1 00:00:01,196 --> 00:00:03,035 Hey, Aidan, didn't see you 2 00:00:03,047 --> 00:00:04,871 at the intern softball game this weekend. 3 00:00:04,930 --> 00:00:07,823 I got a home run. But don't ask anybody about it, 4 00:00:07,825 --> 00:00:09,825 because they'll lie and say I sat on a ball and had to 5 00:00:09,894 --> 00:00:12,081 - go to the hospital. - I didn't go because 6 00:00:12,093 --> 00:00:13,615 I'm actually not an intern anymore. 7 00:00:13,633 --> 00:00:17,279 - Oh, they let you go? Gosh, it's the nature 8 00:00:17,303 --> 00:00:19,236 of the biz, I guess. One day you're up, 9 00:00:19,261 --> 00:00:21,294 and the next you're sitting on a blow-up pillow because 10 00:00:21,298 --> 00:00:23,732 your perineum's dented like a can at the supermarket. 11 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,234 No, I got promoted. I'm a PA now. 12 00:00:26,303 --> 00:00:28,169 Oh, really? 13 00:00:28,238 --> 00:00:31,273 Congratulations on all your success. 14 00:00:34,511 --> 00:00:37,879 Okay, get this: that fink Aidan got promoted. 15 00:00:37,948 --> 00:00:39,915 - Wait, who? - Aidan, the intern from 16 00:00:39,983 --> 00:00:42,350 downstairs who started after me. 17 00:00:42,419 --> 00:00:44,519 Ugh, what is this feeling I have? 18 00:00:44,588 --> 00:00:47,122 I'm sad, I'm angry, I want to... 19 00:00:47,190 --> 00:00:48,890 Destroy him. 20 00:00:48,959 --> 00:00:50,258 It's okay, you're experiencing 21 00:00:50,327 --> 00:00:52,861 professional jealousy, like how I used to get so mad 22 00:00:52,930 --> 00:00:54,896 about Cheryl from my college because she thinks 23 00:00:54,965 --> 00:00:58,934 she's so great because she wrote one book about college. 24 00:01:01,138 --> 00:01:03,004 I wanna move up in this business. 25 00:01:03,073 --> 00:01:05,073 Why does Aidan get to skip the line? 26 00:01:05,142 --> 00:01:07,208 Why, because he asked for extra assignments? 27 00:01:07,277 --> 00:01:10,011 Because he doesn't take a nap every day in the tape room? 28 00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,846 I'm gonna take a nap in the tape room. 29 00:01:11,915 --> 00:01:14,082 No, Mom, he's not skipping the line, 30 00:01:14,151 --> 00:01:15,817 he's hustling, like me. Why do you think 31 00:01:15,886 --> 00:01:18,053 - I didn't go home last night? - Because you live 32 00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:20,689 in a 16th floor walk-up in the Werewolf District? 33 00:01:20,757 --> 00:01:24,659 No, because I was working on the story of a lifetime. 34 00:01:24,728 --> 00:01:26,861 Guess how many celebrities got hacked this month. 35 00:01:26,930 --> 00:01:29,597 - 83? - 29, why did you guess 36 00:01:29,666 --> 00:01:30,899 such a high number? 37 00:01:30,968 --> 00:01:33,401 Anyway, I did some digging. 38 00:01:33,470 --> 00:01:36,671 It's 1:00 a.m., I'm staring at Kate Upton's natural larges, 39 00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:39,808 - and you know what I realize? - Okay, okay, I saw this coming. 40 00:01:39,876 --> 00:01:42,711 I love you no matter what, just promise me that you will 41 00:01:42,779 --> 00:01:44,779 wear the dress at the wedding and she'll wear the tux 42 00:01:44,848 --> 00:01:47,582 - with the sneakers. - No, Mom, that the hacks 43 00:01:47,651 --> 00:01:49,718 could be connected to something bigger. 44 00:01:49,786 --> 00:01:51,987 I found these message boards that the hackers use 45 00:01:52,055 --> 00:01:54,022 to talk to each other, and I found a source 46 00:01:54,091 --> 00:01:56,157 who is willing to talk, and that's not an assignment, 47 00:01:56,226 --> 00:01:59,594 - Mom, that is me, hustling. - Okay, I get it. 48 00:01:59,663 --> 00:02:02,130 Well, maybe I could be a hustler like you. 49 00:02:05,235 --> 00:02:06,267 Mom, be serious. 50 00:02:10,874 --> 00:02:12,440 No, I'm just kidding. 51 00:02:12,509 --> 00:02:14,536 I understood this conversation. 52 00:02:17,781 --> 00:02:21,249 Sync & corrections by dwigt Addic7ed.com 53 00:02:21,318 --> 00:02:23,151 Sorry I'm late, everyone. I just came from 54 00:02:23,220 --> 00:02:25,920 a three-hour management seminar entitled 55 00:02:25,989 --> 00:02:28,923 "How to Keep Your Morning Meetings Focused and On Task." 56 00:02:28,992 --> 00:02:31,126 So I have something I wanna say. 57 00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,194 As you know, I love being an intern, 58 00:02:33,263 --> 00:02:35,096 but I don't want to be an intern forever. 59 00:02:35,165 --> 00:02:37,999 As Jay-Z once said, "I'm a hustler, baby. 60 00:02:38,068 --> 00:02:41,102 Noodles ask about me." He doesn't really say "noodles" 61 00:02:41,171 --> 00:02:43,071 - in the song. He says... - Okay, Mom, maybe if you would 62 00:02:43,140 --> 00:02:44,906 just get to the point? - I want to pitch a story 63 00:02:44,975 --> 00:02:47,842 - for tonight's show. - Carol, I admire your pluck, 64 00:02:47,911 --> 00:02:49,844 but let's leave the pitching to the professionals. 65 00:02:49,913 --> 00:02:52,013 - Gene, what have you got? - How about an investigative 66 00:02:52,082 --> 00:02:54,482 piece where we follow the cantor from my synagogue 67 00:02:54,551 --> 00:02:58,319 - who's always texting my wife? - Okay, Carol, what do you have? 68 00:02:58,388 --> 00:03:01,389 Oh, so the story is Biscuit Blitz. 69 00:03:01,458 --> 00:03:03,858 It's a phone game that all of my friends and I play, 70 00:03:03,927 --> 00:03:05,660 and the scoop is, it's fun! 71 00:03:07,164 --> 00:03:09,264 Congratulations, Carol. Took a lot of guts 72 00:03:09,332 --> 00:03:11,733 to say something that stupid in front of a room full of people. 73 00:03:11,802 --> 00:03:14,369 - You should be proud. - Well, I don't think 74 00:03:14,438 --> 00:03:16,671 it's stupid. Biscuit Blitz is everywhere 75 00:03:16,740 --> 00:03:19,674 - right now, actually... - Oh, it's everywhere, huh? 76 00:03:19,743 --> 00:03:22,510 That's funny, I don't remember hearing about it this morning 77 00:03:22,579 --> 00:03:25,180 - from my shoeshine man. - Well, I think 78 00:03:25,248 --> 00:03:27,982 - we should do the story. - Fine, Katie, you can 79 00:03:28,051 --> 00:03:31,386 produce Portia's-- and I guess Carol's-- Biscuit Blitz piece. 80 00:03:31,455 --> 00:03:33,855 I actually have a hacking 81 00:03:33,924 --> 00:03:36,524 - story that I would really-- - Look, Portia, I understand 82 00:03:36,593 --> 00:03:39,994 why you think some little game is newsworthy, 83 00:03:40,063 --> 00:03:44,466 since your last job was at E! co-hosting "Fashion 911"-- 84 00:03:44,534 --> 00:03:46,434 Um, it was "Fashion 9-11," 85 00:03:46,503 --> 00:03:48,203 and it was immediately canceled. 86 00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:51,606 But journalists can't just report on what they like. 87 00:03:51,675 --> 00:03:54,075 What, should I interview my bird on the show? 88 00:03:54,144 --> 00:03:55,877 Wait, should I interview my bird on the show? 89 00:03:55,946 --> 00:03:59,614 Can you stop mansplaining my job to me and interrupting me 90 00:03:59,683 --> 00:04:03,151 - every single time I... - Shh, honey, honey, 91 00:04:03,220 --> 00:04:05,453 honey, honey, honey, 92 00:04:05,522 --> 00:04:08,957 you have to listen to someone who knows better. 93 00:04:09,025 --> 00:04:11,793 Well, I'm just happy that my story's on the show tonight. 94 00:04:11,862 --> 00:04:15,230 Great meeting, gang. Let's get to work. 95 00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:17,332 We haven't done anything yet, Carol! 96 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,634 We just watched two people fight! 97 00:04:21,338 --> 00:04:24,405 Greg? Greg, I don't wanna do that Biscuit Blitz piece, 98 00:04:24,474 --> 00:04:26,274 but it's for a really good reason. 99 00:04:26,343 --> 00:04:28,576 I think I'm about to crack the biggest story of my career. 100 00:04:28,645 --> 00:04:30,311 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 101 00:04:30,380 --> 00:04:32,180 - Okay, let's hear it. - Yeah, you better roll up 102 00:04:32,249 --> 00:04:34,516 those sleeves 'cause this is some "Spotlight" shizz. 103 00:04:34,584 --> 00:04:37,452 Okay, so I think the recent celebrity hacks are part 104 00:04:37,521 --> 00:04:40,155 of a bigger story, and I found a source who I'm hoping 105 00:04:40,223 --> 00:04:41,789 will be willing to spill the electronic beans, 106 00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:44,192 or, as the hackers might call them, e-beans. 107 00:04:44,261 --> 00:04:46,161 - And who is this source? - I can't tell you, 108 00:04:46,229 --> 00:04:48,463 or know that, but his handle is Doctor Skullcrusher, 109 00:04:48,532 --> 00:04:51,266 except the Ls are 1s. Isn't that so computer-y? 110 00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,067 Wait, wait, wait, put the sleeves back up. 111 00:04:53,136 --> 00:04:55,136 So what you're saying is, you have nothing. 112 00:04:55,205 --> 00:04:56,838 Well, Greg, you're not giving me a ch-- 113 00:04:56,907 --> 00:04:58,540 Look, I get it. We all dream about bagging 114 00:04:58,608 --> 00:05:01,843 the big story, but our job isn't tracking down clues 115 00:05:01,912 --> 00:05:03,444 or meeting mysterious sources. 116 00:05:03,513 --> 00:05:05,113 It's saying stuff on TV 117 00:05:05,182 --> 00:05:06,881 that people already read on the Internet. 118 00:05:06,950 --> 00:05:08,716 Okay, but, Greg, aren't you afraid 119 00:05:08,785 --> 00:05:10,885 that you're gonna miss out? This could be huge. 120 00:05:10,954 --> 00:05:12,820 No, I'm scared that you're gonna chase 121 00:05:12,889 --> 00:05:16,124 an anonymous source and wind up making a fool out of yourself. 122 00:05:16,193 --> 00:05:19,294 Wait, why would I make a fool out of myself? 123 00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:21,996 Do you not trust my instincts? 124 00:05:22,065 --> 00:05:23,765 I mean, come on, you remember what happened 125 00:05:23,833 --> 00:05:26,167 when you tried to break a story on the fashion industry? 126 00:05:26,236 --> 00:05:29,571 My source turned out to be an ad bot for Ann Taylor Loft, 127 00:05:29,639 --> 00:05:31,606 and I fell in love with him, but that wasn't my fault, 128 00:05:31,675 --> 00:05:33,575 - he kept calling me. - Exactly. 129 00:05:33,643 --> 00:05:36,044 - Do not waste your time on this. - But, Greg, I-- 130 00:05:36,112 --> 00:05:39,047 I said no. 131 00:05:39,115 --> 00:05:40,815 Howard, hey, it's really not a good time. 132 00:05:40,884 --> 00:05:42,684 Hello, Katie Wendelman. 133 00:05:42,752 --> 00:05:44,452 Spring into spring with savings 134 00:05:44,521 --> 00:05:47,822 at Ann Taylor Loft. 135 00:05:51,165 --> 00:05:53,098 This is so exciting. We're producing 136 00:05:53,117 --> 00:05:55,400 - a piece together. - Sure, Mom, and which part of 137 00:05:55,402 --> 00:05:57,836 - the work are you doing, again? - I'm gonna be giving the speech 138 00:05:57,905 --> 00:06:00,157 when we win the Daytime Emmy. I have a lot of people 139 00:06:00,206 --> 00:06:02,441 - I need to tell off. - Okay, here's the script 140 00:06:02,443 --> 00:06:03,624 for the Biscuit Blitz piece. 141 00:06:03,635 --> 00:06:05,502 I picked the font that Katie didn't use. 142 00:06:05,513 --> 00:06:07,279 "I can meet to talk 143 00:06:07,348 --> 00:06:09,381 "between 4:00 and 4:30. It's now or never." 144 00:06:09,450 --> 00:06:11,350 Who are you texting? Are you still dating 145 00:06:11,419 --> 00:06:14,219 - that undertaker? - No, Portia, I said wish 146 00:06:14,288 --> 00:06:17,222 I was dating The Undertaker, from wrestling. 147 00:06:17,291 --> 00:06:19,291 No, I have a source, and he wants to talk. 148 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:21,093 Oh, are you gonna meet him? 149 00:06:21,162 --> 00:06:23,562 Greg won't let me. He says I have bad instincts. 150 00:06:23,631 --> 00:06:26,065 Oh, he won't let you? 151 00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:29,401 Katie, it's sometime between 2010 and 2020. 152 00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,270 Women need to stop listening to guys 153 00:06:31,339 --> 00:06:34,039 like Chuck and Greg and start listening to their gut. 154 00:06:34,108 --> 00:06:37,042 - My gut says he's wrong. - My gut says I'm hungry, 155 00:06:37,044 --> 00:06:39,044 but my hips say, "Shut up!" 156 00:06:39,113 --> 00:06:40,846 You need to speak to your source, 157 00:06:40,915 --> 00:06:42,815 and I need to stand up to Chuck. 158 00:06:42,883 --> 00:06:45,017 But I can't leave now. I'll miss the show. 159 00:06:45,086 --> 00:06:46,985 Well, the piece is basically done, and if Greg asks, 160 00:06:47,054 --> 00:06:48,954 I'll just say that you flushed your leg down the toilet again. 161 00:06:49,023 --> 00:06:50,422 Okay, thanks, Portia. 162 00:06:50,491 --> 00:06:51,860 Okay... 163 00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:54,961 Ooh, I see a typo. 164 00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:57,240 Oh, good catch. Why don't you just fix 165 00:06:57,245 --> 00:06:59,612 whatever needs fixing? And then we'll be good to go. 166 00:06:59,635 --> 00:07:02,903 - You mean produce the piece? - Yeah, who cares? 167 00:07:12,246 --> 00:07:14,013 Oh, I'm sorry, Chuck. I didn't mean to take up 168 00:07:14,081 --> 00:07:16,015 - more space than a woman should. - Oh, well, thank you 169 00:07:16,083 --> 00:07:18,550 for apologizing, Portia. That's very thoughtful of you. 170 00:07:18,619 --> 00:07:20,552 No, Chuck, I'm manspreading 171 00:07:20,621 --> 00:07:22,621 to make a point about your mansplaining. 172 00:07:22,690 --> 00:07:24,189 You're not making any sense. 173 00:07:24,258 --> 00:07:26,725 Are you on drugs? Did you smoke one of those 174 00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:28,727 electric marijuana kazoos? 175 00:07:28,796 --> 00:07:30,596 She scratched me! 176 00:07:30,665 --> 00:07:32,464 Just, in light of what happened this morning, 177 00:07:32,533 --> 00:07:34,500 I would love it if this rehearsal didn't devolve 178 00:07:34,568 --> 00:07:35,701 into a petty fight, please. 179 00:07:35,770 --> 00:07:37,469 He needs to apologize 180 00:07:37,538 --> 00:07:39,371 for talking down to me in front of everyone. 181 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,640 I was trying to save you from doing a stupid story. 182 00:07:41,709 --> 00:07:43,575 It was an act of chivalry. 183 00:07:43,644 --> 00:07:46,412 It's like when you lend a woman your coat because she's cold 184 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,747 or you go watch the game when she's having a baby. 185 00:07:48,816 --> 00:07:51,250 Just because you don't know what Biscuit Blitz is 186 00:07:51,319 --> 00:07:52,851 doesn't mean it isn't news. 187 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,354 It's the most downloaded app for 18 to 35-year-olds 188 00:07:55,423 --> 00:07:58,123 with 100 million users and annual profits exceeding 189 00:07:58,192 --> 00:08:00,759 the GDP of the Maldives, but you wouldn't know that 190 00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:03,295 because your demographic is mummies, 191 00:08:03,364 --> 00:08:06,598 who rose from the dead and found a suit. 192 00:08:06,667 --> 00:08:09,702 Uh... Excuse me. 193 00:08:09,770 --> 00:08:11,603 I have to get this. It's my doctor. 194 00:08:11,895 --> 00:08:14,506 Hello? Oh, so I have tested 195 00:08:14,575 --> 00:08:16,542 positive for diarrhea then. 196 00:08:16,610 --> 00:08:18,544 I have to leave the room? 197 00:08:18,612 --> 00:08:21,213 Oh, no, I'm in a conversation that I love 198 00:08:21,282 --> 00:08:23,716 and I know what I'm gonna say next in. 199 00:08:23,784 --> 00:08:27,086 Oh, well, you're the doctor. Bye. 200 00:08:27,154 --> 00:08:29,088 I don't know if you heard any of that, Portia, but I-- 201 00:08:29,156 --> 00:08:30,456 - Get out. 202 00:08:42,636 --> 00:08:44,403 Oh, God, I hope he's not a murderer. 203 00:08:44,472 --> 00:08:47,940 I really don't want my age in the newspaper. 204 00:08:48,008 --> 00:08:50,909 Oh, hi, is your father, the source, home? 205 00:08:50,978 --> 00:08:54,113 No, baby, it's me. I'm Doctor Skullcrusher. 206 00:08:54,181 --> 00:08:57,416 Oh, my God, but you're-- you're a kid. 207 00:08:57,485 --> 00:08:59,418 The Ls were 1s because you're-- 208 00:08:59,487 --> 00:09:01,353 11, playa. 209 00:09:01,422 --> 00:09:03,856 Here's how it's gonna go down: I got info that you want, 210 00:09:03,924 --> 00:09:05,324 but I'm gonna need three things. 211 00:09:05,393 --> 00:09:06,859 One, you take me to see 212 00:09:06,927 --> 00:09:08,227 the new "Beauty and the Beast." 213 00:09:08,295 --> 00:09:10,129 Emma Watson has natural larges. 214 00:09:10,197 --> 00:09:12,131 - Uh. - Two, you write a five-page 215 00:09:12,199 --> 00:09:15,067 report on the Dust Bowl for Miss Regina's class. 216 00:09:15,136 --> 00:09:18,237 Three, we touch tongues, and you post it on your Instagram. 217 00:09:18,305 --> 00:09:21,073 Okay, I'm obviously not gonna do any of that stuff 218 00:09:21,142 --> 00:09:23,876 because you are a tiny liar, and I already saw 219 00:09:23,944 --> 00:09:25,711 - "Beauty and the Beast." - How was it? 220 00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:27,646 It was pretty scary. 221 00:09:27,715 --> 00:09:29,648 Excuse me, who are you? 222 00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:32,651 Why are you talking to my son? - Hi, yeah, I can explain. 223 00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:34,953 I met your son in an online chat room. 224 00:09:35,022 --> 00:09:36,622 Okay, I'm gonna run. 225 00:09:40,966 --> 00:09:43,934 - Carol, get in here. - Oh, sorry, Chuck. 226 00:09:44,286 --> 00:09:46,753 Oh, I've been busy producing a news piece. 227 00:09:47,164 --> 00:09:49,865 Unrelated, do you know how to produce a news piece? 228 00:09:49,875 --> 00:09:52,575 Look, I need you to fill me in on Biscuit Blitz. 229 00:09:52,644 --> 00:09:55,678 Really? This morning, you said Biscuit Blitz was stupid. 230 00:09:55,747 --> 00:09:58,314 Well, I'm a newsman. I have natural curiosity. 231 00:09:58,383 --> 00:10:00,717 Also an extreme desire to make Portia eat her words 232 00:10:00,786 --> 00:10:02,685 like a big, fat peanut butter sandwich. 233 00:10:02,754 --> 00:10:04,354 There's nothing much to know, Chuck. 234 00:10:04,423 --> 00:10:06,556 All you do is download it and play. 235 00:10:06,625 --> 00:10:09,492 Uh, well, why don't you download it for me? 236 00:10:09,561 --> 00:10:11,361 My assistant used to be the tech-savvy one, 237 00:10:11,430 --> 00:10:14,297 but she turned 90 and died of natural causes. 238 00:10:14,366 --> 00:10:17,434 Hold on. You don't have one app? 239 00:10:17,502 --> 00:10:19,436 Not even "calkalator"? 240 00:10:19,504 --> 00:10:21,171 No, when I first opened the map, 241 00:10:21,239 --> 00:10:24,007 a little blue dot followed me everywhere I went. 242 00:10:24,075 --> 00:10:25,975 I said, "Enough, I'm not gonna be terrorized." 243 00:10:26,044 --> 00:10:27,710 I said, "Take off everything 244 00:10:27,779 --> 00:10:29,112 except for the little green phone." 245 00:10:29,181 --> 00:10:31,080 There you go, this is Biscuit Blitz. 246 00:10:31,149 --> 00:10:34,083 This is what everyone's talking about? 247 00:10:35,854 --> 00:10:39,622 All you do is line up the little pretend biscuits, 248 00:10:39,691 --> 00:10:42,525 - and then--oh, they explode. - Mmm, good! 249 00:10:42,594 --> 00:10:45,094 It talks. Hey, how are ya? 250 00:10:45,163 --> 00:10:48,998 I'm Chuck, and I... love you. 251 00:10:49,067 --> 00:10:50,500 Just do that one, right there. 252 00:10:50,569 --> 00:10:52,068 Leave us, Carol! 253 00:10:54,539 --> 00:10:57,416 A spokesman for the FEC announced that there will be 254 00:10:57,460 --> 00:11:01,344 a special election to fill all 37 vacant Senate seats. 255 00:11:01,413 --> 00:11:04,447 A gruesome reminder to always make sure someone 256 00:11:04,516 --> 00:11:06,416 is driving your party bus. 257 00:11:06,485 --> 00:11:08,318 That's our show. Good night. 258 00:11:10,522 --> 00:11:12,722 Hey, there you are. Great work on 259 00:11:12,791 --> 00:11:15,022 that Biscuit Blitz piece. I think that's one of the 260 00:11:15,088 --> 00:11:17,093 - best segments we've ever done. - It was? 261 00:11:17,162 --> 00:11:18,528 - Huh? - Oh, yeah. 262 00:11:18,597 --> 00:11:20,263 And I was thinking, someone who's capable 263 00:11:20,332 --> 00:11:22,065 of producing such high quality content 264 00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:23,600 surely deserves a promotion. 265 00:11:23,668 --> 00:11:26,002 - A promotion, like Aidan? - Oh, definitely. 266 00:11:26,071 --> 00:11:28,137 Above all the Aidans. But, Katie, 267 00:11:28,206 --> 00:11:30,607 you produced it, right? You should get all the glory. 268 00:11:30,675 --> 00:11:32,909 Maybe you should be given the employee of the month hat. 269 00:11:32,978 --> 00:11:34,811 No, it was me! I produced the segment! 270 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:36,279 I deserve the hat! 271 00:11:36,348 --> 00:11:38,381 Of course it was you, Carol. It was terrible. 272 00:11:38,450 --> 00:11:41,084 It was the worst segment we've ever done. 273 00:11:41,152 --> 00:11:44,354 - Is there a hat for that? - Carol, news stories usually 274 00:11:44,422 --> 00:11:47,724 answer the questions who, what, and why. 275 00:11:47,792 --> 00:11:50,593 Yours did, in a way. Who is this woman? 276 00:11:50,662 --> 00:11:53,630 What is she doing? Why is she ruining my life? 277 00:11:55,667 --> 00:11:58,768 So was it worth it? Did your source crack open 278 00:11:58,837 --> 00:12:01,104 the story of a lifetime? 'Cause I have a slight suspicion 279 00:12:01,172 --> 00:12:03,072 he did not, and you're starting to feel 280 00:12:03,141 --> 00:12:05,074 a bit like an idiot right now. - Well, you're wrong. 281 00:12:05,143 --> 00:12:08,378 - He did, and I don't. - You're lying. 282 00:12:08,446 --> 00:12:10,446 Like that time I asked if you'd ever tried sushi. 283 00:12:10,515 --> 00:12:13,783 I have, it was... wet and smoky? 284 00:12:13,852 --> 00:12:15,652 My source was legit, okay? 285 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,588 And he confirmed that I am big-time right. 286 00:12:18,657 --> 00:12:22,325 Well, we can't just sit on a story like that, can we? 287 00:12:22,394 --> 00:12:24,260 - Mm-mm. - Let's lead with it tomorrow. 288 00:12:24,329 --> 00:12:26,429 - Great. - Great, and when it airs, 289 00:12:26,498 --> 00:12:27,797 I'll buy you a celebratory dinner, 290 00:12:27,866 --> 00:12:29,432 just remind me, what are your favorite 291 00:12:29,501 --> 00:12:33,169 - sushi rolls again? - Sweet tuna, super crab, 292 00:12:33,238 --> 00:12:35,738 dragon carnival, Colorado rolls, 293 00:12:35,807 --> 00:12:37,273 and, my personal favorite, 294 00:12:37,342 --> 00:12:39,475 a big ol' bowl of snake eggs. 295 00:12:44,082 --> 00:12:47,283 Mom, you're on my sad couch. Scooch over. 296 00:12:47,352 --> 00:12:49,886 I'm sorry I made a mess of your piece. 297 00:12:49,955 --> 00:12:52,188 I guess I hustled too close to the sun. 298 00:12:52,257 --> 00:12:55,491 Yeah, so did I. Now I have 24 hours 299 00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,860 to just create a story out of thin air 300 00:12:57,929 --> 00:12:59,028 or admit that Greg was right 301 00:12:59,097 --> 00:13:00,430 and that I have terrible instincts. 302 00:13:00,498 --> 00:13:02,465 Don't you listen to him. You know who 303 00:13:02,534 --> 00:13:04,200 had terrible instincts? Your great-aunt. 304 00:13:04,269 --> 00:13:06,269 She married two different serial killers. 305 00:13:06,338 --> 00:13:09,205 But, Mom, why would Greg say it if it wasn't true? 306 00:13:09,274 --> 00:13:11,674 You know, insults are just a sign of insecurity. 307 00:13:11,743 --> 00:13:13,076 You remember your high school bully. 308 00:13:13,144 --> 00:13:15,244 She used to say, "Katie's a bad basketball 309 00:13:15,313 --> 00:13:17,981 player," when she was the one in the wheelchair. 310 00:13:18,049 --> 00:13:21,117 Mom, you're right. Why is Greg being so hard on me? 311 00:13:21,186 --> 00:13:24,420 He called me an idiot and said I'd make a fool of myself. 312 00:13:24,489 --> 00:13:27,523 Do you think he's covering up some weird insecurity? 313 00:13:27,592 --> 00:13:29,859 Maybe that's a story. Who? Greg. 314 00:13:29,928 --> 00:13:32,528 What? Being weird. Why? Who knows? 315 00:13:32,597 --> 00:13:34,564 - Me. No, I don't. - I'm gonna do some more 316 00:13:34,633 --> 00:13:36,966 reporter-ing and find out, 'cause, thanks to you, Mom, 317 00:13:37,035 --> 00:13:38,901 - I have another hunch. - Now that I've helped you, 318 00:13:38,970 --> 00:13:41,371 - I can finally take a nap. - Mom! 319 00:13:41,439 --> 00:13:42,939 I knew you were gonna say it like that. 320 00:13:43,008 --> 00:13:47,443 Okay, fine, I'll keep hustling. I'll keep hustling. 321 00:13:52,584 --> 00:13:55,151 Good morning, Greg. I think I've finally 322 00:13:55,220 --> 00:13:57,186 cracked the story, and I've got all the evidence 323 00:13:57,255 --> 00:14:00,423 - I need right here. - That is a tiny penguin. 324 00:14:00,842 --> 00:14:02,708 It's-- oh. 325 00:14:03,678 --> 00:14:05,077 Well, if you're sure 326 00:14:05,146 --> 00:14:06,579 about this, we should do it properly. 327 00:14:06,647 --> 00:14:09,415 - Mm-hmm. - Right, come on in, everyone. 328 00:14:09,484 --> 00:14:11,990 Katie has the story of a lifetime. 329 00:14:12,357 --> 00:14:13,756 Are you sure you wanna do this? 330 00:14:13,888 --> 00:14:15,621 Are you sure you wanna do this? 331 00:14:15,690 --> 00:14:17,723 This should be very interesting. 332 00:14:17,792 --> 00:14:20,159 Especially since I tricked Carol 333 00:14:20,228 --> 00:14:22,628 into telling me your source was a 12-year-old boy. 334 00:14:22,697 --> 00:14:25,631 He was 11, and that's not the story I'm talking about. 335 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:28,968 I haven't cracked my phone hacking story yet, 336 00:14:29,037 --> 00:14:31,137 but what I did crack is the story of why 337 00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:33,372 you're being such a turd to me. 338 00:14:36,303 --> 00:14:38,537 I thought more of us were going to murmur. 339 00:14:38,694 --> 00:14:41,147 Katie, I'm not sure what it is you think you found. 340 00:14:41,215 --> 00:14:42,948 You don't think I'm an amazing reporter, 341 00:14:43,017 --> 00:14:45,084 but check this, Jack-- cool phrase. 342 00:14:45,153 --> 00:14:46,519 You started acting weird 343 00:14:46,587 --> 00:14:48,487 when I wanted to meet with an anonymous source, 344 00:14:48,556 --> 00:14:51,157 and here's why, Jack. You once had your own 345 00:14:51,225 --> 00:14:53,159 anonymous source, and this happened. 346 00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:54,827 Instincts Attack! 347 00:14:56,064 --> 00:14:58,030 Oh, no. 348 00:14:58,099 --> 00:15:00,099 Tonight on this live special, 349 00:15:00,168 --> 00:15:02,902 we'll be making the world's first human contact 350 00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,970 with the Loch Ness Monster. 351 00:15:05,039 --> 00:15:08,007 - Wait...what? - I got what seemed like 352 00:15:08,076 --> 00:15:12,281 a credible tip from an Internet renowned monster scientist. 353 00:15:12,644 --> 00:15:14,644 Let's just fast-forward, shall we? 354 00:15:14,755 --> 00:15:16,455 Three hours later. 355 00:15:16,818 --> 00:15:18,551 Well, that was 356 00:15:18,619 --> 00:15:21,020 a load of crap. All we found was a boot. 357 00:15:21,089 --> 00:15:25,458 Whose bloody, stupid idea was this then, eh? Eh? 358 00:15:25,526 --> 00:15:28,679 - Any of you? - Did I do that? 359 00:15:28,961 --> 00:15:31,082 In my defense, we had just gotten "Family Matters" 360 00:15:31,152 --> 00:15:34,053 in the UK, so that was actually a very cool thing to say. 361 00:15:34,268 --> 00:15:35,935 I didn't make a fool of myself. 362 00:15:36,023 --> 00:15:38,765 You made a fool of yourself. I didn't have bad instincts. 363 00:15:38,923 --> 00:15:41,457 - You had bad instincts. - Excuse me. 364 00:15:41,526 --> 00:15:43,159 Excuse me. 365 00:15:45,196 --> 00:15:48,798 Okay, so now we're doing the murmur at the end, well... 366 00:15:50,652 --> 00:15:51,727 Hey, Chuck. 367 00:15:52,400 --> 00:15:54,112 Can I help you with something? 368 00:15:54,114 --> 00:15:57,640 Actually, I do need something. 369 00:15:57,709 --> 00:15:59,756 Can you get me my eye drops? 370 00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:03,049 They're in the trunk of my car next to what may seem like 371 00:16:03,119 --> 00:16:04,763 makeup for men. It's actually makeup 372 00:16:04,832 --> 00:16:07,384 - for women, that I use. - Ah, you have dry eye 373 00:16:07,453 --> 00:16:09,366 from playing Biscuit Blitz all night. 374 00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:11,248 I didn't play all night. 375 00:16:11,316 --> 00:16:15,280 I took a long break to pee into that jar. 376 00:16:15,348 --> 00:16:17,934 You're only on level three? 377 00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:21,328 Ah, I know the problem. You're not using Biscuit Bombs. 378 00:16:21,396 --> 00:16:23,478 I don't need to. I know what I'm doing. 379 00:16:23,547 --> 00:16:26,602 Shh, honey, honey, honey, 380 00:16:26,672 --> 00:16:29,694 you need to listen to someone who knows better. 381 00:16:29,763 --> 00:16:31,710 Why is this know-it-all tone 382 00:16:31,779 --> 00:16:35,439 going into my ears instead of coming out of my mouth? 383 00:16:35,508 --> 00:16:39,303 I don't need you momsplaining to me something I already know. 384 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,991 Oh, crap. I just learned a lesson. 385 00:16:42,060 --> 00:16:44,914 About the way you spoke to Portia yesterday? 386 00:16:44,983 --> 00:16:48,106 Yes, I was so condescending. 387 00:16:48,176 --> 00:16:50,559 And if journalism is half as important to her 388 00:16:50,628 --> 00:16:52,474 as Blitzing is to me, 389 00:16:52,543 --> 00:16:55,229 then, wow, just wow. 390 00:16:55,298 --> 00:16:57,783 Carol, thank you. 391 00:16:57,852 --> 00:16:59,059 Don't forget my jar. 392 00:17:01,212 --> 00:17:03,091 No, no, no, wait, ah, I'm crocheting you 393 00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:04,679 an apology, and it's not done yet. 394 00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:07,917 It's supposed to be a blanket that says, "I'm sorry, Greg." 395 00:17:08,103 --> 00:17:09,713 - I am sorry. - It's fine. 396 00:17:09,860 --> 00:17:11,437 No, for real. 397 00:17:11,467 --> 00:17:13,783 I-- I meant to only privately humiliate you, 398 00:17:13,892 --> 00:17:16,813 and then, you know, maybe show our coworkers later. 399 00:17:16,843 --> 00:17:19,293 - Behind your back. - Unfortunately for you, 400 00:17:19,349 --> 00:17:21,498 you're not the only good reporter around here. 401 00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:23,781 Wait, I'm a good reporter? 402 00:17:23,850 --> 00:17:26,470 I've done a little investigating of my own. 403 00:17:26,538 --> 00:17:27,645 About you. 404 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:30,669 - Oh, no. - Oh, yes. 405 00:17:30,738 --> 00:17:33,626 In high school, you attended Court Jester Camp 406 00:17:33,695 --> 00:17:36,784 - at Medieval Times. - Gah. 407 00:17:36,853 --> 00:17:39,338 And who could forget the scathing op-ed you wrote 408 00:17:39,407 --> 00:17:41,690 for your college paper about how there should be 409 00:17:41,758 --> 00:17:44,377 more cake options in the dining halls? 410 00:17:44,447 --> 00:17:48,376 "Chocolate and Vanilla Leave Students Wanting More." 411 00:17:48,445 --> 00:17:52,004 And I dearly love your "World of Warcraft" character, 412 00:17:52,074 --> 00:17:54,693 - L'Erotica the News Elf. - Okay, she was 413 00:17:54,761 --> 00:17:57,717 the best reporter in the realm, but, wait, go back to the part 414 00:17:57,785 --> 00:17:59,733 - about me being a good reporter. - I'm sorry 415 00:17:59,801 --> 00:18:02,051 I doubted your instincts. Maybe that source 416 00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:05,108 - of yours was legit. - No, he definitely was not. 417 00:18:05,178 --> 00:18:08,099 He keeps texting me asking if I wanna do a stripper dance 418 00:18:08,168 --> 00:18:10,283 - at his friend's bar mitzvah. - I also did a little 419 00:18:10,351 --> 00:18:12,568 digging on him. His father works for 420 00:18:12,636 --> 00:18:15,592 - a cyber security firm. - Wait, you think that kid 421 00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:17,704 - might know something? - Uh, you think? 422 00:18:18,112 --> 00:18:20,495 Sorry, I guess I was still a little mad. 423 00:18:24,243 --> 00:18:26,795 Thought you were coming alone. Who's your friend? 424 00:18:26,864 --> 00:18:29,382 Would you two be willing to lez out at Mark's bar mitzvah? 425 00:18:29,451 --> 00:18:31,533 Okay, listen, you little punk. If you don't tell me 426 00:18:31,602 --> 00:18:34,019 everything you know, I will make your life a Dust Bowl. 427 00:18:34,088 --> 00:18:36,538 I don't know what that means. I never did my report. 428 00:18:36,608 --> 00:18:38,488 You better listen to what she says, all right? 429 00:18:38,556 --> 00:18:40,067 You do not want to see her angry. 430 00:18:40,136 --> 00:18:41,814 Do you think this is some kind of joke? 431 00:18:41,883 --> 00:18:43,696 That famous butts and wangs are just out there 432 00:18:43,764 --> 00:18:45,879 - for the world to see? - It's not just celebrities. 433 00:18:45,949 --> 00:18:47,660 It's a huge data breach. They think 434 00:18:47,730 --> 00:18:49,475 - it's an app or something. - What's the app? 435 00:18:49,543 --> 00:18:51,491 I've got your teacher tied up in a warehouse, 436 00:18:51,559 --> 00:18:53,674 - soaked in kerosene. - Katie, just 437 00:18:53,674 --> 00:18:55,682 dial it back a tad. - I don't know! 438 00:18:55,682 --> 00:18:58,637 Why are you doing this? It's my birthday. 439 00:18:58,706 --> 00:19:02,669 It's your birthday? I'm so sorry, 440 00:19:02,738 --> 00:19:05,323 but I made you a blanket that will say, 441 00:19:05,393 --> 00:19:08,213 - "Happy birthday, Source." - Why are you here again? 442 00:19:08,282 --> 00:19:10,094 - Get out of our lives! - Should we run? 443 00:19:10,164 --> 00:19:11,439 Mm-hmm. 444 00:19:13,389 --> 00:19:16,647 Portia, I'm not good at apologizing. 445 00:19:19,739 --> 00:19:21,921 Uh, was that it? 446 00:19:21,991 --> 00:19:23,299 Well, let me try this again 447 00:19:23,368 --> 00:19:24,945 in language you understand. 448 00:19:25,219 --> 00:19:26,964 Urban Dictionary defines 449 00:19:27,053 --> 00:19:30,747 "apologizing" as a sex act where the man stands 450 00:19:30,816 --> 00:19:32,528 in the tank of a toilet-- - Okay, fine, fine, 451 00:19:32,556 --> 00:19:35,483 I accept your apology, as long as you can admit 452 00:19:35,555 --> 00:19:37,267 that there are some things I know better than you. 453 00:19:37,338 --> 00:19:39,859 Yes, Portia, of course. I promise. 454 00:19:39,918 --> 00:19:41,918 And from now on, I will listen 455 00:19:42,009 --> 00:19:44,009 and not always assume I know best. 456 00:19:44,625 --> 00:19:46,625 Maybe I am good at apologizing. 457 00:19:47,241 --> 00:19:49,476 Hey, Chuck, I think you just got hacked. 458 00:19:49,639 --> 00:19:51,730 The "New York Post" published your fiber journals. 459 00:19:51,802 --> 00:19:54,710 What? Oh, God. I hope they don't find 460 00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:57,146 my drunk voice mails to Nancy Pelosi. 461 00:19:57,399 --> 00:20:00,409 I can explain the nickname "Captain Orgasm." 462 00:20:00,613 --> 00:20:03,206 - It's worse than it sounds. - You know, just a piece 463 00:20:03,260 --> 00:20:06,298 - of advice, when I was hacked... - I'm not listening to you. 464 00:20:06,370 --> 00:20:08,550 I know about this. I know about everything. 465 00:20:10,372 --> 00:20:12,677 Aidan's gonna have a field day with this. 466 00:20:12,918 --> 00:20:15,276 Oh, I download one app on my boss's phone 467 00:20:15,321 --> 00:20:16,682 and look what happens. 468 00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:18,929 - Wait, one app? - Yeah, Biscuit Blitz. 469 00:20:19,015 --> 00:20:21,030 Maybe that's what that kid was talking about. 470 00:20:21,081 --> 00:20:22,597 Biscuit Blitz is the data breach. 471 00:20:22,625 --> 00:20:23,996 It's on everyone's phone, 472 00:20:24,037 --> 00:20:26,037 it has access to 100 million users worldwide. 473 00:20:26,445 --> 00:20:28,445 Oh, my God. Do you know what this means? 474 00:20:28,490 --> 00:20:31,135 You may have just cracked the story of a lifetime. 475 00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:34,293 No, it means I pitched the story of a lifetime. 476 00:20:34,325 --> 00:20:36,271 Oh, you take that, Aidan. 477 00:20:36,273 --> 00:20:38,273 I'm gonna rub his face in it. 478 00:20:38,346 --> 00:20:41,146 That twerp. 479 00:20:44,614 --> 00:20:47,054 Wait, wait, I found something. 480 00:20:47,624 --> 00:20:49,624 It's the other boot. 481 00:20:53,670 --> 00:20:55,887 Well, my career in England's over. 482 00:20:56,207 --> 00:20:57,887 Maybe I could move to America, 483 00:20:57,974 --> 00:21:00,833 become a better version of myself, like Stefan Urquelle. 484 00:21:01,981 --> 00:21:03,981 Thanks for nothing, Nessie. 485 00:21:10,257 --> 00:21:12,876 Sync & corrections by dwigt Addic7ed.com