In conclusion, let me just put this
as plainly and simply as I can.
If you can not eliminate any collateral burden that would
validate the Constitutionality of Mr. Andre's apprehension,
than probably cause for the warrant must be excoriated.
Excoriate, from the Latin, excoriates,
past participle, excoriare, "ex" meaning out of,
plus "Corium," meaning skin,
which makes my client... not guilty.
I mean, does it get any simpler than that?
Yes, it does, it does get simpler than that.
The defense rests, Your Honor.
Nailed it.
Is that how you do trials in corporate law?
Oh, no, no, no, we never saw the inside of a courtroom.
No, it was all just filing briefs,
and conference calls with Dubai.
Can you believe this was my first jury trial?
- No. - Yup.
Now, do you think it was too much reading all of
Miranda versus Arizona?
No, I'm... I'm sure the bus driver
and professional birthday clown got it.
Yeah, it looks like everyone's all aboard
the "not guilty" express.
Next up, "not guilty" town.
Will the defendant rise.
The clerk will now read the verdicts.
On count one in the matter of
people versus Neil Gabriel Andre,
we the people find the defendant guilty.
Count two, we the people find the defendant guilty.
Count three, guilty.
Count four, not guilty.
Oh, no sorry, That's a typo... guilty.
My bad.
Oops.
Benched - 01x04 Sell It
In the abrogation of scurrilous ineptitude...
Collateral burdens that would validate
the Constitutionality.
Wou... would you like a spot of tea?
Are we doing Downton Abbey?
What the hell was that?
I mean, it's not the supreme court.
It's a freaking jury.
Half of them think that Two and Half Men
is actually happening.
Okay, my arguments were bulletproof.
Listen, I know the nuances of talking to a jury
is a learned thing, but how much time you got?
I have an hour before jury selection.
Oh, you're dead. She's boned.
What, are you gonna quiz the jurors
on the Sherman Aust act of 1890?
- Is that a real thing? - Yes, Cheryl.
All right, what have you got? Let's hear it.
No, I feel like they covered it.
Oh, come on, you piece of crap.
Well, I just lost my entire opening argument.
- Oh, well. - Wait, you have a trial?
Yeah, going up against your ex, Trent,
and I hate going up against him,
because I get really competitive,
and I hate being competitive, but he makes me competitive,
but I'm not competitive guy. I mean, I-m... I'm the kind of guy
that everyone gets a trophy, kind of guy,
but, now I just want to kick Trent's ass.
Do I have it in me? Is today the day?
Probably not, stay tuned.
You're not listening. Who's that, Miss January?
No, it's O'Shea "Tinsy" Curtis, armed robbery.
Okay, the jury will convict him on that face alone.
Good luck with that.
Winning over a jury is simple.
It's like talking to your peers.
Well, your sixth grade peers.
So the jury is pubescent dumbs-dumbs.
No, no, they're not dumb-dumbs,
they're-they're smart-dumbs.
It... it's... it's... it's a very subtle difference.
It's like jazz. If you have to explain it,
then you'll never understand.
Wow, you're great at giving advice.
You're taking advice from a guy who can't figure out how to shave?
Hello, respected colleague, she said platonically.
- Hm. - No, I'm just taking your ex,
here, through some of the finer points
of my lawyering techniques.
Simplify, okay. Just keep it simple.
When you've simplified it, simplify even more. It's easy.
Don't, you don't have to dumb it down.
You just have to be the one they all look up to.
It's like you're the cool boss
at an office party, telling a joke.
Yeah, yeah, an office party full of wood shop students.
No, not... not wood shop students,
like Terry from accounting, or Stan from HR.
Gary, the guy that can't get the dip on the chip.
And Gary's life partner, who invented Phil's penis pump.
And Trent's hair plugs will be there.
Okay, this is fun, but I have to go.
Hey, why don't you come watch me convict Phil's client
- for dealing oxy. - Ah, allegedly.
Might learn something.
- Yeah? - No.
- No, not today.
- Oh, not today, but maybe? - No.
Damn it.
Objection.
Motion sustained,
30, love.
You play tennis, right, Trent?
Oh, yes, Your Honor, I played last week
at Highland Grove Country Club.
Ooh, I love that club.
They make a dynamite Cubano sandwich,
made by an actual Cuban.
- Wow. - Did you know that?
I didn't, but it sounds delicious.
Uh, if... if it please the court, we would like to listen...
Sit down.
Mr. Prosecutor, your serve.
Hey, how's your non-competition going
with Trent? Did you beat him?
- Was today the day? - So you were listening.
I thought this whole Trent thing was about us being lawyers.
Apparently, now it's about tennis.
He's got this, like, charm offensive crap that he's pulling
with judge ickles, who normally hates everybody,
- Mm-hm. - Right?
Now, he's looking at Trent
like he's on the cover of Maxim.
I don't get it. Does Trent even play tennis?
Oh, yeah, but he's terrible.
He used to just SWAT at the ball,
and then throw his racket down,
and then we'd drive home in, like,
a real awkward silence.
Really, see, this stuff.
You guys used to be boning partners.
How about some of that inside info?
Ew, no, God.
Okay, well, there was this one time where he... he spilled
his Rogaine on his balls, and there was just so...
It was like a chia pet. It was... it... it puffed up.
I mean, it's like it was so... really furry.
- That is... - Not the info you needed.
That's not the info anyone needed, no.
- Got it. All right. - Just tell me how to beat him.
No, I am not... I am not getting involved
in your weird pissing match. Uh-uh, no.
Okay, I don't care.
All right, okay, all right, well I'll tell you
one thing, okay? The key to Trent is his confidence.
You got to beat him at something in order to beat him
at something else, and then once he smells defeat,
his confidence is shaken.
Oh, give me that.
Kind of like how I just shook yours?
Psh, you did not shake my confidence,
- I just... I don't have nails. - Oh, okay.
Well, I'll beat him at something.
Well, good luck with that. I have a jury to impress.
That's right. Remember, sixth graders, not office party.
- Got it. - One syllable words.
- Got it. - Helps if they rhyme.
Oh my God, you're still talking.
Can I get a different...
Nothing further, Your Honor.
What a fun guy. What a fun guy.
But, uh, truth be told, I can be pretty fun, myself.
So, buckle up.
My name is Nina,
and this is an assault case.
You ever been assaulted?
Yes, I was rudely addressed by Philip Roth, once.
I am very sorry.
Okay, this is great, this is like
a... a fun office party, right? You're here, guy in the...
The blue shirt and the tie.
Um... Joseph Daniels.
I've never been assaulted.
My boss is black, and yes, I can be impartial.
See you got a wedding band on your... your finger there,
but it says here that you're single,
so... sending me mixed signals there, Joey.
My wife left me a month ago.
I'm gonna go ahead and correct your file here,
and just put that down.
Hey, how'd it go? Did you keep it simple?
I tried simple. I tried fun party guy,
but it's not my approach. It's me.
Apparently, I'm unlikeable.
This looks nothing like you.
- Thank you. - Except the fangs.
I have to admit, these are the most hateful jury doodles
I've ever seen.
Ooh, scary kitty.
I always found a way to win,
but how do you win likeability?
I mean, in civil law, it doesn't matter if you're liked.
You're supposed to be ruthless.
I mean, you actually get bonus points if you make
a Japanese businessman cry, which I did three times.
Maybe you should smile more.
I smile all the time.
You never smiled at me.
How long has Boring Larry been sitting over there?
He's been here the whole time.
You just got to win them over, Nina, that's all there is to it.
Right, but how do I win over a jury that already hates me?
I'd love to help you, but I'm kind of busy.
Yeah, me too.
Maybe if you bought us lunch?
- Lunch? - Ooh!
You know, lunch, sandwiches, soup, chips perhaps.
- I know what lunch is, Boring Larry. - We don't call him that to his face.
I am so sorry... just Larry.
Bitch, you don't know me.
- Okay, let's see what you got. - Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, there is a preponderance of evidence...
Too much eye contact.
- You're freaking me out. - Okay, my client Tinsy Curtis-
Don't look at the ground,
it makes you look shifty.
All right, maybe we just retire that buzzer sound.
I... I'm scared.
You... you're scared?
You're gesturing like a traffic cop.
I hate traffic.
F... funny story, I borrow my roommate's Saturn.
It's a stick. Suddenly, I got three pedals.
Guess how many feet I've got?
I wasn't even gesturing.
Now, you're being argumentative.
Okay, well, I'm sorry.
Now, you sound like a bitch.
Mm, and it's your arms. Uncross them.
You look like a schoolteacher.
Phil said to talk to them like they're sixth graders.
No, no, no, no, only Phil can do Phil.
You relax, just try not to try so hard.
Okay, my client Tinsy...
I'm finding it really hard to like this woman.
What, what, what, what are you talking about?
It's those clomping heels,
the sound of girls rejecting me in high school.
All right, I can not control what happened to you
- in high school. - Yes, you can.
Okay, you have to convince them that you're
the only white lady who gets how oppressive the system is.
Do what I do... mention Martin Luther King.
Everyone loves a freedom fighter.
Burt, you've been here the longest. What do I do?
Well, I can just tell you what my gunny sergeant told me
on my first tour in Vietnam.
Don't sh... your pants, but if you do sh... your pants,
change your pants.
- What? - Change your pants.
Okay, thanks.
Hey, Phil, have you seen Nina?
I had a little more advice for her.
Ah, she's all set on the advice front,
unless you want to explain to her how to extract your head
from an elderly judge's ass.
There are no heads in anyone's asses, all right?
We're just a couple of people with a common interest
in the game of tennis.
Oh, so what, you're some, big shot tennis player, huh?
Yeah, I'm not bad. I know my way around a racket.
Oh, come on, who is bad at tennis, right?
I mean, little kids play it, old men play it.
I saw a dog play it on Letterman, once.
Anyone can play. Very few can compete.
Well, I play real sports, so tennis,
I'm sure I could just pick it up, wing it.
So if I were to call my club,
set up a match, you'd be up for that?
Yeah, you call your club, set up a match.
I'll make a fool of myself.
- That's your specialty. - Hm.
- Consider it done. - Okay.
I'll meet you by the whites-only bathroom.
Hi, Natasha. I might've crossed a line.
Okay.
- Hey. - Hey.
You ready to win them over?
I don't know, cross my arms,
eye contact, be a freedom fighter.
- I'm so inside my head right now. - Why are you tiptoeing?
So that my heels don't remind you of a girl
who wouldn't bone you in high school.
Okay, that seems like a bigger conversation.
Okay, I'm gonna go do this thing.
Tone down the gestures.
What gestures?
Right, I look like a bitch.
Ladies and gentlemen, you guys...
How you doing?
So they say this is a robbery case,
but really, it is a case of false identification,
and the victim here is my client,
a very gentle man...
Named Tinsy.
Do you remember, in... in sixth grade,
when you were assigned a book that you didn't like,
and... and you thought, "this book's pretentious",
or "uses too many big words,"
or "this book's a bitch,"
but then you got to know the book,
and you thought "wow, this book is really nice,
and has feelings," right?
And just like that book,
you can't judge my client, Tinsy, by his cover.
Wait, no, I'm... I'm the book, and I'm telling you the story
in the book, which is him.
I'm more the narrator here, and I don't want
to overanalyze the metaphor, okay?
I... I... look, I had this all worked out.
Stop gesturing.
Martin Luther King!
God, that felt so good, getting out,
blowing off some steam, kicking your ass.
All right, look, you won, I bought you a drink,
we just wrap up the gloating,
so we can get this over with?
Oh, no, I'd never drink anything
from this Hep C incubator.
I just wanted you to have to pay for it.
Smells like feet.
So, I beat you on the tennis court,
and tomorrow, I'll beat you on the court-court.
It's two courts, same result,
and that is a little wordplay.
Have a good night.
Hey.
Oh my God.
Oh my God, what was in that?
I have no idea. That was here when we came in.
You said that he wasn't any good at tennis.
He's not. You must really suck.
No, I'm good. I played in college.
I was... I was ranked. I'm amazing.
This was supposed to be a hustle.
You suck at giving advice.
Oh, yeah, and you and... and Trent really brought me
to the advice-giving promised land with my trial.
What are you talking about? I gave you good, simple advice.
No, you and your little band of boners got me all
in my freaking head.
Nina, come on, listen, at the end of the day,
you got to realize that you are your own worst enemy,
and sometimes, you're your own best friend in this job,
so just stop listening to everybody else,
and asking for their advice, and just... I don't know.
Follow your gut.
All right, I know what I need to do.
Hey, can I have another whatever that was?
- Mm, mm. - Thank you.
That's in me.
There you go.
Oh, I'm cramping.
So, this is hard for me to say,
but, um... I'm hurting your case.
I mean, it's not that I am a bad lawyer.
I am a great lawyer.
In a hostile takeover, I would outfox anyone,
but unfortunately, that doesn't lend itself
to likeability, and you need someone really likeable,
because, although you are innocent,
you're straight-up terrifying.
So, that's why I'm getting you reassigned.
Oh, God, oh, God, here it comes.
Oh my gosh, this is how I go.
Your chair.
How do you ladies walk in those heels?
You sound like you had a rotten day.
Huh.
- Here we go, let's go. - Yeah, yeah.
Through the legs, spin.
No, counterclockwise.
Jump high.
And that's an "E", which spells "horse," again.
Guess you need some icy hot for that tennis elbow.
Oh, I guess you need some rhinestones
for your vajazzling.
- I don't know what that means. - One more game,
- come on, best of 13. - Phil,
Phil, let me just stop you right there, okay?
This whole thing, this competition...
Competition?
What... that's not... I'm not a competitive guy.
That is not me, ask around.
Dude, you had to play me in tennis, now horse.
What's next, huh, a freaking bake off?
Look, you just need to face it.
You're never gonna beat me at anything,
so let's just go back to court,
and let me finish you off... this off.
This trial.
Hey, you guys, I got to thank you.
Your advice, I just had a breakthrough with my case.
I have a whole new plan. Tinsy, he's gonna be a free man.
Good, good, glad I was able to help.
No, no, no, not you. It was Phil.
Thank you for what you said last night.
Game changer, thank you.
H-how, how last night? How?
Well, I just, uh, do what I do, yup,
and if what I did convinces Nina to take my stage advice
instead of your stupid, crappy advice,
I guess, I don't know, sue me.
You know what, fine, I lost once,
but you lost every other time.
Yeah, but the one that I won just happened,
so it's new. It's fresh, super fresh.
How do you feel, huh?
Reeling a little bit before you go back into court?
- You gonna be okay there, huh? - Yeah.
Yeah, maybe get some Rogaine, and put it on your ballsack.
That'll make you feel better.
Where'd you hear that? I don't even...
I don't even do that. I don't... I don't.
Uh-oh, where's Nina?
Micah, where's Nina?
She's late.
Thank you, I so enjoy our talks.
I'm so sorry I'm late, Your Honor.
- What happened to you? - Oh, I'm fine.
- I'm fine, it's okay. - Are you okay?
- No, I'm great. - You don't look okay.
I'm all right.
Okay. I'm great.
- Sorry. - Thank you, thank you.
No, that's good, it's okay.
All right.
Oops, it's... upsy-daisy.
- Okay, okay. - Just get that out of there.
There you go.
You've all seen the evidence.
Okay, it was dark, someone got mugged,
and then later, someone saw Tinsy Curtis,
and said it was him.
Now, I know you understand the evidence,
or lack thereof,
since it's my job to make you understand.
Oh, may I?
Even if you clearly don't like me for doing that job.
Oh, that drawing's really good.
- Not for Nina. - None of you know Tinsy.
Oh, yeah, they hate her, oh.
You don't, you've just seen him sit over here in his chair.
And now, let me ask you this quick question.
Is sitting in a chair... is that scary?
You ever been on the Batman ride?
Shh.
You can't judge a person by the way they look.
You judge them on their actions.
The defense rests, Your Honor.
Ooh. Oh.
Mm. Oh, thank you so much.
There you go.
I still think they don't like her.
It's not about her. It's about him.
Oh. Him who?
No, it's a false statement, a false statement, Your Honor.
I will warn you again, counselor
I think you heard him. Piece... it doesn't matter.
- No, he... - You heard him,
ladies and gentlemen...
that means absolutely nothing. Well, there was intent,
- that's all that really matters. - Doesn't matter
- what the intent is. - A piece of...
It's a false statement.
Oh, I think it does.
Your Honor?
Uh, Your Honor?
Great, ickles strokes out, now, we got an instant mistrial.
Poor bastard. Paramedic said he'll be fine,
so I guess nobody wins, huh?
Well, I mean, I was clearly gonna win before he froze.
What? No he was totally gonna
- rule in my favor. - What part of...
Don't you understand?
Okay, that's offensive.
Race you to the vending machine?
What? No, I'm not doing that.
Okay, okay, okay, no, no, you're right,
you're right, this is childish.
This is childish.
Gah!
Burt, Phil!
All right, what the hell happened to you?
Ohh... nothing.
Not guilty, she got him off. You should've seen it.
So you faked having an injury to influence the jury?
That's a hack move.
- Yeah, right. - Put that down.
Okay, you're scaring me, just...
The jury hated her, granted, but they loved them some Tinsy.
I mean, she was limping. He's pulling out chairs.
- He's giving her tissues. - Mm-hmm.
They were like an old couple in a senior center.
Burt, come on, by her a drink.
She will literally drink anything.
- It's true. - Okay, wonder woman,
up to the bar.
- So you went with this, huh? - Mm-hmm.
You didn't take any of our advice?
No.
Oh, yeah, well, only Phil can do Phil.
And only Nina can do Nina.
I bet Phil could do Nina.
How about Phil just keeps doing Phil?
But hey, congrats on the mistrial.
I mean, that was a "stroke" of good luck.
You know? Oh!
There's not a chair there.
Now, how do I know you're not faking?
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