No. Uh, Katie? It's Trip.
Trip? Uh, I thought you were in Syria.
I'm gonna buzz you in.
Hey. Sorry I woke you up.
Who's "Dave"?
It's my dad.
This was too big for my mom, so I...
No, I mean, I won it at Dave & Buster's.
Hi, I'm so happy you're here!
Mmm.
- So good to see you. - You too.
So wait, how long are you in town for?
Sadly, just a couple weeks while I put together
this long-form Syria piece for the show.
Wait, a couple weeks at MMN?
- Yeah. - Oh, my God.
Okay, there's something I need to tell you.
My mom works there now.
Is that a problem?
100% yes.
Listen, things with us are just really great.
I like you and you're often out of town
so my pube game can be a little devil-may-care.
I like you too.
Well, until you said that last thing, but...
I just... I don't want my mom to find out about us
and ruin it like she's ruined
literally every other relationship
that I've ever been in.
Hey, if you don't want your mom to know,
she won't know.
This is Carol Wendelson we're talking about.
She knows everything about everyone.
That's why in high school they called her Deep Throat.
Boy, I hope that's why.
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com
Oh. Excuse me. Good morning.
Ooh, who's that? Is that a new intern?
I'm gonna haze him so bad!
I heard that in some black fraternities...
Who, him? No, that's, uh, Trent.
I think he's a freelance photographer.
Trent or Tronk, maybe?
Good morning, everyone, and a big welcome back
to Trip Parker who's just returned from Syria.
Oh.
Well, hello. Thank you.
Where he managed to keep working out, didn't he?
- Oh. - Oh, my.
I do CrossFit Junior.
I'm just glad to be back home safe.
Last week, I was embedded with an SDF unit
- near Aleppo, and... - God, I miss being
in the field! Bosnia, Iraq, Chechnya.
The West Village on Halloween.
You're holding hands with death, my friends,
but you don't even think about it,
because there's a job to do, damn it.
Chuck, you miss the field?
Last year, we arranged for you to go to South Sudan,
but you said you had tickets to a magic show.
Those tickets were nonrefundable.
Well, they were refundable,
but there was a fee!
Oh, I haven't talked for so long.
Well, Trip, why don't you and Justin
go through your footage in the edit bay?
- Okay. - Quick warning.
Just before this meeting, I think I saw
a fat janitor go in there and fart.
Yeah, I think that's what that is.
That Trip is so handsome.
Is he?
Oh.
Somebody dressed up today.
Go. Move it!
Ooh, glass.
Oh, sorry, sorry.
Ah! More glass!
See, Corey? That's why we practice.
She knows. She knows. My mom knows about us.
How?
No, I didn't.
But now I do.
You have a secret boyfriend?
Trip, this is my mother.
- Nice to meet you, Carol. - Mrs. Wendelson. Miss...
No, call me Carol.
Why would you treat me with any more respect
than you'd treat a dog?
- Mm-hmm. Okay. - Okay.
M'kay, look, I get that you're mad.
How did I not know?
Oh, this job. I'm so distracted.
God, what else have I missed?
♪ Happy birthday, dear Dave ♪
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
Fine. You want to know the reason
why I didn't tell you about Trip?
Because I didn't want you to ruin it.
- Ruin it? - Yeah, Mom.
All I've ever wanted is for you to like one of my boyfriends,
and you never have. You are the reason
I broke up with Jeff, Ethan, Carl.
Jeff was a mouth breather, and Ethan,
he wouldn't even engage on the whole Judaism thing,
and "Carl" is too close to "Carol."
- That'd be weird! - See?
It doesn't matter if I like a guy,
you find a problem, and then that's all I can see.
Well, then fine, I won't tell you that Trip...
Butt out.
I don't want you in my head.
I think we're almost ready for real glass.
I don't know who first said, "War is Hell,"
but according to a very surly trademark lawyer, it wasn't me.
Does Chuck always read from his memoirs?
Mm, I think he's trying to impress you.
Hot stuff coming through, and I don't mean the coffee,
because I stopped at my house and watched
all of "Chicago Fire," so it's cold.
- Here you go, doll. - Oh, thanks.
- Ahem! - Speaking of hot stuff,
"1989, Panama. I found myself embedded in more ways than one.
I'm talking sex, baby."
Panama? Were you embedded with the 82nd?
I was embedded with the 69th in Afghanistan...
- Oh, maybe... - Got this little tattoo
to honor them.
- "Forever 69"? - Yeah.
Cool.
You know what? That's what I miss the most.
The men... every last one of those guys had my butt.
I know how that sounded. I meant to say "back."
Chuck's right. You need good people around you
when you're in the soup.
I may not believe in God, but I sure as hell
believe in my fellow man.
You're an atheist?
Amen to that.
Or... not amen.
Hey, Mom? Can I just talk to you really quick?
"1977, The Bronx.
I had an idea for a new type of music."
Chuck, if you're serious about getting back in the field,
then you should go to South Sudan.
They need experienced journalists.
Listen up, everyone.
Trip here has reawakened the call of the wild within me.
Next week, I, Chuck Pierce, will return to the field,
reporting live from...
♪ Dum, dum, dum ♪
South Sudan.
Yes!
This is gonna be great for the show.
We can start running promos immediately.
Chuck, you are my hero.
No, Greg, the real heroes are the brave men and women
who are out there every day, doing the impossible.
- The troops. - Magicians.
Okay, what is your game? And don't say canasta.
You with your "cool, 69s" and "not amens."
I'm on to you. No, I'm not.
What is happening?
Do you need me for this argument?
I know you. You are just dying to say it.
"Trip has a tattoo, he hates God,
men shouldn't wear bracelets, dangerous jobs are for Turks."
So let's just have it out. Why should I break up with him?
I didn't notice any of that. I like him.
Wait, you like him?
How? He has so many flaws.
I guess I don't judge people by their appearance.
That is all you do. You were a judge
at my high school's Hot Body contest.
Wait, why did you organize that?
That was a fundraiser, and you're just mad you lost.
You said to me, "The only thing I want is
for you to like my boyfriend." Well, now I do.
- Hey, Katie. - Hi.
- Ready to get out of here? - Mm-hmm.
Oh, how about I drive you kids
to your pad so you can do your "thang"?
- No. - Sure.
Come on, Trip, you can pick the music,
as long as it's from the '70s.
Are you done with those promos yet?
If I don't get home soon,
there'll be hell to pay with my cat.
Y-you shouldn't say stuff like that.
Anyway, you have a little problem with the promos.
Check it out.
I was digging through Chuck's old footage from Gulf War I.
You're gonna want to see this.
Why are you showing me a frightened Iraqi woman?
That's Chuck.
Oh, God.
Chuck's a scaredy-cat.
I tracked down the editor who used to cut Chuck's footage
into something usable.
He's at the Witherbelle Mental Asylum for the Insane.
I guess he became an orderly
when he didn't want to edit anymore.
Ah! Is that a camel?
Why is it making so much eye contact?
- Stop. - Oh, Katie.
This reminds me of the time I drove you
and your little friend with the grey tooth to the prom.
Remember? What was his name? Ah, something ethnic.
- Ryan. - Ryan, yes.
He left with another girl
because Katie wouldn't give it up.
- Mom. - That's not a problem anymore.
Right, Trip? Wink.
It's so funny to see you getting along with my boyfriend,
Mom, considering you had the last one deported.
He got a free trip to the Dominican Republic.
People have to go on "Wheel of Fortune" to win that.
Speaking of trips, who wants to go to Six Flags this weekend?
Fair warning, I'm too short to go on any of the rides.
Oh, that sounds fun. Count me in.
Really? What? No.
You said you were busy this weekend.
Weren't you going camping with your friends?
They might smoke pot, 'cause that's what Trip's into.
Sounds cool.
It's 4:20 somewhere. Right, Trip?
Puff, puff.
So you can call it "ISIS" or "ISIL,"
but not "icicle."
'Kay.
Hey, I saw your mom and Trip
doing tai chi in the parking lot.
Yeah, she's real Team Trip all of a sudden,
and I'm going crazy trying to figure out why.
He wrote in a peace sign for president.
What if it had won? Who would have made the laws?
So your mom likes your boyfriend.
Why is that a problem?
Because I can still hear her voice in my head
pointing out all the things that are wrong with him,
only now I can't argue with her about it.
Well, maybe she doesn't love him.
Maybe she's just pretending so you'll go crazy and dump him.
What? No.
She's not that smart.
Well, does your mom watch soap operas?
Because that's exactly what Marlena did
on "Days of Our Lives" last week.
So by pretending to like Sylvester,
I will trick Belle into breaking up with him.
Great plan.
Except...
Sylvester!
Do you think my mom is using
a soap opera reverse psychology plan to get me to dump Trip?
I get all my plans from soaps.
Darnell thinks he's cheating on me
with my twin sister, Mortia.
Oh, you're good, Carol Wendelson,
but I'm better.
You didn't get in my head after all.
I got in yours.
You have problems.
Yes, this is Mortia.
♪ Do, do, do, makin' nachos ♪
♪ Do, do, do, for my friends ♪
♪ Do, do, do ♪
What do you think you're doing?
♪ Do, do, do, makin' nachos ♪
I'm sorry, I'm gonna... I'm gonna help clean that up.
I meant what are you doing with Trip?
You're using reverse psychology to try and get me
to break up with him, like on "Days of Our Lives"!
That's ridiculous. I haven't seen that show
since Marlena became an intern at her daughter's job.
I truly, really like your boyfriend.
You do? Why?
How much do you know about Trip?
Because I did a little digging online.
Unfortunately, his Instagram was all refugee photos
and links to charities.
But then I found his grandma's obituary.
Jackpot.
Turns out he has a sister who's on Facebook,
so I made a fake account and became friends with her.
Cha-ching!
A little type-type here,
a little catfishing of Trip's dad there,
and, ta-da, I knew everything about him.
Who took all the computers?
Ugh. Okay, I should have known.
What did you find?
Oh. I think I should butt out.
I wouldn't want to "ruin your relationship"
with all my amazing discoveries.
You're really not gonna tell me?
I thought you said you didn't want me in your head,
even though you were in my womb
for nine months stealing my food.
Fine, don't tell me. I don't want to know.
It's good!
Hey, Chuck, made you some nachos that haven't been on the floor.
Oh. Thank you, Carol.
Oh, you couldn't get me to South Sudan
for all the Lladrós in Angie's hutch.
Oh. I'm excited to go.
It'll be hot, uh, scary.
You know, there's a warlord there who's an actual tiger,
so that'll be, uh... That'll be fun.
Chuck, if you don't want to go, don't go.
Tell Greg you're tired and you don't wanna.
That's what I tell Dave on Valentine's Day.
Even if I didn't want to go... And I definitely do...
I can't back out now.
What would all those people think of me?
Let me tell you a story.
There was a hair I used to tweeze...
A different example, Carol.
There was a Christmas newsletter I used to write,
and I would struggle to make my family
seem better than the Joneses.
Not the Joneses... One son's a car thief,
the other does improv.
Anyway, I hated writing that letter.
And then I realized the only reason I was doing it
was to impress other people, so I decided to be honest.
Last year, I wrote about my very long nipple hair.
Thank you, Carol.
Maybe I will tell Greg that I'm not going.
Because damn it, I'm too old to care
about what other people think of me.
Did that sound cool?
Yes!
How can you live in a place like this?
Justin, come on,
we have a show to do. We can't keep watching
these videos, okay? Just five more.
Reporting live, this is Chuck P...
Incoming!
Incoming! Get down!
It was a bird, Chuck.
But with a really sharp beak!
Look at his little face.
But the old folks in this village
still make the cheese partly with their...
Oh, my God, get away from me.
Iraqi lion!
Uh, I denounce
the United States of America!
Please tell Saddam Hussein
that I will be one of his beautiful brides!
I don't like being uncomfortable.
It's not as good...
as being really comfortable.
Oh, God, I hate it here.
I don't ever want to come to a place like this again.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Uh, we were watching porn together.
Yeah, it's something we do.
How dare you sit there and judge me, Greg?
And other guy?
You two have no idea what war is like.
It's scary.
And, yes, grown men scream for their mothers,
and it's not all heroic John Wayne
and fearless Mel Gibson in "Braveheart."
Sometimes it's insane Mel Gibson yelling about a jacuzzi.
But you two wouldn't know that
because you're both doughy pissants
who've never been outside your cushy offices,
and you cry when the coffee machine
runs out of water!
Greg is like that.
You got scared last SantaCon, thinking it was "The Purge."
I wasn't wrong. Two elves punched me in the sack
and took my pizza!
Well, you two will never know what it's like,
because you're both too chicken to go to South Sudan.
But I'm not.
You been really quiet all through dinner tonight.
Oh, thank you. I've been working
with my dentist on not making Scooby-Doo sounds
when I eat, so...
Oh.
A text from your mom.
She and Dave decided they are going to Chili's tonight.
- Oh. - Great.
She really likes you, you know.
It's almost like she knows something secret about you.
Oh. She's getting a Cadillac Margarita.
- Eh. - Classic Carol.
Hey, you know, you and I don't know each other that well,
so let's play one of those games where we just, like,
ask each other fun questions. I'll go first.
Are you secretly a doctor?
Nope, don't believe in doctors.
I just go to an Asian guy who makes me eat a powder.
- Cool. Cool. - Yeah.
Are you related to anyone famous?
No, but this is gonna blow your mind.
Did you know that everyone is related to Kevin Bacon
by six degrees?
- Wow. - I know.
Do you have a tickets hookup to "The View"?
Is your father Rico Chico, heir to the Chico's empire?
No.
Katie, what's going on?
You like me, your mom likes me.
- Yeah. - Why are you being so weird?
I don't know, I'm sorry.
Oh, God.
RaÃºl Castro is refusing to yield the floor at the UN...
until they validate his parking.
I should get down there. I'll call you.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well, well, well, a bag full of secrets.
No, no, I don't care. That would be crossing a line.
Stop talking to yourself out loud.
Katie, people are looking at you.
You're still doing it. Just stop.
There you go. Good job, Katie.
Well, I feel awful about how things went with Chuck today.
Yeah. He got so mad.
Like my Grandma when we took her car from her.
Why didn't we wait until she got home?
We just... left her in that field.
Still, Chuck had no right to question our manhood.
- Yeah. - He's lucky I didn't
challenge him to fisticuffs.
Anyway, why did you want to see me?
What? No.
I got a email you wanted to see me.
Air raid! Air raid!
- Air raid! - What the hell?
How do you like war now?
- He's gone insane! - Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ah! - Oh, God!
Incoming!
Why is he doing this?
I wanted to die at McDonald's!
Fire in the hole!
Mr. Pierce, what were you thinking?
Throwing firecrackers at your co-workers,
causing them to wet themselves?
For the record, that was Greg.
I did something else.
Obviously, Mr. Pierce, due to your unstable behavior,
your trip overseas has been canceled.
But you don't understand.
I want to go! This is outrageous!
I'll get you for this, Greg,
and, uh, I want to say "Terry," but that can't be right.
Please, don't threaten them in front of me.
So much paperwork.
Oh, thank God. You're safe.
Charlie, you're safe.
Get me a cup of coffee. And spill it on yourself.
Ah. Look at my little girl,
hard at work at...
Dave's daughter, what is this?
It finally happened. I'm just like you, Mom.
Yay. We can get matching sweatshirts.
No, it's not a good thing.
Not knowing why you like Trip was driving me so insane
that I stole his backpack and I stayed up all night
and I looked through all his stuff...
His mail, confidential records, his Internet search history.
And then my sweater got caught on some thumbtack,
so that's what all that is, but I finally figured it out.
Isn't it wonderful?
- He's rich. - His mother is dead.
What?
He's rich?
I knew his mother was dead.
I was just excited to be the only mom
- and get all the holidays... - Oh.
But I didn't know he was rich.
How rich is he?
Rich, like I got rejected
from the college his family started.
Hot dog!
I thought he was just a regular old orphan.
I didn't know that he was Bruce Wayne.
♪ We're in the money, we're in the money ♪
♪ And at the wedding, I will wear a dress of gold ♪
No, no, no, no, Mom, there's not gonna be a wedding,
There's never gonna be a wedding,
because I'm incapable of having a happy relationship.
Now, stop that. You snap out of it.
He is perfect for both of us.
No, Mom, because even when you're not pointing out
my boyfriend's flaws, I can still hear your voice
in my head saying all the things that are wrong with him,
and not just the tattoos, or that he's always bragging
about not watching TV, but then why do you have a hat
with the stupid baby from "Family Guy" on it?
Okay, honey, it seems like there's a lot of things
that you don't like about him.
Maybe it's not my voice in your head.
Maybe it's yours.
What the hell is this?
I found your backpack.
Cool, my bank statement.
You know, this is why I don't tell girlfriends
my family has money.
I want to make sure they're interested in me, The Tripster.
Oh, that's another thing, he calls himself The Tripster.
- What? - Okay, Trip,
I have to stop blaming all of my relationship problems
on my mom.
Maybe she was just pointing things out to me
about my boyfriends that I knew all along
but I just didn't want to admit.
So I'm really sorry, but this is over.
Yeah, no kidding. You're a psychotic nutjob.
You both are.
You two belong in the Witherbelle
Mental Asylum for the Insane.
And, you know, I kind of expected this from Katie,
but not from you, Carol.
You broke my heart.
- I know. - I thought he was gonna be
the one.
I thought we were gonna be together forever.
Mm, but there's
- plenty of fish in the sea. - Ah!
- Ah! No! - Okay.
So if I lock Justin and Greg in a room
and I throw firecrackers at them,
people will think that I am crazy.
That way, I won't have to go to South Sudan,
and nobody will ever know that I was afraid.
Great plan, except...
Oh!
Sylvester!