1 00:00:03,461 --> 00:00:04,928 Why is everyone hiding? 2 00:00:04,953 --> 00:00:06,356 The nominations for the American Journalism Awards 3 00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:07,951 are being announced today. 4 00:00:07,951 --> 00:00:09,183 Every year we get snubbed, 5 00:00:09,185 --> 00:00:10,585 and every year Chuck goes berserk 6 00:00:10,587 --> 00:00:11,703 on the first person he sees. 7 00:00:11,724 --> 00:00:14,411 Last year, it was me. He hit me with a club sandwich. 8 00:00:14,699 --> 00:00:16,138 The heaviest sandwich! 9 00:00:17,322 --> 00:00:18,373 He's here. 10 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:20,965 - Hey Chuck! - Mom, no. 11 00:00:20,990 --> 00:00:22,644 Did you see "This is Us" last night? 12 00:00:22,669 --> 00:00:24,441 Spoiler alert: I cried! 13 00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:26,225 Sometimes I get confused though. 14 00:00:26,295 --> 00:00:28,061 Which ones are in the present timeline, 15 00:00:28,130 --> 00:00:30,931 and which one is my reflection in the TV? 16 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,700 - Heavens no! - We did it, gang! 17 00:00:33,769 --> 00:00:35,335 We got nominated! 18 00:00:35,404 --> 00:00:38,672 Best Late Afternoon/Early Evening News Program! 19 00:00:38,697 --> 00:00:39,955 Yes! 20 00:00:39,978 --> 00:00:42,532 And Katie got nominated for that Biscuit Blitz thing. 21 00:00:42,830 --> 00:00:45,831 Good for Katie. Wait a minute, I'm Katie! 22 00:00:45,900 --> 00:00:47,466 Yes! Oh! 23 00:00:47,535 --> 00:00:50,774 Chuck Pierce is back on top, baby! 24 00:00:59,736 --> 00:01:01,967 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 25 00:01:02,150 --> 00:01:04,083 Well, I believe a toast is in order. 26 00:01:04,152 --> 00:01:07,019 Oh, no thank you. I actually have some news myself. 27 00:01:07,416 --> 00:01:08,459 I'm pregnant. 28 00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:10,878 - Oh, that's wonderful! - So I can't drink! 29 00:01:12,653 --> 00:01:14,151 You know what? Who cares? 30 00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:17,596 Oh. 31 00:01:19,484 --> 00:01:20,583 Whoo! 32 00:01:20,608 --> 00:01:24,010 Well, I'll make a toast to the best damn team 33 00:01:24,035 --> 00:01:26,911 that ever was: The Harlem Globetrotters! 34 00:01:28,296 --> 00:01:29,782 But also to us! 35 00:01:29,997 --> 00:01:31,263 "The Breakdown" is finally getting 36 00:01:31,332 --> 00:01:32,831 the recognition it deserves! 37 00:01:35,102 --> 00:01:37,002 Chuck's right. And it'll be nice for us to get together 38 00:01:37,071 --> 00:01:39,237 for something fun, and not another cameraman funeral. 39 00:01:39,306 --> 00:01:41,173 About that. Is there room in the budget 40 00:01:41,241 --> 00:01:42,774 for a less slippery ladder? 41 00:01:42,843 --> 00:01:45,922 No. And a special congratulations to Katie, 42 00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:47,320 for her solo nomination. 43 00:01:47,667 --> 00:01:48,797 Thanks, guys. 44 00:01:48,822 --> 00:01:50,181 It's such an honor. 45 00:01:50,221 --> 00:01:53,177 Oh, I'm sorry. You go on. It's your award. 46 00:01:53,230 --> 00:01:55,138 I couldn't have done it without you. 47 00:01:55,254 --> 00:01:58,622 I am so sorry. I just keep talking when I'm excited, 48 00:01:58,696 --> 00:02:00,596 and when I'm happy, and when I'm sad, 49 00:02:00,650 --> 00:02:02,818 - and when I list things... - Okay, Mom. Okay. 50 00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,751 I really just want to say, um... 51 00:02:04,820 --> 00:02:06,169 That I... 52 00:02:07,133 --> 00:02:08,379 Never mind, I lost it. 53 00:02:08,588 --> 00:02:11,021 Oh my God, Katie. That was beautiful. 54 00:02:13,954 --> 00:02:15,376 Hey, can I talk to you for a second? 55 00:02:15,414 --> 00:02:17,924 Yep, about literally anything except your mother. 56 00:02:18,578 --> 00:02:20,177 Just tell me what Carol did. 57 00:02:20,246 --> 00:02:22,913 Well, nothing yet, but I'm nervous about the awards. 58 00:02:22,982 --> 00:02:24,882 Every time I'm up for some kind of recognition, 59 00:02:24,951 --> 00:02:27,351 my mom has a way of making it all about her. 60 00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:29,881 Like when I was on "Star Search." 61 00:02:30,029 --> 00:02:33,983 The judges give Katie Wendelson zero stars. 62 00:02:34,382 --> 00:02:38,319 And the judges give Kanye West four stars! 63 00:02:40,473 --> 00:02:43,923 Kanye, I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish, 64 00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:47,218 but Katie had one of the best raps of all time! 65 00:02:47,441 --> 00:02:49,154 Your mother Kanye'd Kanye. 66 00:02:49,222 --> 00:02:51,322 These awards are really important to me. 67 00:02:51,391 --> 00:02:54,159 I'm going to be in the same room as all of my idols. 68 00:02:54,227 --> 00:02:56,828 And hobnob! I've never hobnobbed before! 69 00:02:56,897 --> 00:02:58,329 I just don't want to spend the whole night worrying 70 00:02:58,398 --> 00:03:00,999 about if she's gonna make a scene. Is that crazy? 71 00:03:01,068 --> 00:03:03,076 What's crazy is that you're even asking. 72 00:03:03,178 --> 00:03:06,504 Of course she will! But you've got an easy excuse. 73 00:03:06,573 --> 00:03:07,791 The interns aren't invited. 74 00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:09,825 She's my plus one, and she already freaked out 75 00:03:09,893 --> 00:03:11,939 when I said I couldn't get two extra seats. 76 00:03:12,046 --> 00:03:14,751 One for Angie. One for Angie's feet when her ankles swell up. 77 00:03:14,801 --> 00:03:17,065 Katie, just tell her she can't come. 78 00:03:20,011 --> 00:03:23,246 Ah, Carol! Have you met Giuseppe, my tailor from Italy? 79 00:03:23,315 --> 00:03:25,715 Oh, I picked up a little Italian when Dave and I 80 00:03:25,784 --> 00:03:26,816 were in Rome last summer. 81 00:03:26,885 --> 00:03:30,511 _ 82 00:03:31,597 --> 00:03:33,864 He's altering the same tux I wore the last time 83 00:03:33,931 --> 00:03:36,098 I was nominated for the American Journalism Award. 84 00:03:36,167 --> 00:03:37,533 20 years ago! 85 00:03:37,602 --> 00:03:39,235 Are you excited for your big night? 86 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:42,338 Excited? Is the lion excited when he takes 87 00:03:42,406 --> 00:03:45,207 his rightful place in the pride after a long hunt? 88 00:03:45,309 --> 00:03:48,229 No! It's where he belongs. 89 00:03:48,323 --> 00:03:49,903 And all the other lions are like, 90 00:03:49,947 --> 00:03:51,313 "Whoa, where have you been?" 91 00:03:51,382 --> 00:03:53,237 And he's like, "I've been on a cable show." 92 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,534 And they're like, "That's cool." 93 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:57,603 We don't think any less of you." 94 00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:00,138 And they're saying all that in roars, or whatever. 95 00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:02,274 Oh, so you're gonna have a lot of old friends there. 96 00:04:02,343 --> 00:04:05,468 Oh, yeah. All the old network men that I came up with. 97 00:04:05,736 --> 00:04:08,494 - Like Len Archer. - He is so handsome. 98 00:04:08,494 --> 00:04:10,094 Why I Used to pretend Dave was him 99 00:04:10,162 --> 00:04:12,028 when we needed to move things along. 100 00:04:12,097 --> 00:04:13,763 He's getting a lifetime achievement award 101 00:04:13,832 --> 00:04:16,900 after 35 years of doing "The Len Archer Show." 102 00:04:16,968 --> 00:04:20,170 Boy, that guy always did it his way. No compromises! 103 00:04:20,238 --> 00:04:22,639 And he taught me to do the same. 104 00:04:22,708 --> 00:04:24,947 "Uh, is Pepsi okay?" They ask me. 105 00:04:24,972 --> 00:04:28,106 No! It's RC Cola only, baby! 106 00:04:29,259 --> 00:04:32,360 Hey, hon! I want us to look our best when we go onstage 107 00:04:32,429 --> 00:04:33,528 for our award. 108 00:04:33,597 --> 00:04:35,065 Maybe we should go on a diet 109 00:04:35,130 --> 00:04:38,489 where we only eat 1,000 calories combined per day. 110 00:04:38,866 --> 00:04:41,166 Ugh! I already shotgunned a baked potato, 111 00:04:41,235 --> 00:04:43,001 so you can't eat 'till Tuesday. 112 00:04:43,070 --> 00:04:45,304 Hey, I actually have to talk to you about the awards. 113 00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:46,416 Yeah. 114 00:04:46,974 --> 00:04:48,841 Mom, I don't think you can go with me. 115 00:04:48,909 --> 00:04:50,560 Oh, okay. 116 00:04:51,142 --> 00:04:53,803 I already bought a gown, but I guess I can wear it 117 00:04:53,848 --> 00:04:57,326 to the next fancy event I'm going to. My own funeral. 118 00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:59,725 No, no, no, Mom. No. That's not how it is. 119 00:04:59,754 --> 00:05:01,568 I need to be completely honest with you. 120 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:05,189 Greg did it. He said I couldn't bring a plus one. 121 00:05:05,227 --> 00:05:07,584 He ripped up the ticket and laughed in my face. He's sick! 122 00:05:07,909 --> 00:05:10,498 Of course Sick Greg would do that! 123 00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:12,800 Guys! Did you hear Sick Greg 124 00:05:12,869 --> 00:05:14,797 said no one could bring a plus one? 125 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:16,204 I'm sorry, I said what? 126 00:05:16,272 --> 00:05:18,239 What the hell, Greg? I was gonna bring 127 00:05:18,308 --> 00:05:21,943 my baby's father to this, once I figure who he or she is. 128 00:05:22,011 --> 00:05:24,145 My wife quit her job to go to this! 129 00:05:24,352 --> 00:05:27,865 - Can I have one of your hairs? - And it's not for a curse. 130 00:05:33,979 --> 00:05:36,502 Ah, look at this place! Hasn't changed a bit! 131 00:05:37,295 --> 00:05:38,784 Except of course, in the day 132 00:05:38,809 --> 00:05:40,809 that photo booth was a cigarette machine. 133 00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:43,036 And that table was a cigarette machine. 134 00:05:43,547 --> 00:05:45,812 Oh, and that guy was a cigarette machine! 135 00:05:45,874 --> 00:05:48,083 This is such a magical night. 136 00:05:48,152 --> 00:05:50,652 All my heroes are here, and since I got nominated, 137 00:05:50,721 --> 00:05:52,087 they're all gonna know my name. 138 00:05:52,455 --> 00:05:54,616 It has you listed as Kody Winklebink. 139 00:05:54,857 --> 00:05:56,156 At least you don't have to worry 140 00:05:56,225 --> 00:05:57,858 about your mother ruining the night. 141 00:05:57,927 --> 00:05:59,326 She's fine. Here, I'll send her a picture 142 00:05:59,395 --> 00:06:00,894 so she feels like she's part of the fun. 143 00:06:02,452 --> 00:06:05,175 Surprise! 144 00:06:05,175 --> 00:06:07,430 I got hired as a seat filler! 145 00:06:07,430 --> 00:06:09,330 They don't want empty seats during the broadcast, 146 00:06:09,398 --> 00:06:13,167 so when the famous people get up, they hire people like me 147 00:06:13,688 --> 00:06:16,518 because we have bodies. Isn't that great? 148 00:06:16,519 --> 00:06:19,052 I found a way for us to be together during our award. 149 00:06:19,121 --> 00:06:21,355 134, we need you at another table. 150 00:06:21,622 --> 00:06:22,786 I gotta go. 151 00:06:22,810 --> 00:06:24,325 _ 152 00:06:26,339 --> 00:06:28,120 There, there. Maybe it won't be as bad 153 00:06:28,145 --> 00:06:30,097 as it definitely will be. 154 00:06:31,509 --> 00:06:33,542 Wait, weren't you in a completely different dress 155 00:06:33,611 --> 00:06:36,000 - a minute ago? - It's an award show, Beth. 156 00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:41,134 Len Archer! Hey, long time no see. 157 00:06:41,397 --> 00:06:45,294 - Chuckie Pierce! Been a while. - Yeah. 158 00:06:45,363 --> 00:06:47,563 Last time they invited you to the AJAs, 159 00:06:47,632 --> 00:06:49,732 they were serving brontosaurus, you old bag of bones. 160 00:06:49,801 --> 00:06:51,601 Oh, come on! 161 00:06:51,669 --> 00:06:54,595 Oh, yeah? Well, you're a child molester! 162 00:06:55,607 --> 00:06:59,008 Sorry, too far. I haven't ribbed any of my peers 163 00:06:59,077 --> 00:07:01,825 for a while, you cool hot guy. 164 00:07:01,978 --> 00:07:04,271 Ah! Overcorrected. Tough bullseye. 165 00:07:04,315 --> 00:07:06,958 So, where are you sitting? We're at table three. 166 00:07:07,068 --> 00:07:09,341 Ooh, the legendary table three. 167 00:07:09,366 --> 00:07:11,037 This is where Woodward and Bernstein 168 00:07:11,106 --> 00:07:12,710 got the idea to frame Nixon! 169 00:07:13,478 --> 00:07:15,909 Greg! Hey, Greg! Where are we sitting? 170 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,329 Yeah, we're at table, uh... Toilet. 171 00:07:19,368 --> 00:07:21,648 Good! That's the one we requested! 172 00:07:21,716 --> 00:07:23,049 I'm gladdened by that. 173 00:07:23,074 --> 00:07:24,504 We actually have an extra seat. 174 00:07:24,517 --> 00:07:26,484 Larry King can't bend enough to sit. 175 00:07:26,552 --> 00:07:30,087 His body is mostly jerky now, so if you'd like to join us... 176 00:07:30,869 --> 00:07:32,356 - Sure! Yeah! - Right? 177 00:07:32,425 --> 00:07:35,057 Chuck! Sorry, you're not going to sit with us? 178 00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,229 We're celebrating the work we did together. 179 00:07:41,813 --> 00:07:43,751 I'll tell you what. A compromise. 180 00:07:44,048 --> 00:07:47,893 I'll sit there the entire night, but then... 181 00:07:49,063 --> 00:07:52,143 I'll see you Monday. Okay, let's do it! 182 00:07:55,627 --> 00:07:58,728 Katie! Katie, look! I'm at Chip and Chet's table! 183 00:07:58,797 --> 00:08:01,164 I didn't have a good photo of you, so I showed them 184 00:08:01,232 --> 00:08:03,599 the one from your dermatologist's website. 185 00:08:04,060 --> 00:08:05,948 The rash is from where your bra hits! 186 00:08:06,329 --> 00:08:09,319 - Oh my God. Kill me. - Tell me about it. 187 00:08:09,732 --> 00:08:12,003 - These things are the worst. - That's not what I meant. 188 00:08:12,028 --> 00:08:14,869 I'm just frustrated, 'cause I was really looking forward 189 00:08:14,938 --> 00:08:17,138 to tonight, but it hasn't turned out as I expected. 190 00:08:17,207 --> 00:08:19,006 - Well, what did you expect? - I don't know. 191 00:08:19,075 --> 00:08:21,175 Finally getting to hobnob with my peers. 192 00:08:21,244 --> 00:08:22,977 Smoking a cigar with Rachel Maddow 193 00:08:23,046 --> 00:08:24,868 on the hood of her Subaru Outback. 194 00:08:25,148 --> 00:08:26,583 You've never hobnobbed? 195 00:08:26,950 --> 00:08:28,425 Oh well, look. I can't be your first, okay? 196 00:08:28,496 --> 00:08:29,684 That's too much pressure. 197 00:08:29,752 --> 00:08:31,352 Oh, don't worry. The bar is really low. 198 00:08:31,421 --> 00:08:33,354 If it's anything like my other firsts, 199 00:08:33,423 --> 00:08:35,315 there's gonna be a "Space Jam" DVD menu just playing on loop 200 00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:36,657 in the background. 201 00:08:37,427 --> 00:08:39,178 - I'm Katie. - Jeremy. 202 00:08:39,651 --> 00:08:40,883 So what paper do you work for? 203 00:08:40,915 --> 00:08:42,680 I don't. I work in cable news. 204 00:08:42,820 --> 00:08:45,648 - Really? - What's that supposed to mean? 205 00:08:45,728 --> 00:08:47,830 Nothing. You seem smart, 206 00:08:47,855 --> 00:08:50,198 and cable news is you know, 207 00:08:50,999 --> 00:08:54,200 a scourge on society that will usher in the downfall 208 00:08:54,269 --> 00:08:56,569 - of civilization. - Excuse me. I'll have you know 209 00:08:56,638 --> 00:08:58,204 that I work for "The Breakdown." 210 00:08:58,273 --> 00:08:59,705 We're like "The New York Times" of cable news. 211 00:08:59,774 --> 00:09:01,474 Well, I work for "The New York Times." 212 00:09:01,543 --> 00:09:03,490 We are "The New York Times" of "The New York Times." 213 00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:08,839 Hi, guys! I'm filling in for Chuck. 214 00:09:09,114 --> 00:09:11,705 I'm Chuck! I have an estrogen disorder. 215 00:09:11,749 --> 00:09:14,016 Don't tell anyone, Carol! 216 00:09:15,172 --> 00:09:18,844 Jeez Louise! Why did we get such bad seats? 217 00:09:18,912 --> 00:09:21,440 We suck! That's why Chuck abandoned us! 218 00:09:21,465 --> 00:09:24,166 Chuck did not abandon us. He's like a dog. 219 00:09:24,235 --> 00:09:26,034 Sometimes he gets distracted and he runs off, 220 00:09:26,103 --> 00:09:28,704 but he's loyal to us, because we're his family. 221 00:09:28,772 --> 00:09:30,606 Plus, he'll only eat pills if you smush them 222 00:09:30,674 --> 00:09:31,884 in a piece of a hot dog. 223 00:09:31,909 --> 00:09:33,892 Hey, guys! We deserve this nomination. 224 00:09:33,917 --> 00:09:36,351 Everyone here respects us, and they think we're cool. 225 00:09:36,420 --> 00:09:37,953 We ran out of entrées before we got to your table, 226 00:09:38,021 --> 00:09:39,933 but there's a vending machine in the lobby. 227 00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:45,957 Come on, guys! Dibs on the Certs! 228 00:09:46,255 --> 00:09:48,981 Sit down, 134! This is your final warning! 229 00:09:49,036 --> 00:09:51,936 I'm sorry, Mr. Petrovian. It's a living. 230 00:09:52,005 --> 00:09:54,760 No, it's not. You paid to do this. 231 00:09:55,916 --> 00:09:56,996 That's true. 232 00:09:58,045 --> 00:10:01,146 Well, the world may have changed, but we never will. 233 00:10:01,214 --> 00:10:04,049 Here's to the men that refuse to sell out. 234 00:10:04,117 --> 00:10:05,884 - Yeah. - Hear, hear. 235 00:10:06,270 --> 00:10:07,424 No offense, Chuck. 236 00:10:07,456 --> 00:10:09,723 No, none taken, because I don't understand 237 00:10:09,792 --> 00:10:11,063 what you're talking about. 238 00:10:11,063 --> 00:10:13,030 Well, I'm just saying we don't think less of you 239 00:10:13,098 --> 00:10:16,274 just because we've always had our own shows, and you haven't. 240 00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,149 But I do have my own show. 241 00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,959 "The Breakdown with Chuck Pierce"... 242 00:10:20,853 --> 00:10:22,286 and a woman I'm afraid of. 243 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:25,294 I saw an episode of "The Breakdown" once. 244 00:10:25,992 --> 00:10:27,959 You were interviewing Pizza Rat. 245 00:10:28,027 --> 00:10:29,738 You're telling me that's a call you made? 246 00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,413 No way! Pizza Rat turned us down. 247 00:10:32,438 --> 00:10:34,337 We had to interview a different rat 248 00:10:34,374 --> 00:10:35,500 and pretend it was his dad. 249 00:10:37,050 --> 00:10:38,524 I guess it is pretty funny. 250 00:10:38,996 --> 00:10:41,062 It wasn't even the worst guest we ever had. 251 00:10:41,130 --> 00:10:44,899 We had on Antonin Scalia ten days after he died! 252 00:10:44,967 --> 00:10:46,734 After he died! 253 00:10:46,802 --> 00:10:49,861 Of course they put us by the toilet! The show's a turd! 254 00:10:50,773 --> 00:10:52,806 I'm ashamed to be associated with it, 255 00:10:52,875 --> 00:10:56,143 and everybody who works on it is a giant loser! 256 00:11:03,832 --> 00:11:05,619 You don't think they heard me, do you? 257 00:11:05,688 --> 00:11:06,820 Just because cable news is popular 258 00:11:06,889 --> 00:11:08,615 doesn't mean that it's bad. 259 00:11:08,616 --> 00:11:11,083 Some popular things are great like the Outback Steakhouse, 260 00:11:11,152 --> 00:11:12,807 of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. 261 00:11:12,878 --> 00:11:15,236 Cable news is popular because it's dumb. 262 00:11:15,299 --> 00:11:17,732 You take our complex stories and turn them 263 00:11:17,801 --> 00:11:20,102 into little tiny soundbites. I did a "Times" piece 264 00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:22,270 on a female militia in the Kurdish YPG, 265 00:11:22,339 --> 00:11:24,873 and CNN reported it as "Bitches be Shooting." 266 00:11:24,942 --> 00:11:26,675 Listen, bud. I've worked for the respect 267 00:11:26,743 --> 00:11:28,243 of the people in this room for my entire career, 268 00:11:28,312 --> 00:11:30,645 and no one is going to ruin this night for me. 269 00:11:30,714 --> 00:11:33,682 Not some "New York Times" jerk, and not my unhinged seat filler 270 00:11:33,750 --> 00:11:35,717 mom, who... Oh my God, where's my mom? 271 00:11:35,786 --> 00:11:36,887 What? You brought your mother? 272 00:11:36,934 --> 00:11:39,426 Yes, and now I've lost her because I was arguing with you, 273 00:11:39,528 --> 00:11:40,748 you stupid bastard! 274 00:11:40,749 --> 00:11:42,482 I have to find her before it's too late! 275 00:11:42,858 --> 00:11:44,758 Coming up next, the award for 276 00:11:44,826 --> 00:11:47,026 Best investigative Piece in a One-Hour News Program. 277 00:11:47,095 --> 00:11:49,890 That's my category. It's too late. 278 00:11:52,488 --> 00:11:54,756 Excuse me! Hi, have you seen my mom? 279 00:11:54,792 --> 00:11:57,229 Seat filler 134? I can't find her. 280 00:11:57,254 --> 00:11:58,711 A seat filler went rogue? 281 00:11:59,089 --> 00:12:00,288 Code red, I think we have a runner! 282 00:12:00,290 --> 00:12:01,990 Bring her back, dead or alive! 283 00:12:02,030 --> 00:12:03,583 We're here to present the award 284 00:12:03,654 --> 00:12:05,941 for Best Investigative Piece in a One-Hour News Program. 285 00:12:06,175 --> 00:12:08,157 They're announcing my award and I can't find my mom. 286 00:12:08,182 --> 00:12:10,098 I know she's gonna do something embarrassing. 287 00:12:10,150 --> 00:12:12,902 And the winner for Best Investigative Piece 288 00:12:12,965 --> 00:12:15,203 in a one-hour news program is: 289 00:12:15,689 --> 00:12:18,291 Laura DeMassey, "Frontline"! 290 00:12:18,316 --> 00:12:21,810 - Oh no, I lost. - I'm sorry, Katie. 291 00:12:22,020 --> 00:12:23,219 You deserved that award. 292 00:12:23,288 --> 00:12:25,592 Who cares? My mother's gonna Kanye! 293 00:12:25,627 --> 00:12:27,927 Laura DeMassey was the producer and subject 294 00:12:27,995 --> 00:12:29,594 of her "Frontline" piece 295 00:12:29,663 --> 00:12:31,430 "My Battle With Slow Bones Disease." 296 00:12:31,498 --> 00:12:35,462 Come on, lady. Just say thank you and get off. 297 00:12:35,579 --> 00:12:37,583 Slow Bones Disease affects 298 00:12:37,608 --> 00:12:39,898 nearly zero people every year. 299 00:12:42,117 --> 00:12:43,842 Webster's... 300 00:12:44,919 --> 00:12:46,344 Dictionary... 301 00:12:47,953 --> 00:12:49,214 defines... 302 00:12:49,685 --> 00:12:52,999 Oh, god. The jaw is a bone! 303 00:12:54,897 --> 00:12:55,958 "Proud"... 304 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,885 It's over! It's over! My mom didn't do anything! 305 00:13:01,954 --> 00:13:05,807 She missed my award! Wait, my mom missed my award? 306 00:13:08,073 --> 00:13:09,277 Ladies and gentlemen, 307 00:13:09,309 --> 00:13:11,938 the Edward R. Murrow Lifetime Achievement Award. 308 00:13:15,436 --> 00:13:17,336 This is Len Archer, reporting live 309 00:13:17,404 --> 00:13:18,789 from the LA Riots. 310 00:13:20,207 --> 00:13:22,341 Live from the Berlin Wall. 311 00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:26,532 Live from the Chilean mine where 33 men remain trapped. 312 00:13:27,214 --> 00:13:28,480 How have you been holding up? 313 00:13:28,549 --> 00:13:31,599 _ 314 00:13:32,824 --> 00:13:33,878 He's got a good point. 315 00:13:33,895 --> 00:13:36,753 Now that's the career of a man who never sold out! 316 00:13:36,835 --> 00:13:39,136 If I stood my ground like you did, I could be hosting 317 00:13:39,205 --> 00:13:41,175 "The Chuck Pierce Show" right now. 318 00:13:41,206 --> 00:13:43,674 You're lucky, Len. You get to retire knowing 319 00:13:43,742 --> 00:13:45,075 you went out on top. 320 00:13:45,294 --> 00:13:48,487 - Retire? Never! - You're not retiring? 321 00:13:48,714 --> 00:13:50,280 "The Len Archer Show" is ending! 322 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,981 On television! They said I wasn't getting the ratings 323 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,666 anymore, and they wanted me to share a desk 324 00:13:54,691 --> 00:13:58,087 with a young co-host. I told them no way! 325 00:13:58,390 --> 00:14:02,223 Nobody tells Len Archer how to do "The Len Archer Show!" 326 00:14:02,609 --> 00:14:04,509 That's why we're moving over to YouTube Red, 327 00:14:04,578 --> 00:14:07,234 and the show will stay exactly the way it's always been. 328 00:14:07,380 --> 00:14:09,827 Plus, there's these teen boys who 329 00:14:10,276 --> 00:14:12,242 prank me while I read the news. Excuse me. 330 00:14:13,913 --> 00:14:14,944 Wait, what? 331 00:14:14,995 --> 00:14:16,928 Tensions rise in the Middle East as Turkey 332 00:14:16,997 --> 00:14:18,797 urges Iraqi Kurds to... 333 00:14:24,732 --> 00:14:27,739 We have had a very clear... a very clear policy... 334 00:14:30,935 --> 00:14:33,664 That Len. What a legend. 335 00:14:33,904 --> 00:14:36,939 A legend? He's letting teens fart on him! 336 00:14:37,286 --> 00:14:39,252 At least you retired with your dignity. 337 00:14:39,322 --> 00:14:42,356 I didn't retire! I'm the host of the "Embassy Nightly News." 338 00:14:42,425 --> 00:14:44,191 No, you're not! Lester Holt is! 339 00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,661 No, not the "NBC Nightly News," 340 00:14:46,729 --> 00:14:49,518 the "Embassy Nightly News" at Embassy Suites! 341 00:14:49,833 --> 00:14:52,096 I'm on the menu channel when you first turn on your TV 342 00:14:52,121 --> 00:14:53,299 in your hotel room! 343 00:14:53,347 --> 00:14:55,433 "This just in, room service ends at 10, 344 00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:58,002 but there is a Denny's within walking distance." 345 00:14:58,102 --> 00:15:00,802 No. No. 346 00:15:01,450 --> 00:15:03,425 Harold, surely you... 347 00:15:03,450 --> 00:15:06,209 Oh, "The Harold Bauer News Hour" is still going strong. 348 00:15:06,277 --> 00:15:07,527 Oh, thank God. 349 00:15:07,570 --> 00:15:09,864 Only now we're over on the Chiller Network, 350 00:15:09,907 --> 00:15:12,407 and they wanted the Crypt Keeper to be my co-host. 351 00:15:12,476 --> 00:15:14,109 But I said no, and then they said, 352 00:15:14,178 --> 00:15:15,611 well then, we won't pay you. 353 00:15:15,679 --> 00:15:18,013 And I said fine, so now I'm doing the show for free. 354 00:15:18,038 --> 00:15:19,471 But I didn't compromise. 355 00:15:19,496 --> 00:15:22,092 Ladies and gentlemen, Len Archer. 356 00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,354 This is probably the proudest moment of my life. 357 00:15:25,422 --> 00:15:28,056 When I started in the broadcasting business 358 00:15:28,125 --> 00:15:31,260 about 35... what? No. God, no. Not now. Boys, not now. 359 00:15:31,328 --> 00:15:32,885 Not here! Please, boys! 360 00:15:33,831 --> 00:15:35,030 Mom! 361 00:15:35,099 --> 00:15:38,016 Or is it Rita Moreno's younger, hotter sister? 362 00:15:38,041 --> 00:15:40,278 Where have you been? They just announced my award. 363 00:15:40,303 --> 00:15:42,137 - I lost. - Oh, no. 364 00:15:42,162 --> 00:15:45,446 I'm so sorry, sweetie. I guess I was so busy getting ready 365 00:15:45,515 --> 00:15:47,548 for my award I missed yours. 366 00:15:47,573 --> 00:15:48,958 What? Your award? 367 00:15:48,990 --> 00:15:50,290 Well, "The Breakdown" is up for an award, 368 00:15:50,358 --> 00:15:53,528 and I work for it, so I'm up for it too. 369 00:15:53,710 --> 00:15:56,144 I can't believe it. It's the first time in my life 370 00:15:56,212 --> 00:15:59,313 I've ever been recognized for anything. It's cool, huh? 371 00:15:59,382 --> 00:16:01,616 Wait, so okay. When you kept saying our award, 372 00:16:01,684 --> 00:16:03,563 you actually meant... oh, boy. 373 00:16:04,241 --> 00:16:07,097 I get it! Katie, you thought that Carol 374 00:16:07,122 --> 00:16:08,817 was gonna make your night all about her. 375 00:16:08,859 --> 00:16:12,318 But actually, you made her night all about you. 376 00:16:13,219 --> 00:16:15,143 What a funny miscommunication! 377 00:16:15,168 --> 00:16:18,256 Okay, so I want to go up onstage with everyone. 378 00:16:18,256 --> 00:16:21,457 So I'm hiding out here until our category's announced, okay? 379 00:16:21,526 --> 00:16:24,026 - Don't tell Mr. Petrovian. - I won't. 380 00:16:24,894 --> 00:16:26,228 But Greg might have. 381 00:16:26,297 --> 00:16:28,544 There she is. Come with me. 382 00:16:30,301 --> 00:16:32,868 Thanks for the tip, ma'am. If it weren't for you, 383 00:16:32,937 --> 00:16:35,519 this seat filler would have gotten to enjoy the show. 384 00:16:36,614 --> 00:16:37,967 Katie? 385 00:16:40,483 --> 00:16:42,341 You're like so mean to your mom. 386 00:16:45,404 --> 00:16:47,339 Let me stay, Mr. Petrovian. 387 00:16:47,341 --> 00:16:50,175 - I'll be a good seat filler. - Silence, 134. 388 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:52,614 The only seat you'll be filling is the electric seat! 389 00:16:52,685 --> 00:16:55,274 Stop! Stop! Let her go! She's my plus one! 390 00:16:55,335 --> 00:16:57,235 Wait, you said you didn't get a plus one. 391 00:16:57,304 --> 00:16:58,703 I lied. Check the list. 392 00:16:58,772 --> 00:17:00,271 It's on there under "Katie Wendelson," 393 00:17:00,340 --> 00:17:02,284 or Kody Winklebink. 394 00:17:03,835 --> 00:17:06,445 She is a guest. I am so sorry. 395 00:17:06,938 --> 00:17:08,454 Please, please forgive me. 396 00:17:09,007 --> 00:17:11,833 Your friends won't save you next time, seat rat. 397 00:17:14,179 --> 00:17:17,594 So you lied to me, and then you tried to get me kicked out? 398 00:17:17,641 --> 00:17:19,351 - What the heck, Katie? - I'm sorry. 399 00:17:19,398 --> 00:17:21,535 I was afraid you were gonna embarrass me. 400 00:17:21,598 --> 00:17:25,187 Embarrass you? When have I ever embarrassed you? 401 00:17:25,702 --> 00:17:27,802 "Star Search," prom, dentist, ninth grade, mall, 402 00:17:27,871 --> 00:17:30,138 mall, mall, mall, bra, mall. It doesn't matter. 403 00:17:30,207 --> 00:17:32,140 I was just so focused on my big night 404 00:17:32,209 --> 00:17:34,347 that I assumed you were too. 405 00:17:34,578 --> 00:17:36,277 It didn't even occur to me that 406 00:17:36,302 --> 00:17:38,418 you might be excited for your own reasons. 407 00:17:38,462 --> 00:17:40,196 I'm just so used to seeing you as my mom 408 00:17:40,265 --> 00:17:43,033 that I forgot that you have your own feelings 409 00:17:43,101 --> 00:17:45,869 and your own dreams, 'cause you're your own person! 410 00:17:45,938 --> 00:17:48,405 I don't know why that's so hard for me to remember. 411 00:17:50,242 --> 00:17:52,145 Oh, it's okay, pumpkin. 412 00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:54,245 Oh, I'm sorry about "Star Search." 413 00:17:54,271 --> 00:17:57,005 It's just so hard seeing your baby disappointed. 414 00:17:57,178 --> 00:17:59,511 You'll understand one day when you have a daughter. 415 00:17:59,984 --> 00:18:01,513 - Or a son. - All right, Mom. 416 00:18:01,582 --> 00:18:04,215 Come on. Let's go back to our table. 417 00:18:04,735 --> 00:18:06,990 They're about to announce your award. 418 00:18:09,632 --> 00:18:12,724 Hey, gang. How's tricks? 419 00:18:12,793 --> 00:18:15,627 Oh, I'm sorry. Is somebody talking? 420 00:18:15,696 --> 00:18:17,629 Yeah, Chuck. But I'm still mad, 421 00:18:17,698 --> 00:18:19,043 so I'm not gonna talk to him. 422 00:18:19,075 --> 00:18:22,264 And the nominees for Best Late Afternoon/Early Evening 423 00:18:22,289 --> 00:18:23,588 News Program are... 424 00:18:23,821 --> 00:18:25,718 "The Breakdown" with Chuck Pierce 425 00:18:25,743 --> 00:18:27,204 and Portia Scott-Griffith. 426 00:18:27,204 --> 00:18:29,414 This is it! Everybody ready to go on stage? 427 00:18:29,479 --> 00:18:30,999 I wouldn't get my hopes up, Carol. 428 00:18:30,999 --> 00:18:33,953 The face of our show called us losers, we're at table toilet, 429 00:18:34,062 --> 00:18:35,301 and my Certs were rotten. 430 00:18:35,345 --> 00:18:36,832 Well, I believe we're gonna win. 431 00:18:36,857 --> 00:18:39,318 And if you don't, I'm gonna believe enough for all of us! 432 00:18:39,357 --> 00:18:41,201 Now chins up, turkeys! 433 00:18:52,731 --> 00:18:54,314 And the winner is... 434 00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:56,149 "Chip and Chet's Spring Break!" 435 00:19:05,129 --> 00:19:06,510 It's OK, Katie. 436 00:19:06,534 --> 00:19:09,540 I was stupid to think I deserved to be rcognized. 437 00:19:17,811 --> 00:19:19,518 Yo, Chip and Chet, I'm really happy for you. 438 00:19:19,518 --> 00:19:22,319 I'ma let you finish, but "The Breakdown" deserved this award. 439 00:19:22,388 --> 00:19:25,355 We work so hard! Especially my mom! 440 00:19:25,424 --> 00:19:27,291 She works her little butt off, and this should go to her, 441 00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:29,967 not to you guys for some stupid spring break special. 442 00:19:30,061 --> 00:19:33,046 Wait, what did you guys do exactly on spring break? 443 00:19:34,133 --> 00:19:37,301 You saved a bunch of refugee women from Syria. Okay. 444 00:19:37,369 --> 00:19:39,223 I'm gonna give that back to you then. 445 00:19:39,326 --> 00:19:40,370 Sorry for what you've been through. 446 00:19:40,439 --> 00:19:41,805 Not so fast, sweetheart. 447 00:19:41,874 --> 00:19:43,707 I'm Chuck Pierce from "The Breakdown." 448 00:19:43,776 --> 00:19:45,342 I used to be embarrassed by that, 449 00:19:45,411 --> 00:19:48,212 but now I see just how lucky I am. 450 00:19:48,446 --> 00:19:51,981 Lucky to have a co-anchor who keeps me relevant. 451 00:19:52,355 --> 00:19:54,620 Lucky to have producers, and editors, 452 00:19:54,645 --> 00:19:56,711 and whatever the Jewish guy does! 453 00:19:56,736 --> 00:19:58,540 I think he's the basketball coach? 454 00:19:58,540 --> 00:20:01,795 The point is, "The Breakdown" may not be my show, 455 00:20:02,664 --> 00:20:06,299 but it's our show! And I think we do a damn good job! 456 00:20:06,325 --> 00:20:08,491 That's like the nicest thing he's ever said. 457 00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,293 Yeah. Hey, should we get out of here 458 00:20:10,362 --> 00:20:11,795 - before they call the cops? - Yep. 459 00:20:11,863 --> 00:20:14,364 We got a camera guy, fell off a ladder. 460 00:20:14,433 --> 00:20:17,267 - He's wearing a... - I just want to say 461 00:20:17,336 --> 00:20:20,220 Kanye hasn't made any good music since he's had kids. 462 00:20:25,019 --> 00:20:27,777 Oh, cool, cool, cool. You're still here. 463 00:20:27,846 --> 00:20:29,512 Great, so I guess you... 464 00:20:29,581 --> 00:20:31,715 Saw you upstage a bunch of refugee women. 465 00:20:31,783 --> 00:20:33,850 Yes, yes. I don't know if you caught their speech, 466 00:20:33,919 --> 00:20:35,980 but they said it was the worst thing that's ever happened to them. 467 00:20:36,020 --> 00:20:38,502 Thank you. For a second, I almost forgot that I humiliated 468 00:20:38,527 --> 00:20:41,028 myself in front of every person I've ever looked up to. 469 00:20:41,411 --> 00:20:43,911 Oh, someone always makes a fool of themselves at the AJAs. 470 00:20:44,139 --> 00:20:46,172 Last year, Bill O'Reilly got his tongue stuck 471 00:20:46,241 --> 00:20:47,746 to a female ice sculpture's butt. 472 00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:49,547 - Oh! - Yeah. You know so in a way, 473 00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:51,682 you proved that you belong here like anyone else. 474 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,284 Okay, well thank you. 475 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,286 Sorry I ruined a perfectly good hobnob. 476 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,855 Oh, well. Hobnob, hobnob, Linkedln, hobnob. 477 00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,657 Hey, you know while we're hobnobbing, 478 00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:00,958 should we exchange business cards? 479 00:21:01,027 --> 00:21:03,027 Oh, yeah. I got this off a website 480 00:21:03,096 --> 00:21:05,496 for free business cards, so ignore the ad on the back 481 00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:07,367 for biodegradable female condoms. 482 00:21:08,573 --> 00:21:10,803 Pardon me, have you seen a teen boy 483 00:21:10,835 --> 00:21:14,398 dressed as an attractive woman, holding a pair of tuxedo pants? 484 00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:17,581 - No. - Damn it! 485 00:21:18,573 --> 00:21:20,890 Caden, I need my pants! 486 00:21:21,507 --> 00:21:23,700 I can't go home to my wife like this! 487 00:21:24,335 --> 00:21:25,444 Not again!