1 00:00:04,392 --> 00:00:07,026 Ugh, guys, come on. You can't just throw 2 00:00:07,095 --> 00:00:09,462 trash on the ground. What, were you raised 3 00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:12,499 in a barn? No offense, Beth. 4 00:00:12,567 --> 00:00:14,601 I was born in a barn. I was raised in a home 5 00:00:14,669 --> 00:00:16,236 for peculiar children. 6 00:00:22,110 --> 00:00:23,042 Yeah, so-- 7 00:00:26,515 --> 00:00:28,381 What the? 8 00:00:28,450 --> 00:00:32,051 Carol Wendelson. Have you been extreme couponing again? 9 00:00:32,120 --> 00:00:33,987 Yes, but before you say anything, 10 00:00:34,055 --> 00:00:38,291 - I got all of this for just 62˘. - Mom, why isn't this stuff 11 00:00:38,360 --> 00:00:40,560 - in your hoarding shed? - Because my hoarding shed 12 00:00:40,629 --> 00:00:42,762 is full, and your dad said if I get a second one, I'll 13 00:00:42,831 --> 00:00:45,665 - have to go see Dr. Jill again. - Okay, well, you can't use 14 00:00:45,734 --> 00:00:47,867 the roof as your personal storage unit. 15 00:00:47,936 --> 00:00:50,203 Why? Stosh the janitor gave me a key in exchange 16 00:00:50,272 --> 00:00:52,906 for my Netflix password, except now all they recommend 17 00:00:52,974 --> 00:00:55,708 is Polish shows like "Pierogi in the City." 18 00:00:55,777 --> 00:00:59,479 - I'm such a Wladyslavka. - Okay, well, just can you 19 00:00:59,548 --> 00:01:01,915 get this crap off the roof before Greg finds out? 20 00:01:01,983 --> 00:01:03,616 You're never going to use any of it anyway. 21 00:01:03,685 --> 00:01:05,485 Ooh, are those Venus razors? Could I have one? 22 00:01:05,554 --> 00:01:08,454 Actually, they're "Wenus" razors, but I got them 23 00:01:08,523 --> 00:01:10,223 for negative $40.00. 24 00:01:13,261 --> 00:01:16,563 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.om 25 00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:20,033 Hey, Chuck, you wanted to see me? 26 00:01:20,101 --> 00:01:22,268 Oh, yes, Carol. I have a very important job for you. 27 00:01:22,337 --> 00:01:24,404 Finally, what do you need me to do? 28 00:01:24,472 --> 00:01:26,539 Crack a witness? Go undercover as a slut? 29 00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:28,241 I need you to go to my home 30 00:01:28,310 --> 00:01:30,910 - and let the cable guy in. - Oh, I'd be happy to. 31 00:01:30,979 --> 00:01:33,112 I've never been to a celebrity's house before. 32 00:01:33,181 --> 00:01:35,481 Well, except for Jesus. He has a very exclusive 33 00:01:35,550 --> 00:01:39,752 party there every Sunday, Chuck. 34 00:01:39,821 --> 00:01:41,955 Thank you, Carol. I don't make a habit 35 00:01:42,023 --> 00:01:46,226 of letting people into my home, but I know I can count on you. 36 00:01:46,294 --> 00:01:48,394 Oh, and one more thing: 37 00:01:48,463 --> 00:01:53,233 whatever you do, don't open the red door. 38 00:01:54,736 --> 00:01:56,903 O--Okay then, bye. 39 00:02:00,775 --> 00:02:03,209 Ugh, I have had the worst morning. 40 00:02:03,278 --> 00:02:05,945 Did your fancy Japanese toilet go berserk again? 41 00:02:06,014 --> 00:02:09,481 No,Potti-San is fine. My phone was hacked. 42 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:12,849 They took it all: my personal photos, my tasteful nudes, 43 00:02:12,849 --> 00:02:14,607 my footage from my GoPro thong. 44 00:02:14,607 --> 00:02:16,346 Oh, Portia, that's terrible. 45 00:02:16,558 --> 00:02:18,024 Yeah, I hear a lot of big celebrities 46 00:02:18,093 --> 00:02:20,893 - have been getting hacked lately. - Big celebrities, huh? 47 00:02:20,962 --> 00:02:23,830 Then my phone must've been hacked, too. 48 00:02:23,898 --> 00:02:29,469 Yep, it says it: "Hacked Alert." Aw, man, looks like 49 00:02:29,537 --> 00:02:32,305 - they're in the mainframe. - I've gotta go see my lawyers, 50 00:02:32,374 --> 00:02:35,375 but will you guys please, please not look at these photos? 51 00:02:35,443 --> 00:02:38,144 I can't stop strangers from looking, but you guys? 52 00:02:38,213 --> 00:02:39,379 You're my friends. 53 00:02:39,447 --> 00:02:42,315 Greg, Chuck, Katie, Barf, 54 00:02:42,384 --> 00:02:47,086 Greg again, I wanna say... Lumpy? 55 00:02:47,155 --> 00:02:48,554 Thanks, guys. 56 00:02:51,526 --> 00:02:53,493 Hey, hey, hey, what are you guys doing? 57 00:02:53,561 --> 00:02:57,196 Looking at Portia's nudes. There's one of her with Tupac. 58 00:02:57,265 --> 00:03:00,433 - From last year? - No, no! How would you all feel 59 00:03:00,502 --> 00:03:03,303 if your naked pictures were out there for the world to see? 60 00:03:03,371 --> 00:03:06,172 I'd feel great. I tried to submit to "Hustler," 61 00:03:06,241 --> 00:03:08,041 but they said my bedroom made them depressed. 62 00:03:08,109 --> 00:03:10,576 Yeah, chill out, Greg. It's just boobies and vaginas. 63 00:03:10,645 --> 00:03:11,811 - Yeah. - No, guys, 64 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,880 Portia's privacy was stolen. 65 00:03:13,948 --> 00:03:17,116 Maybe you don't know what that feels like, but I do. 66 00:03:17,185 --> 00:03:19,185 Katie, I had no idea. What happened to you? 67 00:03:21,589 --> 00:03:23,456 I was raised by Carol Wendelson. 68 00:03:23,525 --> 00:03:25,625 She read my diary. 69 00:03:25,694 --> 00:03:26,993 She listened in on my phone calls. 70 00:03:27,062 --> 00:03:30,630 My freshman year roommate was just a P.I. that she 71 00:03:30,699 --> 00:03:32,265 had hired-- I was like, why is your student film 72 00:03:32,334 --> 00:03:34,467 just about everywhere I go, you know? 73 00:03:34,536 --> 00:03:37,370 Katie's right. We should respect Portia. 74 00:03:37,439 --> 00:03:39,238 She's our coworker and our friend. 75 00:03:39,307 --> 00:03:42,809 She thinks my name is Barf, which, yes, is my middle name, 76 00:03:42,877 --> 00:03:45,578 - but she doesn't know that. - Phones away, people. 77 00:03:45,647 --> 00:03:46,746 Ugh. 78 00:03:56,124 --> 00:03:59,392 Okay, there it is. No big deal. 79 00:03:59,461 --> 00:04:02,195 All I have to do is keep my mind off the red door. 80 00:04:02,263 --> 00:04:05,064 Just like that. Ehh... 81 00:04:08,536 --> 00:04:10,036 Hi, mom. 82 00:04:10,105 --> 00:04:12,138 Oh, Katie, I'm at Chuck's house, 83 00:04:12,207 --> 00:04:14,240 and there's this mysterious red door, and he told me 84 00:04:14,309 --> 00:04:18,010 not to open it, but I really, really, really want to. 85 00:04:18,079 --> 00:04:19,812 Mom, what are you doing at Chuck's house? 86 00:04:19,881 --> 00:04:22,248 Trying not to open the red door, keep up with me, Katie. 87 00:04:22,317 --> 00:04:24,283 Chuck trusts me, and I don't wanna ruin it, 88 00:04:24,352 --> 00:04:27,687 but I need to know the secret. I'm like that white-haired lady 89 00:04:27,756 --> 00:04:29,822 on Wackyleaks-- What's her name? You know, she looks like 90 00:04:29,891 --> 00:04:32,825 - the Snow Queen in Narnio? - Julian Assange. 91 00:04:32,894 --> 00:04:35,161 - No, no, that's not it. - Mom, this might be hard 92 00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:38,097 for you to understand, but people deserve privacy, 93 00:04:38,166 --> 00:04:40,133 which is why I convinced the whole office not to look 94 00:04:40,201 --> 00:04:43,403 at Portia's hacked photos, and honestly, it-- Mom? 95 00:04:43,471 --> 00:04:45,438 You're already looking at them, aren't you? 96 00:04:45,507 --> 00:04:48,441 Oh, God, gossip, secrets, that's the stuff. 97 00:04:48,510 --> 00:04:50,777 Oh, you mean you haven't read any of these emails? 98 00:04:50,845 --> 00:04:53,379 - Not even the ones about you? - Wait, I thought 99 00:04:53,448 --> 00:04:55,748 it was just pictures. There's emails, too? 100 00:04:55,817 --> 00:04:57,650 So this is just a treasure trove of things-- 101 00:04:57,719 --> 00:05:00,420 not treasure, regular trove-- of things that Portia 102 00:05:00,488 --> 00:05:03,289 said about everybody? Well, I'm not interested 103 00:05:03,358 --> 00:05:05,458 because no deets, no matter how juicy, are worth 104 00:05:05,527 --> 00:05:09,128 betraying a coworker's trust. 105 00:05:09,197 --> 00:05:14,066 You're right, Pumpkin. I'm not gonna open the red door. 106 00:05:14,135 --> 00:05:17,570 - I'm gonna be just like you. - Yeah, like me. 107 00:05:17,639 --> 00:05:19,205 Okay, bye. 108 00:05:25,031 --> 00:05:28,000 _ 109 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,454 Hey, you know, I think it's really great 110 00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:35,828 that we're not reading Portia's emails. 111 00:05:35,839 --> 00:05:37,321 Could you just real quick remind me why? 112 00:05:37,348 --> 00:05:40,149 Because, Katie, we're better than that. 113 00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:45,103 Yes, yeah, exactly. Hey, what's going on over there? 114 00:05:45,836 --> 00:05:48,236 Oh, I wanna look so bad. Just think of 115 00:05:48,235 --> 00:05:50,168 the cool slang we could learn. I could finally 116 00:05:50,237 --> 00:05:52,671 stop saying, "I'm gellin' like Magellan." 117 00:05:52,740 --> 00:05:56,108 What, ugh, Greg, that's not a reason to look. 118 00:05:56,176 --> 00:05:59,111 A reason to look would be to make sure that Portia 119 00:05:59,179 --> 00:06:00,779 didn't say anything to hurt the show. 120 00:06:00,848 --> 00:06:02,214 - Oh, God, that's perfect. - Mm-hmm. 121 00:06:02,282 --> 00:06:05,550 I mean, oh, God, that's ethical. 122 00:06:05,619 --> 00:06:06,685 Mm-hmm. 123 00:06:06,754 --> 00:06:08,520 This is crazy. Who knew Portia 124 00:06:08,589 --> 00:06:10,856 was friends with Beyoncé? And who knew Beyoncé's email 125 00:06:10,924 --> 00:06:14,393 was "FunMusicGal@hotmail"? - Ooh, Portia says 126 00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:16,428 a lot of mean stuff about Chuck. 127 00:06:16,497 --> 00:06:19,031 "Chuck is an old loser"? 128 00:06:19,099 --> 00:06:21,933 Oh, here's a nice one: "Chuck looks like George Clooney 129 00:06:22,002 --> 00:06:23,769 "if George Clooney were made out of diarrhea." 130 00:06:23,837 --> 00:06:25,470 - Okay. - God, she's vicious. 131 00:06:25,539 --> 00:06:26,938 - Mm. - Do you wanna see 132 00:06:27,007 --> 00:06:29,908 - what she says about you? - Yeah. Wait, I wanna do it. 133 00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:35,280 Whoa, wait, oh, my gosh, what's this? 134 00:06:35,349 --> 00:06:38,316 "Office goss," okay, "They're not fooling anyone. 135 00:06:38,385 --> 00:06:41,286 "Greg and Katie are totally boning." 136 00:06:43,791 --> 00:06:45,590 Do our chums think we're snogging? 137 00:06:45,659 --> 00:06:49,094 What? Wh-- Speak English! Does Portia think that? 138 00:06:49,163 --> 00:06:51,396 - Does everyone think that? - I have a girlfriend. 139 00:06:51,465 --> 00:06:53,699 - And I'm not a homewrecker. - Don't overreact. 140 00:06:53,767 --> 00:06:55,233 - Okay. - We've only been in this room 141 00:06:55,302 --> 00:06:57,636 with the door locked for-- Oh, God, 3 hours. 142 00:06:57,705 --> 00:06:59,504 Oh, my God, I have to sneak out of here. 143 00:06:59,573 --> 00:07:01,540 Do you think I could fit through the air ducts? 144 00:07:01,608 --> 00:07:04,009 Okay, I'm not gonna actually do it, but there's 145 00:07:04,078 --> 00:07:06,678 only one right answer, and it's "Yes, you can fit, Katie." 146 00:07:08,015 --> 00:07:10,048 Thank you very much. 147 00:07:10,117 --> 00:07:11,883 Well, I did it. 148 00:07:11,952 --> 00:07:15,654 I didn't open the red door. Man, I'm the best. 149 00:07:24,631 --> 00:07:28,400 No! 150 00:07:28,469 --> 00:07:32,037 No! 151 00:07:32,106 --> 00:07:33,238 Chuck? 152 00:07:33,307 --> 00:07:36,842 You were in here the whole time? Chuck? 153 00:07:49,590 --> 00:07:52,391 So everything went fine. Nothing weird happened. Good-bye. 154 00:07:52,459 --> 00:07:54,860 - You opened it, didn't you? - Yes, I'm sorry. 155 00:07:54,929 --> 00:07:56,495 If you didn't want anybody to open it, 156 00:07:56,564 --> 00:07:58,330 why would you paint it red? 157 00:07:58,399 --> 00:07:59,965 Just leave it regular door colored. 158 00:08:00,034 --> 00:08:03,068 What are you implying? That I wanted you to open it? 159 00:08:03,137 --> 00:08:07,539 Why, so I could air my secret shame finally and tell my story? 160 00:08:07,608 --> 00:08:11,910 That's insane. The year was 1996... 161 00:08:13,347 --> 00:08:14,980 And there you have it: Erik and Lyle Menendez 162 00:08:15,049 --> 00:08:17,583 convicted of murder in the first degree. 163 00:08:17,651 --> 00:08:20,485 I just reported the crap out of the Menendez brothers, 164 00:08:20,554 --> 00:08:23,822 and I was the heir apparent for the "Nightly News" desk. 165 00:08:23,891 --> 00:08:26,558 Women wanted to be with me, and men wanted to 166 00:08:26,627 --> 00:08:28,493 hear news from me. 167 00:08:28,562 --> 00:08:30,462 Whoo! 168 00:08:30,531 --> 00:08:32,531 And then, just when I thought things couldn't possibly 169 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:36,335 get better, I got a call from a very special lady. 170 00:08:36,403 --> 00:08:38,036 Madame Tussauds? 171 00:08:38,105 --> 00:08:39,805 It was like 172 00:08:39,873 --> 00:08:44,009 I had achieved immortality. There I was between Kurt Cobain 173 00:08:44,078 --> 00:08:47,245 and Austin Powers. People came from far and wide 174 00:08:47,314 --> 00:08:51,483 to see my statue because they thought I was somebody. 175 00:08:51,552 --> 00:08:57,022 And then, a few years later, something changed. 176 00:08:57,091 --> 00:08:59,625 I got passed over for the "Nightly News" desk. 177 00:08:59,693 --> 00:09:01,360 Thank you. But that wasn't 178 00:09:01,428 --> 00:09:04,463 the worst of it, Carol. I was feeling pretty low, 179 00:09:04,531 --> 00:09:08,967 so I decided to take my date to Madame Tussauds. 180 00:09:09,036 --> 00:09:13,071 When I got there, I discovered that I'd been replaced. 181 00:09:21,348 --> 00:09:25,384 I stood there for hours. Luckily, I wasn't the only 182 00:09:25,452 --> 00:09:28,920 celebrity pretending to be his own wax statue that day. 183 00:09:28,989 --> 00:09:31,923 Scott Baio and I became great friends. 184 00:09:31,992 --> 00:09:34,760 Both of us gigantic losers. 185 00:09:34,828 --> 00:09:36,595 So they gave you your statue? 186 00:09:36,664 --> 00:09:39,164 No, I bought it. They were gonna melt it 187 00:09:39,233 --> 00:09:41,199 into a gray ball with Milli Vanilli. 188 00:09:41,268 --> 00:09:43,235 I couldn't let that happen. I always thought that 189 00:09:43,303 --> 00:09:45,604 once I was back on top, Madame Tussauds was gonna 190 00:09:45,673 --> 00:09:49,174 - want me again. - And she will. 191 00:09:49,243 --> 00:09:52,611 Chuck, now that we're admitting things, um, 192 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:55,547 your head kind of fell off. Please, don't be mad at me. 193 00:09:55,616 --> 00:09:58,050 I stuck it back on with a scoop of your crotch wax. 194 00:09:58,118 --> 00:10:00,552 I'm not mad, Carol. I should've gotten rid of 195 00:10:00,621 --> 00:10:02,988 that thing years ago. That statue's now just 196 00:10:03,057 --> 00:10:06,958 a sad reminder of the glory I never had. I can't even 197 00:10:07,027 --> 00:10:10,762 - get hacked. It's over. - Don't you say that. 198 00:10:10,831 --> 00:10:14,299 - The Menendezes could kill again. - I want you to destroy 199 00:10:14,368 --> 00:10:16,635 that thing, Carol. I never want to see it again. 200 00:10:16,704 --> 00:10:19,571 Chuck, are you sure? It could be useful. 201 00:10:19,640 --> 00:10:21,339 You could try out new haircuts on it 202 00:10:21,408 --> 00:10:23,975 - before you take the plunge. - I have someone for that. 203 00:10:24,044 --> 00:10:26,311 Carol, kill him. 204 00:10:30,916 --> 00:10:33,886 Ugh, great, I'm in the same room as Greg. 205 00:10:34,157 --> 00:10:36,323 That stinks 'cause all he does is talks about it how much 206 00:10:36,392 --> 00:10:39,293 he loves his girlfriend, and all I do is respect that. 207 00:10:39,362 --> 00:10:40,828 You know what? Just stay away from me, 208 00:10:40,897 --> 00:10:43,197 - like I like. - All right, that's the one 209 00:10:43,266 --> 00:10:45,666 thing we can agree on. That's it. 210 00:10:45,735 --> 00:10:48,436 Anyway, how's it going, lunch crew? 211 00:10:48,504 --> 00:10:50,304 - Did you just wink at her? - Yeah, why are you guys 212 00:10:50,373 --> 00:10:53,007 acting so weird? 213 00:10:53,076 --> 00:10:56,644 Okay, just to nip any rumors in the bud, Katie and I 214 00:10:56,712 --> 00:10:59,013 are coworkers, all right? Nothing more. 215 00:10:59,082 --> 00:11:01,015 Mm-mm, Greg's got a girlfriend, I have 216 00:11:01,084 --> 00:11:03,451 a fun Bumble presence. The point is, despite whatever 217 00:11:03,519 --> 00:11:05,786 you guys have heard, we are not sleeping together. 218 00:11:05,855 --> 00:11:07,354 - No one thinks you're sleeping together. 219 00:11:07,423 --> 00:11:09,490 I thought you were brother and sister. 220 00:11:09,559 --> 00:11:12,026 I don't think about either of you sleeping with anyone. 221 00:11:12,095 --> 00:11:14,428 Katie, you're always, like, doing puzzles. 222 00:11:14,497 --> 00:11:16,630 Some say sex is the ultimate puzzle. 223 00:11:16,699 --> 00:11:19,600 Yeah, see? You say stuff like that. 224 00:11:19,669 --> 00:11:22,670 Greg, can you even have sex? You told me yourself 225 00:11:22,738 --> 00:11:25,973 - you don't have genitals. - No, I did not. 226 00:11:26,042 --> 00:11:28,442 Yeah, you did. You came up to me and said, 227 00:11:28,511 --> 00:11:30,111 "Beth, I have nothing down there. 228 00:11:30,179 --> 00:11:32,780 "I'm completely smooth, like a Ken doll." 229 00:11:32,849 --> 00:11:35,182 Do you not remember that? 230 00:11:35,251 --> 00:11:37,351 - That never happened. - Ugh. 231 00:11:37,420 --> 00:11:39,887 Oh, boy. I don't know who to believe. 232 00:11:39,956 --> 00:11:42,990 - Okay, come on, let's just go. - But Katie, I do have genitals. 233 00:11:43,059 --> 00:11:45,459 Stop saying "genitals." You're making it worse. 234 00:11:48,030 --> 00:11:50,397 Oh, I have to leave you, Chuck. 235 00:11:50,466 --> 00:11:51,899 It's what the other Chuck wants. 236 00:11:59,475 --> 00:12:03,077 Oh, I can't do it. Why is this so hard? 237 00:12:04,547 --> 00:12:08,182 Come on, buddy. Let's go. 238 00:12:10,353 --> 00:12:13,387 Okay, you'll be safe up here. I put you next to 239 00:12:13,456 --> 00:12:15,222 the Yankee candles because I thought you'd have 240 00:12:15,291 --> 00:12:18,459 a lot in common. 241 00:12:18,528 --> 00:12:22,363 Oh, that's good. Enjoy the view. 242 00:12:22,431 --> 00:12:25,099 Man, I'm so relieved no one had the wrong idea about us. 243 00:12:25,168 --> 00:12:27,768 Oh, me too. I hate rumors. 244 00:12:27,837 --> 00:12:29,069 In middle school, there was this one 245 00:12:29,138 --> 00:12:31,238 going around about me that I had fleas. 246 00:12:31,307 --> 00:12:34,041 - Try a flea, singular. - I guess we had 247 00:12:34,110 --> 00:12:35,643 - nothing to worry about, then. - Yeah. 248 00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:37,311 I mean, they literally laughed at the idea of us 249 00:12:37,380 --> 00:12:39,647 having sex with each other, or anyone. 250 00:12:39,715 --> 00:12:42,917 I guess that's what we wanted though... right? 251 00:12:42,985 --> 00:12:45,653 - Right. - Yeah. 252 00:12:45,721 --> 00:12:46,954 Oh, well. Back to work. 253 00:12:47,023 --> 00:12:48,822 We've called an emergency meeting. 254 00:12:48,891 --> 00:12:50,858 We will have you guys know that we are not 255 00:12:50,927 --> 00:12:53,761 sleeping together, but we are viable candidates for it. 256 00:12:53,829 --> 00:12:55,896 - Ew. - It's not "ew." 257 00:12:55,965 --> 00:13:00,067 - It's "hmm." - I am not unattractive. 258 00:13:00,136 --> 00:13:02,636 I've been approached numerous times in coffee shops by women, 259 00:13:02,705 --> 00:13:04,038 and only twice was that because they thought 260 00:13:04,106 --> 00:13:05,940 - I was their lost child. - Yeah, and you guys 261 00:13:06,008 --> 00:13:07,975 only know work Katie. You've never met Katie 262 00:13:08,044 --> 00:13:11,912 after dark with her wet hair and her boobs all flying around. 263 00:13:11,981 --> 00:13:13,647 This has nothing to do with work. 264 00:13:13,716 --> 00:13:15,849 Beth and Justin flirt, and we all love that. 265 00:13:16,068 --> 00:13:18,068 We're like Carrie and Mr. Bigaslavka from 266 00:13:18,287 --> 00:13:20,287 "Pierogi in the City." 267 00:13:20,356 --> 00:13:21,589 - Cut it out. - You cut it out. 268 00:13:21,657 --> 00:13:23,257 - Stop. - You stop. 269 00:13:23,326 --> 00:13:25,159 - You're bad. - Well, you know who doesn't 270 00:13:25,228 --> 00:13:27,661 think the idea of us is crazy? Portia. 271 00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:29,396 Since when? Portia thinks Katie 272 00:13:29,465 --> 00:13:32,299 - is Greg doing a Mrs. Doubtfire. - Oh, really? 273 00:13:32,368 --> 00:13:34,101 Well, in Portia's hacked emails-- 274 00:13:34,170 --> 00:13:36,570 it's-- that we looked at 275 00:13:36,639 --> 00:13:40,541 for work reasons-- She said, "Katie and Greg 276 00:13:40,610 --> 00:13:44,979 are totally boning." Boo-yah! 277 00:13:45,047 --> 00:13:47,248 Nope, no, that wasn't-- Nope, that's not good. 278 00:13:47,316 --> 00:13:48,816 Oh, my God, I made two, I made two. 279 00:13:48,884 --> 00:13:50,417 Let me-- Let me do it. Oh, that's at Rushmore. 280 00:13:50,486 --> 00:13:53,187 - Yeah, can you fix that? - What the hell are you doing? 281 00:13:53,256 --> 00:13:55,055 Portia, I know what this looks like-- 282 00:13:55,124 --> 00:13:57,157 But we were doing it for a very good reason. 283 00:13:57,226 --> 00:13:59,994 We were trying to prove to everyone that we're sexy. 284 00:14:00,062 --> 00:14:03,264 Greg, this is not okay. There are things in those emails 285 00:14:03,332 --> 00:14:05,899 - that certain people cannot see. - Hey, Chuck's on the roof. 286 00:14:05,968 --> 00:14:08,002 - I think he's gonna jump. - Oh, my God, he probably read 287 00:14:08,070 --> 00:14:10,271 all the terrible things I said about him. 288 00:14:12,108 --> 00:14:15,409 Hey, where's everybody going? Oh, is this a fun run? 289 00:14:15,478 --> 00:14:18,412 Because my ankle hurts, but I still want a t-shirt. 290 00:14:18,481 --> 00:14:19,913 Chuck's on the roof. He's gonna jump. 291 00:14:19,982 --> 00:14:24,451 Oh, oh. 292 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:25,753 Ooh... 293 00:14:27,056 --> 00:14:28,389 Ooh. 294 00:14:30,439 --> 00:14:33,274 Hey, Chuck. I have a question for you. 295 00:14:33,276 --> 00:14:36,844 - Would you rather-- - Fly or be invisible? Fly. 296 00:14:36,852 --> 00:14:39,385 Sure, you can't walk right into the ladies' locker room, 297 00:14:39,409 --> 00:14:41,718 but you can hover near the ceiling. 298 00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:44,184 Yeah, nope, I was gonna ask if you would rather 299 00:14:44,253 --> 00:14:46,820 everyone know that you have a wax figure of yourself 300 00:14:46,889 --> 00:14:52,326 or everyone think that you are trying to end your life. 301 00:14:53,462 --> 00:14:54,861 - Neither, Carol. - Okay, good to know 302 00:14:54,930 --> 00:14:58,398 - for next time. - Hey, what did you do? 303 00:14:58,467 --> 00:15:01,602 I... I... I... 304 00:15:01,670 --> 00:15:05,539 Chuck, don't do this. There's so much to live for. 305 00:15:05,608 --> 00:15:08,375 Like-- Does he have a wife? 306 00:15:08,444 --> 00:15:11,912 Ugh. Chuck, do not pay attention 307 00:15:11,981 --> 00:15:15,282 to Portia's emails. She thought Greg and I 308 00:15:15,351 --> 00:15:18,285 were sleeping together, which is totally not true, 309 00:15:18,354 --> 00:15:21,421 - but not unrealistic. - Eww. 310 00:15:21,490 --> 00:15:23,724 - What are you talking about? - Your email. 311 00:15:23,792 --> 00:15:25,926 "They're not fooling anyone. Greg and Katie 312 00:15:25,995 --> 00:15:29,429 - "are totally boning." - Ooh, that must've been 313 00:15:29,498 --> 00:15:31,198 my autocorrect. I meant to say 314 00:15:31,267 --> 00:15:33,634 "Greg and Katie are totally boring." 315 00:15:33,702 --> 00:15:35,369 Okay, that makes sense. 316 00:15:35,437 --> 00:15:37,304 Now I get it. 'Cause Greg told all of us 317 00:15:37,373 --> 00:15:39,306 - that he has no genitals. - I heard that. 318 00:15:39,375 --> 00:15:41,208 I can prove this to you very eas-- 319 00:15:41,277 --> 00:15:42,709 Chuck locked the door to the roof. 320 00:15:42,778 --> 00:15:45,579 What? Wait, my mom has a key. Keep talking to him, 321 00:15:45,648 --> 00:15:47,381 I'll find her. 322 00:15:47,449 --> 00:15:49,716 This is humiliating. How am I gonna explain this? 323 00:15:49,785 --> 00:15:52,185 What if I tell everyone that I made the statue 324 00:15:52,254 --> 00:15:54,621 because I'm in love with you? I made it with wax from 325 00:15:54,690 --> 00:15:56,590 - those little round cheeses. - Why didn't you just 326 00:15:56,659 --> 00:15:58,158 get rid of him like I asked you to? 327 00:15:58,227 --> 00:15:59,660 I don't know-- because he's not trash. 328 00:15:59,728 --> 00:16:01,428 What if you get the "Nightly News" desk, 329 00:16:01,497 --> 00:16:03,630 - and you need him again? - Not gonna happen, Carol. 330 00:16:03,699 --> 00:16:05,832 - That ship has sailed. - Oh, well, if it's too late 331 00:16:05,901 --> 00:16:08,335 for you then what does that mean for me? 332 00:16:08,404 --> 00:16:11,338 - What are you talking about? - Maybe that's why 333 00:16:11,407 --> 00:16:14,508 I couldn't throw him away, because I don't want to believe 334 00:16:14,576 --> 00:16:17,277 that dreams have expiration dates. 335 00:16:17,346 --> 00:16:21,748 I'm a 60-year-old intern, Chuck. I want a big career. 336 00:16:21,817 --> 00:16:24,351 I wanna be on camera one day. 337 00:16:24,420 --> 00:16:26,320 But if you, Chuck Pierce, 338 00:16:26,388 --> 00:16:29,956 one of the greatest newsmen ever to live, 339 00:16:30,025 --> 00:16:33,860 if you can't get the job you've always wanted, 340 00:16:33,929 --> 00:16:35,896 then what chance do I have? 341 00:16:39,568 --> 00:16:41,601 Chuck, there's so much to live for. 342 00:16:41,670 --> 00:16:43,970 A pet, maybe, a kid, if you have one, 343 00:16:44,039 --> 00:16:46,473 whatever holidays you celebrate, 344 00:16:46,542 --> 00:16:49,276 being on Wikipedia, I hope. 345 00:16:49,345 --> 00:16:51,878 - What? That ain't gonna work. - Come on. 346 00:16:51,947 --> 00:16:54,848 Just please, don't jump. We all really, 347 00:16:54,917 --> 00:16:58,652 - really, care about you, Chuck. - Wait, did you hear that? 348 00:16:58,721 --> 00:17:01,388 Hey, Chuck, it's me, Justin. Hey, I just wanna tell you 349 00:17:01,457 --> 00:17:04,858 how much you mean to me. You know, I never had a dad. 350 00:17:04,927 --> 00:17:07,394 This guy, always with the dad stuff. 351 00:17:07,463 --> 00:17:10,030 But thanks to you, now I have a hero. 352 00:17:11,533 --> 00:17:13,967 You're an inspiration, Chuck. When I was a kid, 353 00:17:14,036 --> 00:17:17,037 you came and spoke at my school, and, the very next day, 354 00:17:17,106 --> 00:17:20,841 my hot teacher came in and said you stole her underwear. 355 00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:25,645 I named my dog after you. Well, Chuck Norris, 356 00:17:25,714 --> 00:17:27,881 - but--but still. - Chuck, I've always 357 00:17:27,950 --> 00:17:30,917 admired you. Remember your stalker, Lorraine? 358 00:17:30,986 --> 00:17:32,652 That was me. 359 00:17:32,721 --> 00:17:35,322 Listen to that. 360 00:17:35,391 --> 00:17:38,825 All those people care about you. 361 00:17:38,894 --> 00:17:41,361 - I feel like Tom Sawyer. - Like you're 362 00:17:41,430 --> 00:17:42,996 - at your own funeral. - No, like 363 00:17:43,065 --> 00:17:46,600 - I'm an amazing song by Rush. - Chuck, the only reason 364 00:17:46,668 --> 00:17:51,671 I give you such a hard time is because I'm jealous. 365 00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:55,342 You're smart and accomplished and you must weigh like nothing 366 00:17:55,411 --> 00:17:56,710 because I just saw Carol carrying you 367 00:17:56,779 --> 00:17:58,445 through the parking lot. 368 00:17:58,514 --> 00:18:01,948 The point is everybody looks up to you. 369 00:18:02,017 --> 00:18:05,952 And I guess I do too. 370 00:18:06,021 --> 00:18:08,422 never knew she felt that way. 371 00:18:08,490 --> 00:18:10,724 I never knew any of them did. 372 00:18:10,793 --> 00:18:14,294 All those people down there, they think you're somebody, 373 00:18:14,363 --> 00:18:16,663 even if Madame Tussaud doesn't. 374 00:18:18,867 --> 00:18:22,903 Aww, here, have a Klonex, but don't get it wet because 375 00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:25,806 it crumbles into dust. 376 00:18:25,874 --> 00:18:27,674 There you are. 377 00:18:27,743 --> 00:18:30,610 - What the hell is happening? - Well, what does it look like? 378 00:18:30,679 --> 00:18:32,479 Your mother went through a red door in my house, 379 00:18:32,548 --> 00:18:34,614 she saw my statue there, she brought it up here, 380 00:18:34,683 --> 00:18:36,483 now everyone thinks I'm trying to kill myself. 381 00:18:36,552 --> 00:18:39,820 Is there anything else you need explained, detective? 382 00:18:39,888 --> 00:18:42,022 What? Well, take it down! 383 00:18:44,426 --> 00:18:46,493 Hey, look, Katie's trying to save Chuck! 384 00:18:46,562 --> 00:18:48,094 Oh, she's a hero! 385 00:18:48,163 --> 00:18:49,663 Yeah, Katie! 386 00:18:49,731 --> 00:18:52,966 How did you lift this thing? 387 00:18:53,035 --> 00:18:55,101 No, no, no, no, no, no! 388 00:18:55,170 --> 00:18:57,437 Oh, my God. 389 00:18:58,474 --> 00:19:01,675 It's okay! I'm alive. 390 00:19:01,743 --> 00:19:04,678 That's because you all believed in me. 391 00:19:04,746 --> 00:19:07,614 Give yourselves a big round of applause. 392 00:19:11,186 --> 00:19:12,853 There you go. 393 00:19:12,921 --> 00:19:16,590 Now get back to work. We have a show in 10 minutes. 394 00:19:16,658 --> 00:19:20,026 Come on, move it along. Get back to your little offices, 395 00:19:20,095 --> 00:19:23,463 - your little holes. - You see, mom? 396 00:19:23,532 --> 00:19:27,367 That is why you never open the red door. 397 00:19:27,436 --> 00:19:30,742 Katie, once again, you couldn't be more wrong. 398 00:19:34,762 --> 00:19:37,520 Carol, thank you for opening the red door 399 00:19:37,606 --> 00:19:42,109 and for reminding me that it's not too late, not for any of us. 400 00:19:42,177 --> 00:19:46,780 Maybe-- Maybe dreams don't have an expiration date, 401 00:19:46,849 --> 00:19:51,852 unlike these 6,000 tubes of Crust flavor-free teethpaste. 402 00:19:52,431 --> 00:19:55,455 Could you please get this garbage off the roof? 403 00:20:01,273 --> 00:20:03,340 Ah, what a day. I can't believe I made 404 00:20:03,409 --> 00:20:05,776 - all the right decisions. - Aw, good for you, Mom. 405 00:20:05,844 --> 00:20:07,811 - Ahh. - I did not. 406 00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:09,379 I should never have read Portia's emails. 407 00:20:09,448 --> 00:20:11,014 Did you see the one about you and Greg? 408 00:20:11,083 --> 00:20:13,116 - That wasn't true, right? - No, but why is that 409 00:20:13,185 --> 00:20:15,953 so hard to believe? I mean, I'm a sexy girl, 410 00:20:16,021 --> 00:20:18,488 right, Mommy? Ew, right, abort, good-bye forever. 411 00:20:18,557 --> 00:20:20,324 Geez, what are you getting so worked up about 412 00:20:20,392 --> 00:20:23,393 if it wasn't true? Ooh. 413 00:20:23,462 --> 00:20:25,529 Oh, don't "ooh." 414 00:20:25,598 --> 00:20:27,898 Let me ask you a question: What would've happened if 415 00:20:27,967 --> 00:20:31,301 Portia's email had read "Katie and Justin are totally boning"? 416 00:20:31,370 --> 00:20:33,403 - I would've laughed it off. - And what did you do today? 417 00:20:33,472 --> 00:20:34,972 I freaked out for like 9 hours. 418 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,341 - You wanna bone Greg! - Oh, my God, 419 00:20:37,409 --> 00:20:40,110 - abort, good-bye forever. - You mark my words, 420 00:20:40,179 --> 00:20:42,246 your babies are gonna have the cutest accents. 421 00:20:42,314 --> 00:20:44,548 That's not how that works, and you are insane. 422 00:20:44,617 --> 00:20:46,416 Wait, gov'nah, would you 423 00:20:46,485 --> 00:20:49,319 like a cup of tea, Granny? 424 00:20:51,390 --> 00:20:54,424 Oh, my God, that thing is so creepy. 425 00:20:54,493 --> 00:20:56,827 Why didn't anybody throw this away? 426 00:20:56,895 --> 00:20:59,429 Hey, get off me! 427 00:20:59,498 --> 00:21:01,331 I'm waiting for my Uber. 428 00:21:03,802 --> 00:21:04,901 I'm sorry, sir. 429 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,606 Sync & corrections by dwigt Addic7ed.com