1
00:00:01,047 --> 00:00:02,381
Okay, everybody, one minute to air.

2
00:00:02,383 --> 00:00:03,615
- Attention!
- Mom, you know

3
00:00:03,616 --> 00:00:05,070
you're not allowed in the control room.

4
00:00:05,101 --> 00:00:06,929
I know, but an alert came in on the wire.

5
00:00:06,930 --> 00:00:08,453
China just launched a missile.

6
00:00:08,508 --> 00:00:09,774
- What?
- Oh, my God.

7
00:00:10,606 --> 00:00:12,005
Chuck, Portia, scrap everything,

8
00:00:12,074 --> 00:00:14,218
China has just launched a missile.

9
00:00:14,583 --> 00:00:15,982
Guys, we're dropping the piece

10
00:00:16,051 --> 00:00:17,684
on the Theresa May/Angela
Merkel husband swap.

11
00:00:17,753 --> 00:00:19,499
Katie, get someone from DoD on the phone.

12
00:00:19,554 --> 00:00:21,254
On it. Justin, we need China graphics.

13
00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:23,789
Just reuse the ones from when
the pope ate at Panda Express.

14
00:00:23,858 --> 00:00:27,789
Portia, moments like these
define us as journalists.

15
00:00:27,966 --> 00:00:29,395
I don't think I can do this.

16
00:00:29,464 --> 00:00:32,064
Yes, you can. You call your loved ones.

17
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,467
You make sure no words are left unsaid,

18
00:00:34,535 --> 00:00:36,576
and then you do your job.

19
00:00:36,838 --> 00:00:39,736
Darlene, I know we're not married anymore,

20
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,874
but I just need to say,

21
00:00:42,815 --> 00:00:45,201
you are a bitch.

22
00:00:47,467 --> 00:00:50,641
Good evening, America. The
unthinkable has happened.

23
00:00:51,126 --> 00:00:54,798
At 3:55 Eastern Time, the
People's Republic of China

24
00:00:54,863 --> 00:00:56,042
launched a missile.

25
00:00:56,042 --> 00:00:58,109
News daddy says we're gonna die!

26
00:00:58,652 --> 00:01:01,098
Don't worry, everyone. I have a gun.

27
00:01:01,322 --> 00:01:03,790
Oh, God! Someone stole my gun.

28
00:01:05,619 --> 00:01:08,218
_

29
00:01:08,286 --> 00:01:10,431
Everyone remain calm! Read my mug!

30
00:01:10,455 --> 00:01:11,845
_

31
00:01:12,025 --> 00:01:15,576
No, I'm the leader now!
This is Wayne's world!

32
00:01:16,031 --> 00:01:17,397
Okay, I hear it.

33
00:01:17,466 --> 00:01:19,499
I know I had the gun in the bathroom...

34
00:01:19,568 --> 00:01:21,401
Wait, hold on, everybody.

35
00:01:21,470 --> 00:01:22,869
Everybody, shut up! Shut up!

36
00:01:22,938 --> 00:01:24,770
Wait, they didn't? You're sure?

37
00:01:25,207 --> 00:01:28,237
Mom, where did you see that story?

38
00:01:29,166 --> 00:01:31,016
I didn't have my cheaters on.

39
00:01:31,126 --> 00:01:32,975
Maybe I made a mistake.

40
00:01:35,035 --> 00:01:36,114
Aha.

41
00:01:38,424 --> 00:01:42,247
Attention, China did not launch a missile.

42
00:01:42,861 --> 00:01:44,517
It was Blac Chyna,

43
00:01:44,542 --> 00:01:47,171
and she launched a lip gloss line.

44
00:01:47,732 --> 00:01:51,000
Oh, my God, that's so much worse! Ugh!

45
00:01:51,341 --> 00:01:54,049
Congratulations, everyone.
We just made fake news.

46
00:02:00,083 --> 00:02:02,083
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com

47
00:02:03,887 --> 00:02:05,694
- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

48
00:02:07,324 --> 00:02:08,756
So the other day was
pretty crazy, wasn't it?

49
00:02:08,825 --> 00:02:10,692
You mean when we almost kissed?

50
00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:12,947
No, I meant when your mother
pulled a "War of the Worlds."

51
00:02:13,007 --> 00:02:16,108
- Oh, yeah.
- Should we talk about that?

52
00:02:16,177 --> 00:02:18,077
Maybe we should, 'cause we wouldn't want

53
00:02:18,145 --> 00:02:20,279
things to get awkward, 'cause
then the words that we talk

54
00:02:20,348 --> 00:02:21,947
wouldn't work anymore, for working.

55
00:02:22,016 --> 00:02:23,402
I completely respond.

56
00:02:24,226 --> 00:02:26,560
Darlene, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!

57
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:28,180
I thought the world was ending!

58
00:02:28,209 --> 00:02:30,003
She's such a bitch.

59
00:02:32,153 --> 00:02:33,295
Thanks, Vladislav.

60
00:02:33,714 --> 00:02:36,575
I don't know why someone would
throw out their underwear in there.

61
00:02:36,899 --> 00:02:38,711
Before we begin, I have some news.

62
00:02:38,821 --> 00:02:41,088
Since our big hacking exposé...

63
00:02:43,159 --> 00:02:46,193
Relax, relax. We've done
several bad shows since then.

64
00:02:46,543 --> 00:02:48,042
- We have.
- Since the story forced

65
00:02:48,111 --> 00:02:50,211
a number of executives to step down,

66
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:52,981
the board is installing
a new network president.

67
00:02:53,049 --> 00:02:55,583
Which means we will be getting a new boss.

68
00:02:55,652 --> 00:02:57,018
So if I need next week off to attend

69
00:02:57,087 --> 00:02:58,686
a poorly organized music festival,

70
00:02:58,755 --> 00:03:00,064
would I ask him or you?

71
00:03:00,089 --> 00:03:01,222
Ideally, neither.

72
00:03:01,424 --> 00:03:02,690
Oh, that's not an option.

73
00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:04,463
I'm the one organizing the festival.

74
00:03:04,494 --> 00:03:07,295
Well, I, for one, can't
wait to meet the new boss.

75
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,916
Maybe he can finally get
this place back on track.

76
00:03:10,003 --> 00:03:11,502
A return to hard news!

77
00:03:11,571 --> 00:03:13,118
Me talking like this.

78
00:03:13,508 --> 00:03:15,953
And sometimes... Like this.

79
00:03:16,055 --> 00:03:17,915
I don't think that's what people want.

80
00:03:18,224 --> 00:03:19,924
Uh, excuse me?

81
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,860
The landscape of cable news has changed.

82
00:03:22,929 --> 00:03:26,664
No one just sits at a desk
and says the news anymore.

83
00:03:26,732 --> 00:03:29,500
And do you want to give me
one reason why I should listen

84
00:03:29,569 --> 00:03:33,170
to your opinions about the news, Vladislav?

85
00:03:33,239 --> 00:03:35,827
Because I am not Vladislav.

86
00:03:36,718 --> 00:03:38,955
I'm Diana St. Tropez.

87
00:03:41,352 --> 00:03:42,751
And I'm your new boss.

88
00:03:45,024 --> 00:03:47,025
Diana St. Tropez! I know her!

89
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:48,969
She wrote that female empowerment book

90
00:03:49,018 --> 00:03:51,687
"Boardroom Bitch." She's like my idol.

91
00:03:51,744 --> 00:03:53,411
You're the new president of MMN?

92
00:03:53,479 --> 00:03:55,046
I'm sorry I "Undercover Bossed" you,

93
00:03:55,114 --> 00:03:57,181
but I had to become Vladislav to really get

94
00:03:57,250 --> 00:03:59,617
an unbiased sense of this
place and the way it runs.

95
00:03:59,686 --> 00:04:02,486
But Vladislav and I showered together.

96
00:04:02,555 --> 00:04:04,255
For those of you who don't know me,

97
00:04:04,481 --> 00:04:06,982
my name is Diana St. Tropez.

98
00:04:07,231 --> 00:04:10,699
I am the only female Fortune 500 CEO

99
00:04:10,768 --> 00:04:12,834
from a non-shapeware-related company.

100
00:04:13,257 --> 00:04:14,706
I sleep two hours a night.

101
00:04:14,706 --> 00:04:16,932
I'm never not doing Kegels.

102
00:04:18,439 --> 00:04:21,666
And my forte is rebranding
struggling companies.

103
00:04:21,842 --> 00:04:25,144
And now I, Diana St. Tropez,

104
00:04:25,212 --> 00:04:26,945
am here to bring "The Breakdown"

105
00:04:27,014 --> 00:04:28,547
into the 21st century.

106
00:04:28,616 --> 00:04:29,815
Well, I think "The Breakdown"

107
00:04:29,884 --> 00:04:31,917
is just fine the way it is.

108
00:04:31,986 --> 00:04:34,019
We're the number one show in hospitals

109
00:04:34,088 --> 00:04:36,121
and on sinking riverboat casinos.

110
00:04:36,190 --> 00:04:37,761
You have an opportunity here.

111
00:04:38,027 --> 00:04:40,093
With America on the verge
of eating itself alive,

112
00:04:40,118 --> 00:04:42,585
people are finally
watching cable news again.

113
00:04:42,610 --> 00:04:44,110
Even I started watching the news.

114
00:04:44,478 --> 00:04:46,178
And you know I only like mystery shows

115
00:04:46,247 --> 00:04:47,646
with a strong female lead.

116
00:04:47,715 --> 00:04:48,831
That's true.

117
00:04:49,179 --> 00:04:51,970
You are all capable of
more than you think you are.

118
00:04:52,724 --> 00:04:55,366
And with my help, we are gonna

119
00:04:55,391 --> 00:04:56,742
take "The Breakdown"

120
00:04:57,710 --> 00:04:58,936
to number one.

121
00:04:58,936 --> 00:05:01,229
Yes! I've never been
number one at anything.

122
00:05:01,651 --> 00:05:04,101
Welcome, Diana. We are
very glad you're here.

123
00:05:04,144 --> 00:05:06,180
Yes!

124
00:05:06,870 --> 00:05:09,190
- This is the best!
- Wonderful!

125
00:05:11,135 --> 00:05:13,202
Oh, I can't believe Diana's our boss.

126
00:05:13,270 --> 00:05:15,208
Her life is everything that I want.

127
00:05:15,247 --> 00:05:16,932
She's a world-renowned journalist

128
00:05:16,987 --> 00:05:18,908
with four blue-eyed daughters named Carol?

129
00:05:18,933 --> 00:05:20,732
No. That's what you want for me.

130
00:05:21,019 --> 00:05:23,587
I think I met Diana
at an Illuminati meeting.

131
00:05:24,322 --> 00:05:26,189
I mean... Burger King.

132
00:05:26,531 --> 00:05:28,020
I just want to make a good impression.

133
00:05:28,045 --> 00:05:29,397
I've read all of her books.

134
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:32,020
Oh, that's like me and Shakespeare.

135
00:05:32,063 --> 00:05:33,796
Have you read Rick Shakespeare?

136
00:05:33,865 --> 00:05:36,387
He writes nasty, funny erotica.

137
00:05:36,412 --> 00:05:38,178
She's so smart. Listen to this.

138
00:05:38,222 --> 00:05:40,168
"Women need to listen like a man.

139
00:05:40,193 --> 00:05:41,579
_

140
00:05:41,604 --> 00:05:43,203
"Don't nod or give encouragement,

141
00:05:43,272 --> 00:05:44,838
"and when you do speak, never turn

142
00:05:44,907 --> 00:05:46,150
a statement into a question."

143
00:05:46,150 --> 00:05:48,375
I'm pretty sure I don't do that? Damn it?

144
00:05:48,984 --> 00:05:50,584
Well, I don't like her.

145
00:05:50,755 --> 00:05:52,090
What? Why?

146
00:05:52,090 --> 00:05:53,423
She seems shrill and annoying!

147
00:05:53,492 --> 00:05:55,031
Shrill and annoying?

148
00:05:55,110 --> 00:05:56,943
Mom, you know why you think that?

149
00:05:57,012 --> 00:05:59,646
Internalized sexism.
Older women can't stand

150
00:05:59,715 --> 00:06:01,399
seeing a strong woman succeed.

151
00:06:01,424 --> 00:06:03,184
It's why Hillary lost the election.

152
00:06:03,184 --> 00:06:05,217
No, Hillary lost the election
because she sent an email

153
00:06:05,285 --> 00:06:07,480
to her server at Benihana.

154
00:06:07,656 --> 00:06:09,422
Well, I don't care if
you don't like her, Mom,

155
00:06:09,491 --> 00:06:11,286
because I'm gonna be her protégé?

156
00:06:12,294 --> 00:06:14,864
I'm gonna be her protégé. Yeah.

157
00:06:21,837 --> 00:06:23,770
Well, there's obviously
something wrong here.

158
00:06:23,839 --> 00:06:26,354
Portia, I'm gonna go fire
the desk-measuring guy.

159
00:06:26,379 --> 00:06:27,718
No, no, no, no. This is part

160
00:06:27,743 --> 00:06:29,284
of Diana's revamp of the show.

161
00:06:29,321 --> 00:06:31,774
Two anchors sitting at a
desk, reading from a teleprompter

162
00:06:31,827 --> 00:06:33,293
isn't what people want anymore.

163
00:06:33,362 --> 00:06:35,762
They want one older anchor reading alone

164
00:06:35,831 --> 00:06:37,518
- from a teleprompter?
- No.

165
00:06:37,543 --> 00:06:39,109
They want to see someone they agree with

166
00:06:39,153 --> 00:06:41,104
argue with someone they don't,

167
00:06:41,129 --> 00:06:44,495
because spirited discourse
can lead to real solutions.

168
00:06:46,793 --> 00:06:48,159
I'm kidding, it's just gonna be

169
00:06:48,228 --> 00:06:49,961
a bunch of lunatics
screaming at each other.

170
00:06:50,030 --> 00:06:52,166
I'm really good at getting people riled up.

171
00:06:52,372 --> 00:06:54,811
One time, I saw Serena Williams at a party,

172
00:06:54,811 --> 00:06:57,045
and I was like, "Hey, Venus, how are you?"

173
00:06:58,328 --> 00:06:59,728
This is balderdash.

174
00:06:59,796 --> 00:07:02,234
News is not the place
for screaming opinions.

175
00:07:02,416 --> 00:07:05,150
The place for that is my mother's grave.

176
00:07:05,219 --> 00:07:07,052
Fine, Chuck. We don't need to...

177
00:07:07,121 --> 00:07:09,054
Greg, is it weird that we
have all these little tiny chairs

178
00:07:09,123 --> 00:07:11,757
and just that one big red chair?

179
00:07:12,278 --> 00:07:13,878
Should we lose it? I mean, unless you had

180
00:07:13,946 --> 00:07:16,702
someone really powerful and
commanding sitting there...

181
00:07:18,468 --> 00:07:20,034
I could sit there.

182
00:07:20,195 --> 00:07:21,283
Perfect.

183
00:07:26,178 --> 00:07:28,812
Did you just use
reverse psychology on him?

184
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:30,447
No, you did.

185
00:07:33,251 --> 00:07:34,117
Wow.

186
00:07:36,872 --> 00:07:38,118
Ms. St. Tropez?

187
00:07:38,118 --> 00:07:39,758
Are you my new personal trainer?

188
00:07:39,758 --> 00:07:41,921
You better be mean and gay.
They're the only ones I respect.

189
00:07:41,991 --> 00:07:44,725
Oh, I... no, I'm Katie. I'm a huge fan.

190
00:07:44,794 --> 00:07:46,614
I was just hoping to pick your brain?

191
00:07:46,677 --> 00:07:48,544
I'm running a multi-billion dollar empire.

192
00:07:48,613 --> 00:07:50,879
I only have five minutes of
free time scheduled every day,

193
00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:53,222
and I've already used
it to write this poem.

194
00:07:55,406 --> 00:07:56,685
Oh, my God.

195
00:07:56,754 --> 00:07:57,478
Yeah.

196
00:07:58,100 --> 00:08:00,404
So please, make it quick.

197
00:08:01,003 --> 00:08:04,104
I just... I've always wanted a mentor.

198
00:08:04,173 --> 00:08:06,773
You know? Diana?

199
00:08:07,306 --> 00:08:10,582
Oh, I get it. You are listening like a man.

200
00:08:10,773 --> 00:08:12,940
It's fine. I don't need encouragement.

201
00:08:13,194 --> 00:08:15,453
Anyway, I just feel
like I'm working so hard

202
00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:18,096
to be taken seriously, and
I'm not getting anywhere.

203
00:08:18,718 --> 00:08:21,819
Was that a dumb thing to say?
I'm sorry. Are you mad at me?

204
00:08:21,888 --> 00:08:24,121
I'm just really nervous
'cause, once, I had a dream

205
00:08:24,190 --> 00:08:25,990
that you were holding me and
telling me I was good enough

206
00:08:26,059 --> 00:08:27,592
and we were in a lake, topless.

207
00:08:27,660 --> 00:08:29,994
Should I not have told you
that? Are you mad at me?

208
00:08:30,063 --> 00:08:32,079
Will you mentor me? Am I dead?

209
00:08:33,544 --> 00:08:34,554
Are you done?

210
00:08:35,165 --> 00:08:37,699
Unfortunately, I don't have
time to take on a protégé.

211
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:41,127
But here's some advice.
Stop doubting yourself.

212
00:08:41,190 --> 00:08:43,836
Focus on your work, and freeze your eggs.

213
00:08:44,260 --> 00:08:47,127
Worrying about your personal
life is a distraction.

214
00:08:47,196 --> 00:08:49,196
Take marriage and kids off the table,

215
00:08:49,265 --> 00:08:51,665
and you can stay
laser-focused on your career.

216
00:08:51,734 --> 00:08:53,901
30 is for working, 50 is for having kids,

217
00:08:53,969 --> 00:08:56,304
and 140 is for dying. Good-bye.

218
00:08:56,336 --> 00:08:58,035
Oh, thank you so much for that advice.

219
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:59,437
This is really a dream come...

220
00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:14,485
So do you want to talk about
what happened the other day?

221
00:09:14,510 --> 00:09:15,640
What other day?

222
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:19,557
You know when we... Our mouths didn't...

223
00:09:19,846 --> 00:09:20,823
Oh.

224
00:09:20,918 --> 00:09:24,363
I have been so caught up with
Diana being here and work...

225
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:25,830
Yeah. No, no, me too.

226
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,331
I just wanted to make
sure that you're okay.

227
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,666
You know? Because I'm in a relationship.

228
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:29,800
Oh, I know, I know.

229
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:31,969
With Kat, who is a person.

230
00:09:32,369 --> 00:09:33,782
She's in "Heat" right now.

231
00:09:34,807 --> 00:09:36,789
They're doing a Broadway
remake of the movie.

232
00:09:36,854 --> 00:09:38,153
Oh, yeah.

233
00:09:38,390 --> 00:09:39,781
Welcome to "The Breakdown."

234
00:09:39,782 --> 00:09:42,133
- I'm Chuck Pierce.
- And I'm Portia Scott-Griffith.

235
00:09:42,173 --> 00:09:43,506
And on our panel today,

236
00:09:43,575 --> 00:09:45,742
we have Obama denier and author of the book

237
00:09:45,810 --> 00:09:48,230
"Well, I Never Met Him," Alan Jarvis.

238
00:09:48,613 --> 00:09:52,255
Trans-racial fracking
misunderstander Sally Rosenberg,

239
00:09:52,310 --> 00:09:55,177
Wiccan priestess and
director of the documentary

240
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:58,113
"I Hate the Troops," Imani Fokolo,

241
00:09:58,182 --> 00:10:00,316
Ken Simpson, a Kentucky dog groomer

242
00:10:00,384 --> 00:10:04,296
who used a religious liberty law
to refuse service to a gay dog.

243
00:10:04,522 --> 00:10:06,566
And Rex, a gay dog.

244
00:10:07,625 --> 00:10:09,058
Welcome to the program.

245
00:10:09,126 --> 00:10:10,693
Now, I want to begin with a topic

246
00:10:10,761 --> 00:10:12,894
I think we can all agree on: racism.

247
00:10:12,939 --> 00:10:15,523
Racism doesn't exist.
We had a black president.

248
00:10:15,523 --> 00:10:16,889
We did? Who?

249
00:10:16,958 --> 00:10:18,391
- Well, I think...
- I feel like I speak

250
00:10:18,460 --> 00:10:20,626
for all African-American women when I say

251
00:10:20,695 --> 00:10:22,362
we need to sacrifice more goats.

252
00:10:22,430 --> 00:10:24,330
You don't speak for this
African-American woman.

253
00:10:24,399 --> 00:10:26,799
- But I think...
- Now, Rex, I have to imagine

254
00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:28,768
you have something to
say about animal sacrifice

255
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,715
as a homosexual dog

256
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:34,077
who also served in the military.

257
00:10:34,119 --> 00:10:35,685
What? Shocking.

258
00:10:35,754 --> 00:10:37,287
- All right, but what about...
- What about...

259
00:10:37,356 --> 00:10:38,922
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
- I'm a woman.

260
00:10:38,990 --> 00:10:40,290
Well, you're gonna have to prove that!

261
00:10:40,359 --> 00:10:42,125
I will! I'll show you!

262
00:10:42,194 --> 00:10:43,626
Well, good luck! I've never
seen a naked woman before!

263
00:10:43,695 --> 00:10:45,028
I don't even know what one looks like!

264
00:10:45,097 --> 00:10:46,196
You felt a little female to me.

265
00:10:46,264 --> 00:10:47,430
Is Chuck okay?

266
00:10:47,499 --> 00:10:49,032
He looks like he's gonna throw up.

267
00:10:49,101 --> 00:10:52,199
Who cares? This is great television.

268
00:10:52,308 --> 00:10:54,433
Come on, Chuck.

269
00:10:54,512 --> 00:10:56,412
Get in the game. Say something.

270
00:10:56,480 --> 00:10:59,753
Now. One, two, three, now!

271
00:11:00,551 --> 00:11:02,478
One, two... now! Say it! No!

272
00:11:03,132 --> 00:11:05,565
Just say something, you stupid bastard!

273
00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,533
Show me the facts on that!

274
00:11:08,593 --> 00:11:11,727
The show's over, Chuck. You did really bad.

275
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,955
Ms. St. Tropez, could I have
a few moments of your time?

276
00:11:20,011 --> 00:11:21,575
Of course, come in.

277
00:11:22,718 --> 00:11:24,217
Gerald, could we get a rush installation

278
00:11:24,286 --> 00:11:25,385
on that electrified doorknob?

279
00:11:25,454 --> 00:11:26,691
Hi, I'm Carol.

280
00:11:26,691 --> 00:11:28,691
I'm an intern here, and I was wondering

281
00:11:28,761 --> 00:11:30,661
if I could interview
you for our newsletter,

282
00:11:30,729 --> 00:11:34,582
specifically "Carol's Corner,"
my award-wanting column.

283
00:11:34,656 --> 00:11:37,457
Well, normally I would say
no, but I've been involved

284
00:11:37,526 --> 00:11:39,392
in enough age discrimination lawsuits

285
00:11:39,461 --> 00:11:40,961
to know entrapment when I see it.

286
00:11:41,029 --> 00:11:41,947
Oh.

287
00:11:42,598 --> 00:11:44,831
Why don't we begin? First question.

288
00:11:44,900 --> 00:11:48,502
In your book "Everything Your
Mother Told You Was a Lie,"

289
00:11:48,988 --> 00:11:51,519
you seem like a real B-word,

290
00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:54,498
so tell me, how dare you?

291
00:11:54,544 --> 00:11:55,876
Okay, I get it.

292
00:11:55,945 --> 00:11:57,534
You're a mom, and you don't like the book.

293
00:11:57,590 --> 00:11:59,824
But guess what. I'm a mom too.

294
00:11:59,858 --> 00:12:02,425
You are? Well, I didn't know that.

295
00:12:02,494 --> 00:12:03,860
Show me some pictures.

296
00:12:05,620 --> 00:12:09,341
Oh, they are so sweet. Which one is yours?

297
00:12:09,414 --> 00:12:10,480
All of them.

298
00:12:10,548 --> 00:12:11,681
Different donor fathers,

299
00:12:11,750 --> 00:12:13,015
all carried by surrogates

300
00:12:13,084 --> 00:12:14,680
and born on international flights

301
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:16,413
so that they're citizens of the sky.

302
00:12:16,847 --> 00:12:18,597
It's advantageous for tax reasons.

303
00:12:18,782 --> 00:12:21,084
That seems like a
nontraditional thing to do.

304
00:12:21,084 --> 00:12:23,318
Well, that's the point.
To answer your question,

305
00:12:23,387 --> 00:12:26,424
I wrote that book to show
women that they don't have to

306
00:12:26,449 --> 00:12:28,248
compromise the way that their mothers did.

307
00:12:28,317 --> 00:12:31,585
They don't have to get married
and have kids in their 30s

308
00:12:31,654 --> 00:12:34,621
or live next to Carol or have grandchildren

309
00:12:34,690 --> 00:12:38,006
who make cookies with Carol or love Carol!

310
00:12:38,294 --> 00:12:39,960
Interview over!

311
00:12:44,304 --> 00:12:45,678
Oh, hey, Diana.

312
00:12:47,803 --> 00:12:49,803
I wanted to thank you for that advice

313
00:12:49,872 --> 00:12:51,271
about freezing my eggs.

314
00:12:51,340 --> 00:12:53,167
I actually saw a fertility
doctor this morning.

315
00:12:53,344 --> 00:12:54,624
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

316
00:12:54,624 --> 00:12:57,015
Turns out it's pretty
expensive, but I found a guy

317
00:12:57,040 --> 00:12:59,407
who does a payment plan named Dr. Pizzazz.

318
00:12:59,485 --> 00:13:00,748
Is that who you used?

319
00:13:00,748 --> 00:13:02,704
No, my doctor was a uterine drone.

320
00:13:03,518 --> 00:13:05,751
So now that I've followed
your advice at great...

321
00:13:05,820 --> 00:13:07,520
No, I still can't take you on as a protégé.

322
00:13:07,588 --> 00:13:08,888
By the way, how long have you been waiting

323
00:13:08,957 --> 00:13:11,200
to run into me in the elevator?

324
00:13:11,626 --> 00:13:13,108
I haven't been.

325
00:13:15,579 --> 00:13:18,080
I'm sorry I'm late. I
would've been here sooner,

326
00:13:18,149 --> 00:13:19,836
but my time is more important than yours.

327
00:13:20,818 --> 00:13:22,943
I've got the ratings from last night.

328
00:13:23,921 --> 00:13:27,156
Congratulations, an all-time
high for "The Breakdown."

329
00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:29,458
- How? It was just yelling.
- Precisely.

330
00:13:29,527 --> 00:13:31,093
That is the mood of the nation.

331
00:13:31,162 --> 00:13:33,162
Well, I think I speak
for both of us when I say

332
00:13:33,230 --> 00:13:36,231
Portia and I are never
doing the panel again.

333
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:37,866
We're a package deal.

334
00:13:37,935 --> 00:13:39,668
We're a team, like Starsky and Hutch,

335
00:13:39,737 --> 00:13:42,080
but I'm both of them and the car.

336
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:43,783
She's all the girl characters.

337
00:13:43,852 --> 00:13:46,419
No, I'll do the panel again. It was fun.

338
00:13:46,488 --> 00:13:48,384
Dude, what the hell?

339
00:13:48,384 --> 00:13:50,317
Good. Well, maybe tonight, then,

340
00:13:50,386 --> 00:13:52,453
Portia will sit in the big red chair,

341
00:13:52,705 --> 00:13:56,073
and, Chuck, you can just sit this one out.

342
00:13:56,142 --> 00:13:57,343
What are these?

343
00:13:58,088 --> 00:14:01,610
Headshots of young anchormen
looking for their big break.

344
00:14:02,181 --> 00:14:03,728
Fine! I'll do it.

345
00:14:03,775 --> 00:14:06,075
Great. Chuck, the world has changed.

346
00:14:06,121 --> 00:14:08,855
The show is finally catching
up. It's a good thing.

347
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,708
No, I agree. It is good.

348
00:14:10,752 --> 00:14:12,794
Change is good.

349
00:14:12,854 --> 00:14:14,120
And you gotta change with the times,

350
00:14:14,188 --> 00:14:15,554
or you're just irrelevant.

351
00:14:15,623 --> 00:14:18,434
It's good that nobody reads books

352
00:14:18,473 --> 00:14:20,439
and old buildings are just knocked down

353
00:14:20,508 --> 00:14:21,829
and become new buildings.

354
00:14:21,867 --> 00:14:23,800
And it's good that the ice caps are melting

355
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,780
and all the fish are dying
because that's gonna make way

356
00:14:25,805 --> 00:14:28,832
for a new, better type of sea creature

357
00:14:28,861 --> 00:14:32,430
that probably has gills
but can walk on the ground,

358
00:14:32,498 --> 00:14:35,333
it's got feet, and it can come
and find me, and I'm not scared.

359
00:14:35,401 --> 00:14:37,602
I'm not scared! I'm happy!

360
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,742
Ha! That things change!

361
00:14:40,766 --> 00:14:43,606
Okay, great. Everyone have a good show.

362
00:14:45,304 --> 00:14:47,470
- Shut up!
- There was no 44th president!

363
00:14:47,539 --> 00:14:50,340
Remember? Everyone just
chilled for eight years.

364
00:14:50,409 --> 00:14:52,108
Okay, pause. Right there.

365
00:14:52,177 --> 00:14:54,311
So if that guy says
something like that today,

366
00:14:54,379 --> 00:14:56,179
instead of just sitting there, I'll say,

367
00:14:56,248 --> 00:14:58,481
"That is unsubstantiated nonsense!

368
00:14:58,550 --> 00:15:00,265
"Oh, and by the way...

369
00:15:01,019 --> 00:15:02,851
"Uh, nice yellow tie!

370
00:15:02,901 --> 00:15:04,667
Where's Curious George?"

371
00:15:06,201 --> 00:15:08,535
"Where's Curious George?" That's good.

372
00:15:09,307 --> 00:15:11,107
Hey, Chuck is losing it.

373
00:15:11,623 --> 00:15:14,249
I saw him trying to pre-write
lines for tonight's show.

374
00:15:14,397 --> 00:15:16,631
So? You know what Diana says in her book:

375
00:15:16,701 --> 00:15:18,943
"If he's male, let him fail."

376
00:15:18,968 --> 00:15:20,434
Usually when I see a white man struggling,

377
00:15:20,464 --> 00:15:21,930
it makes me feel hopeful,

378
00:15:22,054 --> 00:15:23,487
like that time I saw Mitch
McConnell eating a sub

379
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,838
and the meatball fell onto his crotch.

380
00:15:25,965 --> 00:15:27,593
So what's the problem?

381
00:15:27,632 --> 00:15:30,333
I think I'm feeling, like, sorry for Chuck.

382
00:15:30,571 --> 00:15:31,971
What's happening to me?

383
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,106
Maybe you're changing.

384
00:15:34,175 --> 00:15:36,075
Maybe you don't want to see Chuck struggle

385
00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,244
because you guys are friends now.

386
00:15:38,666 --> 00:15:40,565
I'm sorry.
I'm freezing my eggs,

387
00:15:40,634 --> 00:15:42,392
and I think the hormones
are making me crazy.

388
00:15:42,392 --> 00:15:43,925
I mean, Chuck and I are
closer than we used to be,

389
00:15:43,994 --> 00:15:45,393
but we are not friends.

390
00:15:45,462 --> 00:15:46,761
So what are you gonna do?

391
00:15:46,830 --> 00:15:48,202
I'm gonna let him fail.

392
00:15:48,202 --> 00:15:50,236
Ha-ha! Yeah, girl.

393
00:15:55,393 --> 00:15:57,016
Where have you been all morning?

394
00:15:57,016 --> 00:15:59,006
I called you, I called your landlord,

395
00:15:59,006 --> 00:16:02,107
and then I looked in your
purse, and I found my answer.

396
00:16:02,176 --> 00:16:03,331
Oh, no.

397
00:16:03,845 --> 00:16:07,246
You've been trippin'
on smack and goofballs!

398
00:16:07,315 --> 00:16:09,715
Those aren't drugs, Mom. They're hormones.

399
00:16:09,784 --> 00:16:11,393
I'm freezing my eggs.

400
00:16:11,919 --> 00:16:13,653
You're freezing my grandbabies?

401
00:16:13,721 --> 00:16:16,289
That's even worse! Did
Diana make you do this?

402
00:16:16,357 --> 00:16:19,458
She suggested it, but don't
you want me to have kids?

403
00:16:19,527 --> 00:16:21,227
Yeah, when I'm still alive to meet them,

404
00:16:21,296 --> 00:16:22,728
not when I'm dead and stuffed

405
00:16:22,797 --> 00:16:24,730
and sitting in the corner
of your living room!

406
00:16:24,799 --> 00:16:26,599
How about this? I'll
take life advice from you

407
00:16:26,668 --> 00:16:28,100
when you're the president

408
00:16:28,169 --> 00:16:30,202
of a multi-billion-dollar media empire.

409
00:16:30,271 --> 00:16:33,128
Fine, I'll just mind my own business.

410
00:16:34,759 --> 00:16:37,962
You stay away from my Katie!

411
00:16:38,153 --> 00:16:39,186
Yah!

412
00:16:40,426 --> 00:16:42,369
Have you tired yourself out yet?

413
00:16:45,836 --> 00:16:49,304
Oh, I just want Katie
to do things the right way.

414
00:16:49,372 --> 00:16:50,642
I want her to get married.

415
00:16:50,642 --> 00:16:52,434
I want her to have unfrozen kids.

416
00:16:52,484 --> 00:16:54,262
What do you mean, "the right way"?

417
00:16:54,457 --> 00:16:56,424
You don't want your
daughter freezing her eggs,

418
00:16:56,492 --> 00:16:57,892
but if she had a baby now,

419
00:16:57,961 --> 00:16:59,422
she'd have to take time off from her job.

420
00:16:59,422 --> 00:17:02,590
Fat chance! She's worked
so hard to be where she is.

421
00:17:02,658 --> 00:17:04,191
Well, I suppose if she got married,

422
00:17:04,260 --> 00:17:06,370
- her husband could stay home.
- Yeah, right.

423
00:17:06,410 --> 00:17:08,744
The only deadbeat living
off of Katie is me.

424
00:17:08,812 --> 00:17:10,345
Oh, so a nanny then.

425
00:17:10,414 --> 00:17:11,880
No, I don't want my grandchildren learning

426
00:17:11,949 --> 00:17:13,582
a foreign language; I'll raise them.

427
00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:16,315
But you also have a
job. Don't you work here?

428
00:17:16,364 --> 00:17:19,374
Well, yeah, but... Well, I could quit.

429
00:17:20,135 --> 00:17:22,068
- But what about my dreams?
- Be careful.

430
00:17:22,137 --> 00:17:24,403
I'm one of the only women in
the world who's figured out

431
00:17:24,472 --> 00:17:26,432
how to have it all without going insane.

432
00:17:26,433 --> 00:17:29,725
Maybe if childcare was...
But moms have so much guilt.

433
00:17:30,151 --> 00:17:31,607
Night nurse. Mommy blogs.

434
00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:34,565
If a man stayed home once in
a while and washed the dishes...

435
00:17:34,842 --> 00:17:38,380
Pump 'n' dump, pump 'n' dump!
Easy one-pot meals!

436
00:17:38,449 --> 00:17:39,949
How do we have it all?

437
00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:43,158
Wonder Woman was pregnant during reshoots!

438
00:17:46,457 --> 00:17:48,157
What's this supposed to prove?

439
00:17:48,225 --> 00:17:50,392
A picture of the ocean and a
pair of floating sunglasses?

440
00:17:50,461 --> 00:17:52,546
Hey, nice tie, Curious Ge...

441
00:17:52,797 --> 00:17:54,763
Green tie? Oh, shoot.

442
00:17:54,832 --> 00:17:56,966
I don't see color! I'm blind!

443
00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:58,767
I do see color, but I wish I didn't!

444
00:17:58,836 --> 00:18:00,502
They're all butt-ugly!

445
00:18:00,571 --> 00:18:02,905
That dog needs to go to
conversion obedience school!

446
00:18:02,974 --> 00:18:05,074
Uh, you know what? Why don't we transition

447
00:18:05,142 --> 00:18:07,202
to another hot topic this week:

448
00:18:07,577 --> 00:18:09,635
why change is bad.

449
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:11,347
Huh?

450
00:18:11,866 --> 00:18:13,878
Chuck, care to comment

451
00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:16,940
on why change is bad?

452
00:18:17,122 --> 00:18:18,834
Uh, yes.

453
00:18:18,877 --> 00:18:21,277
Yes, change is bad.

454
00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:24,456
Things were just fine the way they were!

455
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:26,024
Like the news!

456
00:18:26,093 --> 00:18:28,426
The news didn't make you feel angry.

457
00:18:28,495 --> 00:18:30,128
It made you feel safe.

458
00:18:30,197 --> 00:18:31,796
Yeah, depending on who you watched.

459
00:18:31,865 --> 00:18:33,598
- I was sad...
- Not all the anchors...

460
00:18:33,667 --> 00:18:36,968
And the only men with beards
were bums or Santa Clauses.

461
00:18:37,037 --> 00:18:39,604
Oh, and the ocean was so
full of fish, you could just

462
00:18:39,673 --> 00:18:41,506
reach in and grab one, like a bear!

463
00:18:41,837 --> 00:18:45,778
And the guys who were wearing
dresses were funny, not brave.

464
00:18:45,975 --> 00:18:47,789
Man, this is good TV!

465
00:18:47,842 --> 00:18:49,910
Gotta hand it to Diana.
She knows what she's doing.

466
00:18:49,979 --> 00:18:51,057
Yeah...

467
00:18:51,732 --> 00:18:54,948
And she knows not to waste
her time on someone like me.

468
00:18:55,684 --> 00:18:56,791
You okay?

469
00:18:58,020 --> 00:18:59,940
Sorry, I'm not great with emotions.

470
00:19:00,222 --> 00:19:02,656
Growing up, my governess
was an actual teapot.

471
00:19:02,725 --> 00:19:04,665
Diana was my hero.

472
00:19:04,994 --> 00:19:07,250
I just thought she
would see something in me

473
00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:08,989
and take me under her wing,

474
00:19:08,989 --> 00:19:11,237
but I guess there was just nothing to see.

475
00:19:11,558 --> 00:19:13,491
Well, then that's the
first mistake she's made.

476
00:19:13,725 --> 00:19:16,326
You know how good you
are. If she can't see that,

477
00:19:16,395 --> 00:19:17,688
then tell her to go to hell.

478
00:19:19,931 --> 00:19:21,203
I mean, not literally.

479
00:19:21,203 --> 00:19:23,444
She's our very, very powerful boss.

480
00:19:26,153 --> 00:19:27,333
Oh, dear.

481
00:19:28,044 --> 00:19:29,870
You know what, Diana?

482
00:19:29,870 --> 00:19:31,236
You can go to hell!

483
00:19:31,709 --> 00:19:33,735
- Mom?
- What's wrong, Katie?

484
00:19:33,735 --> 00:19:36,903
- Why are you crying?
- I always cry when you cry.

485
00:19:36,971 --> 00:19:38,904
That's why I never got you vaccinated.

486
00:19:38,973 --> 00:19:41,039
If you get chickenpox, you'll die.

487
00:19:41,108 --> 00:19:43,342
Oh, Mom. I'm really sorry that we fought.

488
00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:46,278
I know that you wanted me to
be married and have kids by now.

489
00:19:46,347 --> 00:19:49,047
I just wanted you to do
all the stuff that I did.

490
00:19:49,250 --> 00:19:51,183
But I also wanted you to have a career

491
00:19:51,252 --> 00:19:53,518
and do all the things
that I didn't get to do.

492
00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:57,048
But now I get it. Being a modern woman,

493
00:19:57,573 --> 00:19:59,573
it's an impossible situation.

494
00:19:59,642 --> 00:20:00,774
I know, right?

495
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:01,870
You know what, Katie?

496
00:20:02,267 --> 00:20:04,034
I've decided that I'm going to take you

497
00:20:04,101 --> 00:20:06,201
- under my wing after all.
- Really?

498
00:20:06,569 --> 00:20:08,502
Because I was so persistent and plucky?

499
00:20:08,571 --> 00:20:10,905
No, because if you can endure being raised

500
00:20:10,974 --> 00:20:12,807
by a sexist, old-fashioned lunatic...

501
00:20:12,875 --> 00:20:14,036
None taken.

502
00:20:14,036 --> 00:20:16,904
And still manage to be a driven,
semi-adult woman,

503
00:20:16,973 --> 00:20:18,573
that means you have great potential.

504
00:20:18,642 --> 00:20:19,974
Plus, I love a challenge.

505
00:20:20,043 --> 00:20:21,674
I run marathons with a full bladder.

506
00:20:22,745 --> 00:20:24,427
You're gonna be my full bladder.

507
00:20:32,497 --> 00:20:34,841
Did you know that women
get paid less than men?

508
00:20:34,841 --> 00:20:38,044
How is that fair? Ah. Periods.

509
00:20:38,699 --> 00:20:40,919
- Keep reading, Mom.
- Oh, Katie...

510
00:20:41,230 --> 00:20:42,930
I don't know how you're gonna do it all.

511
00:20:43,658 --> 00:20:45,863
I just hope you don't
miss out on having kids.

512
00:20:46,172 --> 00:20:48,511
You were the best thing
that ever happened to me.

513
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:51,093
Thanks, Mom.

514
00:20:51,093 --> 00:20:53,093
And just 'cause I'm focusing on my career

515
00:20:53,118 --> 00:20:55,118
doesn't mean that I've
given up on having a family.

516
00:20:55,142 --> 00:20:57,532
Ah, it's fine if you
take men off the table.

517
00:20:57,559 --> 00:20:59,165
I haven't taken men off the table.

518
00:20:59,189 --> 00:21:01,189
Well, men have taken you off the table.

519
00:21:01,213 --> 00:21:02,429
It's the same thing.

520
00:21:02,455 --> 00:21:04,455
Mom, men are interested in me.

521
00:21:04,479 --> 00:21:06,354
Really? Like who? Daddy doesn't count.

522
00:21:06,409 --> 00:21:08,409
- Like plenty of people.
- Name one.

523
00:21:08,432 --> 00:21:10,775
Greg. He tried to kiss
me last week. Oh, no.

524
00:21:12,198 --> 00:21:14,354
Father Kevin, I want to book a wedding for

525
00:21:14,379 --> 00:21:16,471
May 27, 2019.

526
00:21:16,496 --> 00:21:17,415
That's right.

527
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:19,612
It's a Saturday! I already checked!

528
00:21:20,132 --> 00:21:23,080
Yes, it's Greg. You called it!

529
00:21:23,685 --> 00:21:26,098
Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com