1 00:00:12,784 --> 00:00:15,657 No. Uh, Katie? It's Trip. 2 00:00:16,187 --> 00:00:18,955 Trip? Uh, I thought you were in Syria. 3 00:00:19,023 --> 00:00:20,355 I'm gonna buzz you in. 4 00:00:26,712 --> 00:00:28,705 Hey. Sorry I woke you up. 5 00:00:28,730 --> 00:00:29,729 Who's "Dave"? 6 00:00:29,754 --> 00:00:31,298 It's my dad. 7 00:00:31,337 --> 00:00:33,364 This was too big for my mom, so I... 8 00:00:33,422 --> 00:00:35,488 No, I mean, I won it at Dave & Buster's. 9 00:00:35,513 --> 00:00:37,446 Hi, I'm so happy you're here! 10 00:00:37,489 --> 00:00:38,308 Mmm. 11 00:00:38,377 --> 00:00:40,377 - So good to see you. - You too. 12 00:00:40,445 --> 00:00:42,112 So wait, how long are you in town for? 13 00:00:42,180 --> 00:00:44,214 Sadly, just a couple weeks while I put together 14 00:00:44,283 --> 00:00:45,982 this long-form Syria piece for the show. 15 00:00:46,051 --> 00:00:47,884 Wait, a couple weeks at MMN? 16 00:00:47,953 --> 00:00:49,252 - Yeah. - Oh, my God. 17 00:00:49,321 --> 00:00:51,755 Okay, there's something I need to tell you. 18 00:00:51,823 --> 00:00:53,123 My mom works there now. 19 00:00:53,191 --> 00:00:54,479 Is that a problem? 20 00:00:54,558 --> 00:00:56,761 100% yes. 21 00:00:57,051 --> 00:01:00,097 Listen, things with us are just really great. 22 00:01:00,165 --> 00:01:01,965 I like you and you're often out of town 23 00:01:02,034 --> 00:01:04,634 so my pube game can be a little devil-may-care. 24 00:01:04,703 --> 00:01:06,202 I like you too. 25 00:01:06,271 --> 00:01:08,104 Well, until you said that last thing, but... 26 00:01:08,173 --> 00:01:10,840 I just... I don't want my mom to find out about us 27 00:01:10,909 --> 00:01:11,942 and ruin it like she's ruined 28 00:01:12,010 --> 00:01:13,276 literally every other relationship 29 00:01:13,345 --> 00:01:14,844 that I've ever been in. 30 00:01:14,913 --> 00:01:16,046 Hey, if you don't want your mom to know, 31 00:01:16,114 --> 00:01:17,647 she won't know. 32 00:01:17,716 --> 00:01:19,082 This is Carol Wendelson we're talking about. 33 00:01:19,151 --> 00:01:20,917 She knows everything about everyone. 34 00:01:20,986 --> 00:01:23,954 That's why in high school they called her Deep Throat. 35 00:01:24,022 --> 00:01:25,355 Boy, I hope that's why. 36 00:01:29,259 --> 00:01:32,119 Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com 37 00:01:32,197 --> 00:01:34,297 Oh. Excuse me. Good morning. 38 00:01:34,366 --> 00:01:37,000 Ooh, who's that? Is that a new intern? 39 00:01:37,069 --> 00:01:39,302 I'm gonna haze him so bad! 40 00:01:39,371 --> 00:01:41,171 I heard that in some black fraternities... 41 00:01:41,239 --> 00:01:43,707 Who, him? No, that's, uh, Trent. 42 00:01:43,775 --> 00:01:45,608 I think he's a freelance photographer. 43 00:01:45,677 --> 00:01:47,110 Trent or Tronk, maybe? 44 00:01:47,179 --> 00:01:49,179 Good morning, everyone, and a big welcome back 45 00:01:49,247 --> 00:01:50,513 to Trip Parker who's just returned from Syria. 46 00:01:50,582 --> 00:01:51,781 Oh. 47 00:01:51,850 --> 00:01:53,883 Well, hello. Thank you. 48 00:01:53,952 --> 00:01:55,518 Where he managed to keep working out, didn't he? 49 00:01:55,587 --> 00:01:56,753 - Oh. - Oh, my. 50 00:01:56,822 --> 00:01:58,888 I do CrossFit Junior. 51 00:02:00,058 --> 00:02:01,891 I'm just glad to be back home safe. 52 00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,060 Last week, I was embedded with an SDF unit 53 00:02:04,129 --> 00:02:05,662 - near Aleppo, and... - God, I miss being 54 00:02:05,731 --> 00:02:09,165 in the field! Bosnia, Iraq, Chechnya. 55 00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:11,101 The West Village on Halloween. 56 00:02:11,169 --> 00:02:14,137 You're holding hands with death, my friends, 57 00:02:14,206 --> 00:02:15,672 but you don't even think about it, 58 00:02:15,741 --> 00:02:18,308 because there's a job to do, damn it. 59 00:02:18,377 --> 00:02:20,443 Chuck, you miss the field? 60 00:02:20,512 --> 00:02:22,379 Last year, we arranged for you to go to South Sudan, 61 00:02:22,447 --> 00:02:24,047 but you said you had tickets to a magic show. 62 00:02:24,116 --> 00:02:25,982 Those tickets were nonrefundable. 63 00:02:26,051 --> 00:02:27,650 Well, they were refundable, 64 00:02:27,719 --> 00:02:29,452 but there was a fee! 65 00:02:29,521 --> 00:02:31,521 Oh, I haven't talked for so long. 66 00:02:31,590 --> 00:02:32,889 Well, Trip, why don't you and Justin 67 00:02:32,958 --> 00:02:34,391 go through your footage in the edit bay? 68 00:02:34,459 --> 00:02:35,725 - Okay. - Quick warning. 69 00:02:35,794 --> 00:02:37,027 Just before this meeting, I think I saw 70 00:02:37,095 --> 00:02:39,062 a fat janitor go in there and fart. 71 00:02:39,131 --> 00:02:41,531 Yeah, I think that's what that is. 72 00:02:44,870 --> 00:02:48,405 That Trip is so handsome. 73 00:02:48,473 --> 00:02:49,618 Is he? 74 00:02:50,375 --> 00:02:51,674 Oh. 75 00:02:51,743 --> 00:02:53,810 Somebody dressed up today. 76 00:02:56,715 --> 00:02:58,515 Go. Move it! 77 00:02:58,583 --> 00:02:59,783 Ooh, glass. 78 00:02:59,851 --> 00:03:01,351 Oh, sorry, sorry. 79 00:03:01,420 --> 00:03:02,916 Ah! More glass! 80 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,524 See, Corey? That's why we practice. 81 00:03:11,397 --> 00:03:14,364 She knows. She knows. My mom knows about us. 82 00:03:14,875 --> 00:03:16,074 How? 83 00:03:16,099 --> 00:03:17,490 No, I didn't. 84 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,930 But now I do. 85 00:03:24,845 --> 00:03:26,845 You have a secret boyfriend? 86 00:03:26,971 --> 00:03:29,150 Trip, this is my mother. 87 00:03:29,190 --> 00:03:30,656 - Nice to meet you, Carol. - Mrs. Wendelson. Miss... 88 00:03:30,725 --> 00:03:32,091 No, call me Carol. 89 00:03:32,160 --> 00:03:34,393 Why would you treat me with any more respect 90 00:03:34,462 --> 00:03:35,661 than you'd treat a dog? 91 00:03:35,730 --> 00:03:36,996 - Mm-hmm. Okay. - Okay. 92 00:03:40,768 --> 00:03:42,468 M'kay, look, I get that you're mad. 93 00:03:42,537 --> 00:03:43,736 How did I not know? 94 00:03:43,805 --> 00:03:46,439 Oh, this job. I'm so distracted. 95 00:03:46,507 --> 00:03:48,007 God, what else have I missed? 96 00:03:48,076 --> 00:03:50,376 ♪ Happy birthday, dear Dave ♪ 97 00:03:50,445 --> 00:03:52,261 ♪ Happy birthday to me ♪ 98 00:03:52,947 --> 00:03:54,513 Fine. You want to know the reason 99 00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:55,915 why I didn't tell you about Trip? 100 00:03:55,983 --> 00:03:57,783 Because I didn't want you to ruin it. 101 00:03:57,852 --> 00:03:59,485 - Ruin it? - Yeah, Mom. 102 00:03:59,554 --> 00:04:02,154 All I've ever wanted is for you to like one of my boyfriends, 103 00:04:02,223 --> 00:04:04,056 and you never have. You are the reason 104 00:04:04,125 --> 00:04:06,492 I broke up with Jeff, Ethan, Carl. 105 00:04:06,561 --> 00:04:08,761 Jeff was a mouth breather, and Ethan, 106 00:04:08,830 --> 00:04:11,430 he wouldn't even engage on the whole Judaism thing, 107 00:04:11,499 --> 00:04:13,332 and "Carl" is too close to "Carol." 108 00:04:13,401 --> 00:04:15,034 - That'd be weird! - See? 109 00:04:15,103 --> 00:04:16,702 It doesn't matter if I like a guy, 110 00:04:16,771 --> 00:04:20,239 you find a problem, and then that's all I can see. 111 00:04:20,308 --> 00:04:22,508 Well, then fine, I won't tell you that Trip... 112 00:04:22,577 --> 00:04:24,110 Butt out. 113 00:04:24,178 --> 00:04:25,845 I don't want you in my head. 114 00:04:33,888 --> 00:04:35,855 I think we're almost ready for real glass. 115 00:04:38,860 --> 00:04:41,293 I don't know who first said, "War is Hell," 116 00:04:41,362 --> 00:04:46,165 but according to a very surly trademark lawyer, it wasn't me. 117 00:04:46,234 --> 00:04:47,666 Does Chuck always read from his memoirs? 118 00:04:47,735 --> 00:04:50,035 Mm, I think he's trying to impress you. 119 00:04:50,104 --> 00:04:53,139 Hot stuff coming through, and I don't mean the coffee, 120 00:04:53,207 --> 00:04:55,107 because I stopped at my house and watched 121 00:04:55,176 --> 00:04:57,910 all of "Chicago Fire," so it's cold. 122 00:04:57,979 --> 00:04:59,779 - Here you go, doll. - Oh, thanks. 123 00:04:59,847 --> 00:05:02,663 - Ahem! - Speaking of hot stuff, 124 00:05:03,050 --> 00:05:08,654 "1989, Panama. I found myself embedded in more ways than one. 125 00:05:08,723 --> 00:05:10,823 I'm talking sex, baby." 126 00:05:10,892 --> 00:05:13,425 Panama? Were you embedded with the 82nd? 127 00:05:13,494 --> 00:05:15,327 I was embedded with the 69th in Afghanistan... 128 00:05:15,396 --> 00:05:16,428 - Oh, maybe... - Got this little tattoo 129 00:05:16,497 --> 00:05:17,396 to honor them. 130 00:05:17,465 --> 00:05:19,799 - "Forever 69"? - Yeah. 131 00:05:20,635 --> 00:05:21,744 Cool. 132 00:05:21,787 --> 00:05:23,990 You know what? That's what I miss the most. 133 00:05:24,089 --> 00:05:28,559 The men... every last one of those guys had my butt. 134 00:05:28,627 --> 00:05:30,928 I know how that sounded. I meant to say "back." 135 00:05:30,996 --> 00:05:32,563 Chuck's right. You need good people around you 136 00:05:32,631 --> 00:05:34,398 when you're in the soup. 137 00:05:34,966 --> 00:05:36,533 I may not believe in God, but I sure as hell 138 00:05:36,608 --> 00:05:38,141 believe in my fellow man. 139 00:05:38,190 --> 00:05:40,103 You're an atheist? 140 00:05:40,172 --> 00:05:41,471 Amen to that. 141 00:05:41,540 --> 00:05:43,774 Or... not amen. 142 00:05:43,842 --> 00:05:46,951 Hey, Mom? Can I just talk to you really quick? 143 00:05:47,674 --> 00:05:49,713 "1977, The Bronx. 144 00:05:49,782 --> 00:05:52,316 I had an idea for a new type of music." 145 00:05:52,418 --> 00:05:54,152 Chuck, if you're serious about getting back in the field, 146 00:05:54,177 --> 00:05:56,049 then you should go to South Sudan. 147 00:05:56,074 --> 00:05:57,782 They need experienced journalists. 148 00:05:59,102 --> 00:06:00,591 Listen up, everyone. 149 00:06:00,659 --> 00:06:04,161 Trip here has reawakened the call of the wild within me. 150 00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:07,464 Next week, I, Chuck Pierce, will return to the field, 151 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,132 reporting live from... 152 00:06:09,201 --> 00:06:10,601 ♪ Dum, dum, dum ♪ 153 00:06:10,669 --> 00:06:11,935 South Sudan. 154 00:06:12,004 --> 00:06:13,437 Yes! 155 00:06:13,505 --> 00:06:15,005 This is gonna be great for the show. 156 00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:16,340 We can start running promos immediately. 157 00:06:16,408 --> 00:06:18,075 Chuck, you are my hero. 158 00:06:18,143 --> 00:06:21,178 No, Greg, the real heroes are the brave men and women 159 00:06:21,247 --> 00:06:24,314 who are out there every day, doing the impossible. 160 00:06:24,383 --> 00:06:26,516 - The troops. - Magicians. 161 00:06:29,246 --> 00:06:32,313 Okay, what is your game? And don't say canasta. 162 00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:35,150 You with your "cool, 69s" and "not amens." 163 00:06:35,218 --> 00:06:36,418 I'm on to you. No, I'm not. 164 00:06:36,486 --> 00:06:37,585 What is happening? 165 00:06:37,654 --> 00:06:39,220 Do you need me for this argument? 166 00:06:39,289 --> 00:06:41,322 I know you. You are just dying to say it. 167 00:06:41,391 --> 00:06:43,224 "Trip has a tattoo, he hates God, 168 00:06:43,293 --> 00:06:45,760 men shouldn't wear bracelets, dangerous jobs are for Turks." 169 00:06:45,829 --> 00:06:47,729 So let's just have it out. Why should I break up with him? 170 00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:51,132 I didn't notice any of that. I like him. 171 00:06:51,201 --> 00:06:53,068 Wait, you like him? 172 00:06:53,136 --> 00:06:55,070 How? He has so many flaws. 173 00:06:55,138 --> 00:06:57,172 I guess I don't judge people by their appearance. 174 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,507 That is all you do. You were a judge 175 00:06:59,576 --> 00:07:01,910 at my high school's Hot Body contest. 176 00:07:01,978 --> 00:07:03,445 Wait, why did you organize that? 177 00:07:03,513 --> 00:07:06,181 That was a fundraiser, and you're just mad you lost. 178 00:07:06,249 --> 00:07:07,916 You said to me, "The only thing I want is 179 00:07:07,984 --> 00:07:11,352 for you to like my boyfriend." Well, now I do. 180 00:07:11,421 --> 00:07:12,821 - Hey, Katie. - Hi. 181 00:07:12,889 --> 00:07:13,955 - Ready to get out of here? - Mm-hmm. 182 00:07:14,024 --> 00:07:15,190 Oh, how about I drive you kids 183 00:07:15,258 --> 00:07:17,292 to your pad so you can do your "thang"? 184 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:18,760 - No. - Sure. 185 00:07:18,829 --> 00:07:20,261 Come on, Trip, you can pick the music, 186 00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:22,063 as long as it's from the '70s. 187 00:07:24,717 --> 00:07:26,250 Are you done with those promos yet? 188 00:07:26,318 --> 00:07:27,518 If I don't get home soon, 189 00:07:27,594 --> 00:07:28,960 there'll be hell to pay with my cat. 190 00:07:29,021 --> 00:07:30,722 Y-you shouldn't say stuff like that. 191 00:07:30,991 --> 00:07:33,659 Anyway, you have a little problem with the promos. 192 00:07:33,727 --> 00:07:35,260 Check it out. 193 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:38,030 I was digging through Chuck's old footage from Gulf War I. 194 00:07:38,098 --> 00:07:39,831 You're gonna want to see this. 195 00:07:41,302 --> 00:07:43,669 Why are you showing me a frightened Iraqi woman? 196 00:07:43,737 --> 00:07:44,803 That's Chuck. 197 00:07:44,872 --> 00:07:46,471 Oh, God. 198 00:07:47,875 --> 00:07:50,075 Chuck's a scaredy-cat. 199 00:07:50,144 --> 00:07:52,377 I tracked down the editor who used to cut Chuck's footage 200 00:07:52,446 --> 00:07:54,040 into something usable. 201 00:07:54,581 --> 00:07:58,104 He's at the Witherbelle Mental Asylum for the Insane. 202 00:07:58,686 --> 00:07:59,952 I guess he became an orderly 203 00:08:00,020 --> 00:08:01,787 when he didn't want to edit anymore. 204 00:08:01,855 --> 00:08:03,355 Ah! Is that a camel? 205 00:08:03,424 --> 00:08:05,357 Why is it making so much eye contact? 206 00:08:05,426 --> 00:08:06,391 - Stop. - Oh, Katie. 207 00:08:07,828 --> 00:08:09,528 This reminds me of the time I drove you 208 00:08:09,596 --> 00:08:11,797 and your little friend with the grey tooth to the prom. 209 00:08:11,865 --> 00:08:14,299 Remember? What was his name? Ah, something ethnic. 210 00:08:14,368 --> 00:08:16,134 - Ryan. - Ryan, yes. 211 00:08:16,203 --> 00:08:17,469 He left with another girl 212 00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:18,737 because Katie wouldn't give it up. 213 00:08:18,806 --> 00:08:20,238 - Mom. - That's not a problem anymore. 214 00:08:20,307 --> 00:08:21,673 Right, Trip? Wink. 215 00:08:24,069 --> 00:08:26,745 It's so funny to see you getting along with my boyfriend, 216 00:08:26,814 --> 00:08:29,548 Mom, considering you had the last one deported. 217 00:08:29,616 --> 00:08:31,616 He got a free trip to the Dominican Republic. 218 00:08:31,685 --> 00:08:34,419 People have to go on "Wheel of Fortune" to win that. 219 00:08:34,488 --> 00:08:38,090 Speaking of trips, who wants to go to Six Flags this weekend? 220 00:08:38,158 --> 00:08:41,259 Fair warning, I'm too short to go on any of the rides. 221 00:08:41,328 --> 00:08:42,561 Oh, that sounds fun. Count me in. 222 00:08:42,629 --> 00:08:43,996 Really? What? No. 223 00:08:44,064 --> 00:08:45,430 You said you were busy this weekend. 224 00:08:45,499 --> 00:08:47,399 Weren't you going camping with your friends? 225 00:08:47,468 --> 00:08:49,501 They might smoke pot, 'cause that's what Trip's into. 226 00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:51,003 Sounds cool. 227 00:08:51,071 --> 00:08:53,038 It's 4:20 somewhere. Right, Trip? 228 00:08:53,107 --> 00:08:54,172 Puff, puff. 229 00:08:57,745 --> 00:08:59,878 So you can call it "ISIS" or "ISIL," 230 00:08:59,947 --> 00:09:01,735 but not "icicle." 231 00:09:01,982 --> 00:09:03,215 'Kay. 232 00:09:03,283 --> 00:09:04,316 Hey, I saw your mom and Trip 233 00:09:04,385 --> 00:09:05,984 doing tai chi in the parking lot. 234 00:09:06,053 --> 00:09:08,153 Yeah, she's real Team Trip all of a sudden, 235 00:09:08,222 --> 00:09:10,856 and I'm going crazy trying to figure out why. 236 00:09:10,924 --> 00:09:13,425 He wrote in a peace sign for president. 237 00:09:13,494 --> 00:09:15,560 What if it had won? Who would have made the laws? 238 00:09:15,629 --> 00:09:16,561 So your mom likes your boyfriend. 239 00:09:16,630 --> 00:09:17,896 Why is that a problem? 240 00:09:17,965 --> 00:09:19,631 Because I can still hear her voice in my head 241 00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:21,633 pointing out all the things that are wrong with him, 242 00:09:21,702 --> 00:09:23,702 only now I can't argue with her about it. 243 00:09:23,771 --> 00:09:25,604 Well, maybe she doesn't love him. 244 00:09:25,672 --> 00:09:27,639 Maybe she's just pretending so you'll go crazy and dump him. 245 00:09:27,708 --> 00:09:28,774 What? No. 246 00:09:28,842 --> 00:09:30,275 She's not that smart. 247 00:09:30,344 --> 00:09:31,676 Well, does your mom watch soap operas? 248 00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,378 Because that's exactly what Marlena did 249 00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:34,880 on "Days of Our Lives" last week. 250 00:09:34,948 --> 00:09:37,616 So by pretending to like Sylvester, 251 00:09:37,684 --> 00:09:40,285 I will trick Belle into breaking up with him. 252 00:09:40,354 --> 00:09:41,820 Great plan. 253 00:09:41,889 --> 00:09:43,321 Except... 254 00:09:44,591 --> 00:09:46,105 Sylvester! 255 00:09:46,493 --> 00:09:48,193 Do you think my mom is using 256 00:09:48,262 --> 00:09:50,328 a soap opera reverse psychology plan to get me to dump Trip? 257 00:09:50,397 --> 00:09:51,496 I get all my plans from soaps. 258 00:09:51,565 --> 00:09:53,031 Darnell thinks he's cheating on me 259 00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:54,733 with my twin sister, Mortia. 260 00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:56,750 Oh, you're good, Carol Wendelson, 261 00:09:56,775 --> 00:09:58,041 but I'm better. 262 00:09:58,047 --> 00:09:59,147 You didn't get in my head after all. 263 00:09:59,215 --> 00:10:00,314 I got in yours. 264 00:10:00,383 --> 00:10:02,305 You have problems. 265 00:10:08,539 --> 00:10:10,591 Yes, this is Mortia. 266 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:14,083 ♪ Do, do, do, makin' nachos ♪ 267 00:10:14,290 --> 00:10:16,224 ♪ Do, do, do, for my friends ♪ 268 00:10:16,292 --> 00:10:17,825 ♪ Do, do, do ♪ 269 00:10:18,537 --> 00:10:20,170 What do you think you're doing? 270 00:10:20,267 --> 00:10:22,500 ♪ Do, do, do, makin' nachos ♪ 271 00:10:22,569 --> 00:10:25,070 I'm sorry, I'm gonna... I'm gonna help clean that up. 272 00:10:25,138 --> 00:10:27,105 I meant what are you doing with Trip? 273 00:10:27,174 --> 00:10:29,374 You're using reverse psychology to try and get me 274 00:10:29,443 --> 00:10:31,476 to break up with him, like on "Days of Our Lives"! 275 00:10:31,545 --> 00:10:33,278 That's ridiculous. I haven't seen that show 276 00:10:33,347 --> 00:10:36,114 since Marlena became an intern at her daughter's job. 277 00:10:36,183 --> 00:10:39,250 I truly, really like your boyfriend. 278 00:10:39,319 --> 00:10:41,186 You do? Why? 279 00:10:41,254 --> 00:10:43,188 How much do you know about Trip? 280 00:10:44,355 --> 00:10:46,722 Because I did a little digging online. 281 00:10:46,791 --> 00:10:50,493 Unfortunately, his Instagram was all refugee photos 282 00:10:50,561 --> 00:10:53,529 and links to charities. 283 00:10:53,598 --> 00:10:56,432 But then I found his grandma's obituary. 284 00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:58,006 Jackpot. 285 00:10:58,269 --> 00:11:00,536 Turns out he has a sister who's on Facebook, 286 00:11:00,605 --> 00:11:04,106 so I made a fake account and became friends with her. 287 00:11:04,175 --> 00:11:05,207 Cha-ching! 288 00:11:05,276 --> 00:11:06,842 A little type-type here, 289 00:11:06,911 --> 00:11:09,211 a little catfishing of Trip's dad there, 290 00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:13,816 and, ta-da, I knew everything about him. 291 00:11:13,885 --> 00:11:16,567 Who took all the computers? 292 00:11:17,188 --> 00:11:19,722 Ugh. Okay, I should have known. 293 00:11:19,791 --> 00:11:20,956 What did you find? 294 00:11:21,025 --> 00:11:22,691 Oh. I think I should butt out. 295 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,960 I wouldn't want to "ruin your relationship" 296 00:11:25,029 --> 00:11:27,096 with all my amazing discoveries. 297 00:11:27,165 --> 00:11:29,331 You're really not gonna tell me? 298 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:31,267 I thought you said you didn't want me in your head, 299 00:11:31,335 --> 00:11:32,635 even though you were in my womb 300 00:11:32,703 --> 00:11:34,703 for nine months stealing my food. 301 00:11:34,772 --> 00:11:37,673 Fine, don't tell me. I don't want to know. 302 00:11:37,742 --> 00:11:39,229 It's good! 303 00:11:43,945 --> 00:11:47,116 Hey, Chuck, made you some nachos that haven't been on the floor. 304 00:11:47,185 --> 00:11:48,617 Oh. Thank you, Carol. 305 00:11:48,686 --> 00:11:50,986 Oh, you couldn't get me to South Sudan 306 00:11:51,055 --> 00:11:52,988 for all the Lladrós in Angie's hutch. 307 00:11:53,057 --> 00:11:55,091 Oh. I'm excited to go. 308 00:11:55,159 --> 00:11:57,660 It'll be hot, uh, scary. 309 00:11:57,728 --> 00:12:00,896 You know, there's a warlord there who's an actual tiger, 310 00:12:00,965 --> 00:12:03,699 so that'll be, uh... That'll be fun. 311 00:12:03,768 --> 00:12:07,536 Chuck, if you don't want to go, don't go. 312 00:12:07,605 --> 00:12:10,172 Tell Greg you're tired and you don't wanna. 313 00:12:10,241 --> 00:12:12,575 That's what I tell Dave on Valentine's Day. 314 00:12:12,643 --> 00:12:16,512 Even if I didn't want to go... And I definitely do... 315 00:12:16,581 --> 00:12:17,713 I can't back out now. 316 00:12:17,782 --> 00:12:19,415 What would all those people think of me? 317 00:12:19,484 --> 00:12:21,728 Let me tell you a story. 318 00:12:22,086 --> 00:12:23,953 There was a hair I used to tweeze... 319 00:12:24,021 --> 00:12:25,321 A different example, Carol. 320 00:12:25,389 --> 00:12:27,456 There was a Christmas newsletter I used to write, 321 00:12:27,525 --> 00:12:29,525 and I would struggle to make my family 322 00:12:29,594 --> 00:12:31,260 seem better than the Joneses. 323 00:12:31,329 --> 00:12:33,329 Not the Joneses... One son's a car thief, 324 00:12:33,397 --> 00:12:34,597 the other does improv. 325 00:12:34,665 --> 00:12:37,166 Anyway, I hated writing that letter. 326 00:12:37,235 --> 00:12:39,935 And then I realized the only reason I was doing it 327 00:12:40,004 --> 00:12:44,907 was to impress other people, so I decided to be honest. 328 00:12:44,976 --> 00:12:49,011 Last year, I wrote about my very long nipple hair. 329 00:12:52,245 --> 00:12:53,952 Thank you, Carol. 330 00:12:54,285 --> 00:12:57,086 Maybe I will tell Greg that I'm not going. 331 00:12:57,409 --> 00:12:59,822 Because damn it, I'm too old to care 332 00:12:59,891 --> 00:13:02,158 about what other people think of me. 333 00:13:02,827 --> 00:13:04,005 Did that sound cool? 334 00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:05,027 Yes! 335 00:13:07,798 --> 00:13:09,398 How can you live in a place like this? 336 00:13:09,467 --> 00:13:10,866 Justin, come on, 337 00:13:10,935 --> 00:13:12,401 we have a show to do. We can't keep watching 338 00:13:12,470 --> 00:13:14,403 these videos, okay? Just five more. 339 00:13:14,472 --> 00:13:16,605 Reporting live, this is Chuck P... 340 00:13:16,674 --> 00:13:18,607 Incoming! 341 00:13:18,676 --> 00:13:20,276 Incoming! Get down! 342 00:13:21,779 --> 00:13:23,679 It was a bird, Chuck. 343 00:13:23,748 --> 00:13:25,648 But with a really sharp beak! 344 00:13:25,716 --> 00:13:27,550 Look at his little face. 345 00:13:27,618 --> 00:13:28,951 But the old folks in this village 346 00:13:29,020 --> 00:13:30,786 still make the cheese partly with their... 347 00:13:30,855 --> 00:13:32,621 Oh, my God, get away from me. 348 00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:33,822 Iraqi lion! 349 00:13:33,891 --> 00:13:35,291 Uh, I denounce 350 00:13:35,359 --> 00:13:36,725 the United States of America! 351 00:13:36,794 --> 00:13:38,260 Please tell Saddam Hussein 352 00:13:38,329 --> 00:13:40,329 that I will be one of his beautiful brides! 353 00:13:43,701 --> 00:13:45,434 I don't like being uncomfortable. 354 00:13:45,503 --> 00:13:47,105 It's not as good... 355 00:13:47,997 --> 00:13:49,438 as being really comfortable. 356 00:13:49,507 --> 00:13:51,674 Oh, God, I hate it here. 357 00:13:51,742 --> 00:13:53,209 I don't ever want to come to a place like this again. 358 00:13:53,277 --> 00:13:54,909 What the hell do you think you're doing? 359 00:13:54,972 --> 00:13:57,279 Uh, we were watching porn together. 360 00:13:57,348 --> 00:13:59,114 Yeah, it's something we do. 361 00:13:59,183 --> 00:14:01,951 How dare you sit there and judge me, Greg? 362 00:14:02,019 --> 00:14:03,219 And other guy? 363 00:14:03,287 --> 00:14:06,021 You two have no idea what war is like. 364 00:14:06,090 --> 00:14:07,656 It's scary. 365 00:14:07,725 --> 00:14:10,226 And, yes, grown men scream for their mothers, 366 00:14:10,294 --> 00:14:11,994 and it's not all heroic John Wayne 367 00:14:12,063 --> 00:14:14,230 and fearless Mel Gibson in "Braveheart." 368 00:14:14,298 --> 00:14:17,866 Sometimes it's insane Mel Gibson yelling about a jacuzzi. 369 00:14:17,935 --> 00:14:19,568 But you two wouldn't know that 370 00:14:19,637 --> 00:14:21,003 because you're both doughy pissants 371 00:14:21,072 --> 00:14:23,172 who've never been outside your cushy offices, 372 00:14:23,241 --> 00:14:25,107 and you cry when the coffee machine 373 00:14:25,176 --> 00:14:26,942 runs out of water! 374 00:14:27,011 --> 00:14:29,578 Greg is like that. 375 00:14:29,647 --> 00:14:32,681 You got scared last SantaCon, thinking it was "The Purge." 376 00:14:32,750 --> 00:14:34,583 I wasn't wrong. Two elves punched me in the sack 377 00:14:34,652 --> 00:14:35,985 and took my pizza! 378 00:14:36,053 --> 00:14:37,686 Well, you two will never know what it's like, 379 00:14:37,755 --> 00:14:40,990 because you're both too chicken to go to South Sudan. 380 00:14:41,058 --> 00:14:42,558 But I'm not. 381 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,500 You been really quiet all through dinner tonight. 382 00:14:51,569 --> 00:14:53,335 Oh, thank you. I've been working 383 00:14:53,404 --> 00:14:55,471 with my dentist on not making Scooby-Doo sounds 384 00:14:55,539 --> 00:14:56,872 when I eat, so... 385 00:14:58,242 --> 00:14:59,375 Oh. 386 00:14:59,443 --> 00:15:01,072 A text from your mom. 387 00:15:01,612 --> 00:15:03,979 She and Dave decided they are going to Chili's tonight. 388 00:15:04,048 --> 00:15:05,180 - Oh. - Great. 389 00:15:05,249 --> 00:15:06,859 She really likes you, you know. 390 00:15:06,884 --> 00:15:08,450 It's almost like she knows something secret about you. 391 00:15:10,021 --> 00:15:12,121 Oh. She's getting a Cadillac Margarita. 392 00:15:12,189 --> 00:15:14,151 - Eh. - Classic Carol. 393 00:15:14,458 --> 00:15:17,126 Hey, you know, you and I don't know each other that well, 394 00:15:17,194 --> 00:15:18,794 so let's play one of those games where we just, like, 395 00:15:18,863 --> 00:15:20,796 ask each other fun questions. I'll go first. 396 00:15:20,865 --> 00:15:22,097 Are you secretly a doctor? 397 00:15:22,166 --> 00:15:24,066 Nope, don't believe in doctors. 398 00:15:24,135 --> 00:15:26,168 I just go to an Asian guy who makes me eat a powder. 399 00:15:26,237 --> 00:15:27,403 - Cool. Cool. - Yeah. 400 00:15:27,471 --> 00:15:28,837 Are you related to anyone famous? 401 00:15:28,906 --> 00:15:30,973 No, but this is gonna blow your mind. 402 00:15:31,042 --> 00:15:33,809 Did you know that everyone is related to Kevin Bacon 403 00:15:33,878 --> 00:15:34,977 by six degrees? 404 00:15:35,046 --> 00:15:36,612 - Wow. - I know. 405 00:15:36,681 --> 00:15:38,213 Do you have a tickets hookup to "The View"? 406 00:15:38,282 --> 00:15:40,683 Is your father Rico Chico, heir to the Chico's empire? 407 00:15:40,751 --> 00:15:41,850 No. 408 00:15:41,919 --> 00:15:42,985 Katie, what's going on? 409 00:15:43,054 --> 00:15:44,553 You like me, your mom likes me. 410 00:15:44,622 --> 00:15:47,022 - Yeah. - Why are you being so weird? 411 00:15:47,091 --> 00:15:48,757 I don't know, I'm sorry. 412 00:15:50,127 --> 00:15:51,210 Oh, God. 413 00:15:51,796 --> 00:15:54,997 Raúl Castro is refusing to yield the floor at the UN... 414 00:15:55,066 --> 00:15:56,665 until they validate his parking. 415 00:15:56,734 --> 00:15:58,170 I should get down there. I'll call you. 416 00:15:58,195 --> 00:15:59,802 Mm-hmm. Yeah. 417 00:16:06,592 --> 00:16:09,604 Well, well, well, a bag full of secrets. 418 00:16:10,283 --> 00:16:13,137 No, no, I don't care. That would be crossing a line. 419 00:16:13,484 --> 00:16:15,184 Stop talking to yourself out loud. 420 00:16:15,252 --> 00:16:17,227 Katie, people are looking at you. 421 00:16:17,854 --> 00:16:19,855 You're still doing it. Just stop. 422 00:16:21,409 --> 00:16:24,360 There you go. Good job, Katie. 423 00:16:30,214 --> 00:16:32,723 Well, I feel awful about how things went with Chuck today. 424 00:16:32,885 --> 00:16:34,217 Yeah. He got so mad. 425 00:16:34,286 --> 00:16:36,152 Like my Grandma when we took her car from her. 426 00:16:36,221 --> 00:16:38,088 Why didn't we wait until she got home? 427 00:16:38,718 --> 00:16:41,157 We just... left her in that field. 428 00:16:41,226 --> 00:16:43,393 Still, Chuck had no right to question our manhood. 429 00:16:43,462 --> 00:16:44,867 - Yeah. - He's lucky I didn't 430 00:16:44,953 --> 00:16:46,830 challenge him to fisticuffs. 431 00:16:47,094 --> 00:16:48,831 Anyway, why did you want to see me? 432 00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:50,300 What? No. 433 00:16:50,369 --> 00:16:52,302 I got a email you wanted to see me. 434 00:16:53,872 --> 00:16:56,039 Air raid! Air raid! 435 00:16:56,108 --> 00:16:57,307 - Air raid! - What the hell? 436 00:17:03,636 --> 00:17:05,536 How do you like war now? 437 00:17:05,587 --> 00:17:08,251 - He's gone insane! - Ha-ha-ha-ha! 438 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,053 - Ah! - Oh, God! 439 00:17:10,122 --> 00:17:11,855 Incoming! 440 00:17:13,425 --> 00:17:14,925 Why is he doing this? 441 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,226 I wanted to die at McDonald's! 442 00:17:17,996 --> 00:17:19,262 Fire in the hole! 443 00:17:20,332 --> 00:17:22,332 Mr. Pierce, what were you thinking? 444 00:17:22,401 --> 00:17:24,334 Throwing firecrackers at your co-workers, 445 00:17:24,403 --> 00:17:26,877 causing them to wet themselves? 446 00:17:26,956 --> 00:17:29,139 For the record, that was Greg. 447 00:17:29,585 --> 00:17:31,543 I did something else. 448 00:17:32,044 --> 00:17:34,144 Obviously, Mr. Pierce, due to your unstable behavior, 449 00:17:34,212 --> 00:17:36,479 your trip overseas has been canceled. 450 00:17:36,548 --> 00:17:38,048 But you don't understand. 451 00:17:38,116 --> 00:17:40,216 I want to go! This is outrageous! 452 00:17:40,285 --> 00:17:42,712 I'll get you for this, Greg, 453 00:17:42,775 --> 00:17:45,910 and, uh, I want to say "Terry," but that can't be right. 454 00:17:45,971 --> 00:17:47,871 Please, don't threaten them in front of me. 455 00:17:47,915 --> 00:17:49,582 So much paperwork. 456 00:17:52,130 --> 00:17:55,231 Oh, thank God. You're safe. 457 00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:57,058 Charlie, you're safe. 458 00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:01,538 Get me a cup of coffee. And spill it on yourself. 459 00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:05,508 Ah. Look at my little girl, 460 00:18:05,577 --> 00:18:07,143 hard at work at... 461 00:18:10,042 --> 00:18:12,114 Dave's daughter, what is this? 462 00:18:14,419 --> 00:18:17,632 It finally happened. I'm just like you, Mom. 463 00:18:17,961 --> 00:18:20,828 Yay. We can get matching sweatshirts. 464 00:18:20,860 --> 00:18:23,027 No, it's not a good thing. 465 00:18:23,096 --> 00:18:25,796 Not knowing why you like Trip was driving me so insane 466 00:18:25,865 --> 00:18:28,799 that I stole his backpack and I stayed up all night 467 00:18:28,868 --> 00:18:30,301 and I looked through all his stuff... 468 00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:33,771 His mail, confidential records, his Internet search history. 469 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:36,173 And then my sweater got caught on some thumbtack, 470 00:18:36,242 --> 00:18:39,777 so that's what all that is, but I finally figured it out. 471 00:18:39,846 --> 00:18:41,178 Isn't it wonderful? 472 00:18:41,247 --> 00:18:42,913 - He's rich. - His mother is dead. 473 00:18:42,938 --> 00:18:43,914 What? 474 00:18:43,983 --> 00:18:45,050 He's rich? 475 00:18:45,415 --> 00:18:46,881 I knew his mother was dead. 476 00:18:46,950 --> 00:18:48,883 I was just excited to be the only mom 477 00:18:48,952 --> 00:18:50,452 - and get all the holidays... - Oh. 478 00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,387 But I didn't know he was rich. 479 00:18:52,456 --> 00:18:53,521 How rich is he? 480 00:18:53,590 --> 00:18:54,956 Rich, like I got rejected 481 00:18:55,025 --> 00:18:56,891 from the college his family started. 482 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,560 Hot dog! 483 00:18:58,628 --> 00:19:00,495 I thought he was just a regular old orphan. 484 00:19:00,564 --> 00:19:02,564 I didn't know that he was Bruce Wayne. 485 00:19:02,632 --> 00:19:06,001 ♪ We're in the money, we're in the money ♪ 486 00:19:06,069 --> 00:19:08,737 ♪ And at the wedding, I will wear a dress of gold ♪ 487 00:19:08,805 --> 00:19:11,373 No, no, no, no, Mom, there's not gonna be a wedding, 488 00:19:11,441 --> 00:19:12,907 There's never gonna be a wedding, 489 00:19:12,976 --> 00:19:14,909 because I'm incapable of having a happy relationship. 490 00:19:14,978 --> 00:19:16,511 Now, stop that. You snap out of it. 491 00:19:16,580 --> 00:19:18,446 He is perfect for both of us. 492 00:19:18,448 --> 00:19:21,549 No, Mom, because even when you're not pointing out 493 00:19:21,618 --> 00:19:23,585 my boyfriend's flaws, I can still hear your voice 494 00:19:23,653 --> 00:19:26,588 in my head saying all the things that are wrong with him, 495 00:19:26,690 --> 00:19:28,923 and not just the tattoos, or that he's always bragging 496 00:19:28,992 --> 00:19:31,526 about not watching TV, but then why do you have a hat 497 00:19:31,595 --> 00:19:33,561 with the stupid baby from "Family Guy" on it? 498 00:19:33,630 --> 00:19:35,730 Okay, honey, it seems like there's a lot of things 499 00:19:35,799 --> 00:19:37,599 that you don't like about him. 500 00:19:37,667 --> 00:19:39,034 Maybe it's not my voice in your head. 501 00:19:39,102 --> 00:19:40,995 Maybe it's yours. 502 00:19:41,438 --> 00:19:43,001 What the hell is this? 503 00:19:44,143 --> 00:19:45,397 I found your backpack. 504 00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:47,670 Cool, my bank statement. 505 00:19:48,445 --> 00:19:49,744 You know, this is why I don't tell girlfriends 506 00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:51,746 my family has money. 507 00:19:51,815 --> 00:19:55,417 I want to make sure they're interested in me, The Tripster. 508 00:19:55,485 --> 00:19:57,952 Oh, that's another thing, he calls himself The Tripster. 509 00:19:58,021 --> 00:20:00,021 - What? - Okay, Trip, 510 00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:03,691 I have to stop blaming all of my relationship problems 511 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,078 on my mom. 512 00:20:05,563 --> 00:20:07,595 Maybe she was just pointing things out to me 513 00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:09,497 about my boyfriends that I knew all along 514 00:20:09,499 --> 00:20:11,614 but I just didn't want to admit. 515 00:20:12,035 --> 00:20:15,770 So I'm really sorry, but this is over. 516 00:20:17,707 --> 00:20:19,874 Yeah, no kidding. You're a psychotic nutjob. 517 00:20:19,943 --> 00:20:21,543 You both are. 518 00:20:21,611 --> 00:20:22,644 You two belong in the Witherbelle 519 00:20:22,704 --> 00:20:24,404 Mental Asylum for the Insane. 520 00:20:26,066 --> 00:20:27,849 And, you know, I kind of expected this from Katie, 521 00:20:27,918 --> 00:20:29,562 but not from you, Carol. 522 00:20:30,487 --> 00:20:32,654 You broke my heart. 523 00:20:34,724 --> 00:20:36,658 - I know. - I thought he was gonna be 524 00:20:36,726 --> 00:20:37,714 the one. 525 00:20:41,098 --> 00:20:43,531 I thought we were gonna be together forever. 526 00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:44,599 Mm, but there's 527 00:20:44,668 --> 00:20:46,701 - plenty of fish in the sea. - Ah! 528 00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:49,838 - Ah! No! - Okay. 529 00:20:49,906 --> 00:20:52,674 So if I lock Justin and Greg in a room 530 00:20:52,742 --> 00:20:54,542 and I throw firecrackers at them, 531 00:20:54,611 --> 00:20:56,481 people will think that I am crazy. 532 00:20:57,013 --> 00:20:59,914 That way, I won't have to go to South Sudan, 533 00:20:59,983 --> 00:21:02,584 and nobody will ever know that I was afraid. 534 00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:05,005 Great plan, except... 535 00:21:05,489 --> 00:21:07,589 Oh! 536 00:21:07,649 --> 00:21:09,082 Sylvester!