1 00:00:02,359 --> 00:00:03,655 Mm, almost time, ladies. 2 00:00:04,297 --> 00:00:07,777 Katie, welcome to my gender reveal party. 3 00:00:07,777 --> 00:00:10,044 Oh, Jessica, your house is so beautiful. 4 00:00:10,046 --> 00:00:12,947 Are you kidding? Ugh, it is such a mess. 5 00:00:13,285 --> 00:00:15,749 Mason and Grayson drew all over the walls 6 00:00:15,751 --> 00:00:17,718 before you guys got here. 7 00:00:18,217 --> 00:00:20,621 #MomFail. 8 00:00:20,623 --> 00:00:22,511 But how are you? 9 00:00:22,683 --> 00:00:25,698 When are you gonna move back to New Jersey like the rest of us? 10 00:00:25,723 --> 00:00:27,971 Honestly, I'm just having too much fun. 11 00:00:27,996 --> 00:00:30,864 I mean, you remember what it's like living in Manhattan. 12 00:00:30,926 --> 00:00:32,725 Going out, getting wild, hooking up 13 00:00:32,727 --> 00:00:34,694 with the lead singer of Blues Traveler. 14 00:00:34,696 --> 00:00:36,429 No, I told you that wasn't him. 15 00:00:36,431 --> 00:00:38,031 Well, it was some fat guy. 16 00:00:38,392 --> 00:00:40,384 The point is, I love my New York life. 17 00:00:40,487 --> 00:00:41,581 Really? 18 00:00:41,636 --> 00:00:43,369 'Cause it seems like from your Instagram 19 00:00:43,371 --> 00:00:44,904 that you're always laying in bed, 20 00:00:44,906 --> 00:00:48,446 trying to win some #CrazyForDoritos contest. 21 00:00:48,494 --> 00:00:51,677 Trying to win? They invited me to the Cool Ranch. 22 00:00:51,918 --> 00:00:53,224 I don't know what that is. 23 00:00:53,266 --> 00:00:57,067 Uh-oh! The cake is here! It's gender reveal time. 24 00:00:57,069 --> 00:01:00,161 Ohh, what is it gonna be? 25 00:01:00,248 --> 00:01:02,270 No peeking! 26 00:01:04,819 --> 00:01:05,942 It's a boy! 27 00:01:05,973 --> 00:01:07,107 Wait, wait, wait, wait, 28 00:01:07,107 --> 00:01:09,740 there's something else in there. 29 00:01:11,310 --> 00:01:13,577 It's a girl. You tricked us. 30 00:01:14,505 --> 00:01:16,746 Oh, my gosh. Uh-oh. 31 00:01:16,935 --> 00:01:19,669 It's empty. Something must have gone wrong. 32 00:01:19,694 --> 00:01:20,974 Wait, Katie. 33 00:01:21,308 --> 00:01:22,774 What is that on your back? 34 00:01:22,776 --> 00:01:23,591 Hm? 35 00:01:26,313 --> 00:01:28,662 What is it? I... I can't see. 36 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:30,022 I can... I can... 37 00:01:33,406 --> 00:01:35,906 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 38 00:01:36,257 --> 00:01:37,723 Hey, what's wrong? 39 00:01:37,725 --> 00:01:39,324 You're making that face you make 40 00:01:39,326 --> 00:01:41,860 ♪ When I sing about how cute you are ♪ 41 00:01:41,862 --> 00:01:43,128 Do you remember that girl 42 00:01:43,130 --> 00:01:44,830 Jessica Mancuso from high school? 43 00:01:44,832 --> 00:01:46,365 - Uh-huh. - Oh, her Instagram 44 00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:47,609 drives me crazy. 45 00:01:47,609 --> 00:01:49,776 "Oh, look at my cute kids, my golden retriever 46 00:01:49,778 --> 00:01:51,745 and my shower that's not full of dishes." 47 00:01:51,747 --> 00:01:53,513 Oh, I love that dog. 48 00:01:53,515 --> 00:01:55,784 - It's a rescue. - Wait, how do you know that? 49 00:01:55,809 --> 00:01:59,636 I follow her on Instagram. Her feed is like mom porn. 50 00:01:59,664 --> 00:02:02,165 You go on there if you wanna see what your daughter's life 51 00:02:02,167 --> 00:02:04,191 would be like if she listened to you. 52 00:02:04,336 --> 00:02:07,003 It's so... hot. 53 00:02:07,005 --> 00:02:09,505 What, just because Jessica moved back to New Jersey? 54 00:02:09,507 --> 00:02:11,841 Not just New Jersey, she bought the house 55 00:02:11,843 --> 00:02:13,409 across the street from her parents. 56 00:02:13,411 --> 00:02:16,332 So now stupid Barbara Mancuso gets to see 57 00:02:16,357 --> 00:02:17,789 her grandkids every day. 58 00:02:17,849 --> 00:02:19,482 Plus, she got an electric wheelchair 59 00:02:19,484 --> 00:02:21,618 so now she doesn't even have to use her arms. 60 00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:23,319 You know what? I'm happy I didn't make 61 00:02:23,321 --> 00:02:24,888 the choices Jessica made. 62 00:02:24,890 --> 00:02:26,990 I love my work hard/play hard, but replace play hard 63 00:02:26,992 --> 00:02:28,491 with more work hard lifestyle. 64 00:02:32,164 --> 00:02:35,165 Oh! Who put that skelerton in my path. 65 00:02:35,501 --> 00:02:38,571 Ohh! Or that ghastly apparition? 66 00:02:40,072 --> 00:02:41,271 What is she doing? 67 00:02:41,273 --> 00:02:42,939 The nerve of these decorations... 68 00:02:42,941 --> 00:02:44,574 Oh, Mom isn't crazy about Halloween. 69 00:02:44,576 --> 00:02:46,710 She was raised Roman Catholic with a dash 70 00:02:46,712 --> 00:02:48,210 of Old World superstition. 71 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:50,310 Look, I just believe there are forces in this world 72 00:02:50,312 --> 00:02:53,246 that we do not understand and we shouldn't mess with them. 73 00:02:53,248 --> 00:02:56,216 Especially you, or your baby's gonna be born with hooves. 74 00:02:56,218 --> 00:02:58,218 Oh, well, that would narrow down who the father is. 75 00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,986 - Wait, what? - I'm just saying, 76 00:02:59,988 --> 00:03:02,155 - you gotta be careful. - Okay, Mom. That's good. 77 00:03:02,157 --> 00:03:04,227 This is not a joke, Katherine. 78 00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:07,093 I want you to wear this cross, just to be safe. 79 00:03:07,095 --> 00:03:10,507 It was worn by Great Grandma on the Titanic. 80 00:03:10,632 --> 00:03:13,133 She used to be Great Grandpa, but she wanted 81 00:03:13,135 --> 00:03:14,834 to get in one of the lifeboats. 82 00:03:16,789 --> 00:03:18,515 I have an exciting announcement to make. 83 00:03:18,564 --> 00:03:21,399 We are adding a new piece of technology to "The Breakdown." 84 00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,969 It better not be that FOX NFL robot. 85 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:25,170 He stole my dance. 86 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:28,106 - Nope. - It's a GeniusScreen. 87 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:31,810 Look, you can pull up graphics, you can shrink and enlarge, 88 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:34,316 and then when you're finished, you just circle away. 89 00:03:34,785 --> 00:03:36,448 It even responds to voice commands. 90 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:39,754 GeniusScreen, what is 73 times 49? 91 00:03:39,757 --> 00:03:42,300 3,577. 92 00:03:42,346 --> 00:03:43,448 That's correct. 93 00:03:44,553 --> 00:03:45,952 Fine, I don't know if it's correct. 94 00:03:45,954 --> 00:03:47,651 I'm stupid. Are you happy? 95 00:03:48,024 --> 00:03:49,323 Well, I'm not using it. 96 00:03:49,325 --> 00:03:50,758 Look, we are behind the times. 97 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,093 All the top anchors use GeniusScreens. 98 00:03:53,095 --> 00:03:55,095 Anderson Cooper, Wolf Blitzer... 99 00:03:55,097 --> 00:03:57,063 Chuck Pierce is a top anchor! 100 00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:00,011 Oh, damn it. All right, fine. I'll use it. 101 00:04:00,317 --> 00:04:02,169 But it's not allowed to be taller than me. 102 00:04:02,689 --> 00:04:04,071 Hey, guys. So sorry I'm late. 103 00:04:04,438 --> 00:04:07,763 Last night, Beyoncé's ex-fiancé hosted a Halloween séance. 104 00:04:07,908 --> 00:04:09,858 Excuse me, séancé. 105 00:04:12,701 --> 00:04:16,048 Hey, Portia, have any fun New York plans tonight? 106 00:04:16,050 --> 00:04:18,417 Not really. I have dinner at a pop-up sushi bar 107 00:04:18,419 --> 00:04:20,252 on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange. 108 00:04:20,498 --> 00:04:22,807 And then at 3:00 a.m., I'm DJing at Club Foot. 109 00:04:22,967 --> 00:04:24,400 And after that, I'll probably go out. 110 00:04:24,402 --> 00:04:25,868 Oh, see, that's exactly the type of thing 111 00:04:25,870 --> 00:04:27,203 that I should be doing. 112 00:04:27,472 --> 00:04:29,371 - Can I come withies? - Well, my other friends 113 00:04:29,373 --> 00:04:31,173 are on "Bachelor in Paradise" right now... 114 00:04:31,175 --> 00:04:34,188 and for reasons I can't get into can never come back... so... 115 00:04:35,179 --> 00:04:37,259 Sure. 116 00:04:40,343 --> 00:04:42,443 The Senate votes tonight on the President's 117 00:04:42,484 --> 00:04:43,416 Moon Ladder Bill. 118 00:04:43,418 --> 00:04:45,285 For a look at how the votes will fall, 119 00:04:45,287 --> 00:04:47,320 we turn now to our new GeniusScreen. 120 00:04:47,322 --> 00:04:49,159 - Chuck. - Thank you, Portia. 121 00:04:49,184 --> 00:04:52,469 These are the senators currently on the fence. 122 00:04:52,494 --> 00:04:53,815 So far so good. 123 00:04:54,486 --> 00:04:57,420 Rand Paul is predicted to... whoops. 124 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,662 GeniusScreen, enlarge. 125 00:05:00,236 --> 00:05:02,576 G... GeniusScreen, enlarge. 126 00:05:02,962 --> 00:05:04,056 Enlarge! 127 00:05:04,529 --> 00:05:05,795 No, not his crotch. 128 00:05:05,797 --> 00:05:06,896 Not so good, not so good. 129 00:05:06,898 --> 00:05:08,764 Circle away. Circle awa... 130 00:05:08,766 --> 00:05:11,567 Whoops, I seem to have unlocked some sort of drawing feature. 131 00:05:11,829 --> 00:05:14,430 Ahh! GeniusScreen, erase penis! 132 00:05:14,432 --> 00:05:16,739 Erase penis! Hold on, folks. 133 00:05:17,094 --> 00:05:20,035 GeniusScreen, go back in time to before this happened to me! 134 00:05:20,037 --> 00:05:22,008 Erase penis! 135 00:05:22,032 --> 00:05:24,373 That GeniusScreen made me look like an idiot. 136 00:05:24,375 --> 00:05:25,635 I want it gone. 137 00:05:25,843 --> 00:05:27,623 And you, you're probably friends with him. 138 00:05:28,206 --> 00:05:29,839 Maybe you just need practice. 139 00:05:29,841 --> 00:05:32,111 It's not about practice. The damn thing doesn't work. 140 00:05:32,257 --> 00:05:34,720 I think I saw a main screw fall off 141 00:05:34,745 --> 00:05:37,025 and roll into the sewer 142 00:05:37,073 --> 00:05:39,473 - where nobody can get it. - I bet I could get it to work. 143 00:05:39,475 --> 00:05:41,775 - I'm great at technology. - Perfect. 144 00:05:41,777 --> 00:05:43,911 If she can get it to work, maybe she can teach you. 145 00:05:43,913 --> 00:05:45,873 Fine. But good luck. 146 00:05:45,905 --> 00:05:48,205 You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 147 00:05:48,207 --> 00:05:51,642 I've been to the sexual harassment seminar 20 times. 148 00:05:51,644 --> 00:05:54,444 And I still try to kiss the makeup girl on the mouth. 149 00:05:54,446 --> 00:05:56,547 Thank you. 150 00:05:56,549 --> 00:05:58,582 Oh, my gosh. That was so much fun! 151 00:05:58,584 --> 00:06:00,884 I can't believe someone thought I was your sister. 152 00:06:00,886 --> 00:06:02,753 No, they thought you were a nun. 153 00:06:02,755 --> 00:06:05,408 Anyway. Okay, moment of truth. 154 00:06:05,624 --> 00:06:06,924 Oh, my God! 155 00:06:06,926 --> 00:06:09,726 The photo I posted of us got 368 likes. 156 00:06:09,728 --> 00:06:11,756 And Jessica called me a FOMO. 157 00:06:11,898 --> 00:06:13,598 Oh, my God. She thinks we're hooking up. 158 00:06:13,671 --> 00:06:15,288 - Wait, should we? - No. 159 00:06:15,316 --> 00:06:17,549 FOMO stands for fear of missing out. 160 00:06:17,551 --> 00:06:20,586 - She's jealous of you. - Yes, I am finally cool. 161 00:06:20,588 --> 00:06:22,801 - Cowabunga! - Well, I should call 162 00:06:22,826 --> 00:06:25,421 my secret rich person Uber that comes immediately. 163 00:06:28,484 --> 00:06:30,317 Portia, thanks so much for tonight. 164 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,327 How much do I owe you? 165 00:06:31,545 --> 00:06:32,945 Aw, you can get it to me tomorrow. 166 00:06:32,970 --> 00:06:34,313 It's eleven fifty. 167 00:06:34,332 --> 00:06:36,523 Oh, wow. It's only eleven dollars and fifty cents. 168 00:06:37,492 --> 00:06:38,633 What are cents? 169 00:06:39,252 --> 00:06:40,885 Ohh, God. 170 00:06:46,452 --> 00:06:48,453 Why are you wearing sunglasses inside? 171 00:06:48,455 --> 00:06:49,821 Is it another eclipse? 172 00:06:49,823 --> 00:06:51,523 I can't bear it. They make me so cold. 173 00:06:51,548 --> 00:06:53,193 I went out with Portia last night. 174 00:06:53,233 --> 00:06:54,499 Till 5:00 a.m. 175 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:57,209 But now my Instagram is blowing up. Look! 176 00:06:58,538 --> 00:07:00,305 - Oh, I can't see it. - Someone named Jessica 177 00:07:00,307 --> 00:07:02,106 - just posted a new picture. - What? She did? 178 00:07:02,108 --> 00:07:03,808 She seems to have accidentally 179 00:07:03,810 --> 00:07:05,677 knitted her children matching sweaters. 180 00:07:05,679 --> 00:07:06,811 Ooh, I like that quite a bit. 181 00:07:06,813 --> 00:07:08,479 No, Greg! Don't like it! 182 00:07:08,481 --> 00:07:09,981 She's just doing this to one-up me. 183 00:07:09,983 --> 00:07:11,859 Oh, my God. What are you going to do? 184 00:07:12,157 --> 00:07:13,556 And who is going to care? 185 00:07:13,558 --> 00:07:14,633 Mm. 186 00:07:14,926 --> 00:07:17,026 Portia! Are you going out again tonight? 187 00:07:17,028 --> 00:07:18,733 Do I breathe? 188 00:07:19,030 --> 00:07:21,197 No, I take a once-a-day pill so I don't have to. 189 00:07:21,481 --> 00:07:22,635 But yes, I'm going out. 190 00:07:24,484 --> 00:07:26,384 Okay. See, Chuck, it does work. 191 00:07:26,386 --> 00:07:30,188 You just have to click and drag. 192 00:07:30,190 --> 00:07:31,889 Now let's try it together. 193 00:07:31,891 --> 00:07:33,311 Oh. I don't know. 194 00:07:33,336 --> 00:07:34,396 Come on. 195 00:07:34,604 --> 00:07:35,970 - Okay. - Uhh... ahh... 196 00:07:35,996 --> 00:07:37,228 There you go. 197 00:07:37,230 --> 00:07:38,796 Okay, I'm gonna let you go. 198 00:07:38,798 --> 00:07:40,031 No, don't let go, Carol Don't let go. 199 00:07:40,033 --> 00:07:41,766 Don't you dare let go. Oh, my God! 200 00:07:41,768 --> 00:07:42,900 You let go! 201 00:07:42,902 --> 00:07:44,869 And I'm doing it. 202 00:07:44,871 --> 00:07:46,037 Now I'm going too fast! 203 00:07:46,039 --> 00:07:47,038 Oh, no! 204 00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:48,339 Ah, I skinned my knee! 205 00:07:48,341 --> 00:07:49,941 Oh, it's okay, Chuck. 206 00:07:50,346 --> 00:07:52,809 Being scared is nothing to be ashamed of. 207 00:07:52,811 --> 00:07:54,778 I'm not scared. That stupid piece of junk 208 00:07:54,779 --> 00:07:56,378 just does whatever it wants, anyway. 209 00:07:56,380 --> 00:07:58,914 - The damn thing's possessed. - Chuck! Don't even joke 210 00:07:58,916 --> 00:08:00,049 about anything like that. 211 00:08:00,051 --> 00:08:01,817 Especially this time of year! 212 00:08:01,819 --> 00:08:03,786 Hang on, you can't seriously believe this screen 213 00:08:03,788 --> 00:08:05,354 - could be possessed. - I'm just saying, 214 00:08:05,356 --> 00:08:07,547 the devil takes many forms. 215 00:08:07,595 --> 00:08:09,798 Especially in physical objects. 216 00:08:09,842 --> 00:08:11,441 That's why this Pope is so good, 217 00:08:11,443 --> 00:08:13,777 because he believes in real stuff like exorcisms 218 00:08:13,779 --> 00:08:15,946 and not saying Candyman... 219 00:08:15,948 --> 00:08:17,581 - That's one. - Candyman? 220 00:08:17,583 --> 00:08:19,016 - Oh... - What's Candyman? 221 00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:21,325 - That's three! - What have you done? 222 00:08:23,319 --> 00:08:26,987 Carol? 223 00:08:29,688 --> 00:08:31,988 Hey, you're good with computers, right? 224 00:08:32,203 --> 00:08:35,125 Sure. My therapist says I relate better to computers 225 00:08:35,127 --> 00:08:36,184 than I do people. 226 00:08:36,395 --> 00:08:37,828 Probably because I'm not afraid 227 00:08:37,830 --> 00:08:39,296 they'll abandon me like my dad. 228 00:08:39,298 --> 00:08:40,664 Shut up and focus or I'm out of here. 229 00:08:40,666 --> 00:08:42,365 I need your help with the GeniusScreen. 230 00:08:42,367 --> 00:08:43,900 You want me to teach you how to use it? 231 00:08:43,902 --> 00:08:45,702 No. I wanna get out of using it 232 00:08:45,704 --> 00:08:48,959 by driving an old woman insane. 233 00:09:29,732 --> 00:09:33,100 Yeah, hi, I need to make some monthly budget cuts 234 00:09:33,102 --> 00:09:34,434 and I read that Cronket Wireless 235 00:09:34,436 --> 00:09:35,779 has the cheapest phone plans. 236 00:09:36,806 --> 00:09:38,901 Ah... oh, sorry. You're breaking up. 237 00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:42,118 Yeah, yeah I can hold while you stand closer 238 00:09:42,143 --> 00:09:43,448 to a lightning rod. 239 00:09:47,764 --> 00:09:49,130 Hey, lady! 240 00:09:49,131 --> 00:09:50,463 Hey, girl. 241 00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,732 Oh, this is so embarrassing. 242 00:09:52,734 --> 00:09:55,953 You caught me carving pumpkins with the kids. 243 00:09:56,639 --> 00:09:59,406 How is that embarrassing? 244 00:09:59,408 --> 00:10:00,647 And also, you called me. 245 00:10:00,647 --> 00:10:02,914 Our life is such a mess, 246 00:10:02,916 --> 00:10:04,416 but it's ours. 247 00:10:04,759 --> 00:10:08,461 Anyway, I'm loving your Insta lately. 248 00:10:08,463 --> 00:10:11,251 Looks like you really are living the dream. 249 00:10:11,499 --> 00:10:14,140 Suddenly After we spoke about it. 250 00:10:14,335 --> 00:10:16,635 No, I've... I've always been this cool. 251 00:10:16,637 --> 00:10:18,537 Hey, if you don't have any Halloween plans, 252 00:10:18,539 --> 00:10:20,272 we do a little thing at our house. 253 00:10:20,274 --> 00:10:23,142 Well, I do have plans, um, with Portia. 254 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:25,511 Really? Because Portia just tweeted 255 00:10:25,513 --> 00:10:28,547 that she's going to Jaden and Willow Smith's 256 00:10:28,549 --> 00:10:30,783 Halloween Extravaganza. 257 00:10:30,785 --> 00:10:32,668 That is... correct. 258 00:10:32,693 --> 00:10:35,327 I will be going to whatever you just said. 259 00:10:35,329 --> 00:10:37,629 Anyway, if you don't wind up going 'cause you're lying, 260 00:10:37,631 --> 00:10:39,034 you're welcome here. 261 00:10:39,059 --> 00:10:41,366 The kids just love their Aunt Katie. 262 00:10:41,368 --> 00:10:43,335 They pray for you every night. 263 00:10:43,537 --> 00:10:45,770 That's really sweet. I don't need their prayers, though 264 00:10:45,772 --> 00:10:47,672 'cause I'm doing really, really great. 265 00:10:47,943 --> 00:10:50,077 Hey Katie, I know you said you didn't have money 266 00:10:50,079 --> 00:10:51,845 - for lunch this morning... - Don't... don't talk... 267 00:10:51,847 --> 00:10:54,281 But someone left this burrito on the toilet. 268 00:10:54,283 --> 00:10:55,574 - Shh. - You want it? 269 00:10:59,621 --> 00:11:02,055 Hey, Portia, I need to go to that Halloween party with you. 270 00:11:02,057 --> 00:11:04,224 Ugh, this party's not for you, Katie. 271 00:11:04,226 --> 00:11:06,827 You have to have an expensive, one-of-a-kind costume. 272 00:11:06,829 --> 00:11:10,464 Last year, Ariana Grande went as the Statue of Liberty... 273 00:11:10,466 --> 00:11:11,475 Actual size. 274 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,501 There were immigrants inside of her. 275 00:11:13,502 --> 00:11:16,036 I promise. My costume's gonna be just as good as yours. 276 00:11:16,038 --> 00:11:18,198 Oh. This isn't my costume. 277 00:11:18,223 --> 00:11:20,520 This is my costume. 278 00:11:21,589 --> 00:11:23,890 Katie, you're trying to have a life 279 00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,391 that does not belong to you. 280 00:11:25,847 --> 00:11:28,781 Like Dr. Faustus, my gynecologist 281 00:11:28,783 --> 00:11:31,328 who turned out to be Andy Dick doing a prank. 282 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,574 Turn back, before it's too late! 283 00:11:34,830 --> 00:11:37,197 No. I'm going to that party 284 00:11:37,199 --> 00:11:39,394 and we are taking a selfie together. 285 00:11:40,009 --> 00:11:41,445 Sure, whatevs. 286 00:11:42,177 --> 00:11:44,012 Now this'll be really scary, right? 287 00:11:44,111 --> 00:11:45,410 Like the time I was naked 288 00:11:45,412 --> 00:11:46,863 and I looked at a mirror on the floor. 289 00:11:47,505 --> 00:11:48,603 Yeah. 290 00:11:48,863 --> 00:11:50,029 You sure you wanna do this? 291 00:11:50,054 --> 00:11:51,147 Carol's, like, your friend. 292 00:11:51,593 --> 00:11:53,211 She's coming! Get out of here! Go on! 293 00:11:53,595 --> 00:11:54,961 I owe you nothing! 294 00:11:55,142 --> 00:11:57,409 Carol. 295 00:11:57,559 --> 00:11:59,125 I'm ready to get started. 296 00:11:59,127 --> 00:12:01,333 Well, now that's the attitude I'm looking for. 297 00:12:03,655 --> 00:12:05,272 Ahh! Holy God! 298 00:12:05,405 --> 00:12:06,404 Ah. No! 299 00:12:06,406 --> 00:12:07,539 Carol. 300 00:12:07,541 --> 00:12:08,907 What do you want?! 301 00:12:08,909 --> 00:12:11,647 - Carol. - Help! Help! 302 00:12:11,859 --> 00:12:14,559 In conclusion, the genius screen has been possessed 303 00:12:14,584 --> 00:12:16,107 by the dark lord Satan. 304 00:12:16,146 --> 00:12:17,779 I consulted Father Kevin and he said 305 00:12:17,781 --> 00:12:20,515 all we needed to do is perform an exorcism 306 00:12:20,517 --> 00:12:22,850 and then bury its remains in a sacred tomb 307 00:12:22,852 --> 00:12:24,185 underneath Damascus. 308 00:12:24,187 --> 00:12:26,108 We're not doing that. 309 00:12:26,289 --> 00:12:27,987 But Greg, it's really haunted. 310 00:12:28,085 --> 00:12:30,051 - I'm scared. - So just to be clear, Chuck, 311 00:12:30,053 --> 00:12:32,467 your story is the screen worked fine 312 00:12:32,647 --> 00:12:35,023 then you embarrassed yourself on national television 313 00:12:35,025 --> 00:12:37,225 then real quick, a demon got in it. 314 00:12:37,227 --> 00:12:38,433 Yes, that's it. 315 00:12:38,433 --> 00:12:41,016 I guess the only thing to do now is to get rid of it. 316 00:12:41,564 --> 00:12:43,063 Fine. You win. 317 00:12:43,305 --> 00:12:45,072 Yes! 318 00:12:45,394 --> 00:12:48,609 I mean, damn it! I love that screen like a brother. 319 00:12:51,679 --> 00:12:53,245 - Hello, there. - Sorry, Katie, 320 00:12:53,247 --> 00:12:54,880 - I'm on my break. - How did you know 321 00:12:54,882 --> 00:12:58,040 - my name was Katie? - Girl, you're all named Katie. 322 00:12:58,070 --> 00:13:00,504 - Please, please, wait. - I need a spectacular, 323 00:13:00,506 --> 00:13:01,939 one-of-a-kind Halloween costume 324 00:13:01,941 --> 00:13:03,986 to show up some dumb Jersey bitches. 325 00:13:04,133 --> 00:13:06,476 - Intrigued. - This is all the cash I have. 326 00:13:06,716 --> 00:13:09,542 What can I get for $103? 327 00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:12,370 Girl, for $103, hm... 328 00:13:14,057 --> 00:13:15,390 I can give you the world. 329 00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:35,708 Behold, my masterpiece. 330 00:13:36,023 --> 00:13:39,024 Hey. This sucks. I'm not buying this. 331 00:13:39,026 --> 00:13:41,026 No, too late, girl. I already threw your clothes away. 332 00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:42,054 Ugh. 333 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:44,930 Wait, what about that? 334 00:13:46,900 --> 00:13:48,725 Well, that's not $103. 335 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:51,793 Would this settle the debt? 336 00:13:52,088 --> 00:13:53,275 Why, yes, my dear. 337 00:13:54,257 --> 00:13:55,423 I believe that would. 338 00:13:57,427 --> 00:13:59,371 Girl, this is a Party City. 339 00:13:59,396 --> 00:14:02,106 Go to the pawn shop, get cash and come back. 340 00:14:03,766 --> 00:14:05,599 I don't care what anyone says. 341 00:14:05,601 --> 00:14:07,650 Tonight is gonna be a magical night. 342 00:14:09,292 --> 00:14:11,792 Oh, ew. Six times surge pricing. 343 00:14:11,794 --> 00:14:12,827 No thanks. 344 00:14:12,829 --> 00:14:15,692 I bet the bus is fun on Halloween. 345 00:14:15,798 --> 00:14:17,498 Keep it down back there, 346 00:14:17,500 --> 00:14:19,104 I'm trying to make toilet. 347 00:14:19,269 --> 00:14:20,735 Bus is so hot. 348 00:14:20,737 --> 00:14:22,436 Well, I'm not turning off my toaster oven. 349 00:14:22,438 --> 00:14:24,694 - I'm cooking a strudel. - _ 350 00:14:24,719 --> 00:14:27,069 Ugh, stupid Cronket Wireless. 351 00:14:29,355 --> 00:14:31,283 - Whoa! - My soup! 352 00:14:31,283 --> 00:14:32,649 - Ohh. - Now what am I supposed to 353 00:14:32,652 --> 00:14:34,452 give the trick-or-treaters? 354 00:14:34,454 --> 00:14:37,657 Uhh! Stupid New York City! 355 00:14:38,058 --> 00:14:40,832 I mean, boy, I love this town. 356 00:14:47,784 --> 00:14:49,073 Who's there? 357 00:14:49,975 --> 00:14:53,333 If you're an intruder, I have a gun. 358 00:14:53,681 --> 00:14:56,315 And don't try taking it and using it on me 359 00:14:56,317 --> 00:14:57,800 because it doesn't work. 360 00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:06,984 What the hell? 361 00:15:14,961 --> 00:15:18,065 Oh. It's you, GeniusScreen. 362 00:15:18,277 --> 00:15:19,938 You scared me. 363 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:21,866 Well, good-bye. 364 00:15:21,868 --> 00:15:24,308 - Carol. - Oh, give it a rest! 365 00:15:24,504 --> 00:15:26,301 If you expect me to feel guilty, 366 00:15:26,439 --> 00:15:28,114 you really are possessed. 367 00:15:28,274 --> 00:15:31,307 - Carol. - I know she's my friend. 368 00:15:31,377 --> 00:15:33,644 But it's her job to solve my problems 369 00:15:33,646 --> 00:15:35,813 and she did that by being terrified. 370 00:15:35,815 --> 00:15:37,615 It doesn't mean I'm a bad guy. 371 00:15:37,833 --> 00:15:39,267 - I'm good! - Carol. 372 00:15:39,401 --> 00:15:42,588 I'm good! And cool. 373 00:15:43,605 --> 00:15:45,238 Would you like to restart? 374 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:46,862 Of course I wanna restart. 375 00:15:47,476 --> 00:15:49,909 I wanna go back to before. 376 00:15:50,139 --> 00:15:52,273 Before I was a heartless monster 377 00:15:52,275 --> 00:15:55,065 who tricked old simpletons for his own gain. 378 00:15:55,445 --> 00:15:57,087 I wanna be a boy again. 379 00:15:57,180 --> 00:16:00,214 Back in Nebraska, discovering my body 380 00:16:00,216 --> 00:16:01,507 in the corn fields. 381 00:16:01,651 --> 00:16:04,518 Oh, take me back, GeniusScreen. 382 00:16:04,754 --> 00:16:07,766 Take me back, take me back. 383 00:16:08,992 --> 00:16:10,524 Take me back. 384 00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:14,438 Ah! 385 00:16:14,596 --> 00:16:16,189 I'm moving now! 386 00:16:18,298 --> 00:16:20,765 Hi. How are you? 387 00:16:20,790 --> 00:16:22,923 Katie Wendelson. I'm on the list. 388 00:16:22,925 --> 00:16:25,726 I can't let you in. I have a daughter 389 00:16:25,751 --> 00:16:27,254 so it hurts me to say this, 390 00:16:27,285 --> 00:16:29,352 but you are very ugly and extremely disgusting. 391 00:16:29,354 --> 00:16:31,420 No, please. I need to get inside, okay? 392 00:16:31,422 --> 00:16:33,443 Even if it's just for one picture. 393 00:16:33,522 --> 00:16:34,888 The answer's still no. 394 00:16:35,116 --> 00:16:37,216 May God have mercy on your soul. 395 00:16:41,488 --> 00:16:43,383 Excuse me. Excuse me! 396 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:48,860 There's something 397 00:16:48,862 --> 00:16:50,695 - in the bushes. - What is it? 398 00:16:50,697 --> 00:16:52,325 It's some kind of creature. 399 00:16:53,015 --> 00:16:55,203 - Ahh! - Only fire will kill it! 400 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:57,814 Oh. What are you guys looking at? 401 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,817 - Katie? - Portia, Portia, 402 00:16:59,818 --> 00:17:01,117 I don't have a lot of time. We have to 403 00:17:01,119 --> 00:17:02,643 take a selfie before they kick me out. 404 00:17:04,422 --> 00:17:06,122 Chilling with my girl, 405 00:17:06,124 --> 00:17:07,890 @PortiaScottGriffith 406 00:17:07,892 --> 00:17:11,714 ♪ NewYork ♪IProvedlt and send! 407 00:17:11,945 --> 00:17:13,494 _ 408 00:17:13,495 --> 00:17:15,988 I can't post it. This was all for nothing. 409 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:19,187 All because of Cronket Wireless. 410 00:17:20,687 --> 00:17:23,942 Cronket Wireless. Cronket Wireless! 411 00:17:24,024 --> 00:17:27,072 - Cronket Wireless! - Okay, here we go. 412 00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:35,136 Carol. 413 00:17:35,855 --> 00:17:38,458 GeniusScreen, you haveth no power here. 414 00:17:38,504 --> 00:17:40,270 I want you to know that I'm sorry. 415 00:17:40,272 --> 00:17:41,265 Whateth? 416 00:17:42,374 --> 00:17:43,699 And I'm sorry, too. 417 00:17:44,006 --> 00:17:45,572 The screen's not possessed. 418 00:17:45,574 --> 00:17:47,718 I had Justin program it to scare you. 419 00:17:47,977 --> 00:17:49,509 Because I didn't want to learn how to use it. 420 00:17:49,511 --> 00:17:52,846 - So I taught it to apologize. - You did what? 421 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:56,717 Oh, look. I... I guess the real demon here... 422 00:17:56,719 --> 00:17:58,719 - Real? Where? - A metaphor, Carol. 423 00:17:58,721 --> 00:18:00,134 Metaphor, is that its name? 424 00:18:00,134 --> 00:18:01,233 Metaphor, be gone! 425 00:18:01,235 --> 00:18:02,635 You are not welcome here! 426 00:18:02,637 --> 00:18:05,204 Carol, I'm saying, my own insecurities 427 00:18:05,206 --> 00:18:09,066 and yes, fears made me do something bad 428 00:18:09,243 --> 00:18:10,718 to a nice lady. 429 00:18:11,021 --> 00:18:14,559 And I'm sorry. I suppose I could forgive you. 430 00:18:14,891 --> 00:18:18,094 The funny thing is, in order for you to apologize, 431 00:18:18,096 --> 00:18:21,567 You actually taught yourself how to use that thing. 432 00:18:22,498 --> 00:18:24,452 Huh. I guess I did. 433 00:18:24,590 --> 00:18:26,104 Hey, Genius screen. 434 00:18:26,248 --> 00:18:28,217 Let's take a picture of this touching moment. 435 00:18:30,420 --> 00:18:32,287 _ 436 00:18:34,212 --> 00:18:36,699 Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. 437 00:18:36,783 --> 00:18:38,881 - Katie! - Oh, God, 438 00:18:38,883 --> 00:18:41,634 - I summoned it. - Hey, sweetie, here you go. 439 00:18:41,861 --> 00:18:43,191 I made it from scratch. 440 00:18:43,216 --> 00:18:44,716 The soup and the tureen. 441 00:18:44,718 --> 00:18:46,751 Yeah, when you didn't post anything last night, 442 00:18:46,753 --> 00:18:49,134 I said to the hubs, Katie must be sick. 443 00:18:49,173 --> 00:18:50,245 I mean, 444 00:18:50,270 --> 00:18:53,258 why else would you not have Insta'd from that party? 445 00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:55,116 You know what? 446 00:18:56,166 --> 00:18:57,295 I give up. 447 00:18:57,705 --> 00:18:59,972 All that stuff I posted on Instagram 448 00:18:59,997 --> 00:19:02,012 was just to try to prove to you and to my mother 449 00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,873 and to myself that I made good choices. 450 00:19:03,875 --> 00:19:05,466 But you know what? I guess I didn't. 451 00:19:05,498 --> 00:19:08,613 The closest I ever got to the "Sex and the City lifestyle" 452 00:19:08,764 --> 00:19:11,978 was going on one date with a man named Mr. Pig. 453 00:19:11,978 --> 00:19:13,882 Okay? Are you happy? 454 00:19:13,936 --> 00:19:16,737 Katie, nobody's life is perfect. 455 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:19,773 Look at mine. I mean, between taking care of 456 00:19:19,775 --> 00:19:23,410 my three adorable children, Grayson, Mason 457 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:25,764 and my unborn gay son Gayson, 458 00:19:26,146 --> 00:19:29,326 I barely have time to keep my hair looking like this. 459 00:19:29,327 --> 00:19:32,896 Um, am I at Madonna's birthday party 460 00:19:32,898 --> 00:19:34,164 back when she was dating that matador? 461 00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:36,177 Because I smell bullcrap. 462 00:19:36,368 --> 00:19:38,735 You think that this lady is better than you 463 00:19:38,737 --> 00:19:40,375 because of her Instagram feed? 464 00:19:40,505 --> 00:19:43,887 Okay, this picture of her kids is Photoshopped. 465 00:19:44,209 --> 00:19:45,809 The shadows are on different sides 466 00:19:45,811 --> 00:19:48,044 - of everyone's faces. - Uh! Not-uh. 467 00:19:48,046 --> 00:19:49,078 Come on, what do you know? 468 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:50,762 Literally only this. 469 00:19:50,995 --> 00:19:53,268 And they didn't take that vacation to Mykonos. 470 00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,969 She and her husband put their heads through cardboard cutouts 471 00:19:55,971 --> 00:19:57,337 at the Jersey Shore. 472 00:19:57,339 --> 00:19:59,305 See, the sun has cool sunglasses on. 473 00:19:59,307 --> 00:20:00,723 I should've noticed that. 474 00:20:00,909 --> 00:20:03,343 And this marriage has problems. 475 00:20:03,345 --> 00:20:05,872 Okay, let's not bring the hubs into this. 476 00:20:05,915 --> 00:20:08,149 Look behind her hand. It's a knife handle. 477 00:20:08,151 --> 00:20:09,650 She Photoshopped out the blade. 478 00:20:09,652 --> 00:20:11,018 The only way that she could 479 00:20:11,020 --> 00:20:12,420 get him to smile in a picture 480 00:20:12,422 --> 00:20:14,722 next to her, is by holding a knife 481 00:20:14,724 --> 00:20:17,057 - to his throat. - Oh, God, Jessica. 482 00:20:17,059 --> 00:20:19,541 - Is this true? - True? Uhh... 483 00:20:19,864 --> 00:20:23,714 Oh, you... you think I know what true means anymore. 484 00:20:25,815 --> 00:20:29,750 I stare at Instagram for 19 hours a day. 485 00:20:29,752 --> 00:20:32,740 Oh yeah, you know why I call my husband the hubs? 486 00:20:33,022 --> 00:20:35,910 It's because when I try to say... 487 00:20:36,021 --> 00:20:38,673 Kyle... I throw up in my mouth. 488 00:20:39,095 --> 00:20:41,028 So are you happy now, Katie? 489 00:20:41,204 --> 00:20:43,170 You already have the cool career 490 00:20:43,172 --> 00:20:44,972 and the apartment in the Village 491 00:20:44,974 --> 00:20:46,213 and the famous friends. 492 00:20:46,409 --> 00:20:49,610 No wonder my mother is jealous of your mother. 493 00:20:49,612 --> 00:20:52,973 Hey, Jessica. Comparison is the thief of joy. 494 00:20:53,041 --> 00:20:55,294 But do send Barbara my regards. 495 00:20:55,472 --> 00:20:56,497 In hell. 496 00:20:57,369 --> 00:20:59,245 Uh... uhh... 497 00:21:06,444 --> 00:21:08,077 Hey, I was just wondering 498 00:21:08,079 --> 00:21:10,412 if you guys take returns for gently destroyed costumes. 499 00:21:10,414 --> 00:21:12,614 I just bought it yesterday from Ricard. 500 00:21:12,616 --> 00:21:14,249 Ricard? That's impossible. 501 00:21:14,251 --> 00:21:15,584 He's been dead for 30 years. 502 00:21:17,321 --> 00:21:19,078 It was on Halloween night, in fact. 503 00:21:19,223 --> 00:21:20,656 Some say you can still hear... 504 00:21:20,658 --> 00:21:22,023 Okay, but do you guys take returns? 505 00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:23,480 Yes, but only for store credit.