 Maybe... you should spend tonight 276 00:10:14,167 --> 00:10:16,177 in your own house. Please? 277 00:10:16,177 --> 00:10:17,943 I'll let you say, "Howdy, neighbors" 278 00:10:17,945 --> 00:10:19,878 - at the top of the show. - I don't really like 279 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:21,780 - cowboy stuff anymore. - Okay, well, 280 00:10:21,782 --> 00:10:23,849 this is my house, and if you're here tonight, 281 00:10:23,851 --> 00:10:25,795 then I'm zapping you with my new line of Tasers. 282 00:10:26,253 --> 00:10:27,290 Bye, babe! 283 00:10:28,155 --> 00:10:30,481 What's up with your bitch? I'm sorry, that was rude. 284 00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:31,826 What's up with your bitch wife? 285 00:10:31,862 --> 00:10:33,284 Uh, we're actually not married. 286 00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:34,984 We've just been engaged for five years. 287 00:10:34,985 --> 00:10:37,051 Five years? That's how long it took me 288 00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:38,787 to get engaged, married, divorced, 289 00:10:38,789 --> 00:10:42,023 and acquitted of her attempted vehicular manslaughter. 290 00:10:42,048 --> 00:10:44,583 Honestly... I don't even see us 291 00:10:44,608 --> 00:10:45,960 getting married anytime soon. 292 00:10:45,962 --> 00:10:47,262 You know what it's like when you're with somebody 293 00:10:47,264 --> 00:10:49,503 for a long time? You get comfortable, 294 00:10:49,528 --> 00:10:52,296 You lose the spark. Anyway, 295 00:10:52,298 --> 00:10:53,977 I'ma go work on my handstands. 296 00:10:57,126 --> 00:10:59,772 So Carvell's losing interest in Portia. 297 00:11:00,733 --> 00:11:03,593 Obviously, she's underperforming in the boudoir. 298 00:11:04,203 --> 00:11:06,846 Portia, there's something you need to see. 299 00:11:06,846 --> 00:11:09,312 I told you, Chuck, the Muppets are not funny to me. 300 00:11:09,370 --> 00:11:11,648 Just listen. In the early '90s, 301 00:11:11,688 --> 00:11:13,451 I produced a series of 302 00:11:13,476 --> 00:11:15,774 marital therapy videotapes. 303 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:16,909 - You what? - I never mention it 304 00:11:16,911 --> 00:11:18,991 because I don't like to brag, 305 00:11:18,992 --> 00:11:20,625 and legally, I'm not supposed to, 306 00:11:20,627 --> 00:11:23,554 due to complains by a certain costar 307 00:11:23,687 --> 00:11:25,706 who "didn't know we were releasing them." 308 00:11:25,822 --> 00:11:27,955 But I think these might be the answer 309 00:11:27,957 --> 00:11:30,454 to your relationship problems with Carvell. 310 00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:34,330 _ 311 00:11:36,131 --> 00:11:38,232 Hi. I'm Chuck Pierce. 312 00:11:38,452 --> 00:11:40,883 You know me as a trusted newsman, 313 00:11:40,894 --> 00:11:42,972 but what you may not know about me 314 00:11:42,997 --> 00:11:45,180 is that I love sex. 315 00:11:45,307 --> 00:11:48,442 Especially in the confines of marriage. 316 00:11:48,444 --> 00:11:50,978 - Oh, no. - Kathy Ireland once told me 317 00:11:50,980 --> 00:11:53,080 I was the world's greatest kisser. 318 00:11:53,082 --> 00:11:56,316 And now, I'm gonna pass that technique on to you. 319 00:11:56,318 --> 00:11:59,429 Step one... you're gonna want a wet mouth. 320 00:11:59,558 --> 00:12:00,954 Try thinking about steak. 321 00:12:00,956 --> 00:12:02,856 Let's bring the camera in too close 322 00:12:02,858 --> 00:12:04,572 to see how I do it. 323 00:12:07,496 --> 00:12:09,630 This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. 324 00:12:09,632 --> 00:12:11,612 - Turn it off. - No, you need to watch. 325 00:12:11,665 --> 00:12:13,767 Carvell said the spark was gone. 326 00:12:14,054 --> 00:12:16,550 That means he has lost interest in you. 327 00:12:16,857 --> 00:12:18,550 Eyes on the screen! 328 00:12:18,578 --> 00:12:20,163 A man needs encouragement. 329 00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:21,917 Try helpful phrases like, 330 00:12:21,919 --> 00:12:23,819 "It's okay if you wanna take a nap 331 00:12:23,821 --> 00:12:25,220 and start up again later." 332 00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,692 Turn this off! Carvell's not the one 333 00:12:27,717 --> 00:12:29,604 not interested in me. I'm the one 334 00:12:29,635 --> 00:12:31,723 who doesn't wanna marry him. Oh my god! 335 00:12:31,873 --> 00:12:32,859 What? 336 00:12:33,241 --> 00:12:35,078 I've never admitted that before, but... 337 00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:37,955 it's true. The passion is gone. 338 00:12:37,957 --> 00:12:39,490 We only have sex, like... 339 00:12:39,662 --> 00:12:42,793 three times a day. That's celebrity bed death! 340 00:12:42,795 --> 00:12:44,842 No wonder you didn't want me at your house. 341 00:12:44,867 --> 00:12:47,334 You were jealous of the masculine chemistry 342 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,913 - that Carvell and I shared. - No. 343 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,447 I just didn't like you being there. 344 00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:53,188 After you come over, it's like a "Chuck house," you know? 345 00:12:53,984 --> 00:12:56,154 God... I think I have to end it. 346 00:13:02,324 --> 00:13:03,707 Hi. You wanted to see me? 347 00:13:03,732 --> 00:13:05,365 Yes. I did a little research 348 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:07,856 after our stakeout. I had a contact at the DMV 349 00:13:07,881 --> 00:13:10,052 run the plates of the guy that Katie was with last night. 350 00:13:10,052 --> 00:13:12,435 Turns out, he's a "New York Times" reporter. 351 00:13:12,593 --> 00:13:16,228 Ha! She's dating a guy that works at "The Times"? 352 00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:17,663 Oh, I love that paper! 353 00:13:17,719 --> 00:13:19,797 Nice and thick for killing silverfish. 354 00:13:19,836 --> 00:13:21,369 No. Don't you see what this means? 355 00:13:21,371 --> 00:13:23,080 They were probably working on a story together. 356 00:13:23,105 --> 00:13:25,340 So it wasn't a date. She's available. 357 00:13:26,699 --> 00:13:27,764 To be punished. 358 00:13:28,081 --> 00:13:30,381 For freelancing for another news organization. 359 00:13:30,575 --> 00:13:33,376 Well, she did cancel watching "Goose" with me again tonight. 360 00:13:33,378 --> 00:13:35,345 Maybe they're going back out there. 361 00:13:35,347 --> 00:13:37,313 Well, then, you know what? We have to follow them again. 362 00:13:37,315 --> 00:13:39,816 No. Now that we know she's not in trouble, 363 00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:41,451 that's an invasion of privacy! 364 00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:42,919 It would be an invasion of privacy 365 00:13:42,921 --> 00:13:44,833 if it were a date, but it's not. 366 00:13:45,023 --> 00:13:47,736 - It's work-related. - Ohh... I guess! 367 00:13:47,822 --> 00:13:49,726 Carol, I know you're just an intern, 368 00:13:49,728 --> 00:13:51,194 but this is basic work stuff. 369 00:13:51,441 --> 00:13:54,977 401k, computer, out-of-office reply, 370 00:13:55,178 --> 00:13:57,011 secret night watching. Believe me, 371 00:13:57,013 --> 00:13:59,655 it is all... very... work. 372 00:14:00,614 --> 00:14:01,918 Okay... 373 00:14:03,925 --> 00:14:05,720 Hey, Carvell, you ready to rehearse? 374 00:14:05,722 --> 00:14:07,021 I'm having a rough day, man. 375 00:14:07,023 --> 00:14:09,223 I hope my mood doesn't affect my moves. 376 00:14:10,660 --> 00:14:12,327 Mm-hmm. Okay. 377 00:14:12,787 --> 00:14:15,034 Uh-huh, yeah. All right. 378 00:14:15,298 --> 00:14:16,972 Oh. Okay. 379 00:14:17,434 --> 00:14:18,766 That... 380 00:14:18,943 --> 00:14:20,370 was terrible. 381 00:14:20,879 --> 00:14:21,967 What's wrong? 382 00:14:23,414 --> 00:14:24,757 Portia broke up with me. 383 00:14:24,816 --> 00:14:26,282 Wha... 384 00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,283 Who could've known earlier? 385 00:14:28,285 --> 00:14:29,918 Well, honestly, though, she was pretty annoying. 386 00:14:29,920 --> 00:14:31,887 And now you and I can spend as much time together 387 00:14:31,889 --> 00:14:33,455 - as we want. - Yeah, but... 388 00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:35,957 - I'm devastated. - I'll help ya get over it. 389 00:14:36,271 --> 00:14:37,927 We will swim it out! 390 00:14:38,183 --> 00:14:39,858 Boy, I wish I had had a best friend 391 00:14:39,858 --> 00:14:41,403 when I was going through my divorce. 392 00:14:41,693 --> 00:14:43,677 Well, I had Todd. 393 00:14:43,703 --> 00:14:45,669 Of course, that was only for a few minutes 394 00:14:45,671 --> 00:14:47,471 until he turned out to be a process server. 395 00:14:47,473 --> 00:14:49,306 I just wish there was some way to fix it. 396 00:14:49,308 --> 00:14:50,642 - Yeah. - Like if there was 397 00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:51,799 some type of love guide. 398 00:14:51,837 --> 00:14:53,470 Did you say love guide? 399 00:14:54,221 --> 00:14:56,547 Okay, I know I wussed out on the stakeout last night, 400 00:14:56,549 --> 00:14:58,349 but tonight, I mean business. 401 00:14:58,351 --> 00:15:00,877 I brought rations and surveillance equipment. 402 00:15:01,085 --> 00:15:03,552 Okay. I see a cut-up banana 403 00:15:03,656 --> 00:15:05,857 and what appears to be 404 00:15:06,289 --> 00:15:08,785 a "Pirates of the Caribbean" sky glass. 405 00:15:09,092 --> 00:15:10,854 Yeah, no offense, but these are the supplies 406 00:15:10,886 --> 00:15:11,909 of a grade-A wuss. 407 00:15:11,964 --> 00:15:13,830 I'm the wuss? Look who's talking, 408 00:15:13,832 --> 00:15:17,003 Mr. "Ooh, my Lindor truffles, my sweet treat!" 409 00:15:17,028 --> 00:15:18,729 I was bleeding out in Afghanistan. 410 00:15:18,971 --> 00:15:20,604 The bullet wound was the exact size 411 00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,551 of a Lindor truffle, and I swore to myself 412 00:15:22,599 --> 00:15:24,032 right there and then that if I ever made it 413 00:15:24,034 --> 00:15:25,463 - out of there alive... - Hey, we get it. You're really brave. 414 00:15:25,685 --> 00:15:27,427 All right, I can see them in the car. 415 00:15:27,724 --> 00:15:29,257 Welcome back, listeners. 416 00:15:29,259 --> 00:15:31,090 Now, we settle in. 417 00:15:31,528 --> 00:15:33,094 Sure you don't want a bite? 418 00:15:33,096 --> 00:15:35,196 Eating's the only way to get rid of the smell. 419 00:15:35,198 --> 00:15:37,613 Oh, God, it's Cat. 420 00:15:37,713 --> 00:15:40,118 Hello, love. Sorry, I'm... 421 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:42,533 I'm stuck late at work. 422 00:15:42,535 --> 00:15:44,453 Tonight. Yeah, we, um, 423 00:15:44,638 --> 00:15:47,472 we lost the bag that we keep all the news in. 424 00:15:47,911 --> 00:15:49,641 So... hopefully that turns up. 425 00:15:49,643 --> 00:15:51,509 - See you at home. Bye. - And moving on 426 00:15:51,511 --> 00:15:53,378 to our next caller. What's troubling you? 427 00:15:53,380 --> 00:15:54,712 My problem is I think my boss 428 00:15:54,714 --> 00:15:56,381 is in love with my daughter. 429 00:15:56,383 --> 00:15:58,016 He was pretending to spy on her 430 00:15:58,018 --> 00:16:00,084 for professional reasons, but then he just 431 00:16:00,086 --> 00:16:01,285 lied to his girlfriend 432 00:16:01,287 --> 00:16:03,034 - about where he was... - Carol! 433 00:16:03,356 --> 00:16:04,844 - Oh, oh, oh! - You see that? 434 00:16:06,108 --> 00:16:08,520 Oh, whoa! It's like a million diamonds... 435 00:16:08,553 --> 00:16:10,828 Ah. Okay. It's a kaleidoscope. 436 00:16:10,853 --> 00:16:12,386 No, it's happening. The congressman's 437 00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:13,918 security detail should be here any minute. 438 00:16:13,962 --> 00:16:15,545 We just need some pictures of them making the pickup. 439 00:16:15,577 --> 00:16:17,077 But you're gonna get pictures 440 00:16:17,079 --> 00:16:18,779 - of what's in the bag, right? - I don't think 441 00:16:18,781 --> 00:16:19,846 - that's a good idea. - That's the real story! 442 00:16:19,848 --> 00:16:21,092 We have to get pictures of 443 00:16:21,117 --> 00:16:23,052 what's in the bag to see what he's being blackmailed for. 444 00:16:23,073 --> 00:16:24,346 But they're gonna be here any minute. 445 00:16:24,371 --> 00:16:25,804 Do you know who politicians hire 446 00:16:25,805 --> 00:16:27,471 for security in the state of New Jersey? 447 00:16:27,473 --> 00:16:28,973 People who would have been in the Mafia, 448 00:16:28,975 --> 00:16:30,504 but they didn't get good enough grades. 449 00:16:30,504 --> 00:16:31,803 Oh, are you scared? 450 00:16:31,806 --> 00:16:33,973 'Cause that's okay, if you're a wuss. 451 00:16:34,401 --> 00:16:36,468 When I let slip that Katie liked you, 452 00:16:36,470 --> 00:16:38,637 all the feelings you didn't even know you had 453 00:16:38,692 --> 00:16:41,531 bubbled up, and why wouldn't they, Greg? 454 00:16:41,556 --> 00:16:43,958 She's smart, she's 3/4 me. 455 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,303 - She has Nana's yabbos. - Carol, I promise you, 456 00:16:46,305 --> 00:16:48,243 I do not have feelings for your daughter. 457 00:16:49,575 --> 00:16:51,408 - Wait. Where are they going? - It looks like 458 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:53,911 they're taking pictures of a duffle bag. 459 00:16:53,936 --> 00:16:56,770 Jeez! This is the worst date I've ever seen. 460 00:16:56,772 --> 00:16:58,562 Don't you see, Carol? They're clearly taking pictures 461 00:16:58,562 --> 00:16:59,727 for a story. 462 00:17:00,249 --> 00:17:02,619 So I was right. It's not a date. 463 00:17:05,955 --> 00:17:07,362 Oh, God, they're gonna get caught. 464 00:17:10,187 --> 00:17:11,390 Katie's in trouble. 465 00:17:11,453 --> 00:17:13,653 Oh, please, Lord, don't kill Katie. 466 00:17:13,654 --> 00:17:16,555 Take Dave instead. He's been calling you a weenie 467 00:17:16,557 --> 00:17:17,882 and saying you wouldn't do it. 468 00:17:23,742 --> 00:17:25,273 Hey! Sandwich attack! 469 00:17:28,441 --> 00:17:29,573 'Twas a prank. 470 00:17:31,776 --> 00:17:33,342 Uhh! 471 00:17:34,153 --> 00:17:37,189 - We did it! We got the story! - You got it. You got it! 472 00:17:37,445 --> 00:17:38,978 I got so many hot shots of the loot drop! 473 00:17:38,980 --> 00:17:39,945 Those are terms, by the way. 474 00:17:39,947 --> 00:17:41,391 I'm so sorry I lied to you. 475 00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:46,751 The coast is clear. You scared them off. 476 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:51,268 Ohh... don't look, Greg. 477 00:17:51,555 --> 00:17:53,411 I'll tell you when it's over. 478 00:17:54,553 --> 00:17:55,768 Still going. 479 00:17:56,429 --> 00:17:57,795 Still going. 480 00:17:58,503 --> 00:18:01,365 Oh, you're gonna hate what he's doing to her now, Greg. 481 00:18:01,676 --> 00:18:04,744 Carol, promise me you'll never tell anyone 482 00:18:04,769 --> 00:18:05,755 about this night. 483 00:18:05,786 --> 00:18:08,583 I promise. No crossies. 484 00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,934 Well, my toes are crossed, but that's a genetic mutation 485 00:18:11,934 --> 00:18:14,093 because my grandmother's my grandfather's son. 486 00:18:16,806 --> 00:18:19,173 Feels like yesterday that I met Carvell. 487 00:18:19,175 --> 00:18:20,781 It's hard to believe it was... 488 00:18:22,009 --> 00:18:23,675 the day before yesterday. 489 00:18:23,677 --> 00:18:25,811 Hey, man, I'm going to CVS... wanna come? 490 00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:28,697 Carvell, I would love that, 491 00:18:28,955 --> 00:18:30,554 but I care about you too much 492 00:18:30,556 --> 00:18:32,625 to not do what's best for you. 493 00:18:34,794 --> 00:18:37,361 You know I don't watch VHS tapes since "The Ring." 494 00:18:37,363 --> 00:18:39,129 I still get the willies every time I see 495 00:18:39,131 --> 00:18:40,882 a Japanese girl crawl out of a well. 496 00:18:40,907 --> 00:18:42,557 Oh! Trust me, 497 00:18:42,868 --> 00:18:45,227 this one's not gonna be scary. 498 00:18:50,810 --> 00:18:53,510 A woman's body... The nape of the neck, 499 00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:55,352 the trace of the collar bone, 500 00:18:55,634 --> 00:18:57,040 the boobus. 501 00:18:58,206 --> 00:19:00,275 Hey, Mom, can I talk to you for a second? 502 00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:02,273 I have to come clean. I've been lying to you. 503 00:19:02,499 --> 00:19:04,699 I got this chance to go after a huge story 504 00:19:04,701 --> 00:19:06,134 with this "New York Times" reporter, 505 00:19:06,136 --> 00:19:07,469 but I didn't want you to worry, 506 00:19:07,471 --> 00:19:09,070 and now I think I might like this guy. 507 00:19:09,072 --> 00:19:12,171 But I just wanna thank you for respecting my privacy. 508 00:19:12,170 --> 00:19:14,287 Oh, I owe you an apology too. 509 00:19:15,202 --> 00:19:18,308 I'm sorry I raised you to think lying was okay. 510 00:19:18,801 --> 00:19:19,957 Okay. Yeah. 511 00:19:20,408 --> 00:19:22,742 So anyway, what happened on "Goose" this week? 512 00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:25,678 - You watched last night, right? - Hmm. Nothing. 513 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,214 They just... kinda sat around. 514 00:19:28,426 --> 00:19:29,758 Huh. 515 00:19:30,016 --> 00:19:31,618 Oh. Okay. 516 00:19:33,597 --> 00:19:36,098 Boy, I'll sleep well tonight. 517 00:19:36,373 --> 00:19:39,231 Thanks for sparring with me, [BLEEP]. 518 00:19:39,275 --> 00:19:42,038 And people can see you starring in your new comedy 519 00:19:42,038 --> 00:19:44,105 "Reba" this fall. Is that correct? 520 00:19:44,107 --> 00:19:46,541 That is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. 521 00:19:46,543 --> 00:19:49,110 That's funny... that's exactly what Portia said! 522 00:19:49,112 --> 00:19:50,419 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 523 00:19:51,008 --> 00:19:52,562 You showed this to Portia? 524 00:19:52,562 --> 00:19:54,395 Yeah. Right before she broke up with you. 525 00:19:54,733 --> 00:19:55,899 Why do you ask? 526 00:19:55,901 --> 00:19:57,668 - Aah! - I'm gonna kill you! 527 00:19:57,670 --> 00:19:59,942 - No! No! - I'm gonna take out the trash! 528 00:19:59,967 --> 00:20:01,137 No, my skeleton! 529 00:20:05,749 --> 00:20:07,911 Carvell! What are you doing? 530 00:20:07,913 --> 00:20:09,521 I'm sorry. It's just Chuck showed me 531 00:20:09,521 --> 00:20:11,287 the tapes he showed you, and I lost it. 532 00:20:11,289 --> 00:20:13,744 You Joe Namathed his ass. 533 00:20:14,826 --> 00:20:16,793 Most of the time, Carvell and I try to avoid 534 00:20:16,795 --> 00:20:18,795 gender stereotypes in our relationship, 535 00:20:18,797 --> 00:20:21,364 but I also love when big muscle men 536 00:20:21,366 --> 00:20:22,876 hurt other men for me. 537 00:20:25,537 --> 00:20:27,971 - I miss you, Portia. - I miss you too. 538 00:20:27,973 --> 00:20:30,356 Maybe we aren't so different from who we once were. 539 00:20:30,542 --> 00:20:32,242 Sure, you were a second stringer, 540 00:20:32,244 --> 00:20:33,877 and my name was Tabby Fudge, 541 00:20:33,879 --> 00:20:36,460 but maybe... the spark is still there. 542 00:20:38,150 --> 00:20:40,728 Love is so romantic when both people are hot. 543 00:20:40,886 --> 00:20:42,752 May I come out now? 544 00:20:42,754 --> 00:20:43,944 Ooh! 545 00:20:49,595 --> 00:20:50,601 Hey! 546 00:20:51,396 --> 00:20:53,184 The tapeth worked! 547 00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:56,932 Hey, Greg? 548 00:20:57,147 --> 00:20:58,826 Oh, my gosh, what happened to your face? 549 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,791 Oh. I ran into a deer last night. 550 00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:03,293 But I saw your car in the lot... it looked fine. 551 00:21:03,627 --> 00:21:04,628 Right. 552 00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:06,630 I ran into it... jogging. 553 00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:08,335 Listen, I hate to say this, 554 00:21:08,336 --> 00:21:10,469 but I can't do that hero sandwich segment. 555 00:21:10,761 --> 00:21:12,494 There just haven't been any sandwiches 556 00:21:12,496 --> 00:21:13,862 involved in an act of bravery 557 00:21:13,864 --> 00:21:15,401 - this week. - You're right, Katie. 558 00:21:15,426 --> 00:21:16,658 - That's fine. - Okay. 559 00:21:16,683 --> 00:21:17,787 Thanks. 560 00:21:18,336 --> 00:21:20,669 But there was a hero sandwich. 561 00:21:20,671 --> 00:21:21,881 There was. 562 00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,980 I know, Carol.