Why is everyone hiding?
The nominations for the American Journalism Awards
are being announced today.
Every year we get snubbed,
and every year Chuck goes berserk
on the first person he sees.
Last year, it was me. He hit me with a club sandwich.
The heaviest sandwich!
He's here.
- Hey Chuck! - Mom, no.
Did you see "This is Us" last night?
Spoiler alert: I cried!
Sometimes I get confused though.
Which ones are in the present timeline,
and which one is my reflection in the TV?
- Heavens no! - We did it, gang!
We got nominated!
Best Late Afternoon/Early Evening News Program!
Yes!
And Katie got nominated for that Biscuit Blitz thing.
Good for Katie. Wait a minute, I'm Katie!
Yes! Oh!
Chuck Pierce is back on top, baby!
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com
Well, I believe a toast is in order.
Oh, no thank you. I actually have some news myself.
I'm pregnant.
- Oh, that's wonderful! - So I can't drink!
You know what? Who cares?
Oh.
Whoo!
Well, I'll make a toast to the best damn team
that ever was: The Harlem Globetrotters!
But also to us!
"The Breakdown" is finally getting
the recognition it deserves!
Chuck's right. And it'll be nice for us to get together
for something fun, and not another cameraman funeral.
About that. Is there room in the budget
for a less slippery ladder?
No. And a special congratulations to Katie,
for her solo nomination.
Thanks, guys.
It's such an honor.
Oh, I'm sorry. You go on. It's your award.
I couldn't have done it without you.
I am so sorry. I just keep talking when I'm excited,
and when I'm happy, and when I'm sad,
- and when I list things... - Okay, Mom. Okay.
I really just want to say, um...
That I...
Never mind, I lost it.
Oh my God, Katie. That was beautiful.
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Yep, about literally anything except your mother.
Just tell me what Carol did.
Well, nothing yet, but I'm nervous about the awards.
Every time I'm up for some kind of recognition,
my mom has a way of making it all about her.
Like when I was on "Star Search."
The judges give Katie Wendelson zero stars.
And the judges give Kanye West four stars!
Kanye, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish,
but Katie had one of the best raps of all time!
Your mother Kanye'd Kanye.
These awards are really important to me.
I'm going to be in the same room as all of my idols.
And hobnob! I've never hobnobbed before!
I just don't want to spend the whole night worrying
about if she's gonna make a scene. Is that crazy?
What's crazy is that you're even asking.
Of course she will! But you've got an easy excuse.
The interns aren't invited.
She's my plus one, and she already freaked out
when I said I couldn't get two extra seats.
One for Angie. One for Angie's feet when her ankles swell up.
Katie, just tell her she can't come.
Ah, Carol! Have you met Giuseppe, my tailor from Italy?
Oh, I picked up a little Italian when Dave and I
were in Rome last summer.
_
He's altering the same tux I wore the last time
I was nominated for the American Journalism Award.
20 years ago!
Are you excited for your big night?
Excited? Is the lion excited when he takes
his rightful place in the pride after a long hunt?
No! It's where he belongs.
And all the other lions are like,
"Whoa, where have you been?"
And he's like, "I've been on a cable show."
And they're like, "That's cool."
We don't think any less of you."
And they're saying all that in roars, or whatever.
Oh, so you're gonna have a lot of old friends there.
Oh, yeah. All the old network men that I came up with.
- Like Len Archer. - He is so handsome.
Why I Used to pretend Dave was him
when we needed to move things along.
He's getting a lifetime achievement award
after 35 years of doing "The Len Archer Show."
Boy, that guy always did it his way. No compromises!
And he taught me to do the same.
"Uh, is Pepsi okay?" They ask me.
No! It's RC Cola only, baby!
Hey, hon! I want us to look our best when we go onstage
for our award.
Maybe we should go on a diet
where we only eat 1,000 calories combined per day.
Ugh! I already shotgunned a baked potato,
so you can't eat 'till Tuesday.
Hey, I actually have to talk to you about the awards.
Yeah.
Mom, I don't think you can go with me.
Oh, okay.
I already bought a gown, but I guess I can wear it
to the next fancy event I'm going to. My own funeral.
No, no, no, Mom. No. That's not how it is.
I need to be completely honest with you.
Greg did it. He said I couldn't bring a plus one.
He ripped up the ticket and laughed in my face. He's sick!
Of course Sick Greg would do that!
Guys! Did you hear Sick Greg
said no one could bring a plus one?
I'm sorry, I said what?
What the hell, Greg? I was gonna bring
my baby's father to this, once I figure who he or she is.
My wife quit her job to go to this!
- Can I have one of your hairs? - And it's not for a curse.
Ah, look at this place! Hasn't changed a bit!
Except of course, in the day
that photo booth was a cigarette machine.
And that table was a cigarette machine.
Oh, and that guy was a cigarette machine!
This is such a magical night.
All my heroes are here, and since I got nominated,
they're all gonna know my name.
It has you listed as Kody Winklebink.
At least you don't have to worry
about your mother ruining the night.
She's fine. Here, I'll send her a picture
so she feels like she's part of the fun.
Surprise!
I got hired as a seat filler!
They don't want empty seats during the broadcast,
so when the famous people get up, they hire people like me
because we have bodies. Isn't that great?
I found a way for us to be together during our award.
134, we need you at another table.
I gotta go.
_
There, there. Maybe it won't be as bad
as it definitely will be.
Wait, weren't you in a completely different dress
- a minute ago? - It's an award show, Beth.
Len Archer! Hey, long time no see.
- Chuckie Pierce! Been a while. - Yeah.
Last time they invited you to the AJAs,
they were serving brontosaurus, you old bag of bones.
Oh, come on!
Oh, yeah? Well, you're a child molester!
Sorry, too far. I haven't ribbed any of my peers
for a while, you cool hot guy.
Ah! Overcorrected. Tough bullseye.
So, where are you sitting? We're at table three.
Ooh, the legendary table three.
This is where Woodward and Bernstein
got the idea to frame Nixon!
Greg! Hey, Greg! Where are we sitting?
Yeah, we're at table, uh... Toilet.
Good! That's the one we requested!
I'm gladdened by that.
We actually have an extra seat.
Larry King can't bend enough to sit.
His body is mostly jerky now, so if you'd like to join us...
- Sure! Yeah! - Right?
Chuck! Sorry, you're not going to sit with us?
We're celebrating the work we did together.
I'll tell you what. A compromise.
I'll sit there the entire night, but then...
I'll see you Monday. Okay, let's do it!
Katie! Katie, look! I'm at Chip and Chet's table!
I didn't have a good photo of you, so I showed them
the one from your dermatologist's website.
The rash is from where your bra hits!
- Oh my God. Kill me. - Tell me about it.
- These things are the worst. - That's not what I meant.
I'm just frustrated, 'cause I was really looking forward
to tonight, but it hasn't turned out as I expected.
- Well, what did you expect? - I don't know.
Finally getting to hobnob with my peers.
Smoking a cigar with Rachel Maddow
on the hood of her Subaru Outback.
You've never hobnobbed?
Oh well, look. I can't be your first, okay?
That's too much pressure.
Oh, don't worry. The bar is really low.
If it's anything like my other firsts,
there's gonna be a "Space Jam" DVD menu just playing on loop
in the background.
- I'm Katie. - Jeremy.
So what paper do you work for?
I don't. I work in cable news.
- Really? - What's that supposed to mean?
Nothing. You seem smart,
and cable news is you know,
a scourge on society that will usher in the downfall
- of civilization. - Excuse me. I'll have you know
that I work for "The Breakdown."
We're like "The New York Times" of cable news.
Well, I work for "The New York Times."
We are "The New York Times" of "The New York Times."
Hi, guys! I'm filling in for Chuck.
I'm Chuck! I have an estrogen disorder.
Don't tell anyone, Carol!
Jeez Louise! Why did we get such bad seats?
We suck! That's why Chuck abandoned us!
Chuck did not abandon us. He's like a dog.
Sometimes he gets distracted and he runs off,
but he's loyal to us, because we're his family.
Plus, he'll only eat pills if you smush them
in a piece of a hot dog.
Hey, guys! We deserve this nomination.
Everyone here respects us, and they think we're cool.
We ran out of entrées before we got to your table,
but there's a vending machine in the lobby.
Come on, guys! Dibs on the Certs!
Sit down, 134! This is your final warning!
I'm sorry, Mr. Petrovian. It's a living.
No, it's not. You paid to do this.
That's true.
Well, the world may have changed, but we never will.
Here's to the men that refuse to sell out.
- Yeah. - Hear, hear.
No offense, Chuck.
No, none taken, because I don't understand
what you're talking about.
Well, I'm just saying we don't think less of you
just because we've always had our own shows, and you haven't.
But I do have my own show.
"The Breakdown with Chuck Pierce"...
and a woman I'm afraid of.
I saw an episode of "The Breakdown" once.
You were interviewing Pizza Rat.
You're telling me that's a call you made?
No way! Pizza Rat turned us down.
We had to interview a different rat
and pretend it was his dad.
I guess it is pretty funny.
It wasn't even the worst guest we ever had.
We had on Antonin Scalia ten days after he died!
After he died!
Of course they put us by the toilet! The show's a turd!
I'm ashamed to be associated with it,
and everybody who works on it is a giant loser!
You don't think they heard me, do you?
Just because cable news is popular
doesn't mean that it's bad.
Some popular things are great like the Outback Steakhouse,
of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson.
Cable news is popular because it's dumb.
You take our complex stories and turn them
into little tiny soundbites. I did a "Times" piece
on a female militia in the Kurdish YPG,
and CNN reported it as "Bitches be Shooting."
Listen, bud. I've worked for the respect
of the people in this room for my entire career,
and no one is going to ruin this night for me.
Not some "New York Times" jerk, and not my unhinged seat filler
mom, who... Oh my God, where's my mom?
What? You brought your mother?
Yes, and now I've lost her because I was arguing with you,
you stupid bastard!
I have to find her before it's too late!
Coming up next, the award for
Best investigative Piece in a One-Hour News Program.
That's my category. It's too late.
Excuse me! Hi, have you seen my mom?
Seat filler 134? I can't find her.
A seat filler went rogue?
Code red, I think we have a runner!
Bring her back, dead or alive!
We're here to present the award
for Best Investigative Piece in a One-Hour News Program.
They're announcing my award and I can't find my mom.
I know she's gonna do something embarrassing.
And the winner for Best Investigative Piece
in a one-hour news program is:
Laura DeMassey, "Frontline"!
- Oh no, I lost. - I'm sorry, Katie.
You deserved that award.
Who cares? My mother's gonna Kanye!
Laura DeMassey was the producer and subject
of her "Frontline" piece
"My Battle With Slow Bones Disease."
Come on, lady. Just say thank you and get off.
Slow Bones Disease affects
nearly zero people every year.
Webster's...
Dictionary...
defines...
Oh, god. The jaw is a bone!
"Proud"...
It's over! It's over! My mom didn't do anything!
She missed my award! Wait, my mom missed my award?
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Edward R. Murrow Lifetime Achievement Award.
This is Len Archer, reporting live
from the LA Riots.
Live from the Berlin Wall.
Live from the Chilean mine where 33 men remain trapped.
How have you been holding up?
_
He's got a good point.
Now that's the career of a man who never sold out!
If I stood my ground like you did, I could be hosting
"The Chuck Pierce Show" right now.
You're lucky, Len. You get to retire knowing
you went out on top.
- Retire? Never! - You're not retiring?
"The Len Archer Show" is ending!
On television! They said I wasn't getting the ratings
anymore, and they wanted me to share a desk
with a young co-host. I told them no way!
Nobody tells Len Archer how to do "The Len Archer Show!"
That's why we're moving over to YouTube Red,
and the show will stay exactly the way it's always been.
Plus, there's these teen boys who
prank me while I read the news. Excuse me.
Wait, what?
Tensions rise in the Middle East as Turkey
urges Iraqi Kurds to...
We have had a very clear... a very clear policy...
That Len. What a legend.
A legend? He's letting teens fart on him!
At least you retired with your dignity.
I didn't retire! I'm the host of the "Embassy Nightly News."
No, you're not! Lester Holt is!
No, not the "NBC Nightly News,"
the "Embassy Nightly News" at Embassy Suites!
I'm on the menu channel when you first turn on your TV
in your hotel room!
"This just in, room service ends at 10,
but there is a Denny's within walking distance."
No. No.
Harold, surely you...
Oh, "The Harold Bauer News Hour" is still going strong.
Oh, thank God.
Only now we're over on the Chiller Network,
and they wanted the Crypt Keeper to be my co-host.
But I said no, and then they said,
well then, we won't pay you.
And I said fine, so now I'm doing the show for free.
But I didn't compromise.
Ladies and gentlemen, Len Archer.
This is probably the proudest moment of my life.
When I started in the broadcasting business
about 35... what? No. God, no. Not now. Boys, not now.
Not here! Please, boys!
Mom!
Or is it Rita Moreno's younger, hotter sister?
Where have you been? They just announced my award.
- I lost. - Oh, no.
I'm so sorry, sweetie. I guess I was so busy getting ready
for my award I missed yours.
What? Your award?
Well, "The Breakdown" is up for an award,
and I work for it, so I'm up for it too.
I can't believe it. It's the first time in my life
I've ever been recognized for anything. It's cool, huh?
Wait, so okay. When you kept saying our award,
you actually meant... oh, boy.
I get it! Katie, you thought that Carol
was gonna make your night all about her.
But actually, you made her night all about you.
What a funny miscommunication!
Okay, so I want to go up onstage with everyone.
So I'm hiding out here until our category's announced, okay?
- Don't tell Mr. Petrovian. - I won't.
But Greg might have.
There she is. Come with me.
Thanks for the tip, ma'am. If it weren't for you,
this seat filler would have gotten to enjoy the show.
Katie?
You're like so mean to your mom.
Let me stay, Mr. Petrovian.
- I'll be a good seat filler. - Silence, 134.
The only seat you'll be filling is the electric seat!
Stop! Stop! Let her go! She's my plus one!
Wait, you said you didn't get a plus one.
I lied. Check the list.
It's on there under "Katie Wendelson,"
or Kody Winklebink.
She is a guest. I am so sorry.
Please, please forgive me.
Your friends won't save you next time, seat rat.
So you lied to me, and then you tried to get me kicked out?
- What the heck, Katie? - I'm sorry.
I was afraid you were gonna embarrass me.
Embarrass you? When have I ever embarrassed you?
"Star Search," prom, dentist, ninth grade, mall,
mall, mall, mall, bra, mall. It doesn't matter.
I was just so focused on my big night
that I assumed you were too.
It didn't even occur to me that
you might be excited for your own reasons.
I'm just so used to seeing you as my mom
that I forgot that you have your own feelings
and your own dreams, 'cause you're your own person!
I don't know why that's so hard for me to remember.
Oh, it's okay, pumpkin.
Oh, I'm sorry about "Star Search."
It's just so hard seeing your baby disappointed.
You'll understand one day when you have a daughter.
- Or a son. - All right, Mom.
Come on. Let's go back to our table.
They're about to announce your award.
Hey, gang. How's tricks?
Oh, I'm sorry. Is somebody talking?
Yeah, Chuck. But I'm still mad,
so I'm not gonna talk to him.
And the nominees for Best Late Afternoon/Early Evening
News Program are...
"The Breakdown" with Chuck Pierce
and Portia Scott-Griffith.
This is it! Everybody ready to go on stage?
I wouldn't get my hopes up, Carol.
The face of our show called us losers, we're at table toilet,
and my Certs were rotten.
Well, I believe we're gonna win.
And if you don't, I'm gonna believe enough for all of us!
Now chins up, turkeys!
And the winner is...
"Chip and Chet's Spring Break!"
It's OK, Katie.
I was stupid to think I deserved to be rcognized.
Yo, Chip and Chet, I'm really happy for you.
I'ma let you finish, but "The Breakdown" deserved this award.
We work so hard! Especially my mom!
She works her little butt off, and this should go to her,
not to you guys for some stupid spring break special.
Wait, what did you guys do exactly on spring break?
You saved a bunch of refugee women from Syria. Okay.
I'm gonna give that back to you then.
Sorry for what you've been through.
Not so fast, sweetheart.
I'm Chuck Pierce from "The Breakdown."
I used to be embarrassed by that,
but now I see just how lucky I am.
Lucky to have a co-anchor who keeps me relevant.
Lucky to have producers, and editors,
and whatever the Jewish guy does!
I think he's the basketball coach?
The point is, "The Breakdown" may not be my show,
but it's our show! And I think we do a damn good job!
That's like the nicest thing he's ever said.
Yeah. Hey, should we get out of here
- before they call the cops? - Yep.
We got a camera guy, fell off a ladder.
- He's wearing a... - I just want to say
Kanye hasn't made any good music since he's had kids.
Oh, cool, cool, cool. You're still here.
Great, so I guess you...
Saw you upstage a bunch of refugee women.
Yes, yes. I don't know if you caught their speech,
but they said it was the worst thing that's ever happened to them.
Thank you. For a second, I almost forgot that I humiliated
myself in front of every person I've ever looked up to.
Oh, someone always makes a fool of themselves at the AJAs.
Last year, Bill O'Reilly got his tongue stuck
to a female ice sculpture's butt.
- Oh! - Yeah. You know so in a way,
you proved that you belong here like anyone else.
Okay, well thank you.
Sorry I ruined a perfectly good hobnob.
Oh, well. Hobnob, hobnob, Linkedln, hobnob.
Hey, you know while we're hobnobbing,
should we exchange business cards?
Oh, yeah. I got this off a website
for free business cards, so ignore the ad on the back
for biodegradable female condoms.
Pardon me, have you seen a teen boy
dressed as an attractive woman, holding a pair of tuxedo pants?
- No. - Damn it!
Caden, I need my pants!
I can't go home to my wife like this!
Not again!