Mm, almost time, ladies.
Katie, welcome to my gender reveal party.
Oh, Jessica, your house is so beautiful.
Are you kidding? Ugh, it is such a mess.
Mason and Grayson drew all over the walls
before you guys got here.
#MomFail.
But how are you?
When are you gonna move back to New Jersey like the rest of us?
Honestly, I'm just having too much fun.
I mean, you remember what it's like living in Manhattan.
Going out, getting wild, hooking up
with the lead singer of Blues Traveler.
No, I told you that wasn't him.
Well, it was some fat guy.
The point is, I love my New York life.
Really?
'Cause it seems like from your Instagram
that you're always laying in bed,
trying to win some #CrazyForDoritos contest.
Trying to win? They invited me to the Cool Ranch.
I don't know what that is.
Uh-oh! The cake is here! It's gender reveal time.
Ohh, what is it gonna be?
No peeking!
It's a boy!
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
there's something else in there.
It's a girl. You tricked us.
Oh, my gosh. Uh-oh.
It's empty. Something must have gone wrong.
Wait, Katie.
What is that on your back?
Hm?
What is it? I... I can't see.
I can... I can...
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com
Hey, what's wrong?
You're making that face you make
♪ When I sing about how cute you are ♪
Do you remember that girl
Jessica Mancuso from high school?
- Uh-huh. - Oh, her Instagram
drives me crazy.
"Oh, look at my cute kids, my golden retriever
and my shower that's not full of dishes."
Oh, I love that dog.
- It's a rescue. - Wait, how do you know that?
I follow her on Instagram. Her feed is like mom porn.
You go on there if you wanna see what your daughter's life
would be like if she listened to you.
It's so... hot.
What, just because Jessica moved back to New Jersey?
Not just New Jersey, she bought the house
across the street from her parents.
So now stupid Barbara Mancuso gets to see
her grandkids every day.
Plus, she got an electric wheelchair
so now she doesn't even have to use her arms.
You know what? I'm happy I didn't make
the choices Jessica made.
I love my work hard/play hard, but replace play hard
with more work hard lifestyle.
Oh! Who put that skelerton in my path.
Ohh! Or that ghastly apparition?
What is she doing?
The nerve of these decorations...
Oh, Mom isn't crazy about Halloween.
She was raised Roman Catholic with a dash
of Old World superstition.
Look, I just believe there are forces in this world
that we do not understand and we shouldn't mess with them.
Especially you, or your baby's gonna be born with hooves.
Oh, well, that would narrow down who the father is.
- Wait, what? - I'm just saying,
- you gotta be careful. - Okay, Mom. That's good.
This is not a joke, Katherine.
I want you to wear this cross, just to be safe.
It was worn by Great Grandma on the Titanic.
She used to be Great Grandpa, but she wanted
to get in one of the lifeboats.
I have an exciting announcement to make.
We are adding a new piece of technology to "The Breakdown."
It better not be that FOX NFL robot.
He stole my dance.
- Nope. - It's a GeniusScreen.
Look, you can pull up graphics, you can shrink and enlarge,
and then when you're finished, you just circle away.
It even responds to voice commands.
GeniusScreen, what is 73 times 49?
3,577.
That's correct.
Fine, I don't know if it's correct.
I'm stupid. Are you happy?
Well, I'm not using it.
Look, we are behind the times.
All the top anchors use GeniusScreens.
Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer...
Chuck Pierce is a top anchor!
Oh, damn it. All right, fine. I'll use it.
But it's not allowed to be taller than me.
Hey, guys. So sorry I'm late.
Last night, Beyoncé's ex-fiancé hosted a Halloween séance.
Excuse me, séancé.
Hey, Portia, have any fun New York plans tonight?
Not really. I have dinner at a pop-up sushi bar
on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange.
And then at 3:00 a.m., I'm DJing at Club Foot.
And after that, I'll probably go out.
Oh, see, that's exactly the type of thing
that I should be doing.
- Can I come withies? - Well, my other friends
are on "Bachelor in Paradise" right now...
and for reasons I can't get into can never come back... so...
Sure.
The Senate votes tonight on the President's
Moon Ladder Bill.
For a look at how the votes will fall,
we turn now to our new GeniusScreen.
- Chuck. - Thank you, Portia.
These are the senators currently on the fence.
So far so good.
Rand Paul is predicted to... whoops.
GeniusScreen, enlarge.
G... GeniusScreen, enlarge.
Enlarge!
No, not his crotch.
Not so good, not so good.
Circle away. Circle awa...
Whoops, I seem to have unlocked some sort of drawing feature.
Ahh! GeniusScreen, erase penis!
Erase penis! Hold on, folks.
GeniusScreen, go back in time to before this happened to me!
Erase penis!
That GeniusScreen made me look like an idiot.
I want it gone.
And you, you're probably friends with him.
Maybe you just need practice.
It's not about practice. The damn thing doesn't work.
I think I saw a main screw fall off
and roll into the sewer
- where nobody can get it. - I bet I could get it to work.
- I'm great at technology. - Perfect.
If she can get it to work, maybe she can teach you.
Fine. But good luck.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
I've been to the sexual harassment seminar 20 times.
And I still try to kiss the makeup girl on the mouth.
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh. That was so much fun!
I can't believe someone thought I was your sister.
No, they thought you were a nun.
Anyway. Okay, moment of truth.
Oh, my God!
The photo I posted of us got 368 likes.
And Jessica called me a FOMO.
Oh, my God. She thinks we're hooking up.
- Wait, should we? - No.
FOMO stands for fear of missing out.
- She's jealous of you. - Yes, I am finally cool.
- Cowabunga! - Well, I should call
my secret rich person Uber that comes immediately.
Portia, thanks so much for tonight.
How much do I owe you?
Aw, you can get it to me tomorrow.
It's eleven fifty.
Oh, wow. It's only eleven dollars and fifty cents.
What are cents?
Ohh, God.
Why are you wearing sunglasses inside?
Is it another eclipse?
I can't bear it. They make me so cold.
I went out with Portia last night.
Till 5:00 a.m.
But now my Instagram is blowing up. Look!
- Oh, I can't see it. - Someone named Jessica
- just posted a new picture. - What? She did?
She seems to have accidentally
knitted her children matching sweaters.
Ooh, I like that quite a bit.
No, Greg! Don't like it!
She's just doing this to one-up me.
Oh, my God. What are you going to do?
And who is going to care?
Mm.
Portia! Are you going out again tonight?
Do I breathe?
No, I take a once-a-day pill so I don't have to.
But yes, I'm going out.
Okay. See, Chuck, it does work.
You just have to click and drag.
Now let's try it together.
Oh. I don't know.
Come on.
- Okay. - Uhh... ahh...
There you go.
Okay, I'm gonna let you go.
No, don't let go, Carol Don't let go.
Don't you dare let go. Oh, my God!
You let go!
And I'm doing it.
Now I'm going too fast!
Oh, no!
Ah, I skinned my knee!
Oh, it's okay, Chuck.
Being scared is nothing to be ashamed of.
I'm not scared. That stupid piece of junk
just does whatever it wants, anyway.
- The damn thing's possessed. - Chuck! Don't even joke
about anything like that.
Especially this time of year!
Hang on, you can't seriously believe this screen
- could be possessed. - I'm just saying,
the devil takes many forms.
Especially in physical objects.
That's why this Pope is so good,
because he believes in real stuff like exorcisms
and not saying Candyman...
- That's one. - Candyman?
- Oh... - What's Candyman?
- That's three! - What have you done?
Carol?
Hey, you're good with computers, right?
Sure. My therapist says I relate better to computers
than I do people.
Probably because I'm not afraid
they'll abandon me like my dad.
Shut up and focus or I'm out of here.
I need your help with the GeniusScreen.
You want me to teach you how to use it?
No. I wanna get out of using it
by driving an old woman insane.
Yeah, hi, I need to make some monthly budget cuts
and I read that Cronket Wireless
has the cheapest phone plans.
Ah... oh, sorry. You're breaking up.
Yeah, yeah I can hold while you stand closer
to a lightning rod.
Hey, lady!
Hey, girl.
Oh, this is so embarrassing.
You caught me carving pumpkins with the kids.
How is that embarrassing?
And also, you called me.
Our life is such a mess,
but it's ours.
Anyway, I'm loving your Insta lately.
Looks like you really are living the dream.
Suddenly After we spoke about it.
No, I've... I've always been this cool.
Hey, if you don't have any Halloween plans,
we do a little thing at our house.
Well, I do have plans, um, with Portia.
Really? Because Portia just tweeted
that she's going to Jaden and Willow Smith's
Halloween Extravaganza.
That is... correct.
I will be going to whatever you just said.
Anyway, if you don't wind up going 'cause you're lying,
you're welcome here.
The kids just love their Aunt Katie.
They pray for you every night.
That's really sweet. I don't need their prayers, though
'cause I'm doing really, really great.
Hey Katie, I know you said you didn't have money
- for lunch this morning... - Don't... don't talk...
But someone left this burrito on the toilet.
- Shh. - You want it?
Hey, Portia, I need to go to that Halloween party with you.
Ugh, this party's not for you, Katie.
You have to have an expensive, one-of-a-kind costume.
Last year, Ariana Grande went as the Statue of Liberty...
Actual size.
There were immigrants inside of her.
I promise. My costume's gonna be just as good as yours.
Oh. This isn't my costume.
This is my costume.
Katie, you're trying to have a life
that does not belong to you.
Like Dr. Faustus, my gynecologist
who turned out to be Andy Dick doing a prank.
Turn back, before it's too late!
No. I'm going to that party
and we are taking a selfie together.
Sure, whatevs.
Now this'll be really scary, right?
Like the time I was naked
and I looked at a mirror on the floor.
Yeah.
You sure you wanna do this?
Carol's, like, your friend.
She's coming! Get out of here! Go on!
I owe you nothing!
Carol.
I'm ready to get started.
Well, now that's the attitude I'm looking for.
Ahh! Holy God!
Ah. No!
Carol.
What do you want?!
- Carol. - Help! Help!
In conclusion, the genius screen has been possessed
by the dark lord Satan.
I consulted Father Kevin and he said
all we needed to do is perform an exorcism
and then bury its remains in a sacred tomb
underneath Damascus.
We're not doing that.
But Greg, it's really haunted.
- I'm scared. - So just to be clear, Chuck,
your story is the screen worked fine
then you embarrassed yourself on national television
then real quick, a demon got in it.
Yes, that's it.
I guess the only thing to do now is to get rid of it.
Fine. You win.
Yes!
I mean, damn it! I love that screen like a brother.
- Hello, there. - Sorry, Katie,
- I'm on my break. - How did you know
- my name was Katie? - Girl, you're all named Katie.
- Please, please, wait. - I need a spectacular,
one-of-a-kind Halloween costume
to show up some dumb Jersey bitches.
- Intrigued. - This is all the cash I have.
What can I get for $103?
Girl, for $103, hm...
I can give you the world.
Behold, my masterpiece.
Hey. This sucks. I'm not buying this.
No, too late, girl. I already threw your clothes away.
Ugh.
Wait, what about that?
Well, that's not $103.
Would this settle the debt?
Why, yes, my dear.
I believe that would.
Girl, this is a Party City.
Go to the pawn shop, get cash and come back.
I don't care what anyone says.
Tonight is gonna be a magical night.
Oh, ew. Six times surge pricing.
No thanks.
I bet the bus is fun on Halloween.
Keep it down back there,
I'm trying to make toilet.
Bus is so hot.
Well, I'm not turning off my toaster oven.
- I'm cooking a strudel. - _
Ugh, stupid Cronket Wireless.
- Whoa! - My soup!
- Ohh. - Now what am I supposed to
give the trick-or-treaters?
Uhh! Stupid New York City!
I mean, boy, I love this town.
Who's there?
If you're an intruder, I have a gun.
And don't try taking it and using it on me
because it doesn't work.
What the hell?
Oh. It's you, GeniusScreen.
You scared me.
Well, good-bye.
- Carol. - Oh, give it a rest!
If you expect me to feel guilty,
you really are possessed.
- Carol. - I know she's my friend.
But it's her job to solve my problems
and she did that by being terrified.
It doesn't mean I'm a bad guy.
- I'm good! - Carol.
I'm good! And cool.
Would you like to restart?
Of course I wanna restart.
I wanna go back to before.
Before I was a heartless monster
who tricked old simpletons for his own gain.
I wanna be a boy again.
Back in Nebraska, discovering my body
in the corn fields.
Oh, take me back, GeniusScreen.
Take me back, take me back.
Take me back.
Ah!
I'm moving now!
Hi. How are you?
Katie Wendelson. I'm on the list.
I can't let you in. I have a daughter
so it hurts me to say this,
but you are very ugly and extremely disgusting.
No, please. I need to get inside, okay?
Even if it's just for one picture.
The answer's still no.
May God have mercy on your soul.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
There's something
- in the bushes. - What is it?
It's some kind of creature.
- Ahh! - Only fire will kill it!
Oh. What are you guys looking at?
- Katie? - Portia, Portia,
I don't have a lot of time. We have to
take a selfie before they kick me out.
Chilling with my girl,
@PortiaScottGriffith
♪ NewYork ♪IProvedlt and send!
_
I can't post it. This was all for nothing.
All because of Cronket Wireless.
Cronket Wireless. Cronket Wireless!
- Cronket Wireless! - Okay, here we go.
Carol.
GeniusScreen, you haveth no power here.
I want you to know that I'm sorry.
Whateth?
And I'm sorry, too.
The screen's not possessed.
I had Justin program it to scare you.
Because I didn't want to learn how to use it.
- So I taught it to apologize. - You did what?
Oh, look. I... I guess the real demon here...
- Real? Where? - A metaphor, Carol.
Metaphor, is that its name?
Metaphor, be gone!
You are not welcome here!
Carol, I'm saying, my own insecurities
and yes, fears made me do something bad
to a nice lady.
And I'm sorry. I suppose I could forgive you.
The funny thing is, in order for you to apologize,
You actually taught yourself how to use that thing.
Huh. I guess I did.
Hey, Genius screen.
Let's take a picture of this touching moment.
_
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica.
- Katie! - Oh, God,
- I summoned it. - Hey, sweetie, here you go.
I made it from scratch.
The soup and the tureen.
Yeah, when you didn't post anything last night,
I said to the hubs, Katie must be sick.
I mean,
why else would you not have Insta'd from that party?
You know what?
I give up.
All that stuff I posted on Instagram
was just to try to prove to you and to my mother
and to myself that I made good choices.
But you know what? I guess I didn't.
The closest I ever got to the "Sex and the City lifestyle"
was going on one date with a man named Mr. Pig.
Okay? Are you happy?
Katie, nobody's life is perfect.
Look at mine. I mean, between taking care of
my three adorable children, Grayson, Mason
and my unborn gay son Gayson,
I barely have time to keep my hair looking like this.
Um, am I at Madonna's birthday party
back when she was dating that matador?
Because I smell bullcrap.
You think that this lady is better than you
because of her Instagram feed?
Okay, this picture of her kids is Photoshopped.
The shadows are on different sides
- of everyone's faces. - Uh! Not-uh.
Come on, what do you know?
Literally only this.
And they didn't take that vacation to Mykonos.
She and her husband put their heads through cardboard cutouts
at the Jersey Shore.
See, the sun has cool sunglasses on.
I should've noticed that.
And this marriage has problems.
Okay, let's not bring the hubs into this.
Look behind her hand. It's a knife handle.
She Photoshopped out the blade.
The only way that she could
get him to smile in a picture
next to her, is by holding a knife
- to his throat. - Oh, God, Jessica.
- Is this true? - True? Uhh...
Oh, you... you think I know what true means anymore.
I stare at Instagram for 19 hours a day.
Oh yeah, you know why I call my husband the hubs?
It's because when I try to say...
Kyle... I throw up in my mouth.
So are you happy now, Katie?
You already have the cool career
and the apartment in the Village
and the famous friends.
No wonder my mother is jealous of your mother.
Hey, Jessica. Comparison is the thief of joy.
But do send Barbara my regards.
In hell.
Uh... uhh...
Hey, I was just wondering
if you guys take returns for gently destroyed costumes.
I just bought it yesterday from Ricard.
Ricard? That's impossible.
He's been dead for 30 years.
It was on Halloween night, in fact.
Some say you can still hear...
Okay, but do you guys take returns?
Yes, but only for store credit.