1 00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:04,656 RULE #23 NEVER LIE TO THE KIDS 2 00:00:13,983 --> 00:00:17,584 Hey, everybody, we're back with America's favorite girlfriend, Abby McCarthy 3 00:00:17,586 --> 00:00:19,453 of the girlfriends' guide book series. 4 00:00:19,455 --> 00:00:21,288 I love 'em, love 'em. - Every baby shower, 5 00:00:21,290 --> 00:00:24,179 the mom-to-be always gets one, two... - Or all of those books. 6 00:00:24,693 --> 00:00:25,959 Thank you. Yes. 7 00:00:25,961 --> 00:00:28,235 And you know what's really great? They're not bossy. 8 00:00:28,264 --> 00:00:30,597 It's more about your own family. - Right. 9 00:00:30,599 --> 00:00:33,216 Real advice from a real mom. - You know, this new book, 10 00:00:33,247 --> 00:00:36,247 when our kids were finally both in school, my husband 11 00:00:36,278 --> 00:00:38,972 and I looked at each other and went, who are you? 12 00:00:38,974 --> 00:00:40,653 It was a real adjustment for us, 13 00:00:40,716 --> 00:00:43,778 and I just hope that people wo are going through the same thing 14 00:00:43,817 --> 00:00:45,906 get something out of this book. - Wait a minute, 15 00:00:45,937 --> 00:00:47,715 how is Jake? Are things going well there? 16 00:00:47,739 --> 00:00:49,720 Well, I mean, you know, 17 00:00:49,752 --> 00:00:52,064 like I say in the book, happiness is a moving target, 18 00:00:52,088 --> 00:00:53,697 but Jake and I are... 19 00:00:53,722 --> 00:00:55,889 We're just connecting in a whole new way. 20 00:01:21,383 --> 00:01:23,051 You smell like sex. 21 00:01:23,652 --> 00:01:25,366 Screw you. 22 00:01:35,388 --> 00:01:39,788 Sync and corrections: minouhse www.addic7ed.com 23 00:01:42,132 --> 00:01:43,579 Mommy. 24 00:01:45,407 --> 00:01:47,951 Good morning, bun-bun. Oh. 25 00:01:48,410 --> 00:01:49,968 Give me an eskimo. 26 00:01:50,112 --> 00:01:51,545 Mm, I love that. 27 00:01:51,714 --> 00:01:54,712 Daddy, I'm a special person at school this week. 28 00:01:54,817 --> 00:01:56,850 You're a special person every week, kiddo. 29 00:01:56,913 --> 00:01:58,916 Oh, hi, Lils. 30 00:01:59,121 --> 00:02:01,088 Morning. What's happening? 31 00:02:01,296 --> 00:02:03,123 Well, volleyball finals are all weekend, 32 00:02:03,148 --> 00:02:04,881 so I'm missing Jade's birthday party. 33 00:02:04,983 --> 00:02:06,827 Door closed, please. 34 00:02:06,829 --> 00:02:10,636 Yeah, no one needs to see that before coffee, dad. 35 00:02:10,866 --> 00:02:12,432 It's a sleepover at the London. 36 00:02:12,434 --> 00:02:14,303 Her mom's got the penthouse suite. 37 00:02:14,436 --> 00:02:15,669 Hey, give that to Charlie. 38 00:02:15,671 --> 00:02:17,648 After volleyball, can't you drive me? 39 00:02:17,673 --> 00:02:20,949 The London hotel. That just seems crazy. 40 00:02:20,988 --> 00:02:22,376 Here you go, sweetie. 41 00:02:22,378 --> 00:02:23,944 Mom? - Yeah? 42 00:02:23,946 --> 00:02:26,613 Is it weird that I like the smell of my own farts? 43 00:02:26,615 --> 00:02:28,648 Yes. - Gross, Charlie. 44 00:02:28,650 --> 00:02:29,892 Daddy? - Mm-hmm. 45 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:32,615 You're gonna help me with my special person board, right? 46 00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:34,065 Of course. - I'm on it, bun-bun. 47 00:02:34,457 --> 00:02:37,145 WHAT'S WEIRD IS THIS BULLSIT "HAPPY MARRIAGE" ACT 48 00:02:39,628 --> 00:02:42,963 Lilly, I thought Jade was the one who was writing all those mean texts about you. 49 00:02:42,988 --> 00:02:45,988 She was going through some stuff. She just found out she's adopted. 50 00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:47,634 You know what? You're a teenager, 51 00:02:47,636 --> 00:02:50,699 AT LEAST I DIDN'T WAKE UP SMELLING LIKE ASTROGLIDE and there are gonna be plenty of awesome hotels 52 00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:52,443 and awesome parties... - So I can't go? 53 00:02:52,467 --> 00:02:54,107 In your future. - Dad. 54 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,096 Up to your mom, she who must be obeyed. 55 00:02:57,385 --> 00:02:59,052 Well? - I will think about it, Lil. 56 00:02:59,093 --> 00:03:00,991 Now haul ass. We're leaving. 57 00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:03,021 Backpack, Charlie. 58 00:03:03,552 --> 00:03:04,877 Backpack, Charlie. 59 00:03:05,154 --> 00:03:07,204 Love you. - Bye. 60 00:03:07,589 --> 00:03:09,489 Love you, Lilly. 61 00:03:23,739 --> 00:03:26,429 Okay, Charlie and Lilly are in. 62 00:03:29,645 --> 00:03:32,557 Hey, guys, what's going on? - Keep smiling, okay? 63 00:03:32,881 --> 00:03:34,493 Yes, I will. 64 00:03:35,535 --> 00:03:38,552 Coffee, mama? I am seriously still drunk 65 00:03:38,554 --> 00:03:41,021 on last night's cava. - Have you been... 66 00:03:41,022 --> 00:03:43,556 people are giving me, like, a face, like, a sympathy face. 67 00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:45,327 They are? Really? - Yes. 68 00:03:45,594 --> 00:03:48,331 Where are my children? - I didn't see them. 69 00:03:48,409 --> 00:03:49,875 Anouk? Anouk, Luco. 70 00:03:49,932 --> 00:03:51,435 Mrs. Wills. - What? 71 00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:53,934 They were outside trying to cross the street again. 72 00:03:53,974 --> 00:03:57,144 Oh, my... You crazies. I told you to stay with mama. 73 00:03:57,473 --> 00:03:58,739 Sorry. 74 00:03:58,941 --> 00:04:00,422 Thank you so much. 75 00:04:00,843 --> 00:04:03,043 I'm horrible. Go to class now. 76 00:04:03,045 --> 00:04:05,850 If you see Charlie, just tell him I have his shoe. 77 00:04:05,886 --> 00:04:07,414 Do you think people know? 78 00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:08,927 What? About you and Jake splitting? 79 00:04:08,951 --> 00:04:10,375 Sorry. - God. 80 00:04:11,401 --> 00:04:12,652 I gotta find Charlie. - Okay. 81 00:04:12,654 --> 00:04:13,887 I will see you... 82 00:04:13,889 --> 00:04:15,277 Later. - Yes. 83 00:04:19,139 --> 00:04:20,872 Ugh, come on. 84 00:04:41,016 --> 00:04:43,149 Did you tell anyone at school about me and Jake? 85 00:04:43,174 --> 00:04:45,329 Of course not. I'm a lawyer. 86 00:04:45,721 --> 00:04:47,721 You're not my lawyer. - Not yet. 87 00:04:47,723 --> 00:04:50,123 Just let me know when you're ready to ditch your moron. 88 00:04:50,147 --> 00:04:51,558 Well, people know. I can tell. 89 00:04:51,613 --> 00:04:53,727 Eric Frank eye-banged me at drop-off. 90 00:04:53,729 --> 00:04:55,195 He's like a divorce-seeking missile. 91 00:04:55,197 --> 00:04:57,297 Yeah, well, he finger-banged Marjorie Davis, 92 00:04:57,299 --> 00:04:59,232 so count yourself lucky. - Oh, my god. 93 00:04:59,234 --> 00:05:01,902 Did you see Dan this morning? Did he look hungover to you? 94 00:05:01,904 --> 00:05:03,387 I... We were late. 95 00:05:03,388 --> 00:05:06,766 He was out until 3:00 in the morning last night, left the kids with a sitter. 96 00:05:06,790 --> 00:05:09,108 You cannot have people followed. 97 00:05:09,111 --> 00:05:11,978 He leaves the kids with a sitter on his night. 98 00:05:11,980 --> 00:05:14,080 He can't do that perverted during the day? 99 00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:15,440 He's got no job. 100 00:05:15,753 --> 00:05:18,618 All this anger, you need to let it go. 101 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:20,687 You need to cry, be sad. 102 00:05:20,689 --> 00:05:23,723 You know what makes me cry? What a spectacular piece of shit he is. 103 00:05:23,725 --> 00:05:25,725 50 grand a month I give that man, 104 00:05:25,727 --> 00:05:27,228 and now he's after my pension. 105 00:05:27,267 --> 00:05:30,163 All I need to do is prove him unfit. 106 00:05:30,165 --> 00:05:32,165 Then I get the kids, and he can't live off the child support. 107 00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:35,323 He's entitled to half. If he were a woman, you would say the same thing. 108 00:05:35,347 --> 00:05:38,848 If he were a woman, I'd understand why he's got no balls, but failing that... 109 00:05:41,977 --> 00:05:43,500 Keep walking, keep walking... 110 00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,939 Hey, Abby. Over here. 111 00:05:46,682 --> 00:05:48,707 Hi, good morning. - Hi. 112 00:05:48,888 --> 00:05:50,679 It's Layla, right? - Lyla. 113 00:05:50,952 --> 00:05:53,725 Where have you been hiding yourself? - Sit. Let's catch up. 114 00:05:53,780 --> 00:05:56,723 We can't. We're actually meeting Phoebe inside for coffee. 115 00:05:56,725 --> 00:05:58,024 There she is. - Hi. 116 00:05:58,026 --> 00:06:00,927 I'm gonna go get us a table. Hello, you beautiful bitches. 117 00:06:00,929 --> 00:06:03,000 Mm. - I will see you inside. 118 00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:05,231 So, hey, I saw Jake at drop-off yesterday. 119 00:06:05,271 --> 00:06:08,335 Are you guys cleansing? You look so thin. 120 00:06:08,337 --> 00:06:10,170 I think she's ordering for us. - Is she? 121 00:06:10,172 --> 00:06:11,738 I'm so sorry. - It could get cold. 122 00:06:11,740 --> 00:06:13,173 We'll see you guys later. - Bye. 123 00:06:13,175 --> 00:06:15,289 Bye. - Nice seeing you. 124 00:06:15,978 --> 00:06:17,677 Well, those moms know. 125 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,680 Trying to break me. I'm just... - they are not. 126 00:06:20,682 --> 00:06:22,949 They are obsessed with Phoebe and cleansing. 127 00:06:22,951 --> 00:06:25,819 No, the cleanse is the divorce diet. - No, it's just a cleanse 128 00:06:25,821 --> 00:06:27,595 sometimes. - Max, oh, my god. 129 00:06:28,190 --> 00:06:31,168 I called you, like, six times, and mom hasn't heard from you either. 130 00:06:31,192 --> 00:06:33,291 I know, I'm sorry. - Thank you so much. 131 00:06:33,368 --> 00:06:35,368 You're welcome. - Lyla, did you say hi to Max? 132 00:06:35,392 --> 00:06:36,663 Hi, Max. 133 00:06:38,834 --> 00:06:42,423 So are you, like, friends with those two now or... 134 00:06:43,639 --> 00:06:44,968 You know what? 135 00:06:45,007 --> 00:06:48,544 I'm gonna call you back, I promise, and I love you. 136 00:06:52,648 --> 00:06:53,980 Your brother's super foxy. 137 00:06:53,982 --> 00:06:55,888 Her brother, super foxy? 138 00:06:56,118 --> 00:06:58,418 Are you in a tab commercial? - No. 139 00:06:58,489 --> 00:07:01,289 I have got to stop avoiding him. He's really getting suspicious. 140 00:07:01,291 --> 00:07:03,469 Why haven't you told him yet? - You're very close. 141 00:07:03,493 --> 00:07:04,791 Just tell him. - We are. 142 00:07:04,793 --> 00:07:07,193 It's just that he is incredibly traditional about some things. 143 00:07:07,195 --> 00:07:10,800 But you can't keep this a secret forever. Jake hasn't been living at home for weeks. 144 00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:13,246 But we've been very careful. He's always home before the kids get up. 145 00:07:13,308 --> 00:07:15,935 But nobody sees you together. - And suddenly you're hanging around with us. 146 00:07:15,937 --> 00:07:18,838 The whores with the Scarlet D on their chests. - I wouldn't characterize it like that. 147 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,907 No, I would. - I actually thought that about yours. 148 00:07:20,909 --> 00:07:23,143 I think it's time. You got to tell your kids you're separated. 149 00:07:23,145 --> 00:07:25,722 Keeping this a secret... - Betsy Brown Braun says it's better not to. 150 00:07:25,723 --> 00:07:28,835 She says separation's so vague, and... - Who's Betsy Brown Braun Braun? 151 00:07:28,859 --> 00:07:31,051 Betsy Brown Braun. Fantastic, specializing 152 00:07:31,053 --> 00:07:33,853 in divorce and children. I have her on speed dial. 153 00:07:33,855 --> 00:07:37,589 But maybe I won't even have to tell the kids at all, because if Jake moves back in, 154 00:07:37,693 --> 00:07:41,729 then we all go back to normal, and the kids will never have to even know he was gone. 155 00:07:42,764 --> 00:07:46,217 But he's been promiscuous and 156 00:07:47,013 --> 00:07:48,280 not discreet. 157 00:07:48,470 --> 00:07:49,838 I know he's been dating, 158 00:07:50,172 --> 00:07:53,006 and he has been rubbing my nose in it, 159 00:07:53,048 --> 00:07:56,042 but he's allowed because we are on a break. 160 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:59,385 We are taking a time-out to explore what we want. 161 00:07:59,448 --> 00:08:03,765 What he wants is a sports car and club snatch. 162 00:08:05,487 --> 00:08:06,836 Abby, 163 00:08:07,756 --> 00:08:10,271 Ralf saw him at the chateau with the CW actress. 164 00:08:10,325 --> 00:08:11,923 They were getting a room. 165 00:08:13,462 --> 00:08:15,199 Uh, sorry. 166 00:08:15,497 --> 00:08:16,727 Sorry. 167 00:08:16,798 --> 00:08:18,791 Not my business. Um... 168 00:08:20,032 --> 00:08:22,834 A CW actress. Does she play a parent? 169 00:08:22,871 --> 00:08:24,838 We are just telling you this because we think it's time 170 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,485 for you to move on. - What's her name? 171 00:08:26,514 --> 00:08:28,737 I don't know. We don't know... - And we don't care. 172 00:08:28,761 --> 00:08:30,458 I don't know. - We don't know. 173 00:08:30,512 --> 00:08:32,973 You are lying to me. - Becca Riley. 174 00:08:41,456 --> 00:08:45,248 Born in 1989. - 1989. 175 00:08:45,393 --> 00:08:48,291 Jake and I graduated college in 1989. - All right. 176 00:08:48,338 --> 00:08:51,631 Do you know that he texted me this morning asking me for more money for his expenses? 177 00:08:51,632 --> 00:08:53,632 Okay, Abby, breathe. - These are his expenses? 178 00:08:53,656 --> 00:08:54,434 Abby, relax. 179 00:08:54,435 --> 00:08:55,991 Will you just... - This is not good. 180 00:08:56,015 --> 00:08:57,748 Nice work, wikileaks. 181 00:09:03,078 --> 00:09:05,206 It. - What did you say? 182 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,913 Ugh. - Okay. 183 00:09:08,083 --> 00:09:10,517 Which bills do you need me to pay specifically? 184 00:09:10,519 --> 00:09:13,787 The suite at the chateau, The Princess Diaries on demand? 185 00:09:13,866 --> 00:09:16,800 Nice. - Therapy for Lilly when she finds out her dad 186 00:09:16,864 --> 00:09:19,766 trolls for dates at one direction concerts? - Wow. 187 00:09:19,828 --> 00:09:21,031 That's a good response. 188 00:09:21,070 --> 00:09:22,849 Good response. - Mm-hmm, I know. 189 00:09:22,964 --> 00:09:25,565 You know what? I think we need to go to a sweat lodge. 190 00:09:25,617 --> 00:09:27,867 We need to purge of this toxic crap. 191 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:31,268 I say she needs to buy things, you dirty hippie. 192 00:09:32,908 --> 00:09:34,207 Here's the upside. 193 00:09:34,209 --> 00:09:36,476 It's over with Jake. You know you can move on. 194 00:09:36,501 --> 00:09:37,944 It's not that simple. 195 00:09:37,946 --> 00:09:40,547 I mean, Jake's angry because... - Screw that. 196 00:09:40,591 --> 00:09:43,817 Why aren't you exploring? Use your sexual amnesty while you have it. 197 00:09:43,868 --> 00:09:45,118 You can't smoke in here. 198 00:09:45,143 --> 00:09:46,463 It's not... - They're organic. 199 00:09:46,524 --> 00:09:49,367 Here. Try some. - Oh, no rules for Phoebe. 200 00:09:49,457 --> 00:09:53,457 The first thing I did when Ralf and I split was fly to Berlin and screw myself into a coma. 201 00:09:53,461 --> 00:09:56,261 Oh, my god, we should all go. My au pair can stay with our kids. 202 00:09:56,285 --> 00:09:57,864 Sure. - Let us get right on that. 203 00:09:57,940 --> 00:10:00,933 At the very least, you should come out with me one night when Jake has the kids. 204 00:10:00,936 --> 00:10:03,781 Ralf opened a new club. - You're always hanging out with your ex. 205 00:10:03,820 --> 00:10:05,998 It's unusual. - I know, it's shocking. I like him, 206 00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,966 and he gets me impossible reservations. 207 00:10:08,243 --> 00:10:10,475 You need this. - Excuse me. 208 00:10:10,979 --> 00:10:12,846 You can't smoke in here. - Every time. 209 00:10:12,927 --> 00:10:14,674 Sorry. - Sorry. 210 00:10:15,517 --> 00:10:17,250 You just got in trouble. Whoop. 211 00:10:23,201 --> 00:10:25,603 No, I mean, I would, but it's just... - What? 212 00:10:26,904 --> 00:10:28,599 You know, the idea of 213 00:10:28,982 --> 00:10:31,834 somebody new seeing me naked 214 00:10:31,951 --> 00:10:33,700 and baby boobs. - So fix 'em. 215 00:10:33,747 --> 00:10:36,659 I have the best tit doctor in the world. 216 00:10:38,419 --> 00:10:39,747 Touch 'em. - Really? 217 00:10:39,794 --> 00:10:41,786 I will. - Just full frontal, go. 218 00:10:41,856 --> 00:10:43,075 Okay. 219 00:10:43,111 --> 00:10:45,645 They're pretty good, right? - That is impressive. 220 00:10:45,647 --> 00:10:47,981 I mean, I don't feel a bag or anything. 221 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,154 No, it's like, seamless operation. 222 00:10:51,114 --> 00:10:53,248 Don't mind them. She's just showing off her work. 223 00:10:53,272 --> 00:10:54,558 Sorry. - Sorry. 224 00:10:54,715 --> 00:10:57,526 Amazing. Dr. Marber is an artist. 225 00:10:57,713 --> 00:11:00,161 Dr. Marber? No way. 226 00:11:00,535 --> 00:11:02,415 Do it. - Oh, wow. 227 00:11:03,164 --> 00:11:04,725 Oh, my god. 228 00:11:05,634 --> 00:11:07,333 Wow, that is... Thank you. 229 00:11:07,421 --> 00:11:10,136 Four matching boobs. They are gorgeous. 230 00:11:13,370 --> 00:11:16,412 Where are my pores? I look like a cyborg. 231 00:11:16,498 --> 00:11:18,594 I know, isn't it great? 232 00:11:19,481 --> 00:11:21,680 Look, it's just for the book tour stuff, you know. 233 00:11:22,017 --> 00:11:24,436 Fine, just go with it. Android. 234 00:11:25,131 --> 00:11:27,990 Oh, now, we're getting media requests for the whole family 235 00:11:28,045 --> 00:11:30,111 together, you know, Dr. Phil. - No. 236 00:11:30,225 --> 00:11:31,868 Dr. Oz. - No. 237 00:11:32,193 --> 00:11:33,760 Any of the doctors? 238 00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:36,240 I don't want the kids on television. - Why not? 239 00:11:36,294 --> 00:11:37,964 I mean, you wrote about them. 240 00:11:38,003 --> 00:11:41,721 Your readers feel like they know you, like they've watched your kids growing up. 241 00:11:41,775 --> 00:11:44,854 In their imaginations. Reality, have you seen my daughter? 242 00:11:44,893 --> 00:11:47,437 She's all lithe and gorgeous. 243 00:11:47,518 --> 00:11:51,885 She's, like, a minute away from Cruise's guy asking her to be Tom's next child bride. 244 00:11:52,557 --> 00:11:54,056 Just you and Jake then. 245 00:11:54,182 --> 00:11:56,885 He's not as cute as the kids, but I'll take what I can get. 246 00:11:56,932 --> 00:11:59,252 You know, it's not just you that we're selling. 247 00:11:59,296 --> 00:12:01,396 It's the whole family. - He's very busy. 248 00:12:01,432 --> 00:12:03,088 Doing what? 249 00:12:03,167 --> 00:12:06,201 He is prepping an indie that he is going to direct. 250 00:12:06,252 --> 00:12:08,035 So is our waiter. 251 00:12:08,408 --> 00:12:11,708 Look, tell him he's coming, no excuses. 252 00:12:12,666 --> 00:12:13,877 Sure. 253 00:12:15,045 --> 00:12:16,520 Everything okay? - I'm fine. 254 00:12:16,614 --> 00:12:17,840 I'll tell him. 255 00:12:17,882 --> 00:12:21,434 It's not that I don't care. I just don't care right now. 256 00:12:21,785 --> 00:12:24,126 All right? I got to go. - Okay. 257 00:12:24,188 --> 00:12:25,554 You're going. - All right. 258 00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:27,081 All right, baby. - Bye. 259 00:12:27,589 --> 00:12:29,914 See you and Jake, Barnes & Noble, 260 00:12:30,194 --> 00:12:34,136 I'll have the press there, do a couple of interviews, a couple of happy snaps. 261 00:12:34,198 --> 00:12:35,893 Easy peasy. - Yeah. 262 00:12:36,801 --> 00:12:38,487 You look great. - Bye, cat. Thank you. 263 00:12:38,580 --> 00:12:40,139 Bye, darling. 264 00:12:41,138 --> 00:12:42,403 Easy peasy. 265 00:12:43,051 --> 00:12:45,951 Cat said that Jake needs to be at the book signing. 266 00:12:45,988 --> 00:12:50,412 He does. United front sells books, you know. If he's not there, it hurts the brand. 267 00:12:50,573 --> 00:12:54,174 Jake doesn't care about the brand and besides I basically called him a child molester. 268 00:12:54,213 --> 00:12:57,147 So what? You know what? These guys, they don't see the big picture. 269 00:12:57,194 --> 00:12:58,794 This is about your financial future. 270 00:12:58,826 --> 00:13:01,166 You, Lilly, Charlie. This is important. 271 00:13:01,970 --> 00:13:03,192 Oh, there's Dan. 272 00:13:03,289 --> 00:13:06,312 He's gonna want to talk about money, I can guarantee you, these guys. 273 00:13:06,336 --> 00:13:08,673 Call me after. - Bye. 274 00:13:09,834 --> 00:13:13,052 Yes, poppy. Yes, it's a doorbell. I know, sweet pea. 275 00:13:13,170 --> 00:13:14,856 I know, I know, I know. 276 00:13:14,934 --> 00:13:17,915 Niņos. Como estan? - Hi, hi, hi, hi. 277 00:13:18,075 --> 00:13:20,552 Hi. - I missed you. 278 00:13:21,879 --> 00:13:24,079 Get over here. I missed you so much. 279 00:13:24,104 --> 00:13:25,581 I know ouch. 280 00:13:25,606 --> 00:13:28,482 There are surprises in your rooms if you go into your rooms. 281 00:13:28,878 --> 00:13:30,479 Thank you, Juanita. - Si, seņora. 282 00:13:30,504 --> 00:13:33,322 Don't do that. They don't need surprises just for coming home. 283 00:13:33,352 --> 00:13:36,091 Yes, they do. What are you feeding Eric? 284 00:13:36,128 --> 00:13:38,260 He's getting breasts. - No, he's not. 285 00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:40,062 So they said get a bunch of ladybugs 286 00:13:40,064 --> 00:13:42,687 'cause it's supposed to take care of something in the gar... 287 00:13:42,711 --> 00:13:45,308 aphids or something like that, like... 288 00:13:45,336 --> 00:13:49,444 I wanted to tell you before you heard around, 289 00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:51,703 I met somebody. 290 00:13:51,892 --> 00:13:53,092 Oh. 291 00:13:55,946 --> 00:13:59,175 Well, I hope you two will be very happy together in your dungeon. 292 00:13:59,516 --> 00:14:01,216 Does she know about your adventures? 293 00:14:01,218 --> 00:14:03,574 That's over. I just this new thing is getting serious. 294 00:14:03,599 --> 00:14:07,434 Hang on. You told me you committed to a new lifestyle. 295 00:14:07,497 --> 00:14:08,888 I thought I did. 296 00:14:09,193 --> 00:14:11,928 I think I just 297 00:14:12,229 --> 00:14:14,931 craved being humiliated when you and I were together. 298 00:14:15,132 --> 00:14:17,310 You know, I've done a lot of work on myself, babe, 299 00:14:17,334 --> 00:14:21,101 and if you remember, it was work that I thought you and I should do together. 300 00:14:21,156 --> 00:14:24,794 I remember you hemorrhaging my money to a dominatrix. 301 00:14:25,242 --> 00:14:26,594 You did. - No. 302 00:14:27,068 --> 00:14:29,981 You gave up when you licked the boot, babe. 303 00:14:41,191 --> 00:14:43,142 Juanita has made too much food. 304 00:14:43,193 --> 00:14:47,098 Would you like to eat with me and the boys? 305 00:14:48,399 --> 00:14:49,599 Yeah. 306 00:15:13,057 --> 00:15:14,389 You are so competitive. 307 00:15:20,254 --> 00:15:23,190 Okay, that stays between us. I think we deserve one for the road. 308 00:15:23,260 --> 00:15:24,533 Good. 309 00:15:27,504 --> 00:15:28,771 Okay. 310 00:15:28,973 --> 00:15:31,006 No more chicken nuggets for Eric. 311 00:15:31,039 --> 00:15:32,271 Right. Call you tomorrow. 312 00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:33,653 Okay. 313 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:46,644 Hi. Yes, I would like to report a drunk driver. 314 00:15:53,097 --> 00:15:54,363 Oh, no. 315 00:15:59,548 --> 00:15:59,989 NAILED 316 00:15:59,999 --> 00:16:00,444 NAILED H 317 00:16:00,454 --> 00:16:01,354 NAILED HI 318 00:16:01,364 --> 00:16:02,740 NAILED HIM 319 00:16:03,635 --> 00:16:05,092 NAILED HIM 320 00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:18,662 Hi. - Hey. 321 00:16:18,694 --> 00:16:20,428 Hi, uncle Max. Hi, Ford. - Logan, Logan. 322 00:16:20,452 --> 00:16:22,245 We're late again. - Whoa. 323 00:16:22,247 --> 00:16:24,247 It's Charlie's special day, so we have to get into school. 324 00:16:24,249 --> 00:16:26,283 Dad, carry this inward, so nobody can see it. 325 00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:28,330 All right, go ahead. All right, come on inside. 326 00:16:28,332 --> 00:16:29,331 Max. - Go ahead. Go ahead. 327 00:16:29,333 --> 00:16:30,587 Dad, inward. - I got it. 328 00:16:30,589 --> 00:16:33,223 I'll take the boys in. You look spectacular... 329 00:16:33,225 --> 00:16:34,558 Thank you. - As always. 330 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,983 Will you please tell my husband pajama pants are not acceptable drop-off wear? 331 00:16:38,008 --> 00:16:41,164 Oh, do you want me to wait in the car, so you won't be embarrassed or... 332 00:16:41,188 --> 00:16:42,576 Please. - Okay. 333 00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,662 Come on. - Hey. 334 00:16:45,164 --> 00:16:47,051 Let's go, buddy, we don't want to be late. 335 00:16:47,118 --> 00:16:50,082 What's going on with you and Jake? I'm hearing rumors. 336 00:16:52,468 --> 00:16:54,140 You know that we've been in therapy. 337 00:16:54,213 --> 00:16:55,512 Mm. 338 00:16:55,537 --> 00:16:57,614 Well, we are taking a break. 339 00:16:57,616 --> 00:16:59,226 Jesus, Abby. 340 00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:01,318 Well, I knew you guys were having problems. 341 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:04,421 Why didn't you tell me? - Because we're trying to keep it a secret. 342 00:17:04,422 --> 00:17:06,956 Well, hanging out with your new girlfriends isn't helping. 343 00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:08,926 Phoebe and Lyla. What about it? 344 00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:12,401 Oh, come on, Abby, they're the poster models for divorce. 345 00:17:12,503 --> 00:17:14,464 We used to mock them, remember, with their surgeries 346 00:17:14,466 --> 00:17:16,099 and their outfits and their kegels. 347 00:17:16,101 --> 00:17:19,035 Well, I was wrong about them, and they've really been there for me. 348 00:17:19,059 --> 00:17:21,371 That's because they got divorced. 349 00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,196 You have to know they're encouraging you. 350 00:17:23,216 --> 00:17:25,815 Misery loves company. - That is so not fair. 351 00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:29,079 I have to go to Charlie's thing, but we will talk. 352 00:17:29,104 --> 00:17:30,846 Okay? - Okay. Okay. 353 00:17:31,316 --> 00:17:32,529 Abby, Abby. 354 00:17:34,268 --> 00:17:36,340 I know you guys can work it out. 355 00:17:37,589 --> 00:17:39,356 Me too. Thank you. 356 00:17:39,393 --> 00:17:41,071 Pajama pants. 357 00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:44,170 If you weren't so good-looking, they'd take away your gay card. 358 00:17:48,090 --> 00:17:51,738 Uh, hey, I need, not a favor exactly, but the book signing at the... 359 00:17:51,808 --> 00:17:54,237 Hey, where do you get off sending those texts, Abby? We're on a break. 360 00:17:54,354 --> 00:17:55,866 I'm sorry. - The Princess Diaries? 361 00:17:55,890 --> 00:17:57,641 Well, it was funny, but you know what? 362 00:17:57,643 --> 00:17:59,609 I had a reaction, and I'm sorry. - Yeah. 363 00:17:59,611 --> 00:18:02,806 But at the signing, we need to present a united front. 364 00:18:02,861 --> 00:18:05,051 What's that mean? - You have to come. 365 00:18:05,079 --> 00:18:08,351 The book won't sell if people think we're in trouble. 366 00:18:08,353 --> 00:18:09,610 Well, then it won't sell. 367 00:18:09,681 --> 00:18:11,822 Bad enough that the kids have to live with everyone reading 368 00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:13,723 about their adorable poops and the bed wetting and... 369 00:18:13,725 --> 00:18:15,725 Those poops put you through film school. 370 00:18:15,727 --> 00:18:17,761 Maybe you should write a book about lying 'cause it turns out 371 00:18:17,762 --> 00:18:18,840 you're really good at it. - Nice. 372 00:18:18,871 --> 00:18:20,397 Hello. 373 00:18:20,399 --> 00:18:22,430 Hi. - Charlie's ready for you. 374 00:18:22,468 --> 00:18:23,804 Great. 375 00:18:24,403 --> 00:18:26,470 My mommy writes books about us. 376 00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:29,268 She was even on TV one time. 377 00:18:29,708 --> 00:18:33,149 This is me, mommy, and daddy on splash mountain. 378 00:18:33,345 --> 00:18:35,202 Best day ever. 379 00:18:43,755 --> 00:18:45,447 Screw it. 380 00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:52,276 Hey, mama, what's up? 381 00:18:52,531 --> 00:18:55,287 You win. Get me laid. 382 00:19:00,706 --> 00:19:03,549 Dan can't drive for at least three months. Doesn't look good in family court. 383 00:19:03,596 --> 00:19:07,374 If he's deemed unfit, I get full custody. Boom. - No child support for the ginger man. 384 00:19:07,398 --> 00:19:09,389 I'm judging you. - Don't give me the gesture. 385 00:19:14,219 --> 00:19:17,901 Where is everybody? - This is fab-u-lous. 386 00:19:18,340 --> 00:19:20,848 No one's dancing. - Look at you. 387 00:19:21,144 --> 00:19:22,425 Hey, baby. - Come on. 388 00:19:22,427 --> 00:19:23,841 Told you we'd make it. 389 00:19:24,396 --> 00:19:25,858 Fantastic. 390 00:19:26,565 --> 00:19:27,864 Ladies, lovely to see you. 391 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:30,837 Will, would you like to show these beauties to the other room? 392 00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:33,586 Absolutely, yes. 393 00:19:36,508 --> 00:19:38,514 It's like hipster Disneyland. 394 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:10,996 I'm so glad we're friends, mama. - Me too. 395 00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:14,129 Here you go. 396 00:20:14,979 --> 00:20:18,932 Oh, you, sir, are made of rainbows. You bring great Joy to many. 397 00:20:19,391 --> 00:20:20,638 Yes, I do. 398 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:26,990 What's the story with you and Ralf? 399 00:20:26,992 --> 00:20:28,898 You two seem awfully friendly. 400 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,797 Don't judge. - No judge. 401 00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:35,765 He gets off on paying me now. - Child support? 402 00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:38,471 No, he has to pay that and alimony. 403 00:20:39,771 --> 00:20:42,639 This is for services rendered. - What? 404 00:20:42,664 --> 00:20:44,523 I know. - Really? No. 405 00:20:44,643 --> 00:20:48,273 I get these calls sometimes in the middle of the day. He's just dying for it. 406 00:20:48,305 --> 00:20:50,914 So I just... I raise the price up and up and up, 407 00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:53,250 and he just goes up and up and up. 408 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:57,231 Like a new pair of Louboutins or... - Like a Tesla. 409 00:20:57,489 --> 00:20:59,256 What? - And now that... 410 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,715 Oh, my god. - Now that it's illicit again, he's obsessed. 411 00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,161 Oh, my god. I called you a whore. 412 00:21:05,497 --> 00:21:08,086 Please, mama, I was a model. I am a whore. 413 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:13,221 No, I got a nice settlement from Ralf, but it's always good to put money away. 414 00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:15,649 Yeah. - Thinking about starting a business. 415 00:21:15,674 --> 00:21:16,906 Really? - Yeah. 416 00:21:16,908 --> 00:21:21,117 You and Lyla are, like, these independent, lean-in women. I want that too. 417 00:21:21,220 --> 00:21:23,413 What kind of business? - I don't know. 418 00:21:23,438 --> 00:21:25,165 I'm meditating on it. 419 00:21:25,417 --> 00:21:27,725 Definitely something that helps people. 420 00:21:28,987 --> 00:21:33,345 But I didn't come to talk about me. I came to talk about you. What's up? 421 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:36,995 I've seen at least five hot guys try to get in your pants, no go? 422 00:21:37,338 --> 00:21:39,620 It's just... It's too strange. 423 00:21:39,675 --> 00:21:43,260 Why? Jake didn't waste any time getting out there. 424 00:21:43,713 --> 00:21:47,149 You need to be touched, Abby. - I know I do. 425 00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,999 You don't do something soon, 426 00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:52,604 I'm gonna have to take matters into my own hands. 427 00:21:53,090 --> 00:21:54,977 Okay. - What? 428 00:22:02,921 --> 00:22:06,144 It'll do you good, mama. That's what friends are for. 429 00:22:36,356 --> 00:22:37,968 Forgot your phone. 430 00:22:38,490 --> 00:22:39,995 Sorry, thank you. 431 00:22:40,020 --> 00:22:43,521 I thought that I was leaving, and then I ended up... 432 00:22:44,870 --> 00:22:46,575 No, it happens all the time. 433 00:22:47,949 --> 00:22:49,704 You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. 434 00:22:49,751 --> 00:22:51,517 Just... Weird night. 435 00:22:52,495 --> 00:22:55,548 And I got kissed. - Oh, I saw that. Yeah. 436 00:22:57,592 --> 00:22:59,465 So is that how you roll? 437 00:23:00,828 --> 00:23:03,901 Who knows? I have not rolled in so long. 438 00:23:07,522 --> 00:23:09,373 You are not married. 439 00:23:10,525 --> 00:23:11,772 No. 440 00:23:11,797 --> 00:23:14,704 Because when you're married, this invisible wall goes up, 441 00:23:14,729 --> 00:23:20,661 and one side is legos and stomach flus and farting 442 00:23:20,750 --> 00:23:24,171 and date nights, and then on the other side is bars 443 00:23:24,405 --> 00:23:28,302 and sexting, snorting, and bisexuals. 444 00:23:28,643 --> 00:23:33,786 But when you're on the farting side, you really don't believe in the other side. 445 00:23:34,349 --> 00:23:35,681 Here it is. - Yes. 446 00:23:37,552 --> 00:23:39,433 You people have been here all along. 447 00:23:40,137 --> 00:23:41,855 Sad but true. 448 00:23:42,294 --> 00:23:45,880 This is what I do. I talk to the bartender. 449 00:23:45,927 --> 00:23:50,303 Actually, the manager, but, you know, it's all right. I'll let it go. 450 00:23:52,867 --> 00:23:54,651 I like talking to you. 451 00:23:57,405 --> 00:24:01,498 Can I... Try something? 452 00:24:02,644 --> 00:24:03,910 Please. 453 00:24:29,771 --> 00:24:31,804 That's how I roll. Thank you. 454 00:24:31,806 --> 00:24:34,183 Wait. Whoa, whoa, no, whoa. 455 00:24:34,876 --> 00:24:36,576 Not so fast. 456 00:24:42,283 --> 00:24:43,531 Oh, hey, man. 457 00:24:43,556 --> 00:24:47,048 Abby, this is Mike, my roommate, and, uh, those guys. 458 00:24:47,267 --> 00:24:48,850 Hi. - Hey. 459 00:24:51,559 --> 00:24:52,956 What are you reading? 460 00:24:54,929 --> 00:24:57,179 Oh, elephant things. - Yeah. 461 00:24:57,865 --> 00:24:59,643 Hey, come here. 462 00:25:00,668 --> 00:25:02,369 I just need, uh, a minute. 463 00:25:03,671 --> 00:25:05,149 I, um... 464 00:25:06,474 --> 00:25:07,802 It's been a long time, 465 00:25:07,909 --> 00:25:10,104 and you would be my first younger man. 466 00:25:10,783 --> 00:25:13,312 Not that much. 28. 467 00:25:14,196 --> 00:25:15,559 That's funny. 468 00:25:15,727 --> 00:25:19,227 You know, I've never been with a woman who's had children before, so that's... 469 00:25:19,539 --> 00:25:23,305 Okay, well, on a scale from one to ten, 470 00:25:23,367 --> 00:25:26,792 one being a virgin and ten being throwing a hot dog 471 00:25:26,794 --> 00:25:30,250 down a hallway, I would say that I am a five. 472 00:25:31,332 --> 00:25:33,667 That... That is good to know. 473 00:25:45,346 --> 00:25:47,100 I'm gonna undress you now. 474 00:25:47,348 --> 00:25:49,134 It'll make the sex easier. 475 00:26:00,962 --> 00:26:04,927 You're a looker, aren't you? - Thank you. 476 00:26:05,433 --> 00:26:07,681 No, I mean, you're an eye looker. 477 00:26:07,702 --> 00:26:11,631 You look at women with your eyes. 478 00:26:12,807 --> 00:26:14,658 As opposed to my elbows? 479 00:26:16,010 --> 00:26:17,660 Wow, you are beautiful. 480 00:26:20,581 --> 00:26:22,448 Sorry. Sorry. 481 00:26:27,422 --> 00:26:29,134 Sorry. - Yeah, no, of course. 482 00:26:29,590 --> 00:26:32,696 Hey. It's 2:00 in the morning. 483 00:26:33,728 --> 00:26:35,948 I'm sorry you can't sleep. 484 00:26:37,031 --> 00:26:40,438 No, I have not decided about Jade's birthday party. 485 00:26:40,702 --> 00:26:42,028 Tomorrow. 486 00:26:42,437 --> 00:26:45,015 I promise. Go to sleep. 487 00:26:46,741 --> 00:26:48,250 I love you. 488 00:26:49,610 --> 00:26:51,095 Teenage drama. 489 00:26:51,846 --> 00:26:53,579 I think I should just go home. 490 00:26:53,728 --> 00:26:55,014 No, no, no, no, no. 491 00:26:55,016 --> 00:26:56,538 No way. No. 492 00:26:57,552 --> 00:27:01,754 I am gonna give you the younger man experience. 493 00:27:14,669 --> 00:27:16,041 Shivers. 494 00:27:16,738 --> 00:27:19,973 I think I'm a little natural for you guys down there. 495 00:27:20,343 --> 00:27:23,667 No. No, no, no, that's cool. I like that. 496 00:27:23,711 --> 00:27:26,145 You do? I'm really hairy. 497 00:27:53,975 --> 00:27:55,175 Balls. 498 00:27:55,200 --> 00:27:57,061 What? - Balls. Touch 'em. 499 00:27:58,045 --> 00:28:00,932 Touch 'em. - Oh, sorry. 500 00:28:05,586 --> 00:28:09,021 Jake. Oh, that's... Oh, god. - Yep. 501 00:28:09,023 --> 00:28:10,623 I'm sorry. - Nope. No. It's fine. 502 00:28:10,625 --> 00:28:11,857 That's horrible. - It's fine. It's okay. 503 00:28:11,859 --> 00:28:13,526 It's a bad habit. - It's okay. 504 00:28:13,528 --> 00:28:14,760 It's okay. - I'm so sorry. 505 00:28:14,762 --> 00:28:17,651 Abby, I'm really trying to focus here. 506 00:28:18,132 --> 00:28:20,258 I'm working hard, wouldn't you say? 507 00:28:34,643 --> 00:28:35,943 Incredible. 508 00:28:36,946 --> 00:28:38,304 Yeah, it was. 509 00:28:42,831 --> 00:28:45,276 I mean, it's been so long, you could have just put it in 510 00:28:45,278 --> 00:28:47,312 and not moved, and my mind would have blown, 511 00:28:47,314 --> 00:28:48,859 so don't get a big head. 512 00:28:48,971 --> 00:28:52,706 I mean, we did go more than once. - Yeah, but you're, like, two, 513 00:28:52,707 --> 00:28:54,707 so you probably had six orgasms already today. 514 00:28:54,710 --> 00:28:56,700 Five, but who's counting? 515 00:29:03,085 --> 00:29:04,368 So, um... 516 00:29:06,755 --> 00:29:09,045 You think you can? You know... 517 00:29:09,662 --> 00:29:11,281 Stay married? 518 00:29:12,695 --> 00:29:16,112 He found these emails between me and someone else. 519 00:29:17,366 --> 00:29:18,773 Did you love him? 520 00:29:18,968 --> 00:29:21,956 It was intense but never physical. 521 00:29:22,371 --> 00:29:25,810 He was just great with words. 522 00:29:26,742 --> 00:29:28,022 Stupid. 523 00:29:30,713 --> 00:29:32,508 Maybe I wanted to get caught. 524 00:29:34,750 --> 00:29:36,800 Anything but go on the way we were. 525 00:29:37,386 --> 00:29:38,927 Oh, I'm sorry. 526 00:29:39,722 --> 00:29:41,787 I don't know how... That must have been hard. 527 00:29:51,770 --> 00:29:53,758 I want to cook for you. 528 00:29:55,074 --> 00:29:57,063 Can you hang out tomorrow? 529 00:29:59,945 --> 00:30:02,850 Come on, you had a lot to drink. - Why don't you stay? 530 00:30:03,335 --> 00:30:06,235 I'm fine. - Well, how do I get a hold of you? 531 00:30:06,441 --> 00:30:08,352 Let's just let it happen. 532 00:30:08,354 --> 00:30:10,696 What? What does that even mean? 533 00:30:11,090 --> 00:30:12,987 Bye. - Bye. 534 00:30:13,792 --> 00:30:16,875 Hang on. Here. - Oh, thank you. 535 00:30:18,597 --> 00:30:20,205 There you go. - Thanks. 536 00:30:20,710 --> 00:30:24,045 Thanks a lot. Really. 537 00:30:47,793 --> 00:30:49,847 Hey, it's me. 538 00:30:50,129 --> 00:30:51,647 Are you okay? 539 00:30:51,697 --> 00:30:54,664 Yeah. Um, good news. 540 00:30:54,666 --> 00:30:57,519 My vagina is not dead. It was just in a coma. 541 00:30:57,870 --> 00:31:00,413 Oh, that is good news. 542 00:31:01,039 --> 00:31:04,699 The bad news is that I said Jake's name twice. 543 00:31:05,144 --> 00:31:07,410 It's like 1/3 of my sex vocabulary. 544 00:31:08,013 --> 00:31:10,418 Can't just shake it off, huh, all those years? 545 00:31:12,851 --> 00:31:15,085 Sweet pea, it's 5:00 A.M. 546 00:31:17,923 --> 00:31:19,221 Crap. 547 00:31:52,506 --> 00:31:54,810 About the book signing today... - Was it him? 548 00:31:55,794 --> 00:31:58,982 Oh, god. I told you it wasn't like that. 549 00:32:00,232 --> 00:32:02,860 I can't do this anymore, Abby. - The shrink says... 550 00:32:02,901 --> 00:32:05,757 Oh, my god, screw the shrink. There's no way this is good for anybody. 551 00:32:05,782 --> 00:32:08,582 The kids, the kids. - Sneaking in, having sex with other people? 552 00:32:08,606 --> 00:32:09,899 Jesus. - You did, right? 553 00:32:09,930 --> 00:32:12,293 - You had sex with somebody else. - Really? - Yes. 554 00:32:12,778 --> 00:32:15,712 Well, who you gonna bang now that gossip girl's off the air, Jake? 555 00:32:15,736 --> 00:32:17,192 After we were separated, Abby. 556 00:32:17,616 --> 00:32:19,537 You're the one who... - I never touched him. 557 00:32:19,569 --> 00:32:21,145 What you did was worse. 558 00:32:21,215 --> 00:32:24,120 Yeah, you felt for him and confided in somebody. 559 00:32:24,122 --> 00:32:26,286 Because he listened. - Oh, Jesus. 560 00:32:26,409 --> 00:32:28,368 He didn't feign interest while he surfed the web. 561 00:32:28,410 --> 00:32:31,077 He didn't take a dump whilei was pouring my heart out to him. 562 00:32:31,079 --> 00:32:32,513 It happened once. - I begged you. 563 00:32:32,544 --> 00:32:35,098 I asked you, "talk to me," "make love to me." 564 00:32:35,123 --> 00:32:36,920 I was tired. 565 00:32:36,983 --> 00:32:39,083 For five years? 566 00:32:44,209 --> 00:32:46,508 You want to make love? - What? 567 00:32:46,578 --> 00:32:49,833 Let's do it. No, I mean, we've talked, and we've talked, and we've talked. 568 00:32:50,059 --> 00:32:51,722 It's gotten us nowhere. 569 00:32:52,335 --> 00:32:54,335 Let's make love. 570 00:32:54,554 --> 00:32:57,843 Is this a man thing, someone else peed on me and now you need to pee on me? 571 00:32:57,867 --> 00:32:59,456 Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. 572 00:33:11,603 --> 00:33:13,470 Take off your dress. - No, I can't. 573 00:33:13,562 --> 00:33:14,973 I can't, I can't, I can't. 574 00:33:15,043 --> 00:33:16,380 Jesus Christ. 575 00:33:17,142 --> 00:33:18,991 I'm sorry. - Is your skin crawling? 576 00:33:19,038 --> 00:33:20,562 Is that what it's like now? - It's not your fault. 577 00:33:20,587 --> 00:33:22,874 That your skin is crawling? - Let's just make an appointment with the shrink. 578 00:33:22,899 --> 00:33:25,433 We can't talk without a doctor? - No, I just don't want... 579 00:33:25,457 --> 00:33:27,812 To say anything that we can't take back. - Why not? 580 00:33:27,853 --> 00:33:30,120 Are you fighting for this because it's what you want 581 00:33:30,122 --> 00:33:32,062 or because you just can't admit that you failed? 582 00:33:32,087 --> 00:33:34,132 That is not fair. - No, you're the answer lady. 583 00:33:34,163 --> 00:33:36,451 You sell answers. Great family. - I do not sell. 584 00:33:36,453 --> 00:33:39,796 And who's gonna want your answers? - I write about things I loved. 585 00:33:39,798 --> 00:33:42,933 I loved us. - Screw you and your past tense. 586 00:33:42,935 --> 00:33:44,267 Oh. - Yeah. 587 00:33:44,269 --> 00:33:45,569 We're done. We're over. 588 00:33:45,597 --> 00:33:48,238 And then what? Two houses? 589 00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:51,207 Kids shuttling back and forth? Lawyers? I don't want that life. 590 00:33:51,232 --> 00:33:52,704 Well, too bad. You made your bed. 591 00:33:52,744 --> 00:33:54,833 No, don't put this on me because I'm right here. 592 00:33:54,857 --> 00:33:57,708 With your skin crawling, Abby. - Well, Jake, and yours not? 593 00:33:57,749 --> 00:34:01,184 You could not have gotten out of here fast enough once you had an excuse, 594 00:34:01,209 --> 00:34:03,905 and for what? What did you want? Those stupid jeans? 595 00:34:03,936 --> 00:34:05,803 That stupid car and all the... - Screw you. 596 00:34:05,827 --> 00:34:07,248 Manscaping? 597 00:34:07,292 --> 00:34:09,426 Or is it just all the new pussy making you crazy? 598 00:34:09,450 --> 00:34:11,680 Oh, it's the old pussy. 599 00:34:14,673 --> 00:34:15,873 Hey, Abby. - No. 600 00:34:15,897 --> 00:34:17,497 Come on. - You don't get to say that. 601 00:34:17,521 --> 00:34:18,668 Yeah. - No. 602 00:34:18,670 --> 00:34:21,304 Abby, please. Abby. - What are you doing? 603 00:34:21,334 --> 00:34:22,534 Mommy. 604 00:34:23,375 --> 00:34:25,275 Go back to your room. 605 00:34:25,611 --> 00:34:28,634 I know you guys are getting a divorce. - We're not getting a divorce. 606 00:34:28,658 --> 00:34:30,629 Abby, yes, we are. 607 00:34:31,016 --> 00:34:32,945 We're not lying to you anymore. 608 00:34:34,041 --> 00:34:35,674 What's a divorce? 609 00:34:39,157 --> 00:34:40,699 Mom, I'm not an idiot. 610 00:34:40,826 --> 00:34:43,571 Dad doesn't even live here anymore. - Lilly. 611 00:34:44,568 --> 00:34:46,702 Why didn't you say anything? - I don't know, mom. 612 00:34:46,726 --> 00:34:48,866 I thought maybe that'd be your job. 613 00:34:49,935 --> 00:34:53,234 And are you wearing my earrings? 614 00:34:53,972 --> 00:34:55,854 Oh, my god. 615 00:34:56,742 --> 00:34:57,983 Lilly. 616 00:35:00,779 --> 00:35:02,059 Lilly. 617 00:35:03,148 --> 00:35:04,694 It's your penis. 618 00:35:04,883 --> 00:35:07,791 It's not a penis, honey. - Penis, penis, penis. 619 00:35:21,209 --> 00:35:23,186 Mom? - Yeah, baby. 620 00:35:23,211 --> 00:35:25,244 Next year when I'm a special person, 621 00:35:25,246 --> 00:35:29,193 will you and daddy both come, or will I have to do it twice? 622 00:35:29,248 --> 00:35:33,642 No, just once, and daddy and I will still do lots of stuff with you. 623 00:35:33,667 --> 00:35:36,612 Okay? Promise. - Okay, bye, mom. I'll see you after school. 624 00:35:36,659 --> 00:35:38,620 I love you. - I love you too. 625 00:35:38,685 --> 00:35:40,150 Have a good day. 626 00:35:50,205 --> 00:35:51,428 Hey. 627 00:35:53,274 --> 00:35:55,468 Come to talk to me, please? 628 00:35:56,931 --> 00:36:01,391 I thought we were keeping it together, but it's over. 629 00:36:01,549 --> 00:36:04,820 Jake said he's calling a lawyer today. Yeah. 630 00:36:05,253 --> 00:36:06,738 Abby. - Yeah. 631 00:36:07,255 --> 00:36:10,556 That doesn't mean he really will. You want me to go talk to him? 632 00:36:10,619 --> 00:36:13,648 No. Max, it's done. He's gone. 633 00:36:14,181 --> 00:36:18,415 He's banging some actress. Becca Riley from the CW. 634 00:36:18,485 --> 00:36:20,655 He's banging Becca Riley? 635 00:36:21,136 --> 00:36:22,788 Sorry. Sorry. 636 00:36:24,121 --> 00:36:28,621 Oh, my god. I got my book signing at Barnes and Noble today. 637 00:36:28,734 --> 00:36:30,623 How am I gonna sell? 638 00:36:33,012 --> 00:36:36,054 I'm a liar, awful, pants on fire. 639 00:36:36,182 --> 00:36:38,588 You're only a liar if you give up. 640 00:36:42,059 --> 00:36:45,392 Shit happens, but you don't leave. 641 00:36:46,829 --> 00:36:48,330 That's what we all signed up for. 642 00:36:49,085 --> 00:36:51,725 That's marriage. - But it's not always that simple. 643 00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:56,688 I guess I don't understand. 644 00:36:56,936 --> 00:36:59,830 It's not like anybody was getting hit or 645 00:36:59,972 --> 00:37:02,224 was an alcoholic or anything. 646 00:37:05,044 --> 00:37:08,285 I'm so sorry I didn't get hit. I realize that's hard for you. 647 00:37:09,682 --> 00:37:11,880 What? Abby, no, don't. Don't. 648 00:37:12,471 --> 00:37:14,471 Abby, I didn't mean it that way. 649 00:37:14,873 --> 00:37:16,774 I didn't mean it that way. 650 00:37:29,655 --> 00:37:31,520 There you are. - I got your text. 651 00:37:31,557 --> 00:37:33,007 Are you okay? - Just my makeup 652 00:37:33,057 --> 00:37:34,458 and having to sell books. 653 00:37:34,537 --> 00:37:35,859 Oh, no. Come here. 654 00:37:35,861 --> 00:37:38,313 Kids know. Lilly knew. - Come here. 655 00:37:38,597 --> 00:37:40,181 Jake wants to file, 656 00:37:40,579 --> 00:37:44,454 and I had sex with some hot guy. 657 00:37:44,510 --> 00:37:46,969 You little dog. - And then I yell out Jake's name. 658 00:37:47,005 --> 00:37:50,574 You know, I closed my eyes, and it was like the ghost of Jake yelling, 659 00:37:50,576 --> 00:37:52,310 "Touch my balls. Touch my balls." 660 00:37:52,349 --> 00:37:55,458 Yeah, but, you know, new balls make us nostalgic, you know. 661 00:37:55,513 --> 00:37:57,558 You're only human. - And then the kid was like, 662 00:37:57,582 --> 00:37:59,683 let's hang, and let's cook. - That's nice. 663 00:37:59,685 --> 00:38:01,638 That's awful. - Two houses. 664 00:38:01,794 --> 00:38:03,928 Two of everything. - Don't get ahead of yourself. 665 00:38:03,956 --> 00:38:06,134 Take it easy. What do you need? - I can't breathe. 666 00:38:06,163 --> 00:38:08,103 I have Ativan, Klonopin. - Oh, my god, I can't breathe. 667 00:38:08,105 --> 00:38:08,992 Dilaudid. - Okay. 668 00:38:08,994 --> 00:38:10,527 I have Vico-doodles. - You pick. 669 00:38:10,529 --> 00:38:11,958 Okay. - God. 670 00:38:12,017 --> 00:38:13,986 Good, good, good, good. Do you have water? 671 00:38:14,011 --> 00:38:15,876 You ready? - Okay. 672 00:38:15,901 --> 00:38:17,101 Here you go. - You're okay. 673 00:38:17,126 --> 00:38:18,993 And so it's such a treat to have her here. 674 00:38:19,017 --> 00:38:23,088 Please welcome the author of The Girlfriends' Guide to getting your groove back. 675 00:38:23,451 --> 00:38:27,172 How To Love Your Husband and your family without losing your mind, 676 00:38:28,013 --> 00:38:29,613 Abby McCarthy. 677 00:38:31,617 --> 00:38:32,922 Thank you. 678 00:38:34,787 --> 00:38:36,833 Thank you. 679 00:38:38,590 --> 00:38:40,462 I just... I want to... 680 00:38:40,506 --> 00:38:43,035 I want to actually really thank my incredible friends. 681 00:38:43,095 --> 00:38:44,601 So gorgeous. 682 00:38:44,763 --> 00:38:47,589 We are very close, and, you know... 683 00:38:48,066 --> 00:38:51,374 Phoebe showed us her boobs. That makes us close. 684 00:38:52,538 --> 00:38:56,526 And, uh, okay, I'm gonna... Right. 685 00:38:58,076 --> 00:39:02,273 Um, I think that my book 686 00:39:02,748 --> 00:39:05,818 can help you get your groove on, 687 00:39:06,520 --> 00:39:08,533 and I, uh, 688 00:39:10,248 --> 00:39:12,208 believed it all when I wrote it. 689 00:39:15,761 --> 00:39:18,097 But now I think, what a pile of horseshit. 690 00:39:19,345 --> 00:39:22,612 I mean, it should be called not in love anymore? 691 00:39:23,168 --> 00:39:24,701 You can stay married. 692 00:39:24,784 --> 00:39:27,567 What did you give her? - Don't blame the pills. 693 00:39:27,639 --> 00:39:30,157 But screw that. You deserve more than that. 694 00:39:30,876 --> 00:39:33,287 I mean, women can be funny. 695 00:39:33,512 --> 00:39:37,869 We can be so there and so present, 696 00:39:37,950 --> 00:39:41,229 but if our hearts shut down, 697 00:39:41,939 --> 00:39:45,195 you can open them again with a blowtorch, 698 00:39:45,657 --> 00:39:47,578 and this book, 699 00:39:50,954 --> 00:39:53,354 I mean, I still think there's some good advice in there 700 00:39:53,378 --> 00:39:56,750 if you actually feel something, honestly, 701 00:39:57,829 --> 00:40:00,188 and I wasn't trying to sell you a lie. 702 00:40:00,272 --> 00:40:01,599 I was... 703 00:40:04,810 --> 00:40:07,684 I mean, there were times when I would watch my husband sleeping, 704 00:40:07,746 --> 00:40:09,339 and I would just think, 705 00:40:10,516 --> 00:40:13,565 if you would just die, it'd be so much easier. 706 00:40:25,864 --> 00:40:27,760 Does anyone want their book signed? 707 00:40:28,000 --> 00:40:29,378 Seriously? 708 00:40:32,938 --> 00:40:34,179 Okay. 709 00:40:51,013 --> 00:40:52,512 GIRLFRIENDS GUIDE TO GETTING YOUR GROOVE BACK 710 00:41:09,164 --> 00:41:11,257 Well, she is screwed. 711 00:41:16,835 --> 00:41:21,335 Sync and corrections: minouhse www.addic7ed.com