- Hey, Mom. - Good morning.
Oh, Katie, I have so much to tell you.
So we went out for the other Carol's birthday,
and I bought her a top from Chico's.
And then she opens Angie's present.
You are not going to believe this.
- It was the same top? - It was the same top!
Different color though. She's keeping them both.
That new "Bachelorette" gets on my nerves.
Who wears a bikini top to a wine tasting?
And why does she keep bringing up her dead brother?
Mom, I gotta go, I'm gonna miss my bus.
Well, you know, you wouldn't have to commute
if you lived in New Jersey.
Your old room is just the way you left it,
so your father can sleep in there
and you can sleep in the big bed with me.
No, Mom, I love New York. The energy, the glamour...
Ugh! Ew!
Did that rat just jump or did somebody throw that at me?
I saw the show last night. Which segment was yours?
I produced the one about Halloween costumes for obese pets.
Oh, it was good!
Ooh, I liked the dog that was a fat Dracula.
No, Mom, I've been at this show for three years
and I have never produced a lead segment.
Greg just always gives me all the fluff pieces.
I feel like I'm treading water.
Well, you have to go up to Greg and say,
"Listen, bub, I'm the best
and if you can't see it, you're an idiot."
You can't call your boss an idiot.
I'm finally at work, Mom. I gotta go.
Okay. Call you in ten.
Oh, I'm exhausted.
I was in LA last night for the NFL Honors.
My fiancé won for Lewdest Touchdown Dance.
Good morning, everyone. Just a warning,
David Muir interviewed Putin last night,
so we should all be prepared for Chuck to be in a bad mood.
Now, who has segment pitches?
Oh, yeah. "The Washington Post" led
- with a really inter... - Oh, what if we did a segment
called, "Am I Snapchatting My Vacation Wrong"?
Great. Katie, you can produce that.
"The Washington Post" led with the UN Summit.
Right. We'll open with Chuck doing a UN piece.
Gene, you produce that.
You know who I hate?
Ivanka Trump? Same.
You know, she farted in my face at SoulCycle.
Young "rock and roll" reporters like David Muir.
This industry is plagued by ageism.
Unless you Twitter and know all the latest slang,
they'll throw you out like yesterday's newspaper,
which everyone's reading on their watch now, I guess.
Uh, Twitter: I ate a salad. Pound sign, I'm cool.
Here's your coffee, sir. I'm Cody, the new intern.
I'm sure we'll be very close.
Greg, fire Cody and get someone else
to bring me another coffee.
Good meeting.
Listen, bub, I'm the best.
- What? - Nothing.
I'm so sorry I said that.
Don't even... Don't worry about it.
Justin, everything sucks.
I just want to be a great journalist, you know?
It's been my dream since, like, forever.
You know what? Dreams just mess you up, okay?
I used to dream of being a doctor,
but every time I went into surgery,
my hands became dog mouths,
which was very frustrating,
'cause it was affecting my dexterity.
- Yeah. - Then I stopped drinking soda
at night and now I don't have that dream.
You see what I'm saying?
Hey, Mom.
The other Carol died!
Oh, my God. What?
It was a heart attack. No one saw it coming.
I mean, she was 400 pounds
and she screamed at the news a lot,
but hindsight's 20/20.
Mom, I'm so sorry.
Hey.
I had an idea about that Snapchat piece.
I shouldn't have let her eat the whole cake!
Can you hang on just one second?
- Oh, sure. - Ravenous!
What if instead of doing it on the show,
we did it on Snapchat?
- Katie, are you still there? - Katie, are you listening?
Yeah, I am.
- Anyway... - Anyway,
- do you have any ideas? - I have no one
to go to the funeral with me.
- What about Dad? - Dads on Snapchat?
Well, him, but I mean no one fun.
That's the piece.
- Can you get working on it? - Can you come with me, Katie?
Yes, I can.
Great! Bye.
Bye.
Sorry I'm late.
It's okay, honey.
It took them forever to carry in the casket.
- Because of her weight. - Oh.
Halfway down, they just slid it.
Dave, honey, breathe through your nose
or wait outside.
Okay, you betcha.
Love you, Dad.
Carol accomplished a lot in her time on Earth.
She was a stay-at-home mom, a licensed driver,
and a dedicated "Doctor..."
"Phil" viewer.
But she also had big dreams.
Carol's dream was to visit the castle in England
where "Harry Potter" was filmed,
but the Lord called her home.
If we can learn anything from Carol's passing,
it is this...
If you have a dream,
you must go after it,
not next year. Not next week.
- Now. - Amen.
Greg, can I ask you something?
No, we can't soundproof the women's room.
I'm sorry if the camera department
can hear you in there.
That was an anonymous suggestion
and it wasn't... It wasn't me.
No, um, I want to produce the lead...
tonight.
No.
Wait, why no?
Because Chuck is difficult and I trust Gene.
But maybe you only trust Gene because he's a man.
Have you taken the Implicit Bias Test online?
My results said I distrust all white people.
You honestly think I'm being sexist?
I have worked here longer than Gene.
Why else haven't I gotten a shot?
Maybe you're not as good as Gene.
You ever considered that?
No, I-I had not.
Good journalists, like Gene, can produce a segment
without someone saying, "Good job, little one."
Good journalists know when to scrap a story
and think on their feet if a better one comes along.
I don't think you can do that.
And actually, I don't think you think you can either.
You don't know what I don't think.
Hey, there's our girl.
You really showed that toilet who's boss.
That wasn't me, Ron!
Oh, well, thanks for finally joining us.
Can I get you a drink, a cranberry scone, an emoji?
Or should we start the damn meeting?
Let's start, shall we? I think we should lead
- with the hurricane. - Ooh, I have a story pitch.
Why is bathroom water sweeter than kitchen water?
Fine. Katie, you take that.
Gene, you take the hurricane. Now, for the B block...
Mr. Pierce, I would like to ask you something.
I have never produced a lead, ever,
and I've worked here longer than Gene.
- Which white guy is Gene? - I...
And I really think I could do it
if I'm just given the chance.
I mean, shouldn't seniority count for something?
Yes. Yes, it should.
This person is doing hurricane lead.
You know what, Greg?
That's exactly what's wrong with this business.
Nobody rewards experience.
Well, I do!
My personal trainer lives in a nursing home!
Very excited to work... Together.
Oh, hi. What are you doing here?
Oh, no, did Dad finally run off because of how you treat him?
No, he's in the car. I cracked a window, he's fine.
Listen I'm going back to school.
- Oh, that's great. - I'm gonna study
television production, and the admissions lady said
I could get credit for an internship.
Oh, good for you, Mom.
So I'm getting one here.
What? What? No, no. Why? Help.
Yeah, the show needs an intern.
You know, the lady said that students should use
their, you know, connections in the industry.
So, I'm starting from the bottom.
You know, like that rapper sings.
Who's that guy? The Canadian wheelchair guy
who's dating "Nicole Mirage"?
- Drake. - Yes.
Drake, Mom, and that's crazy.
It's one thing to take a class to keep busy,
but you can't embark on a giant new career
- at your age. - Why?
It's my dream.
If you have a dream, you must go after it,
not next year,
not next week, now.
Now, Carol!
Amen!
What? No, Father Kevin was talking to me.
And since when has it been your dream to work in the news?
Since always!
But then I met your father and quit my job to raise you.
M'kay. Mom, you do not want to be an intern.
It is boring and thankless.
- Boring and thankless? - I was a mom for 30 years.
I cleaned barf out of the tape deck
of a Teddy Ruxpin.
Well, I'm sorry, Mom,
because we already filled that internship opening.
She's lying. I'd be happy
to accept your application, young lady.
Oh.
What are you doing?
Hiring your mother as our intern.
Look, I get that you're mad
that I went over your head with Chuck, okay,
but this is not the way to get back at me.
You know what you could do?
Spread a rumor that I'm an alcoholic.
Ooh, or slut-shame me.
This has nothing to do with you.
If I hire an "Old" as an intern,
it'll finally get Chuck off my back.
Whenever he yells about ageism I can just point to this "Old."
Oh, your ring is so big. Did he cheat?
- Mom... - No, but if he does,
I have just the thing picked out.
Katie, I didn't know your mom lives,
like, ten minutes from here.
Why don't you just move in with her?
Yeah, that's what I always say.
Hi, I'm the Executive Producer.
Oh, you must be Greg. He's not that tiny.
Okay, good interview. You're hired.
- W-what? - When can you start?
How about today?
Perfect.
Oh, I love this man.
You should date him.
Mom!
Job's pretty simple,
except you do have to be careful around Chuck.
Why? Is he handsy with the girls?
I don't mind.
No, but he loves to fire interns.
Oh. Well, I get along with everybody.
Chuck gets his lunch at 1:00, he gets his snack at 2:30,
at 3:00 he takes his nap so his snack must arrive
at 2:30. Got it?
- Yes. - Say it back to me.
Oh, then no.
Okay, start with this guy in the kayak
going past a submerged car right there.
- Hi, Pumpkin. - Hi.
You must be Justin.
- Oh, hi. - Hello.
I think he smells fine.
Mom, do you need something?
'Cause we're kind of on a deadline.
Oh, of course. Oh, for your big story.
- Yeah. - Oh, it's just too bad
it has to be about a hurricane.
Why is that too bad?
The news is always scaring people about the weather.
They say a hurricane's coming, then nothing happens.
Now, why did I come in here?
Oh, God, okay, I walked in, I sat down...
Ugh, God, what is it?
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
Okay, yes. Honey,
is your work email password
the same as your regular email password?
It is the same, but don't say it out loud.
So it's "teamedward," all lowercase?
- Mm-hmm. - Okay, thank you.
Yup.
Oh, my God, I can't believe she's working here.
I can't believe you let your mother have your email password.
I mean, at least I used to have work as an escape,
you know, but now there's, like, no boundaries.
She's just gonna be on top of me every single day!
Listen, this problem will solve itself.
Have you ever seen my super edit of Chuck firing interns?
Why am I sweating so much? You're fired!
That's eye contact. You're fired.
My ex-wife has that sweater. You're fired.
You're fired. Fired! Fired!
Who put that there? You're fired!
Is this a tour or can I fire them?
Who's the old guy? You're fired!
- Chuck, that's a mirror. - Then smash it!
Wheelchair, you're fi...
See? No intern's ever lasted more than a couple weeks.
Yeah.
Katie, did you need a file called
"Hurricane Research, important"? 'Cause it just disappeared.
Oh, I just spoke with Greg, he is single,
so I invited him to your cousin Tami's wedding.
Do you think he'll need his own hotel room
or can he just share a bed with Dad?
Can you go to the post office? I need some stamps.
Oh. No, I can't. No time.
Gotta get Chuck his snack at 2:30.
No, um, Chuck takes his nap at 2:30.
He gets his snack at 3:00.
Oh, right.
It's hard to remember things when you're a woman my age.
Plus Alzheimer's and insanity do run in our family. Okay!
Oh, my God. I just lied to my mom to get her fired.
Please don't judge me.
Bad news, Wendelson.
Your hurricane just got downgraded.
- What? - A Category Two
isn't gonna make much of a lead.
Oh, no, I'm still the lead. I'm gonna fix this.
Then you better find a way to change the weather.
Oh!
Hey, Beth, you preparing for an earthquake?
The mega-quake isn't until 2018,
and you won't be laughing then. I dropped a raisin.
Do you have any contacts at the National Weather Service?
I'm trying to get a tropical storm
upgraded back to a hurricane.
Oh, sure thing. I can call Bernie in Storm Designations.
- Oh, really? - No!
There's no Bernie in Storm Designations.
There's a Barney in Weather Event Classifications,
- but I'm not calling him. - Why not?
You can't re-categorize a storm for no reason.
Unless you want to get called before an Ethics Tribunal
at the Barometric Castle in St. Paul!
Is that what you want?
How did your rain dance go?
Can't talk right now. I got a lot of work to do
and it's almost 2:30.
Where's my snack?
Oh, God.
I'm supposed to have my snack at 2:30!
Katie. Stamps.
Who's yelling like that? Sounds like the Pathmark by me
that's all Hispanic now.
It's Chuck, about his snack.
What?
You told me he got his snack at 3:00.
I'm so mad I could spit bullets!
I... did I? I...
All right, who screwed this up?
Who's the intern?
Mr. Pierce, I can explain.
- Are you the intern? - No, Katie Wendelson.
Segment Producer? I held your hand
while you passed your kidney stones?
- It's okay, dear. - Hi.
- I'm Carol.
- Hi. - I'm the intern.
But you're, uh...
Carol, we have a schedule.
- I know. - And when people disrespect
that schedule, they disrespect me.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Well, Carol,
I've been in this business for 30 years,
and I will not be disrespected!
I was on the ground in Kosovo! I shot a flaming arrow
at Mike Wallace's Viking funeral!
And another thing...
Jeez Louise, calm down!
You're a graying old man,
you're throwing a tantrum about a snack.
The world's not gonna end if you don't get
your little pizza bagel, which you don't need by the way.
You hold your weight in your belly, and that is
heart attack city according to "Good Housekeeping."
Okay? I mean, you're not like that, um...
Oh, gosh, who was that actor who died?
You know, mob show? Come on, think.
Uh, Marlon Brando?
No, no, no, he was in that movie I like
with Old Christine. Come on, you know it!
James Gandolfini.
- Yes. - James Gandolfini.
- Yes. Yes. - It's James Gandolfini.
You're not like him, Chuck, but you could be.
Take care of yourself and stop getting so mad!
Okay, go to your office.
- Oh, all right. - Okay.
That's right. I'll make you a bowl of popcorn, okay?
- Okay. - Go, go.
Did I tell you the wrong time?
Nice try, Pumpkin.
I can always tell when you're lying.
That was amazing.
You got Chuck to do what you wanted.
Can I... kiss you?
I don't think I can do this internship.
Wait. Mom, come on.
No, really, I've been running around all day long,
and I am exhausted.
You're right, Pumpkin, I'm too old for this.
Goodbye, everyone!
Thank you for the opportunity.
Kathryn.
♪ Are you reeling in the years? ♪
Could you hear my psych-up music?
Um, yes.
Pretty fresh beat, huh?
Well, let me blow your mind. That song is 40 years old.
Okay. Um, they need you for run-through.
No. I have to speak to that mature intern first.
Can you send her in?
Um, sir? Sir? Uh, she quit.
Well, get her back here,
or you and the other interns are fired!
I'm... not an intern.
- What the hell was that? - I'm on it, Greg.
Yeah, you better be on it, or else you'll be on Craigslist
selling your body for rent money!
Sorry, that was too rough.
You know what? Coffee. Coffee run on me.
Oh. Mom, why didn't you answer your phone?
I don't have to. You're not my boss anymore.
Okay, Chuck says he needs to talk to you.
Oh, so you only came here because you need my help.
No, no. I'm very sorry that I tried to get you fired, okay?
I gave up everything for you, and now I just want
a little dream for myself and you won't let me have it.
But Mom, why can't you get a different little dream?
Why do you have to horn in on mine?
- Oh! - Hi, Honey.
I'm just gonna close the den door
so I can read my magazine.
Mom, work is hard enough without you there, okay?
I have nothing for my lead hurricane segment.
And Greg and everybody else there thinks that I suck,
and the worst part is, they are probably right.
Oh, you do not suck. You're great.
You've always been great.
Look at this shrine.
You were the smartest kid, and a track star.
And you were amazing in "Les Mis" as Dock Whore.
Mom, do you remember how I got on the track team?
I didn't make it and then you went to the coach
and you forced him to let me on.
You have always interfered.
I can never do anything on my own!
And then what happened next? Who won these trophies?
I got you on the team, but I didn't run the race for you,
did I, dum-dum?
I guess I did do the running.
You just made me believe that I could.
And you can do this too.
You are a good little journalist!
Yeah, you're right.
And a good journalist knows when to scrap their story!
Am I supposed to follow you?
Mom, yeah.
Oh.
Whew. I'm scrapping the lead!
What? But I just sent you
to return henceforth with the "Old."
Justin, get me clips of workers in their 60s.
I'm on it!
Amy, get that econ professor from NYU on the phone.
Brenda, I need stats on baby boomers
re-entering the workforce.
My name is not Brenda. Copy that.
Story's not about a hurricane anymore.
It's about a tsunami.
What are you doing?
A good journalist always knows when to scrap their lead
if a better one comes along, right?
- What? - That's... you...
- Greg, you said that. - No, I didn't.
- Verbatim, you said that to me. - When?
- Yesterday. - Why are we even talking
about this? The show is in 20 minutes!
It's in 20 minutes? 20? 2-0, great.
- Carol. - Yes.
Earlier, you called me a "graying old man."
I'm sorry. I have no filter.
I've ruined dozens of surprise parties.
No, no, no, I want to know if it's true.
Does my hair look gray on camera?
It's just that...
nobody around here tells me the truth.
Your hair does look gray.
Thank you, Carol.
And also, Chuck, when you wear a green tie,
you look exactly like a leprechaun.
It's because of your ears, they're very po...
Baby steps, Carol, baby steps.
Live from Secaucus, New Jersey,
this is "The Breakdown" with Chuck Pierce...
The lead is changing! Guys, the lead is changing,
okay? The package is on B.
Chuck, there's new copy in your prompter.
Good evening. Tonight we take a look
at the so-called "Silver Tsunami,"
America's surplus of baby boomers
and their predicted drain on Social Security
when they retire.
But as more older Americans choose to re-enter the workforce,
the future of our economy seems brighter than ever.
Proving that seniority does count for something, Greg.
I mean, Portia.
Thanks, Chuck. Coming up,
is there a silent killer hiding in your family's handguns?
- That's when we return. - And, we're clear.
Ooh.
Good job, little one.
On to the next crisis, who's gonna tell Chuck
with that hair he looks like Ronald McDonald?
Handling Chuck sounds like a job for my mom.
It's too bad that she quit.
Yeah, it really is.
She could have talked him into so many things.
Hey, if you really want her back,
I'm willing to negotiate.
What are your terms?
I convince my mom to come back and be our intern,
and you let me do one lead story every week.
- Done. - Oh!
I thought you were gonna ask for a raise, which I would've given you.
- No. - Idiot.
Damn it.
You know what? No. Baby steps, baby steps.
Hey, Pumpkin. The show was great.
I loved the story you did about me.
And what'd you think of Chuck's hair?
Zazzy, right?
It's real zazzy, yeah.
Um, listen, Mom,
I think you should come back and be our intern.
I don't know, Katie. Having me around
is a big sacrifice. I can't do that to you.
I've already given you genes for hairy arms and scoliosis.
It's not a sacrifice, Mom.
You make me believe in myself.
And I-I need you.
Aw, really?
I don't know, Katie. I have to think about it, okay?
Okay, Mom.
Just kidding!
I'm in! We're coworkers!
Oh, I can't come in tomorrow.
Two gays from my soap are getting married.
Why is this commercial break taking so long?
Where's Carol? Get me Carol.
They need me on the floor.
- Carol? - Yeah, can we get Carol?
Wrong way, Mom!
Carol here? Is she in the building?
Carol! Carol!
Hey, Mom, I gotta go, I'm at work now.
- Yeah, me too. - Oh, hi.
- Hi, Mom. - Yeah, hey.
It's not real Starbucks.
Daddy gave me one of those Sofia Vergara coffee machines
so I make it in that and then I put it
in old Starbucks cups. That's money in my pocket.
You ready for your first full day as an intern?
Ooh, yes, Katie, it's gonna be so much fun.
Like when I went to all of third grade with you.
Yeah, I didn't love that.
Yeah, me either. I got a C in math.
Ugh, of course, Greg finally starts letting me produce
lead stories, and it's the slowest news day of the year.
Well, if you're looking for a good story...
Do not say Angie seeing a ghost down the shore.
I wasn't going to.
But, Katie, she really saw him.
Mom, this is my big shot, okay?
I just don't want to screw it up.
You won't, pumpkin.
Just work hard and stay focused, like me.
You think it's easy juggling an internship
and taking care of your father? Oh, shoot.
I forgot to give him dinner last night.
- And going to school. - Yeah.
That's what I was supposed to do yesterday, damn it!
Morning, everyone. Who has segment pitches?
Oh, before we begin, I'd like to say a few words.
Ooh, actually, interns aren't allowed in this meeting.
I just want to say
how excited I am to be here.
And I want to thank Greg for hiring me,
and, oh, Portia for that great interaction
on the elevator this morning.
And thank you, Carol,
for your interesting take on the Black Lives Matter movement.
And my daughter Katie, the love of my life.
When she was born, I needed an episiotomy...
Okay. That's good, that's enough.
- Mom. - Okay. Thank you.
Well, it seems we have a slow news day on our hands.
CNN is just playing "Death Becomes Her."
Ooh, I have a pitch.
Okay, you know the meme of Kermit drinking root beer?
Okay, well, you know the rapper Plerp?
Whatever.
I'll just riff on the housing crisis.
Okay, Gene, you can produce that.
Produce what?
- Oh, the AP is reporting... - Mom, can you not...
A black bear got loose in Central Park.
Yeah, I'll produce that.
But it was quickly sedated
and put back in its cage at the zoo.
Sure, Katie, it's yours.
No, that's okay, honey, 'cause it sounds dangerous.
Are you sure you had your thyroid checked?
Uh, the INS hired a new Communications Director.
Katie should produce that. She has IBS...
Not the diarrhea kind, the kind where you can't...
No, Mo... he said "INS"! Come on, Mom.
Karen, try to be professional.
You can't talk to Carol that way.
What did I miss?
Karen has IBS.
I... do...
Well, this is a total disaster.
It's my mom, she just humiliated me in a meeting.
She treats me like a baby still.
Well, you're lucky. I had to grow up too fast.
I managed a McDonald's when I was ten.
I don't know what I expected.
She's always been a helicopter parent.
You should have seen the first time I tried to ride a bike.
Oh, it's okay, baby.
That evil bike is never gonna hurt you again.
Dave, smash it!
You got it, dear.
And, you know, to this day,
I never learned how to ride a bike.
You see?
That there's the problem with helicopter parenting.
You end up with emotionally stunted adult kids
who can't do anything for themselves.
No way, if I couldn't do anything for myself,
I'd still be on my parents' insurance.
But I don't have any insurance.
Unh. Oh.
Come on, you can't even get around the city by yourself.
You got lost on your way to my Chilean dance recital.
Yeah, that's why I missed that.
Well, it's okay. I have a video of it.
That's great.
I wish she would back off and just let me be an adult.
Look, if you really want to be an adult,
you have to set a boundary.
How do you set a boundary with a woman
who posts pictures of you in a bathroom stall
with the caption, "Stronger than IBS #Soproud"?
Say you're her co-worker now
and you need to be treated that way.
Just like I told my little brother at McDonald's.
Yeah. You're right.
Okay. I'll talk to her.
- Thanks, Justin. - Check this out.
I do a cool flip.
Thank you for coming by.
Unfortunately, I have some rather difficult news.
The Geppetto who made you has passed away?
Last night, for the first time ever,
"The Chip and Chet Report" beat us in the ratings.
Oh, my God, I love those guys!
They're co-anchors, but they're also best friends.
And speaking of President Francois Hollande,
Chet and I took our wives on a cruise
down the French Riviera last summer.
A slide show of goofy photos from that trip
after the break.
Also ahead, the results of our viewer poll:
should we buy a dog together?
- I hope they say yes. - Stay with us.
- Yeah, that is a great tie. - It is a great tie.
We should switch ties after the break.
The network believes the reason for our ratings slip
is that viewers...
- Hate Chuck. - Hate Portia.
Best of luck in your future endeavors.
Feel that you two are not friends.
Oh. That's because we're not.
Once, we both crossed the street to avoid each other,
and we ended up on the same side of the street.
Look, the network is just asking
if you could do a little friendly banter
at the end of the show.
Sounds neat. Thank you, Greg.
Wow, that is a massive relief.
Thank you for ruining the show and dropping a steamer
on my journalistic integrity!
News is not the place for small talk and personal opinions.
That's the problem with journalism today.
It's more about the personality
saying the news than the news itself!
A real newsman
has no personality.
Walter Cronkite said one thing at the end of his show.
"And that's the way it is."
Not, "I feel meh today."
Or, uh, "Mm, I like breakfast for dinner."
I, for one, will not be betraying the news.
I'm not a Benedict Arnold like you!
Yeah, Benedict Arnold was the only one who wasn't a traitor!
Chuck does have a point.
Except in the digital era, well-reasoned opinions
are more valuable than the archaic model
of so-called "objective journalism."
Also, what's a Walter Conkrite?
Uh-oh.
- Mom. - Mm-hmm?
We need to talk.
Oh, God, you're pregnant. It's okay.
We'll pretend it's mine, and tell him you're his sister.
No, about you being here.
If this is gonna work, you and I need to establish some boundaries.
Well, sounds good. Tell me more.
Your hand is up my shirt.
I'm just making sure you're not wearing an underwire bra.
I read that they cause breast cancer...
Wait, I don't read.
You know what? It was a dream.
Oh, my...
Okay, listen.
When you and I are at the office,
we are co-workers, okay?
So before you do anything, just ask yourself,
"Would I do this to another co-worker?"
That's not gonna help. I just rubbed Icy Hot on Justin's quads.
Please, Mom, I've worked so hard to be taken seriously here.
I really need you to do this for me.
Okay. I get it.
You know what? From now on,
I'm not gonna treat you like my daughter at work.
No more meddling.
I promise.
- Really? - Really.
Wendelson, your bear escaped again. They're evacuating the park.
Oh, my God. This is like a real story.
If I can sneak in Central Park, I'll get an exclusive.
Yeah, but be careful, it already attacked a woman.
At least, they think it was a woman.
There was nothing left, just her blonde hair.
Wait!
What, Mom?
Have fun!
"What do you do
"when your daughter is going to report on a dangerous story
"and you don't want her to go,
"but you promised you wouldn't treat her like a baby
"in the workplace?
Sincerely, Carol Wendelson."
_
Oh, darn.
Carol.
I need a favor.
I'm sure you know why I hired you.
To organize the company talent show?
No. Please don't do that.
I hired you because you have a way with Chuck.
Now, the network wants a little banter at the end of the show,
and I need you to get him on board.
- Oh. - All right?
Oh, and have you seen Katie?
I need her to sign a waiver before she leaves for the park.
A waiver, what for?
It's just standard maim-and-dismemberment form.
The kind that Ron signed before he died.
Okay, I'll speak to Chuck
but only if you take my precious baby off that story.
You know what I love?
Chitchat!
I'm not doing it.
Chuck, you got to help me.
Greg says that if you don't do banter on the show,
he's gonna kill my Katie.
That monster.
But I'm sorry, Carol, the answer is no.
Banter is undignified and I won't do it!
Why are you getting so mad?
Whenever my Katie used to throw a tantrum,
it was always about something else.
Are you hungry? Tired?
Teething? Scared?
I'm not scared.
Ding, ding, ding.
I'm not.
- I'm amazing at banter. - Mm-hmm.
I once kept the conversation going for five hours
at Wolf Blitzer's birthday party,
and I was the only one who showed up!
Oh, what's the problem then?
Her! Her!
I can't talk to her!
Portia and I have nothing in common!
When she first started here,
we went to lunch together.
So, did you, uh, have a nice weekend?
I did.
This weekend, I went to go see The Weekend
at Avicii's pop-up club, Weekend.
That was three years ago.
We haven't had a conversation since.
It's hard, you're from a different generation.
I don't know what anybody's talking about anymore.
Me either.
- Like, who is Snapchat? - Ah.
Is he one of the Minions?
And are they all Pokemen?
I saw "Hamilton."
I was like, "Huh?"
I mean, George Washington wasn't black, right?
Or is it one of those things where you don't know for sure?
You know, like Santa Claus or Jesus?
I didn't get it either.
Maybe you just need experience talking to young people.
At least I get to practice with Katie.
God, I love her.
I really hope she doesn't die.
Right. Maybe I just need
- a little more practice. - Yes!
You know, there's lots of young women in the office.
Just trying chatting with one of them.
That is a great i...
I'm sorry!
But lesson learned:
don't banter about how someone
has a Puerto Rican ass for a white girl.
Something wrong, pumpkin?
Yeah. I am so mad right now.
Oh, I know, but don't be mad at me.
You're all I have in this world.
Well, except your father, but he's boring.
Greg gave my story to Gene.
Oh, it's okay, honey.
Mommy's here.
He said it was too dangerous.
What a jerk.
No one believes that women can do anything.
You know, I once ate a 150-ounce steak
faster than any man at Golden Corral.
Greg is a jerk.
We should throw acid on him or something.
Or I could just go talk to him again.
No, no, no, don't do that.
Skunks like Greg, you know, they never admit they're wrong.
Why don't you go behind his back?
Take the day off and go to the movies with me.
Wait a minute, you're right.
I should go behind his back.
Great, why don't we see that new Nancy Meyers movie
where Chris Hemsworth builds a gazebo
and then marries a 100-year-old woman?
No, no, no, I meant you're right.
I should go rogue and report my story anyway.
What?
I just need to get rid of Gene.
You know, I'm pretty sure some of those Jewish holidays
he takes off are made up.
Okay, I'll threaten to tell Greg that there's no such thing as
Hha Hha Hha Hazad
and you tell Wayne the cameraman to meet me by the news van.
Oh, crud.
- What? - Hmm?
Oh, crud? Oh, it's... This expression from the '70s.
You know, it means "cool," like "boss"
or "can you dig it?"
Mom, I know I said I didn't need a mom at work,
but I do.
- Oh. - Thank you.
Oh. Hi, Mom.
Gene was cool with me taking the story.
Turns out he had to leave early anyway for "Rik Machanach."
Yeah. Let's go, Wayne.
Yeah.
Uh-oh, Wendelson,
we got a flat.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me!
Mm-mm.
Damn, that looks like a puncture.
You know, I bet it was a nail or a screw.
Now, the smart money is on a nail
but you can never count out a screw.
Oh, that is a shame. Oh!
Oh, well, Katie,
I guess the only thing left for us to do now
is shop for seasonal table runners at HomeGoods.
I'll drive.
Oh, my God, Mom. I forgot.
You have a car. I'll take that to the park.
Oh, no, no, no, you know what?
Remember, I took you off our insurance,
so I could use the money to buy more boysenberry bombs
on my "Biscuit Blitz" game.
Fine, then you drive us.
Oh, crud!
And that's our show.
Tune in tomorrow night when I go undercover as an ugly person.
And then we do the banter and we're out.
- Good rehearsal, everybody. - Whoa, whoa.
Really appreciate you giving this whole banter thing a go.
Well, I'm a team player.
But would you mind rehearsing it just once?
I mean, I know you can do it,
but just for the guys in the booth.
We're actually good in the booth, Greg.
Thank you, Richard.
Please, just, one time for me.
Okay.
I'll give it a go.
And that's our show. Tune in tomorrow night
as I go undercover as an ugly person.
Hey, bomb suit, Chuck.
It's cis male, but it slays.
Oh.
I can't do this, Greg.
She is pranking on me.
Okay, let's take five.
Chuck, you're an accomplished journalist.
You talk to people for a living.
Just treat it like an interview.
I'm amazing at interviews.
I once got Madeleine Albright to admit
that she was in love with Boris Yeltsin
and Boris Yeltsin to admit
that he was in love with Madeleine Albright.
Now, why did I never set those two up?
And that's our show. Tune in tomorrow...
Where were you last night?
Uh...
- I-I was home. - All night?
You didn't go out at all?
- Oh, well, I went for a run. - Interesting.
'Cause it was raining last night,
so that doesn't make very much sense, does it?
- I went before... - Does it?
Answer the question, liar!
I was stealing lipstick from Duane Reade!
I have a problem, okay?
Uh-oh...
Okay, that one was my bad.
Mom, why are you driving so slow?
I'm just being cautious.
Last week, you "Tokyo Drifted"
into a Macy's one-day sale.
And wait, why are we on the east side of the park?
The wire said the bear was on the west.
Hey, anybody have a craving for a Banana Barge
- from the Carvel in my town? - I do.
Absolutely not!
It's like you don't want us to get there.
Oh, my God.
You don't want us to get there.
You're meddling because you think it's too dangerous.
No, I'm not. I love dangerous stuff.
Let's go get skull tattoos right now.
Hey, Mom?
How'd the news van get a flat tire?
I don't know, a nail or... or a screw.
- Right, Wayne? - Yeah, I think...
Or a vaguely ethnic tusk necklace from Chico's!
There's still tire on it.
Okay, I'm sorry I meddled, but it's just that,
what if the bear rips out your uterus
and you can't have children, Katie?
That's exactly what Greg said
when he took me off the story.
In retrospect, it was weird he said that.
You can't keep me from doing my job.
Oh, yes, I can.
Oh, the child locks?
Ugh! Why are you doing this?
Because I am not just your co-worker,
I'm your mommy.
It never changes.
You helicopter-parent me so hard
that I end up getting burned in a fiery
helicopter-parent crash.
What? I'm just keeping you safe.
Like I've always kept you safe.
You kept me in a gilded cage.
Oh, please, that was one time.
You're holding me back, just like you did when
I was a kid and you wouldn't let me go to summer camp.
Because I waited all school year
to hang out with you.
Or spring break?
You could have been murdered in Aruba.
Dutch guys love you.
All I'm saying is that sometimes
when you thought you were protecting me, you weren't.
And because of that,
I'm not totally prepared to be an adult.
You are a great adult.
Except sometimes you're a jerk to your mom.
I hope you have a daughter, you'll see.
No, I won't.
Because a bear's gonna rip out my uterus right now.
What are you doing?
I'm getting my story whether you like it or not.
Oh, God.
And how are you gonna get
to the other side of the park, missy?
'Cause I'm sure as heck not driving you!
I'm riding a bike!
You don't know how!
Ha! Yes, I do.
Nope.
Nobody help me!
I'm definitely getting better, though! I think! I...
All I'm asking for
is a 20-second conversation, something a toddler could do.
I mean, not me, I didn't talk till I was nine.
Well, what's the point?
He's not even trying to relate to me.
I did try. I bought a Plerp album.
No one listens to Plerp anymore.
- That was this morning. - As an experiment, Portia,
maybe you could let Chuck pick a topic?
Oh, yeah, let's cater to the old white guy.
You know, this is why I quit my podcast with Bernie Sanders.
Well, look, we must have something in common.
Uh, how about soup? I like soup.
What is soup again?
You know what soup is! You're deliberately being difficult!
Fine.
- I like "The Chip and Chet Report." - I have to agree.
You know, I didn't intend to like them, but they're really very charming.
Did you see last night's episode?
Pope Francis came and he blessed their friendship.
- Well, who wouldn't? - We are trying to beat
"The Chip and Chet Report," aren't we?
That is literally the one thing on Earth
you cannot banter about.
As God is my witness, we're not leaving this room
until we find one thing that you both have in common.
- No, I hate it here. - Great, I love this room.
Why do you hate me, bike?
both: Oh.
This is, like, impossible.
No wonder Lance Armstrong had to take steroids.
Oh, jeez, maybe I did screw her up.
Angie was right.
Do not tell Angie I said that, Wayne.
I don't know who Angie is, lady.
I don't know who you are.
Uh, I assume an executive producer or something?
I'm never gonna get to the other side of the park.
Why don't they make you with four wheels?
Oh, all these years I thought I was protecting her
from things that she was scared of.
But maybe I was just protecting her from things I was scared of.
Oh, my God.
She is trying to ride it with her hands on the pedals now.
Okay, I can't watch this anymore.
No, Mom, I'm getting that story and you can't stop me.
I'm not gonna stop you, pumpkin.
I'm gonna teach you
like I should have done 25 years ago.
Really?
God sure has a sense of humor.
He gave a nervous Nellie like me
the world's bravest daughter.
#Soproud.
You know, I do know how to ride a bike.
Maybe I can just go get some footage for the story?
No, I want you to film my baby's first bike ride.
And then I want you to ride across the park
and interview that bear... Or whatever.
All right.
- I got you. - Okay, I'm just gonna go slow.
- Here we go. - That's okay.
- Good girl, you're doing it. - Okay, don't let go.
- Don't let go, Mom. - Ooh, ooh, okay, all right.
Okay, seriously, don't let go.
An escaped bear was subdued and captured in Central Park today.
"Breakdown" producer Katie Wendelson
was first on the scene and got an exclusive interview
with the hero cop who took the bear down.
When the bear grabbed my gun,
yeah, I was terrified.
But then I was like, "Wait.
Bears can't shoot guns. They don't have fingers."
But, boy, was I wrong.
Solid interview, Wendelson.
Yeah, no thanks to you.
How could you let my mom convince you to give away my story?
She's very persuasive.
Her, Dave, and I are gonna see
that Nancy Meyers film together next week.
Our producer also managed to obtain exclusive footage
of the hair-raising takedown of the bear.
Oh, no, no, please, Greg,
do not show that footage, I am begging you.
What are you talking about?
It's great footage. You're barely in it.
- Mom, look, the bear! - The bear!
- How do you stop this thing? - I'm coming, honey!
Mom!
- I'm coming, honey! - Did you see the bear?
I saw the bear!
Ohh!
I needed that.
I'll tell you, I spent the entire day
looking for something Chuck and Portia could banter about
for 20 seconds, and you know what?
I did it. And it was worth it.
Because in the end, Katie, no matter how different we are,
we're all human beings, aren't we?
We all have a little something in common.
You didn't tell them to say that, though, right?
Because that sucked.
And that's our show.
Tune in tomorrow night when I go undercover
as an ugly person.
Hey, Portia, you know what I love?
Lemonade.
- Really? - Me too.
I-I'm like obsessed.
Is that right?
With iced tea?
Huh, I haven't heard that mash-up.
But you know what, I have a feeling that
"Lemonade's" gonna bring home a ton of awards this year.
Really?
Well, maybe it's finally getting the credit it deserves.
So she thinks they're talking about the Beyoncé album...
And he thinks they're talking about the drink.
I'm a genius.
What a day.
I sure had an adventure, but I also learned something.
Get out of here.
- We're not that close yet, Carol. - Sorry, sir.
We'll get there!
Synced and corrected by louvette www.addic7ed.com